Will You Make Sense of Your Relationship and Stay With a Cheating Husband?

Making sense of relationships is hard enough as it is.  Throw in a cheating husband (or wife or partner) and it becomes much, much harder.  Dr.  Slake has some good thoughts here.  But this is a subject that's highly debatable.  And why not?  Why not debate on it?  Especially if it's about making sense of relationships?

Q&A – Should I Stay With My Cheating Husband?

Daily Inspiration

By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach

Published July 19, 2012

 

Q: Last August I found out that my husband of 26 years was having an affair. We separated at the time, during which I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I’m currently in therapy. After six weeks we got back together, until I learned the affair had continued. He now says he wants to work on us, but he’s still seeing this girl. What should I do?

-B. W.

A: Hi B,

You’ve certainly had your share of tough times in recent months and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation after 26 years of marriage. Because of the breakdown and attempted suicide that you shared, I’m also relieved to see that you’re currently seeing a therapist. My instincts tell me that it will take more than a brief and surface level exchange with me to help you find your way through all of this heartache, betrayal and disappointment.

Because your husband has been dishonest with you about seeing this woman twice, I’m reminded of that old saying, Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me. However, because you’ve been married for 26 years, I understand your desire to try to work this out and stay together. I tend to judge people by what they do more than by what they say and, as a result, I’d have great difficulty trusting this man again. On the other hand, if you honestly believe that he’s sincere and you want to give it another go, I would absolutely insist that marital therapy for the both of you be an integral part of the reconciliation agreement.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

www.innerdiet.com

Follow Dr. Sklare on Health Bistro!

Stressed? Angry? Not over your ex? Email your question to Dr. Sklare to get expert advice! Ask Dr. Sklare
 

My Thoughts

 

People get their hearts broken.  That's  part of loving.   That's why making sense of relationships is important.  People need to know how to deal with heartbreak.  Otherwise, it's the relationship that would break.

Dealing with cheating is something else.  It breaks, not only the heart.  It breaks the person.  Easier if there were no wedding vows.  But when you promised to love and to hold, the issue of "let no man put asunder" comes in.

I used to think that this is impossible: to forgive and let God take care of the healing.  But it happens.  I've seen a lot of couples get over the "cheating" and they are now happy.  I've seen the pain of staying with the "cheater", but the obedience to God's directions really do pay off.

God gave us the wisdom, and the will, to do what we can in making sense of relationships.  But it's Him, only Him, who can truly make sense of our relationships for us. 

Rate Your Current Relationship

Relationships 101

Daily Inspiration

By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach

Published May 11, 2012

 

On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 meaning horrible and 10 meaning blissful, how would you rate the level of happiness with your current relationship?

If you’re like most people and are being totally honest, I’m guessing few of you would choose a 9 or 10. I say that because, whenever I’ve asked this question in the past, I seldom get those high marks. Why? Because regardless of how good your current relationship is, it could always be better.

The best advice given on relationships can be summed up in the following word… communication.

The two kinds of critical communications are verbal and non-verbal. When combined, they create the deepest, most satisfying and healthiest kinds of relationships.

Some people are great at saying “I love you” verbally, but are poor at showing their love behaviorally.

For example, take the partner who easily says “I love you” all the time but never makes themselves available to help you when you need assistance or can’t seem to offer you that all important hug when you want it most.

Then there are those who will break their backs physically demonstrating how much they love you through actions, but can never bring themselves to say those words. They’re always right there when you need something physical - like helping with the housework or providing the hug I mentioned earlier - but you’ll never hear “I love you” from their lips.

 

 If you need to hear those words, a partner who isn’t verbally communicative can be frustrating and disappointing. And if you need to see physical demonstrations of your partner’s love and they never show it, you also find yourself unhappy and feeling disconnected. Even though I generally feel that showing you love someone is more important than saying it, a healthy combination of both is needed in most relationships.

Let me ask you to again return to the 10-point scale I referred to earlier. I want you to rate yourself and your partner on the following two questions (10 means Always and 1 means Never):

Performance regarding showing love verbally:
YOU ______     YOUR PARTNER ______
Performance regarding showing love non-verbally:
YOU ______     YOUR PARTNER ______

If you answered those questions honestly, you may now have some insight that you didn’t have before. By making these two subjective assessments, you can identify the areas where improvement can be made.

If you’re brave enough, ask your partner to answer these questions too. This is a fun and non-threatening way to gently introduce this subject to your spouse or partner. I also think you’d find it enlightening to see how your partner views you on these two forms of communication.

 

After seeing and discussing your scores, you and your mate both should make a conscious effort to improve those areas where communication is weak and become a better partner for the other. Your relationship will grow deeper and much stronger as a result.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

www.innerdiet.com 

 

 

MY THOUGHTS

 

If you got a low rating, don't despair.  The ability to communicate is a skill.  It can be learned.  It can be improved.  If you love each other enough, you can work this out.

 

Be warned, though.  Even if you're lucky enough to have found the 'perfect blend',  without constant nurturing, things can go down the drain.  People clam up.  People withdraw.  

Don't look up to your partner to give their share.  You are part of the equation, too.