8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009
What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…
Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.
Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.
The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.
Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.
Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)
“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”
Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?
Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.
Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.
Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.
“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”
And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.
The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”
Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?
When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.
“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”
How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.
So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?
The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.
Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.
Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.
When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)
This extends even to bedroom activities.
This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.
Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.
The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?
And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.
“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”
Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.
They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.
“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.
The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.
The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”
The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.
Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.
Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?
As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.
When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.
But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.
We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.
The Fix: He has to speak up.
“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.
Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.
Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.
“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”
But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.
“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.
The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.
“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.
Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.
For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.
“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”
So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?
The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.
Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.
Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.
“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”
That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.
The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.
But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.
MY THOUGHTS
If you're cursing your partner while you're reading this article, you should read it again and try to have a different perspective. Initially, I thought men should be reading this. When I got to mistake #3 ('thinking men and women are alike'), I started to think of the mistakes I've made rather than that of a former partner. Mistake # 5 (failing to communicate) made me realize both men and women should be reading this. Afte rall, communication is supposed to run along a 2-way street.
I'll have to agree that Dr. Love knows what she's talking about. She hit so many spots. I'd say it's like a bingo blackout.
The real problem is that men and women fail to recognize that although they are genetically, culturally and socially different, they are meant to be together to thresh out these differences.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
MARRIAGE AND ECONOMICS
The Key To A Happy Marriage-and Life: Think Like an Economist
By Laura Vanderkam | February 9, 2011
A great marriage has spillover benefits. When it’s going well, the rest of life, from work to child-rearing, seems more manageable. But how do you reach that state of bliss? Here’s a tip I’m guessing neither your therapist or mom will spout: start thinking like an economist.
Nonetheless, that’s the advice from Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson, authors of the new book Spousonomics, out today from Random House. Szuchman, a Page One editor of the Wall Street Journal, talked with me about why this is less crazy than it sounds.
Q. At first blush, marriage and economics don’t seem to have much in common, except that some people find them dismal. Why did you decide to wed the two?
A. When we started out, we’d both been married just a short time, and we were obsessed with how to make our marriages better. As reporters, our natural instincts were to find answers, but there was nothing in the self-help aisle that worked for us. This happened to be around the time when the U.S. was headed toward a massive financial collapse, and as business journalists we were steeped in the language of economics: booms & busts, incentives, moral hazard, loss aversion, opportunity costs, etc. As dorky as it sounds, we saw an eerie number of parallels between these concepts and our personal lives.
Q. Do tell…
A. In my case, I’d hit a “bust” right after the “boom” of the wedding. I also had a tendency to be so averse to losing that I’d dig in my heels and go all night until my husband conceded I was right. Jenny, who had a new baby, felt like she was getting her incentives wrong when it came to getting her husband to help out. So it seemed to make sense, in an unexpected and counterintuitive way, and also be more practical than other advice books. We could say to readers: “Your problem just boils down to bad incentives – here are some good incentives – go make it happen!”
Q. If you’re deciding between working late because your boss asks you to, and meeting your spouse for drinks as planned, how should you do a cost-benefit analysis?
A. It’s a classic trade-off: If you stay late, you miss out on a fun time with your spouse and also risk his or her wrath; if you tell your boss to go fly a kite, you risk your job. Too often we make a rash decision— “gotta stay late, fingers crossed she doesn’t kill me” — and worry about the consequences later. Better to think through the costs and benefits first. In this case, maybe the downsides of staying late include:
1. Getting that first, transporting drink of the day later, rather than sooner
2. Losing much-needed alone time with spouse
3. Lots of rage, directed at you
4. Being seen as a pushover by your boss
Maybe the one benefit is possibly getting on your boss’s good side. Suddenly staying late doesn’t seem like the clear winner. Can you instead suggest to your boss that you come in early the next day to finish up?
Q. Many people (mostly women) think they could save time if they got their spouses to do more around the house. What can economics teach us about making this happen?
A. Two thoughts here. First, I’m a fan of the incorporating the theory of comparative advantage into domestic life. It says that people should specialize in what they do relatively best and then trade for everything else. The “relatively” is key, because it implies that you don’t have to be perfect at, say, folding laundry, you just have to be better at it than you are at other stuff, like cooking chicken cordon bleu. If that’s the case, then folding laundry should be your job, even if your spouse doesn’t exactly love the way you fold. I can’t tell you how often we heard from people that they end up doing things around the house themselves because otherwise it either won’t get done or it won’t get done “right”. My guess is that 9 times out of 10, if you’re wondering why your spouse doesn’t do more around the house, it has more to do with you refusing to share the load than with him being lazy, no good, selfish or incompetent.
Second, we talk a lot about incentives. These are things that motivate people, the way a free third night at a hotel motivates people to book two nights instead of one. One incentive that economists have shown to be surprisingly effective isn’t money or free stuff, it’s trust. If people feel trusted by their bosses to do a good job, they’re sometimes more likely to do a good job than they would be if they’d been given a raise but were still micromanaged. As someone who has been accused of being a micromanager many times by my husband, I can tell you that being trusted is a better incentive to get him to pay the bills on time than the threat of being micromanaged—or worse, having me take over the job myself. It makes sense. Why would any husband—or wife—do anything around the house if they knew the other person was going to just do it themselves eventually?
Q. Sex is generally enjoyable. We have 168 hours a week. So why do many married couples claim they don’t have time for it?
A. Because they’re tired, they’re lazy, they’d rather watch TV, and they know the other person will be there the next day—and the day after that, until death, or worse—so they can always put it off. We call it a problem of moral hazard. In economics, the term is used to describe a situation in which people behave irresponsibly when there are no repercussions. It’s why the big financial firms—Citibank, AIG, Lehman Brothers—had no qualms making ridiculously risky loans. They knew Uncle Sam would eventually bail them out. They were too big to fail. When you start taking your marriage for granted, when you assume your better half will be there for better or worse, it’s super tempting to take risks. Like putting off sex. Or claiming exhaustion. But come on, sex really isn’t that hard—and hey, it doesn’t really have to take longer than 168 seconds.
Readers, have you ever put economic principles to work in your marriage?
MY THOUGHTS
There are a lot of good points here. But I became more muddled as I kept on reading. Maybe because I am not an economics person. I strongly suggest that should you decide to use a principle and parallel that with how you should deal with your relationships, it had better be a principle that you understand pretty well.
By Laura Vanderkam | February 9, 2011
A great marriage has spillover benefits. When it’s going well, the rest of life, from work to child-rearing, seems more manageable. But how do you reach that state of bliss? Here’s a tip I’m guessing neither your therapist or mom will spout: start thinking like an economist.
Nonetheless, that’s the advice from Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson, authors of the new book Spousonomics, out today from Random House. Szuchman, a Page One editor of the Wall Street Journal, talked with me about why this is less crazy than it sounds.
Q. At first blush, marriage and economics don’t seem to have much in common, except that some people find them dismal. Why did you decide to wed the two?
A. When we started out, we’d both been married just a short time, and we were obsessed with how to make our marriages better. As reporters, our natural instincts were to find answers, but there was nothing in the self-help aisle that worked for us. This happened to be around the time when the U.S. was headed toward a massive financial collapse, and as business journalists we were steeped in the language of economics: booms & busts, incentives, moral hazard, loss aversion, opportunity costs, etc. As dorky as it sounds, we saw an eerie number of parallels between these concepts and our personal lives.
Q. Do tell…
A. In my case, I’d hit a “bust” right after the “boom” of the wedding. I also had a tendency to be so averse to losing that I’d dig in my heels and go all night until my husband conceded I was right. Jenny, who had a new baby, felt like she was getting her incentives wrong when it came to getting her husband to help out. So it seemed to make sense, in an unexpected and counterintuitive way, and also be more practical than other advice books. We could say to readers: “Your problem just boils down to bad incentives – here are some good incentives – go make it happen!”
Q. If you’re deciding between working late because your boss asks you to, and meeting your spouse for drinks as planned, how should you do a cost-benefit analysis?
A. It’s a classic trade-off: If you stay late, you miss out on a fun time with your spouse and also risk his or her wrath; if you tell your boss to go fly a kite, you risk your job. Too often we make a rash decision— “gotta stay late, fingers crossed she doesn’t kill me” — and worry about the consequences later. Better to think through the costs and benefits first. In this case, maybe the downsides of staying late include:
1. Getting that first, transporting drink of the day later, rather than sooner
2. Losing much-needed alone time with spouse
3. Lots of rage, directed at you
4. Being seen as a pushover by your boss
Maybe the one benefit is possibly getting on your boss’s good side. Suddenly staying late doesn’t seem like the clear winner. Can you instead suggest to your boss that you come in early the next day to finish up?
Q. Many people (mostly women) think they could save time if they got their spouses to do more around the house. What can economics teach us about making this happen?
A. Two thoughts here. First, I’m a fan of the incorporating the theory of comparative advantage into domestic life. It says that people should specialize in what they do relatively best and then trade for everything else. The “relatively” is key, because it implies that you don’t have to be perfect at, say, folding laundry, you just have to be better at it than you are at other stuff, like cooking chicken cordon bleu. If that’s the case, then folding laundry should be your job, even if your spouse doesn’t exactly love the way you fold. I can’t tell you how often we heard from people that they end up doing things around the house themselves because otherwise it either won’t get done or it won’t get done “right”. My guess is that 9 times out of 10, if you’re wondering why your spouse doesn’t do more around the house, it has more to do with you refusing to share the load than with him being lazy, no good, selfish or incompetent.
Second, we talk a lot about incentives. These are things that motivate people, the way a free third night at a hotel motivates people to book two nights instead of one. One incentive that economists have shown to be surprisingly effective isn’t money or free stuff, it’s trust. If people feel trusted by their bosses to do a good job, they’re sometimes more likely to do a good job than they would be if they’d been given a raise but were still micromanaged. As someone who has been accused of being a micromanager many times by my husband, I can tell you that being trusted is a better incentive to get him to pay the bills on time than the threat of being micromanaged—or worse, having me take over the job myself. It makes sense. Why would any husband—or wife—do anything around the house if they knew the other person was going to just do it themselves eventually?
Q. Sex is generally enjoyable. We have 168 hours a week. So why do many married couples claim they don’t have time for it?
A. Because they’re tired, they’re lazy, they’d rather watch TV, and they know the other person will be there the next day—and the day after that, until death, or worse—so they can always put it off. We call it a problem of moral hazard. In economics, the term is used to describe a situation in which people behave irresponsibly when there are no repercussions. It’s why the big financial firms—Citibank, AIG, Lehman Brothers—had no qualms making ridiculously risky loans. They knew Uncle Sam would eventually bail them out. They were too big to fail. When you start taking your marriage for granted, when you assume your better half will be there for better or worse, it’s super tempting to take risks. Like putting off sex. Or claiming exhaustion. But come on, sex really isn’t that hard—and hey, it doesn’t really have to take longer than 168 seconds.
Readers, have you ever put economic principles to work in your marriage?
MY THOUGHTS
There are a lot of good points here. But I became more muddled as I kept on reading. Maybe because I am not an economics person. I strongly suggest that should you decide to use a principle and parallel that with how you should deal with your relationships, it had better be a principle that you understand pretty well.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
TREATING YOUR FAMILY AS CLIENTS?
A Business Approach to Family Life
Helpful tips to balance work and family life
All of us have customers. As a businessman, the people I work with daily and have the privilege of serving are my customers. Many of us have another type of customer: a supervisor, a board, or another authority we report to. They are like customers because we depend on them for our jobs and therefore do our best to deliver the results they expect.
You will have a better marriage and family by treating your wife [or husband] and kids as if they were your customers. Regardless of your profession, if you put these skills to work in your marriage - just as you do at work - you will have a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with your spouse.
By Louis Upkins Jr.
Communication Strategies
Just as poor communication sends a message to your business customers that you don't value them, lack of communication in your marriage gives your wife [or husband] that same message. And as your wife [or husband] observes you checking business email at home and texting customers at your daughter's concert, she [or he] begins to feel less and less important to you. It is often the little things we do that say the most and give us an A+ in communication. Small improvements will come even if all you do is try to check in more often.
What you can do:
* - Leave a note on her pillow when you leave on a trip
* - Call when you leave the office to ask if she needs you to pick anything up on the way home
* - Text [him] from an important meeting [he] knows you stayed up late to prepare for
World-Class Customer Service
You don't have to take exceptional measures to give your loved ones great customer service. Just pay attention to the way you serve your customers. Imagine what would happen if you took the list of "little things" and made them a priority with your wife [or husband] and family.
What you can do:
* - Return calls promptly [to your spouse and children]
* - See every interaction with them as an opportunity to win them over with kindness, friendliness, and politeness
* - Never take them for granted
* - Listen carefully when they talk to you and look them in the eyes so they know you care about what they are saying
* - Turn off the cell. When you get home from work, turn it off, or at least dicipline yourself to let incoming calls go to your voice mail
* - Look for ways to compliment [your spouse and children]
When Your Customer Gets Upset
There's nothing wrong with a good fight in marriage. You disagree over something. You both state your case and go back and forth and then somehow resolve it. That's what I mean by a good fight. But too many couples use tactics when they fight that make things worse and stand in the way of any kind of peaceful resolution. For example, consider the following examples of how some couples disagree with each other and then ask yourself, Would I ever do this at work?
What you should NOT do in a fight:
*Use sarcasm
*Talk over your opponent
*Name-calling
*Yelling and screaming
*Silent treatment
*Walking out and slamming the door
Success Goes Both Ways
Win-win at work means growing your business by helping your customers succeed. It means resolving conflicts so that both you and your customer gain more than you lose. It doesn't mean letting your customer win at your expense; it means having a mutually positive experience.
At home, win-win means enabling your wife [or husband] and children to be as successful as you are, being willing to sacrifice some of what's important to you in favor of what's important to them. And as you negotiate the daily conflicts that are normal in every family, it means trying to find solutions that address your family's needs rather than fighting only for what is important to you.
Celebrate Your Success
When you think of celebrations in your family, you usually think of birthdays and anniversaries. Those are all great opportunities to celebrate. But don't let those be your only occasions to celebrate. Most families miss the almost daily opportunities to turn everyone's attention toward what is good and honorable.
Reasons to celebrate:
* - Good grades
* - No cavities
* - Loser day. If Mom or Dad is on a diet and makes some progress, pour everyone a tall glass of water and hand them a carrot stick.
* - Firsts. First day of school. First Communion. First day of a new job. First snow. First bike ride without training wheels.
* - Big accomplishments
* - Little accomplishments
MY THOUGHTS
I'm pretty sure that being taken for granted (or always taking second place to work and everything else) is one of the major reason for break-ups. I like the idea of treating your family members as clients. That's going to save a lot of relationships.
Helpful tips to balance work and family life
All of us have customers. As a businessman, the people I work with daily and have the privilege of serving are my customers. Many of us have another type of customer: a supervisor, a board, or another authority we report to. They are like customers because we depend on them for our jobs and therefore do our best to deliver the results they expect.
You will have a better marriage and family by treating your wife [or husband] and kids as if they were your customers. Regardless of your profession, if you put these skills to work in your marriage - just as you do at work - you will have a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with your spouse.
By Louis Upkins Jr.
Communication Strategies
Just as poor communication sends a message to your business customers that you don't value them, lack of communication in your marriage gives your wife [or husband] that same message. And as your wife [or husband] observes you checking business email at home and texting customers at your daughter's concert, she [or he] begins to feel less and less important to you. It is often the little things we do that say the most and give us an A+ in communication. Small improvements will come even if all you do is try to check in more often.
What you can do:
* - Leave a note on her pillow when you leave on a trip
* - Call when you leave the office to ask if she needs you to pick anything up on the way home
* - Text [him] from an important meeting [he] knows you stayed up late to prepare for
World-Class Customer Service
You don't have to take exceptional measures to give your loved ones great customer service. Just pay attention to the way you serve your customers. Imagine what would happen if you took the list of "little things" and made them a priority with your wife [or husband] and family.
What you can do:
* - Return calls promptly [to your spouse and children]
* - See every interaction with them as an opportunity to win them over with kindness, friendliness, and politeness
* - Never take them for granted
* - Listen carefully when they talk to you and look them in the eyes so they know you care about what they are saying
* - Turn off the cell. When you get home from work, turn it off, or at least dicipline yourself to let incoming calls go to your voice mail
* - Look for ways to compliment [your spouse and children]
When Your Customer Gets Upset
There's nothing wrong with a good fight in marriage. You disagree over something. You both state your case and go back and forth and then somehow resolve it. That's what I mean by a good fight. But too many couples use tactics when they fight that make things worse and stand in the way of any kind of peaceful resolution. For example, consider the following examples of how some couples disagree with each other and then ask yourself, Would I ever do this at work?
What you should NOT do in a fight:
*Use sarcasm
*Talk over your opponent
*Name-calling
*Yelling and screaming
*Silent treatment
*Walking out and slamming the door
Success Goes Both Ways
Win-win at work means growing your business by helping your customers succeed. It means resolving conflicts so that both you and your customer gain more than you lose. It doesn't mean letting your customer win at your expense; it means having a mutually positive experience.
At home, win-win means enabling your wife [or husband] and children to be as successful as you are, being willing to sacrifice some of what's important to you in favor of what's important to them. And as you negotiate the daily conflicts that are normal in every family, it means trying to find solutions that address your family's needs rather than fighting only for what is important to you.
Celebrate Your Success
When you think of celebrations in your family, you usually think of birthdays and anniversaries. Those are all great opportunities to celebrate. But don't let those be your only occasions to celebrate. Most families miss the almost daily opportunities to turn everyone's attention toward what is good and honorable.
Reasons to celebrate:
* - Good grades
* - No cavities
* - Loser day. If Mom or Dad is on a diet and makes some progress, pour everyone a tall glass of water and hand them a carrot stick.
* - Firsts. First day of school. First Communion. First day of a new job. First snow. First bike ride without training wheels.
* - Big accomplishments
* - Little accomplishments
MY THOUGHTS
I'm pretty sure that being taken for granted (or always taking second place to work and everything else) is one of the major reason for break-ups. I like the idea of treating your family members as clients. That's going to save a lot of relationships.
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