8 Mistakes Men Make with Womenin Relationships

8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009

What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…

Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.

Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.

The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.

Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.

Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)

“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”

Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?

Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.

Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.

Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.

“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”

And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.

The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”

Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?

When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.

“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”

How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.

So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?

The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.

Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.

Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.

When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)

This extends even to bedroom activities.

This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.

Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.

The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?

And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.

“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”

Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.

They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.

“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.

The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.

The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”

The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.

Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.

Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?

As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.

When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.

But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.

We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.

The Fix: He has to speak up.

“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.

Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.

Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.

“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”

But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.

“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.

The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.

“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.

Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.

For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.

“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”

So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?

The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.

Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.

Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.

“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”

That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.

The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.

But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.

MY THOUGHTS

“The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.” - this is my favorite. i really don't need to explain why.