What Not to Say to a Depressed Mate

What Not to Say to a Depressed Mate
By Linda Wasmer Andrews, Special to Lifescript
Published November 21, 2010Reviewed By Edward C. Geehr, M.D.

You mean well, but it’s easy to say the wrong thing to a loved one with depression. And that may only add to their troubles. Here are the top statements to avoid and what to say instead…

Which piece of advice will most likely cheer up a clinically depressed person?

A. “Pull yourself together.”
B. “Look on the bright side.”
C. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing serious.”

The answer: None of the above. Such statements probably will make a depressed mate or friend feel worse.

That’s because depression – an illness characterized by extreme sadness, changes in sleep patterns, appetite, energy level or mental focus – is a touchy subject and difficult to talk about.

Unlike high blood pressure or other health conditions, “there’s unnecessary stigma attached to depression,” says Richard Shadick, Ph.D., director of the counseling center at Pace University in New York. “Some people still view it as a sign of weakness.”

And that makes for awkward conversations on both sides. But talking about depression easily and openly isn’t impossible. With some forethought, you can find the right words to help ease depression’s pain.

Here are 9 statements to skip, and the right way to start a dialogue.

1. “Snap out of it.”
Depression is a miserable experience; no one would choose to have it, says psychologist Shosana Bennett, Ph.D., author of Pregnant on Prozac and a postpartum depression survivor.

If depressed people “could snap out of it, [they] would’ve done so,” she says.

People with depression can’t will away the illness any more than they could asthma or diabetes. Like those other conditions, depression has a biological basis.

Imaging studies show that the parts of the brain that regulate mood, thinking, sleep and appetite function abnormally in people with depression. Key mood-regulating brain chemicals, such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, are unbalanced as well.

Better to say: “I’ve noticed you haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I’m concerned. Why don’t I set up a doctor’s appointment for you?”

Some people won’t see a doctor for depression but will agree to a visit for specific symptoms – such as insomnia, loss of appetite or constant fatigue, says Julie Totten, president and founder of Families for Depression Awareness.

2. “Just think positive.”
People with depression often perceive themselves and the world in an overly negative light. They're incapable of seeing the bright side of a situation.

“It’s like you’re wearing these foggy, distorted lenses, which filter out all positive input from the environment,” Bennett says.

When she was depressed, she literally saw the world in drab gray shades, she says.

Implying that recovery should be quick and easy may leave them feeling more discouraged than ever.

Better to say: “We’ll get through this.” This lets the depressed person know the world won’t always seem so dark and hopeless. At the same time, the statement acknowledges that recovery is a process.

Plus, “use of the word ‘we’ is very important,” Bennett says. “A [depressed] person feels all alone, so it’s crucial to reinforce the idea that you’re there for them.”

Treatment with psychotherapy and/or antidepressants can help, and with time can regain a brighter perspective.

3. “Relax. It’s no big deal.”
“Truth is, depression really hurts a person’s ability to function,” says Thomas Wise, M.D., psychiatry professor at George Washington University School of Medicine in Washington, D.C.

It can seriously disrupt home, work or school life, and wreck relationships. Left untreated, depression can even lead to suicide.

About 30%-40% of people who die by suicide have major depression, according to the National Mental Health Information Center (NMHIC).

Better to say: “Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself?”

If someone is seriously depressed, don’t be afraid to discuss suicide.

“People often worry that asking this question will plant the idea,” Totten says.

In fact, asking just lets them know you understand the seriousness of their situation, she says. It also helps you determine if there’s imminent danger.

If they answer “yes,” reassure them that such feelings are temporary. Then call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800 -273-TALK or 800-273-8255) to speak with a crisis worker, who’ll help identify your next step.

4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
This statement sounds empathetic, but really isn’t. If you’ve never been clinically depressed, you can’t know what it feels like.

Even if you have, no two people experience this illness the same way.

“Nobody can know how anyone else feels unless they ask and listen carefully to the answer,” says Elizabeth Babcock, LCSW, a psychotherapist in McMurray, Pa.

Better to say: “Do you want to talk?”

But preface your question with a statement that lets the person know you want to understand, Babcock suggests. For example: “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” Or, “I don’t know what it’s like to experience what you’re going through, but I’d really like to understand it better – if you want to tell me.” Or, “I’ve been depressed, too, and I can’t know what your experience is like, but I know mine was really hard.”

After you state your concern, ask questions and really listen to the answers.

5. “Have a drink. You’ll feel better.”
“Alcohol may lessen the immediate pain of depression, but over time, it only makes the hurt worse,” Wise says.

Trying to self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs can also lead to addiction and new problems. Plus, abusing alcohol or other drugs increases the suicide risk by impairing judgment and promoting impulsive behavior.

Better to say: “Want to go for a walk?”

Exercise is a proven mood-lifter, according to a 2005 University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center study. Researchers found it’s as effective as antidepressants in treating mild to moderate depression.

Walking together also helps the person stay physically healthy and socially connected.

Plus, it’s good for you too, which is important. It's easy to overlook your own health when caring for someone else.

Or pick another cardio activity your depressed loved one once enjoyed, even if they can’t get pleasure from it right now. If they’re reluctant, say it’s a favor to you. For example: “I’ve been wanting to try this yoga class. Will you come with me?”

6. “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.”
A judgmental tone makes depressed people feel sadder.

“[They’re] already judging themselves quite harshly,” Babcock says.

If you’re critical, they’re “being abused from within and without,” he says.

Better to say: “This can happen to the best of us.” Rather than fueling misplaced self-blame, send a message that depression isn’t their fault.

This also underscores the fact that it’s a common illness striking women of every age and background. One in four U.S. women will experience serious depression at some point in her life, according to NMHIC.

7. “You have so much to be happy about.”
The criticism here is subtle. “All this statement does is guilt-trip,” Bennett says.

Depression sufferers may know intellectually that they have a good job and great family. Still, they’re unable to feel happy.

“They may end up wondering, ‘Am I just a spoiled brat?’” Bennett says.

Better to say: “You seem really down lately. Is there anything I can do?”

Acknowledging that something’s wrong is often a relief.

“This lets the depressed person know that you can see [the problem] too,” Babcock says. “It’s not something imaginary.”

You’re also reminding them that you’re there to help.

8. “Wait and see how you feel tomorrow.”
That approach might have worked for Scarlett O’Hara. But depression that sticks around for weeks or months isn’t going to suddenly disappear when the sun comes up the next day. The sooner the person seeks treatment, the faster they can start feeling better.

Better to say: “There’s a lot of help out there.”

“Instill hope that there are effective treatments available,” Shadick says.

If this is the first time they've been depressed, offer to set up an appointment with their doctor, which can confirm or rule out medical causes for the symptoms.

Because deeply depressed people may be too demoralized to speak up for themselves, go with them on the first visit or call ahead to let the doctor know your concerns, Totten advises.

You can also suggest seeing a mental health professional if the other person is open to the idea. Search online and ask people you trust for referrals to clinics, psychologists or psychiatrists.

9. “It’s all up to you now.”
Depression is very treatable, but full recovery takes time, commitment and support.

Without helping hands, patients may be more likely to feel discouraged and give up when challenges arise, as they inevitably do.

Better to say: “Can I watch the kids while you go to your appointment?”

Or offer to help however you can.

Suggesting specific ways you can make things easier helps depression sufferers pinpoint what they need. And when it's your idea, they may also feel it’s less of an imposition to lean on you.

Once you see improvement, point that out too.

“Be specific about how you see them returning to their old selves,” Bennett says. “That way, they have hard evidence that they're coming back.”

For example, you might say: “It’s nice to hear you singing in the shower again.” Or you've noticed he's eating better or flashing his beautiful smile.

Your words have tremendous power to help a loved one find help and stick with treatment. At every stage, one of the best things you can say is, “I’m on your side.”

Linda Wasmer Andrews is a freelance writer who specializes in health and psychology. She’s co-author of If Your Adolescent Has Depression or Bipolar Disorder: An Essential Resource for Parents (Oxford University Press).

Could You Be Depressed?
Depression affects 20 million people in any given year and is a serious enough disorder to compromise one's ability to function normally day to day. Find out if you're just blue or if you might be clinically depressed.

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MY THOUGHTS

what's scary is that you do not even know your mate is depressed. and when you do then it gets scarier coz you don't know what to do or say. this article is a long read. but better take a few minutes and learn from it.

What's your inner traffic light when it comesto relationships?

The Traffic Light
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published November 05, 2010

Traffic lights serve a very important role: They help us safely maneuver through traffic in order to avoid accidents and potential injuries involving other people around us. As I sat at a red light the other day, I realized that we all have a traffic light in our minds too.

We all have an internal traffic light, but we don’t always pay attention to it. When it comes to dealing with people in your life, how well is your internal traffic light working? When it comes to choosing friends and lovers, do you typically approach these personal life intersections with caution and occasionally yield or stop? Or do you ignore the caution and stop signs that appear in your mind and only see a green light when it comes to allowing people into your life? If you want to improve the overall flow of your life and have more fulfilling relationships, I suggest that you pay attention to that internal traffic light. This way you can avoid those crash-and-burn relationships. Remember, it’s no accident that some people tend to have healthier relationships more than others!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

MY THOUGHTS

now i have something toreally think about? is my internal traffic light green, yellow or red? i know for sure that as i got older i used the red traffic light on some people. i wanted quality friendsand not so-called friends. and i'm all "green" with the handful that i've kept. and yes for new people i meet, yellow it is. until the green light comes on again.

8 Mistakes Men Make with Womenin Relationships

8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009

What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…

Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.

Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.

The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.

Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.

Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)

“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”

Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?

Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.

Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.

Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.

“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”

And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.

The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”

Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?

When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.

“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”

How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.

So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?

The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.

Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.

Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.

When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)

This extends even to bedroom activities.

This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.

Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.

The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?

And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.

“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”

Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.

They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.

“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.

The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.

The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”

The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.

Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.

Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?

As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.

When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.

But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.

We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.

The Fix: He has to speak up.

“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.

Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.

Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.

“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”

But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.

“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.

The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.

“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.

Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.

For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.

“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”

So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?

The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.

Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.

Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.

“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”

That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.

The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.

But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.

MY THOUGHTS

“The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.” - this is my favorite. i really don't need to explain why.