10 Reasons Why Women Cheat
Could you be at risk for infidelity? (12 Photos)
Josey Miller on Jan 31, 2011 at 2:58PM
10 Reasons Why Women Cheat
Men Aren't the Only Ones Straying
Cheating husbands used to outnumber cheating wives, but not anymore, according to a recent infidelity study by Coffee and Company, a British marriage bureau. Of the 3,000 participants, nearly 20 percent of women confessed to cheating. Meanwhile, the AskMen.com “Great Male Survey 2010” and “Great Female Survey 2010” found that 5 percent of women cheated on their partner, while less than 3 percent of men admit to it. Why are more women being unfaithful in their relationships? We uncovered 10 reasons -- and some of them may surprise you.
They Seek Revenge
“Men have the cognitive faculties to be just as faithful as women,” says relationship expert Seth Meyers, Psy.D, Los Angeles Psychologist and author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription. But that doesn’t stop women from attributing cheating to a man’s nature, he says. In fact, if he does cheat, she may go cheat for revenge -- even if she doesn’t really want to -- so he understands how much it hurts. And, surprise, it may work. “Men are not emotional so they usually can't feel the same pain unless it is done back to them,” says Bonnie Weil, Ph.D. of DoctorBonnie.com, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin. "Women feel cheating is a way to even the score.” That probably won't help to heal the relationship. But once a man cheats, it’s a whole different ballgame, according to Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters: “It feels as if the rules a woman has been following are no longer relevant or valid.”
For the Thrill of It
“An affair is a stress-busting, thrill-seeking, self-medicating high,” says Weil. And, while a woman may cheat to see if she can get away with it, she often doesn’t really want to get caught, says Bowman: “She just wants the bird in her hand and the one in the bush -- and she’s deluded into thinking that she really can have both.” But this reason is perhaps less common than others, says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, founder of InfidelityAdvice.com. “[A woman] will usually try to let her husband know that there is a problem first,” she explains. “If he fails to address them, ignores her, or takes her complaint lightly, she may then cheat because feels she has no other choice."
For the Ego Boost
“When women cheat with other men, the other men usually compliment them and make them feel sexy in ways their current partner isn't doing,” says Meyers. “Cheating often occurs in relationships where she isn't feeling connected emotionally to her current partner.” So husbands beware if your wives feel unloved, underappreciated or even ignored. Houston says, “If a wife feels neglected or taken for granted by her husband, she becomes very vulnerable and can very easily succumb to having an affair, emotional or physical -- with a man who makes her feel special, desired.” When the relationship is strained, with both partners "bruising one another's egos left and right and criticism flying," that can also open the door to double-timing, says Bowman.
To Find a Love Connection
Are you lovers or roommates? Over time, it can be tough to tell -- and you long for the early stages of love. “That’s when you have this wonderful sense of being chosen,” says Bowman. “Long-term relationships are much different. Those lovely chemicals that had flooded your brain when you first met have now faded.” That downward slide isn’t inevitable, though, if you put the work in, says Weil. “Couples must rekindle the romance magic on a daily and weekly basis,” she says. “It is important to keep recreating the same chemicals as when they first fell in love, by using attachment skills, like the 30-second kiss and the 20-second hug, which raise the endorphin levels.” And here’s a surprise: A fight-free marriage isn’t always a stronger marriage. “Conflict creates passion. A polite marriage is higher in adultery than a marriage with arguments,” Weil says.
They Want to Get Caught
“Most women cheat as an escape hatch,” says Weil. And this is especially true of married mothers. “If the woman has children, she has a hard time leaving the husband without the feeling of guilt,” she says. But that subsides if she’s not the one who’s initiating the break-up. “The affair is a way to alleviate the feeling of stress and guilt, as the husband may leave her.” Houston calls it an “exit affair,” intended to terminate the marriage. “Men are much less tolerant than women when it comes to infidelity and are less likely to forgive a cheating wife,” she says. “A husband who has been cheated on is much more likely to end his marriage than to give his cheating wife a second chance.”
They're Bored With Their Sex Life
Sex life? What sex life? Couples who've been together a long time often complain that their sex life has become staid or stale. (In iVillage's 2010 married sex survey, 81 percent of wives said their sex lives had become predictable.) That may prompt some women to look elsewhere to satisfy their urges. “Sometimes women will cheat because they feel that there is no spontaneity in their relationship anymore,” says Meyers. “Sexual boredom may be one manifestation of that.” A desire for more frequent or different types of sex may also lead to affairs among younger women. “Wives in their early 20s or younger may cheat for the same type of sexual reasons as men; they want more frequent sex, a different type of sex, or they are curious about what it would be like to have sex with a particular man or wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone other than their own husband.” Before stepping out, though, Bowman recommends trying to spice up your sex life with your partner. Try something new in the bedroom or get a little creative. “Really push your limits. A bikini wax and a strip tease worked wonders for my sex life.”
They Feel Lonely
Remember when you couldn’t believe you’d found someone who also owned the same rare record, shared your affinity for foosball and with whom you could always trade entrées? “If a woman feels that she and her husband no longer have anything in common, she may find herself drawn into an emotional affair with someone who shares similar interests,” Houston says. “However, an emotional affair can quickly progress to the next level and become a sexual affair.” Many women cheat to fill a void. “Cheating alleviates the feelings of loneliness and emptiness. It is a bio-chemical craving for connection,” says Weil.
They Want to Relive Their Past
“Sometimes going through one's Little Black Book is an easy way to find a sex partner who will temporarily make them feel better,” says Meyers. But while ex-boyfriends may be familiar territory, they’re not necessarily repairmen. “This solution never, ever lasts,” she says. It’s often not really about that ex-boyfriend, but rather about who the woman was when she was with him. “Reverting to her youth makes her feel alive again,” says Weil. “It makes her feel younger, more carefree, sexier and more attractive.”
Because of a Near-Death Experience
“A near-death experience often causes women to rethink things,” says Meyers. “They look at their lives in greater depth, as they've been reminded of their own mortality.” It's not only sudden accidents that qualify, but potentially deadly illnesses that progress over time, according to Bowman. “[Breast cancer, for example] can make women question every part of their lives; suddenly they are very aware of their own mortality,” she says. “To make matters worse, [they may feel] their spouses have let them down when they needed them most. Maybe he wasn’t supportive. Maybe he stopped initiating sex. Whatever it was, these women are wounded and they look outside of the marriage for an emotional Band-aid.” If they feel like their time is limited, they want to make the most of the time they have, she says, whether or not it’s with the man they married.
For Attention or Adventure
“Women can feel taken for granted, working 30 hours at home -- doing the cleaning, taking care of children ... on top of their own full-time day job,” says Weil. “They need to feel valued and crave validation.” And they also seek a little excitement now and then. “A woman in a boring or mundane marriage is easy prey for the ‘bad boy’ type,” says Houston. ”If you look at the top reasons why women cheat, most of them are situations that could easily be remedied by a loving, caring, attentive, and cooperative husband. A happily married woman, who has a good relationship with her husband, will not cheat.”
MY THOUGHTS
I think this article is for men. Hopefully, if they aren't treating or loving their women well, they would rethink their position.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
ARE YOU AN EXPLORER IN RELATONSHIPS
ARE YOU AN EXPLORER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Explorer
Explorers have a very active dopamine system, a brain chemical associated with the tendency to seek novelty, among other qualities. An Explorer might look up from the newspaper on Sunday and say, "Want to go to Warsaw?"—and by Wednesday you're in Poland. Champions of "never a dull moment," these adventurers live to discover new people, places, things, or ideas, often on the spur of the moment. Friends, family, and colleagues frequently regard them as highly independent and autonomous.
Explorers have more energy than most people; they tend to be restless, sometimes fast-paced. And they are highly curious—"For always roaming with a hungry heart," as Tennyson put it. Constantly generating new ideas or creative insights, they easily shift their attention from one thing to another. Although the classic Explorer is a race-car driver, South Pole trekker, or bad-boy rocker who lives hard, taking drugs and having risky sex, I know many who exercise their passion for adventure by reading several hours a day; collecting stamps, coins, or antiques; or walking through the byways of a city.
People quickly like most Explorers. Generous and sunny, they tend to be playful, sensual, sometimes hedonistic, often unpredictable, and regularly amusing. But they can be difficult to take—especially in a marriage. They do not tolerate boredom well. So they are generally not interested in routine social or business events. In fact, Explorers try to avoid routine of almost any kind, and can trample on another person's cherished beliefs and habits—not to mention be impatient.
MY THOUGHTS
being with explorers would probably feel very exciting. in the beginning. it can be tiring to always be on the go. and it can be difficult to feel secured with someone who has the desire to find something new. or maybe i'm taking this the wrong way.
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Explorer
Explorers have a very active dopamine system, a brain chemical associated with the tendency to seek novelty, among other qualities. An Explorer might look up from the newspaper on Sunday and say, "Want to go to Warsaw?"—and by Wednesday you're in Poland. Champions of "never a dull moment," these adventurers live to discover new people, places, things, or ideas, often on the spur of the moment. Friends, family, and colleagues frequently regard them as highly independent and autonomous.
Explorers have more energy than most people; they tend to be restless, sometimes fast-paced. And they are highly curious—"For always roaming with a hungry heart," as Tennyson put it. Constantly generating new ideas or creative insights, they easily shift their attention from one thing to another. Although the classic Explorer is a race-car driver, South Pole trekker, or bad-boy rocker who lives hard, taking drugs and having risky sex, I know many who exercise their passion for adventure by reading several hours a day; collecting stamps, coins, or antiques; or walking through the byways of a city.
People quickly like most Explorers. Generous and sunny, they tend to be playful, sensual, sometimes hedonistic, often unpredictable, and regularly amusing. But they can be difficult to take—especially in a marriage. They do not tolerate boredom well. So they are generally not interested in routine social or business events. In fact, Explorers try to avoid routine of almost any kind, and can trample on another person's cherished beliefs and habits—not to mention be impatient.
MY THOUGHTS
being with explorers would probably feel very exciting. in the beginning. it can be tiring to always be on the go. and it can be difficult to feel secured with someone who has the desire to find something new. or maybe i'm taking this the wrong way.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
ARE YOU A BUILDER IN YOUR RELATONSHIPS?
ARE YOU A REBUILDER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Builder
Calm, affable, and people oriented, the Builder's personality is influenced by the serotonin system. Social situations are often fun and relaxing for Builders; they like to network. Because duty and loyalty are their strong suits, they often acquire a devoted pack of peers and pals. And they're true guardians when it comes to family and friends.
Builders are cautious—but not fearful. They think concretely. They have a clear memory of yesterday's mistakes, so they prepare. These people are not impulsive with their money, their actions, or their feelings. Security is important to them. Structure and order are, too. Taking particular pride in upholding social norms, many are traditional, and they often have a strong moral streak. Builders don't get bored easily, which enables them to be methodical, hardworking, and dependable. Thanks to all these solid qualities, they tend to be regarded as pillars of the community.
But Builders can go overboard. In their quest to do things the "proper way," they can be intolerant of other ways. Indeed, they can be stubborn. And with their need for order, rules, and schedules, they can stifle spontaneity. Their stoicism can turn into pessimism, their conformity into rigidity, and their concrete thinking sometimes makes them too literal. Normally, however, Builders are community minded, industrious, and popular with colleagues and companions.
MY THOUGHTS
i've met some BUILDERS. and i'm not one of them. most definitely. although i can be a stickler for rules, i prefer being spontaneous.
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Builder
Calm, affable, and people oriented, the Builder's personality is influenced by the serotonin system. Social situations are often fun and relaxing for Builders; they like to network. Because duty and loyalty are their strong suits, they often acquire a devoted pack of peers and pals. And they're true guardians when it comes to family and friends.
Builders are cautious—but not fearful. They think concretely. They have a clear memory of yesterday's mistakes, so they prepare. These people are not impulsive with their money, their actions, or their feelings. Security is important to them. Structure and order are, too. Taking particular pride in upholding social norms, many are traditional, and they often have a strong moral streak. Builders don't get bored easily, which enables them to be methodical, hardworking, and dependable. Thanks to all these solid qualities, they tend to be regarded as pillars of the community.
But Builders can go overboard. In their quest to do things the "proper way," they can be intolerant of other ways. Indeed, they can be stubborn. And with their need for order, rules, and schedules, they can stifle spontaneity. Their stoicism can turn into pessimism, their conformity into rigidity, and their concrete thinking sometimes makes them too literal. Normally, however, Builders are community minded, industrious, and popular with colleagues and companions.
MY THOUGHTS
i've met some BUILDERS. and i'm not one of them. most definitely. although i can be a stickler for rules, i prefer being spontaneous.
ARE YOU THE DIRECTOR IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
ARE YOU THE DIRECTOR IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Director
Specific activities in the testosterone system are what distinguishes this type. Again, although we think of the hormone as male, it is shared by both sexes, and there are many full-blooded women Directors. Whatever the gender, people of this type are competitive. They strive to be top dog and have many skills to get there. They are pragmatic, tough-minded, and most notably decisive, able to make up their minds rapidly, even when faced with difficult choices. Rational analysis, logical reasoning, and objectivity are their core strengths. They also pay attention to details and can focus their attention to the exclusion of everything around them—an ability that enables them to weed out extraneous data and progress on a straightforward path toward a specific goal: the solution. Many Directors are also ingenious, theoretical, and bold in their ideas. Moreover, they are willing to take unpopular, even dangerous paths, to get to the truth. So they persist and often win.
Directors are particularly skilled at understanding machines and other rule-based systems, from computers and math problems to the details of biology, world finance, or architecture. They excel at sports, and often have an acute ear for all kinds of music. Their interests can be narrow; but they pursue them deeply and thoroughly. And they can captivate those who share their hobbies.
Placating leaves the Director cold. He or she often chooses to do a good job rather than please others. In fact, Directors are the least socially skilled of the four types. When preoccupied with work or personal goals, they can appear aloof, distant, even cold, and are generally not interested in making social connections, with the exception of those that are useful or exciting to them.
As with the other types, the traits that make Directors so successful may become grating: For example, their confidence can veer into bragging, their exactitude turn uncompromising, and their forthrightness simply seem rude. And because they often see issues in black and white, they miss the nuances of social, business, and personal situations. But thanks to their dedication, loyalty, and interest in sharing ideas, Directors make close friends. And they can be fiercely protective of those they love.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't want to be a director. but i just maybe one. sometimes. especially if the other person needs directing. God help him.
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Director
Specific activities in the testosterone system are what distinguishes this type. Again, although we think of the hormone as male, it is shared by both sexes, and there are many full-blooded women Directors. Whatever the gender, people of this type are competitive. They strive to be top dog and have many skills to get there. They are pragmatic, tough-minded, and most notably decisive, able to make up their minds rapidly, even when faced with difficult choices. Rational analysis, logical reasoning, and objectivity are their core strengths. They also pay attention to details and can focus their attention to the exclusion of everything around them—an ability that enables them to weed out extraneous data and progress on a straightforward path toward a specific goal: the solution. Many Directors are also ingenious, theoretical, and bold in their ideas. Moreover, they are willing to take unpopular, even dangerous paths, to get to the truth. So they persist and often win.
Directors are particularly skilled at understanding machines and other rule-based systems, from computers and math problems to the details of biology, world finance, or architecture. They excel at sports, and often have an acute ear for all kinds of music. Their interests can be narrow; but they pursue them deeply and thoroughly. And they can captivate those who share their hobbies.
Placating leaves the Director cold. He or she often chooses to do a good job rather than please others. In fact, Directors are the least socially skilled of the four types. When preoccupied with work or personal goals, they can appear aloof, distant, even cold, and are generally not interested in making social connections, with the exception of those that are useful or exciting to them.
As with the other types, the traits that make Directors so successful may become grating: For example, their confidence can veer into bragging, their exactitude turn uncompromising, and their forthrightness simply seem rude. And because they often see issues in black and white, they miss the nuances of social, business, and personal situations. But thanks to their dedication, loyalty, and interest in sharing ideas, Directors make close friends. And they can be fiercely protective of those they love.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't want to be a director. but i just maybe one. sometimes. especially if the other person needs directing. God help him.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Are you a NEGOTIATOR in relationships?
ARE YOU A NEGOTIATOR IN RELATIONSHIPS
from the article "What's Your Type?"
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Negotiator
Negotiators have specific personality traits that have been linked with estrogen. Although estrogen is known as a female sex hormone, men have it, too, and there are plenty of male Negotiators. As the name suggests, this type is superb at handling people. Negotiators instinctively know what others are thinking and feeling. They artfully read facial expressions, postures, gestures, and tone of voice. Their interest in identity extends not only to others but to themselves. So they are introspective and self-analytical—men and women who take pleasure in journeying into their thoughts and motives. As a result, when they form a partnership, they like to delve deeply into the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.
Not only do Negotiators connect psychologically, they also have the ability to remain mentally flexible. When they make decisions, they weigh many variables and consider various ways to proceed; they see things contextually, rather than linearly—I call it web thinking. As a result, they tend to be comfortable with ambiguity. Negotiators can be highly intuitive and creative. And they like to theorize. Perhaps their most distinctive characteristic is verbal fluency, the facility for finding the right words rapidly. With this skill—alongside an agreeable and accommodating nature, compassion, social savvy, and patience—the Negotiator can be very friendly, diplomatic, and authentic.
But as with all qualities, these traits can warp. Negotiators sometimes become such placators they appear wishy-washy to the point of spinelessness. Because they're not willing to confront, they can turn to backstabbing. With their need to examine all the possibilities, they can get bogged down in rumination as opposed to action. And in a relationship, their desire to connect and dissect all the subtle meanings between the two of you can become cloying and invasive.
MY THOUGHTS
for a while there i thought i'm a negotiator. i love connecting and dissecting a relationship. but i doubt i am 'mentally flexible'. i hate ambiguity. and i don't like 'not confronting'.
from the article "What's Your Type?"
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Negotiator
Negotiators have specific personality traits that have been linked with estrogen. Although estrogen is known as a female sex hormone, men have it, too, and there are plenty of male Negotiators. As the name suggests, this type is superb at handling people. Negotiators instinctively know what others are thinking and feeling. They artfully read facial expressions, postures, gestures, and tone of voice. Their interest in identity extends not only to others but to themselves. So they are introspective and self-analytical—men and women who take pleasure in journeying into their thoughts and motives. As a result, when they form a partnership, they like to delve deeply into the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.
Not only do Negotiators connect psychologically, they also have the ability to remain mentally flexible. When they make decisions, they weigh many variables and consider various ways to proceed; they see things contextually, rather than linearly—I call it web thinking. As a result, they tend to be comfortable with ambiguity. Negotiators can be highly intuitive and creative. And they like to theorize. Perhaps their most distinctive characteristic is verbal fluency, the facility for finding the right words rapidly. With this skill—alongside an agreeable and accommodating nature, compassion, social savvy, and patience—the Negotiator can be very friendly, diplomatic, and authentic.
But as with all qualities, these traits can warp. Negotiators sometimes become such placators they appear wishy-washy to the point of spinelessness. Because they're not willing to confront, they can turn to backstabbing. With their need to examine all the possibilities, they can get bogged down in rumination as opposed to action. And in a relationship, their desire to connect and dissect all the subtle meanings between the two of you can become cloying and invasive.
MY THOUGHTS
for a while there i thought i'm a negotiator. i love connecting and dissecting a relationship. but i doubt i am 'mentally flexible'. i hate ambiguity. and i don't like 'not confronting'.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
WHAT IS INTIMACY TO YOU?
How to Build Intimacy in Your Relationship
By Helen Fisher, PhD
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.
Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.
Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.
Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.
What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!
There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.
And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.
MY THOUGHTS
if you're looking for a man who will define intimacy the way you do, which is 'talking heart-to-heart' with the 'anchoring gaze', don't despair. there are men like that. you just have to look harder. there are not many of them out there.
By Helen Fisher, PhD
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.
Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.
Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.
Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.
What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!
There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.
And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.
MY THOUGHTS
if you're looking for a man who will define intimacy the way you do, which is 'talking heart-to-heart' with the 'anchoring gaze', don't despair. there are men like that. you just have to look harder. there are not many of them out there.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
TOXIC SPOUSES TO AVOID
Marriage: 4 Toxic Spouses to Avoid
By Stacey Bradford | Feb 16, 2011
When it comes to relationships, we all know there are certain types of people who aren’t marriage material. Some that come to mind include women who can’t commit and men with wondering eyes. But let’s not forget to include potential partners who are lousy with money.
I recently chatted with Michael Sion, author of Money & Marriage, How to Choose a Financially Compatible Spouse, for his opinion on the types of people who make toxic spouses. Here are the four he recommends you never marry:
1. The Shady One
This person may be charming but he also isn’t completely honest. He misrepresents himself in lots of little ways because he probably has something to hide. Not sure if you’re dating this guy? Sion recommends asking to see his credit report. Chances are he’ll refuse to share it with you. Maybe you would discover he has a history of not paying off his debts. If you tie the knot, the lies would likely continue and poison your relationship and possibly your credit too.
2. The Non-Communicator
This lover may readily divulge details of her romantic past but she clams up when it comes to finances. Start dating her and you won’t even be able to openly discuss if you should go to a cheap or expensive restaurant and who will pay the check, warns Sion. If the relationship gets serious, money issues will only get more complicated and there’s sure to be disagreements and ugly surprises, he warns
3. The Irresponsible Spender
He’s the guy who drives a car he can’t afford. Or, she’s the woman who lives well beyond her means. If you aren’t careful, walking down the aisle with this type of person could leave both of you swimming in debt. You could potentially and successfully marry an irresponsible spender provided he or she hands over all control of the finances to you and agrees to live within a budget you set, says Sion.
4. The Lousy Earner
Sion isn’t against folks who don’t earn six figures. But he does think you should watch out for potential suitors with low ambition and who can’t afford to live on their current salaries. Don’t worry if you’ve fallen in love with someone who is young and in an entry level job, says Sion. We all have to start somewhere. You just want to make sure that person has a plan for climbing the corporate ladder.
What should you do if you end up falling in love with one of these toxic people? You may want to keep your finances as separate as possible and try to reform your lover. If you can’t, think twice before you commit to spending the rest of your financial lives together.
Would you marry someone who’s lousy with money?
Stacey Bradford is the author of The Wall Street Journal Financial Guidebook for New Parents.
MY THOUGHTS
wow! they do sound toxic. better be warned. except, what do you do when you're married already?
By Stacey Bradford | Feb 16, 2011
When it comes to relationships, we all know there are certain types of people who aren’t marriage material. Some that come to mind include women who can’t commit and men with wondering eyes. But let’s not forget to include potential partners who are lousy with money.
I recently chatted with Michael Sion, author of Money & Marriage, How to Choose a Financially Compatible Spouse, for his opinion on the types of people who make toxic spouses. Here are the four he recommends you never marry:
1. The Shady One
This person may be charming but he also isn’t completely honest. He misrepresents himself in lots of little ways because he probably has something to hide. Not sure if you’re dating this guy? Sion recommends asking to see his credit report. Chances are he’ll refuse to share it with you. Maybe you would discover he has a history of not paying off his debts. If you tie the knot, the lies would likely continue and poison your relationship and possibly your credit too.
2. The Non-Communicator
This lover may readily divulge details of her romantic past but she clams up when it comes to finances. Start dating her and you won’t even be able to openly discuss if you should go to a cheap or expensive restaurant and who will pay the check, warns Sion. If the relationship gets serious, money issues will only get more complicated and there’s sure to be disagreements and ugly surprises, he warns
3. The Irresponsible Spender
He’s the guy who drives a car he can’t afford. Or, she’s the woman who lives well beyond her means. If you aren’t careful, walking down the aisle with this type of person could leave both of you swimming in debt. You could potentially and successfully marry an irresponsible spender provided he or she hands over all control of the finances to you and agrees to live within a budget you set, says Sion.
4. The Lousy Earner
Sion isn’t against folks who don’t earn six figures. But he does think you should watch out for potential suitors with low ambition and who can’t afford to live on their current salaries. Don’t worry if you’ve fallen in love with someone who is young and in an entry level job, says Sion. We all have to start somewhere. You just want to make sure that person has a plan for climbing the corporate ladder.
What should you do if you end up falling in love with one of these toxic people? You may want to keep your finances as separate as possible and try to reform your lover. If you can’t, think twice before you commit to spending the rest of your financial lives together.
Would you marry someone who’s lousy with money?
Stacey Bradford is the author of The Wall Street Journal Financial Guidebook for New Parents.
MY THOUGHTS
wow! they do sound toxic. better be warned. except, what do you do when you're married already?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
A FUNNY WAY TO FIX A BROKEN HEART
How to Fix a Broken Heart
By Padma Atluri
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
What's the best way to get over love gone bad? Eternal optimist Padma Atluri consults her crystal ball.
You may have found that you can't do it alone—can't seem to mend your broken heart. You've tried Chunky Monkey ice cream and spa scrubs, and neither buoyed your spirits or exfoliated your pain the way you wanted.
The truth is, short of a new man, what you really need is hope. And when you can't find it within yourself, you need to do what any smart woman would do: Buy it. For $150. You need to see a psychic.
Sure, it may be healthier to see a therapist, volunteer somewhere, or train for a marathon. But the thing is, when a psychic (as opposed to your mother) says that Mr. Right is just around the corner, you're going to believe her. And once you're a "believe-her," you'll start to live again. Who cares about your ex when Mr. Right is just around the corner! The question is, which corner? Which state? You'll have to see another psychic to find out!
Or maybe you'll have to see seven in one night. That's what I did. (It was a party, the readings were free, what can I say?) My friends accused me of standing in line after line simply to get the answers—and the future—I wanted. That was not true. I stood in line after line to get a consensus. And when four out of seven psychics reported that love would descend upon me within the coming year, it was like a vitamin B shot straight to my heart.
Of course, relying on psychics is not without pitfalls, including the slight matter of accuracy. Let's face it, psychic predictions are rarely realized (especially if, like me, you stipulate up front that payment is contingent on good news only ). Somehow, though, it doesn't matter. Hope, even false hope, is enough fuel to face the next day, and eventually, the next date. So whether it's a Nora Ephron movie marathon, a friend whose compliments you can actually accept, or, yes, even a psychic, get yourself some hope. I predict it's right around the corner.
This story is part of O 's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
crazy! absolutely! but then love does make us crazy.
By Padma Atluri
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
What's the best way to get over love gone bad? Eternal optimist Padma Atluri consults her crystal ball.
You may have found that you can't do it alone—can't seem to mend your broken heart. You've tried Chunky Monkey ice cream and spa scrubs, and neither buoyed your spirits or exfoliated your pain the way you wanted.
The truth is, short of a new man, what you really need is hope. And when you can't find it within yourself, you need to do what any smart woman would do: Buy it. For $150. You need to see a psychic.
Sure, it may be healthier to see a therapist, volunteer somewhere, or train for a marathon. But the thing is, when a psychic (as opposed to your mother) says that Mr. Right is just around the corner, you're going to believe her. And once you're a "believe-her," you'll start to live again. Who cares about your ex when Mr. Right is just around the corner! The question is, which corner? Which state? You'll have to see another psychic to find out!
Or maybe you'll have to see seven in one night. That's what I did. (It was a party, the readings were free, what can I say?) My friends accused me of standing in line after line simply to get the answers—and the future—I wanted. That was not true. I stood in line after line to get a consensus. And when four out of seven psychics reported that love would descend upon me within the coming year, it was like a vitamin B shot straight to my heart.
Of course, relying on psychics is not without pitfalls, including the slight matter of accuracy. Let's face it, psychic predictions are rarely realized (especially if, like me, you stipulate up front that payment is contingent on good news only ). Somehow, though, it doesn't matter. Hope, even false hope, is enough fuel to face the next day, and eventually, the next date. So whether it's a Nora Ephron movie marathon, a friend whose compliments you can actually accept, or, yes, even a psychic, get yourself some hope. I predict it's right around the corner.
This story is part of O 's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
crazy! absolutely! but then love does make us crazy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)