5 Friends Every Woman Should Have
By Michelle Burford
O, The Oprah Magazine | May 15, 2005
"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the "family" I've gathered—with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things—among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.
1. The Uplifter
This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?
2. The Travel Buddy
When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).
3. The Truth Teller
Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.
4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun
One Saturday a pal and I—and yes, we're both over age 12—pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.
5. The Unlikely Friend
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends—some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian—have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.
MY THOUGHTS
I am incredibly lucky. My mom once said i have a few but they are all true. I praise God that he has blessed my life with friends who embody the 5 characteristics mentioned above. some of them in fact, have several of these traits, if not all. No wonder i can survive just about anyting. To my friends who are closest to my heart - you know who you are - thank you. My prayer is that i can be all of these to you too.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
what would love do?
What Would Love Do?
By Mike Robbins
Original
When answering life's difficult questions, it's important to call on love! Get three new strategies to keep in mind when you're making tough choices and feeling powerless.
Recently, I was reminded of the powerful idea of asking the question, "What would love do?" when making decisions or facing
challenges in life. When I think about my own life and some of the places where I find myself struggling, stressed out, worried or stuck right now, I can see that instead of asking what love would do, I'm often asking other less inspiring questions to myself like, "What should I do?" "What's the right thing to do?" "What's wrong with me (or them)?" or various other versions of these types of questions. Can you relate?
What if we did actually ask ourselves, "What would love do?" in all of the important areas of our lives, especially the most challenging ones? I bet that would dramatically alter not only how we relate to those people and circumstances, but also would alter what we did and said and ultimately how we felt.
We have the opportunity to pause and reflect on ourselves, our lives and where we are. Letting love lead the way, especially right now, is something that will benefit most of us and can allow us to listen to a deeper aspect of who we really are.
Everything I write about, speak about and teach is really all about love. I sometimes find myself a little shy, embarrassed or self-conscious to come right out and say it—somehow fearing that love seems too soft, too personal, too intimate or too mysterious. However, being authentic and being appreciative , and just about anything else we aspire to in life, are all about love—of ourselves, of others and of life itself. Love, I believe, is the most powerful force in the universe—yet so many of us, myself included, almost apologize for talking about it, thinking about it and wanting to have it play a lead role in our lives.
As we interact with (or avoid) our families, in-laws, friends and even strangers on the street or in stores or restaurants over these next few days and weeks, ask yourself, "What would love do?" As we sit back and reflect on this past year and begin to plan, dream and prepare for the year ahead, what would love do? As we relate to ourselves in the midst of all of this, what would love do?
3 things to think about when you're making a decision
As Karen Drucker says in her beautiful song "What Would Love Do," "Love has all the answers. Love makes no demands. Love will lead me to the truth and help me to understand…that life is all about love."
Here are a few things to think about, as this relates to some of the areas and aspects of life where you may be challenged at the moment:
Pick a challenging or difficult aspect of your life right now. What's going on and how do you feel about this situation or relationship? More specifically, what kinds of questions are you asking yourself about this? The quality of the answers we receive in life is directly related to the quality of the questions we ask.
Ask yourself, "What would love do?" This may be an easy or difficult question for you to ask yourself about this specific situation or relationship. Allow yourself to hang out in this powerful inquiry and see what shows up. You may have lots of ideas or insights, or not. However, asking yourself this empowering question will almost surely give you deeper awareness and insight for what you could do if you allowed love to lead the way. Take bold and loving action, based on your answer to this question. Allow yourself to ponder and consider this question
long enough that you really feel it in your bones. The paradox here is that it's not so much about what you do; it's more about where it comes from. If it truly comes from a deep place of love within you, you'll know it, feel it and it will be the right thing to do. Trust yourself and your heart—and then be willing to take the risk and put yourself out there.
These days, so many of us are ripe with opportunities to practice asking ourselves the bold question, "What would love do?"
If we're courageous enough to ask, to truly listen to the answers we receive and to act on them from a place of real love, compassion and truth, we will have the opportunity to transform our lives and relationships in a real and profound way.
Let's do it…with love!
Mike Robbins is a best-selling author, sought-after motivational keynote speaker and personal growth expert who works with
people and groups of all kinds. Robbins is the author of the best-selling books Focus on the Good Stuff and Be Yourself:
Everyone Else Is Already Taken . He and his work have been featured on ABC News , in Forbes , Ladies Home Journal , Self
and many others.
MY THOUGHTS:
what would love do - now that will certainly change the way i look at things and the way i respond.this is not going to be easy especially when one is expected to respond immediately. to ask that question every time you need to respond or make a
decision would entail always stopping for awhile to think before acting. and this would be double hard for people like me who shoot from the hips - until the question becomes a part of me. i will need a miracle here.
By Mike Robbins
Original
When answering life's difficult questions, it's important to call on love! Get three new strategies to keep in mind when you're making tough choices and feeling powerless.
Recently, I was reminded of the powerful idea of asking the question, "What would love do?" when making decisions or facing
challenges in life. When I think about my own life and some of the places where I find myself struggling, stressed out, worried or stuck right now, I can see that instead of asking what love would do, I'm often asking other less inspiring questions to myself like, "What should I do?" "What's the right thing to do?" "What's wrong with me (or them)?" or various other versions of these types of questions. Can you relate?
What if we did actually ask ourselves, "What would love do?" in all of the important areas of our lives, especially the most challenging ones? I bet that would dramatically alter not only how we relate to those people and circumstances, but also would alter what we did and said and ultimately how we felt.
We have the opportunity to pause and reflect on ourselves, our lives and where we are. Letting love lead the way, especially right now, is something that will benefit most of us and can allow us to listen to a deeper aspect of who we really are.
Everything I write about, speak about and teach is really all about love. I sometimes find myself a little shy, embarrassed or self-conscious to come right out and say it—somehow fearing that love seems too soft, too personal, too intimate or too mysterious. However, being authentic and being appreciative , and just about anything else we aspire to in life, are all about love—of ourselves, of others and of life itself. Love, I believe, is the most powerful force in the universe—yet so many of us, myself included, almost apologize for talking about it, thinking about it and wanting to have it play a lead role in our lives.
As we interact with (or avoid) our families, in-laws, friends and even strangers on the street or in stores or restaurants over these next few days and weeks, ask yourself, "What would love do?" As we sit back and reflect on this past year and begin to plan, dream and prepare for the year ahead, what would love do? As we relate to ourselves in the midst of all of this, what would love do?
3 things to think about when you're making a decision
As Karen Drucker says in her beautiful song "What Would Love Do," "Love has all the answers. Love makes no demands. Love will lead me to the truth and help me to understand…that life is all about love."
Here are a few things to think about, as this relates to some of the areas and aspects of life where you may be challenged at the moment:
Pick a challenging or difficult aspect of your life right now. What's going on and how do you feel about this situation or relationship? More specifically, what kinds of questions are you asking yourself about this? The quality of the answers we receive in life is directly related to the quality of the questions we ask.
Ask yourself, "What would love do?" This may be an easy or difficult question for you to ask yourself about this specific situation or relationship. Allow yourself to hang out in this powerful inquiry and see what shows up. You may have lots of ideas or insights, or not. However, asking yourself this empowering question will almost surely give you deeper awareness and insight for what you could do if you allowed love to lead the way. Take bold and loving action, based on your answer to this question. Allow yourself to ponder and consider this question
long enough that you really feel it in your bones. The paradox here is that it's not so much about what you do; it's more about where it comes from. If it truly comes from a deep place of love within you, you'll know it, feel it and it will be the right thing to do. Trust yourself and your heart—and then be willing to take the risk and put yourself out there.
These days, so many of us are ripe with opportunities to practice asking ourselves the bold question, "What would love do?"
If we're courageous enough to ask, to truly listen to the answers we receive and to act on them from a place of real love, compassion and truth, we will have the opportunity to transform our lives and relationships in a real and profound way.
Let's do it…with love!
Mike Robbins is a best-selling author, sought-after motivational keynote speaker and personal growth expert who works with
people and groups of all kinds. Robbins is the author of the best-selling books Focus on the Good Stuff and Be Yourself:
Everyone Else Is Already Taken . He and his work have been featured on ABC News , in Forbes , Ladies Home Journal , Self
and many others.
MY THOUGHTS:
what would love do - now that will certainly change the way i look at things and the way i respond.this is not going to be easy especially when one is expected to respond immediately. to ask that question every time you need to respond or make a
decision would entail always stopping for awhile to think before acting. and this would be double hard for people like me who shoot from the hips - until the question becomes a part of me. i will need a miracle here.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
What's in the Stars for Valentine's Day
What's in the Stars for Valentine's Day?
by Dabney Oliver February 05, 2010 12:46 PM EST
Whether you are hitched, recently ditched, playing the field or in love -- Valentine’s Day can be special or a big old bust. Don’t give into the temptations to overhype the holiday, and take care of yourself and a loved one by sign.
Aries
Aries like activity. Work up a sweat on Valentine’s Day this year. If you are partnered, then you can think of some fun ways to get sweaty together. And if you're single, then lace up your Nikes and join the local running club to meet someone new this February 14.
Taurus
Help your man -- come right out and tell him what you want this Valentine’s Day. Taurus women love gifts so much that the pressure can be unbearable for men on this holiday. Try to set realistic expectations for the opposite sex and don’t just drop hints -- come out and ask for what you want. Single? Treat yourself well this February 14. Buy yourself the prettiest flowers you can find and head off to the spa for the day.
Gemini
Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year -- perfect to plan a day trip for you and a loved one. Get out of your environment and have a mini adventure together. Check out a diner or some unexpected little hideaway. Unattached Twins, treat yourself to a new book or pack up your laptop and head out to the local coffee shop. Park your pretty self on a couch and see who you meet.
Cancer
For Cancers, the way to the heart is through the stomach. That's right -- it might be cliche but a good, old-fashioned, home-cooked meal always says "love". Light candles, break out the negligee and feel the romance. In between sweeties? No matter -- cook yourself your favorite meal and rent a sappy '80s flick.
Leo
Leos are all about romance. They can’t live without it. This doesn't mean that romance for the Lion comes in a traditional box of chocolates or a home delivery of flowers. Leos want a gesture that speaks to how truly special they are. Help your loved one know what you need to make you feel appreciated. Single Leos, sign up for an art class or go out and take some tango lessons on February 14.
Virgo
Valentine’s Day this year falls on a Sunday. This is great news for Virgos; they should be treated to a luxurious breakfast in bed by a loved one. For the Virgin, it's not about the splashy gift or the usual trappings -- it's about doing nice things for one another to express love. For that matter -- all unattached Virgos will find giving to others on February 14 a fulfilling gesture of love.
Libra
You are the sweetest of Valentines in the zodiac -- you're built for this day. You know how to make those around you feel loved. Remember, if you have an expectation to receive in kind, you may need to communicate your needs ahead of time. Not everyone understands how to demonstrate the essence of this day like a Libra. Single Libras, gather up all your other single friends and have a fabulous dinner party.
Scorpio
Let’s be blunt here: Scorpios know how to be sexy. Out of any day of the year, this is the one to break out that lacy black thing (even if you have yet to figure out exactly how it goes on). Be sure to express your lusty desires to a loved one February 14. Not coupled? No worries. This is a great day to set intentions, collage and get specific about what you want to be doing and with whom you want to be a year from now.
Sagittarius
On this day, express your adventurous nature by cooking an international feast for your lover. Think sensual foods and sensual cultures. Italian maybe, or Spanish. Do it up. As a Sagittarius, you'll be having so much fun dancing around your tapas with a rose in your teeth that you'll be irresistible to your loved one. If you are celebrating your freedom and independence this February 14, plan a weekend getaway.
Capricorn
Normally you can be a bit of a workaholic. On Valentine’s Day, don’t let work get in the way of expressing how you really feel about your loved one. If you think it might be too difficult to pull your mind away from the office, set expectations with your honey. Capricorns love getting flowers delivered to them at work the Friday before February 14. It's a way of infusing a little love into an environment that could use it. If you are not feeling the day on Sunday, focus on “working” on yourself and set some goals for where you would like to be a year from now.
Aquarius
This Valentine’s Day, do what feels uniquely right for you. Skip the Hallmark sentiment and go for creating a new tradition that speaks to your heart. Your loved one will appreciate how you've infused your own personality into the date. Not coupled? Of any sign in the zodiac, you are the one to care least about this holiday, believing that it was created for commercial purposes. Celebrate your freedom from the schmaltz this February 14!
Pisces
You big sap! You love Valentine’s Day. That’s okay -- so do lots of others. Ask your loved one to plan something special. If your loved one is not so good at that, well, you may need to pull your head out of your dreamy haze for a couple hours to plan an indoor picnic or run down to the local video store and rent a romantic movie to set your imagination on fire. If you find yourself solo this February 14, make sure to call friends and have an alternative plan. Pisces need to be around love this day no matter if it's family, friends or lovers.
MY THOUGHTS
NOT MUCH TO SAY. I'M AN ARIAN. AND I DID SWEAT A LIITLE. BUT NOT IN A GYM. I WENT SHOPPING FOR SHOES IN LILIW! WAT A VALENTINE!
by Dabney Oliver February 05, 2010 12:46 PM EST
Whether you are hitched, recently ditched, playing the field or in love -- Valentine’s Day can be special or a big old bust. Don’t give into the temptations to overhype the holiday, and take care of yourself and a loved one by sign.
Aries
Aries like activity. Work up a sweat on Valentine’s Day this year. If you are partnered, then you can think of some fun ways to get sweaty together. And if you're single, then lace up your Nikes and join the local running club to meet someone new this February 14.
Taurus
Help your man -- come right out and tell him what you want this Valentine’s Day. Taurus women love gifts so much that the pressure can be unbearable for men on this holiday. Try to set realistic expectations for the opposite sex and don’t just drop hints -- come out and ask for what you want. Single? Treat yourself well this February 14. Buy yourself the prettiest flowers you can find and head off to the spa for the day.
Gemini
Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year -- perfect to plan a day trip for you and a loved one. Get out of your environment and have a mini adventure together. Check out a diner or some unexpected little hideaway. Unattached Twins, treat yourself to a new book or pack up your laptop and head out to the local coffee shop. Park your pretty self on a couch and see who you meet.
Cancer
For Cancers, the way to the heart is through the stomach. That's right -- it might be cliche but a good, old-fashioned, home-cooked meal always says "love". Light candles, break out the negligee and feel the romance. In between sweeties? No matter -- cook yourself your favorite meal and rent a sappy '80s flick.
Leo
Leos are all about romance. They can’t live without it. This doesn't mean that romance for the Lion comes in a traditional box of chocolates or a home delivery of flowers. Leos want a gesture that speaks to how truly special they are. Help your loved one know what you need to make you feel appreciated. Single Leos, sign up for an art class or go out and take some tango lessons on February 14.
Virgo
Valentine’s Day this year falls on a Sunday. This is great news for Virgos; they should be treated to a luxurious breakfast in bed by a loved one. For the Virgin, it's not about the splashy gift or the usual trappings -- it's about doing nice things for one another to express love. For that matter -- all unattached Virgos will find giving to others on February 14 a fulfilling gesture of love.
Libra
You are the sweetest of Valentines in the zodiac -- you're built for this day. You know how to make those around you feel loved. Remember, if you have an expectation to receive in kind, you may need to communicate your needs ahead of time. Not everyone understands how to demonstrate the essence of this day like a Libra. Single Libras, gather up all your other single friends and have a fabulous dinner party.
Scorpio
Let’s be blunt here: Scorpios know how to be sexy. Out of any day of the year, this is the one to break out that lacy black thing (even if you have yet to figure out exactly how it goes on). Be sure to express your lusty desires to a loved one February 14. Not coupled? No worries. This is a great day to set intentions, collage and get specific about what you want to be doing and with whom you want to be a year from now.
Sagittarius
On this day, express your adventurous nature by cooking an international feast for your lover. Think sensual foods and sensual cultures. Italian maybe, or Spanish. Do it up. As a Sagittarius, you'll be having so much fun dancing around your tapas with a rose in your teeth that you'll be irresistible to your loved one. If you are celebrating your freedom and independence this February 14, plan a weekend getaway.
Capricorn
Normally you can be a bit of a workaholic. On Valentine’s Day, don’t let work get in the way of expressing how you really feel about your loved one. If you think it might be too difficult to pull your mind away from the office, set expectations with your honey. Capricorns love getting flowers delivered to them at work the Friday before February 14. It's a way of infusing a little love into an environment that could use it. If you are not feeling the day on Sunday, focus on “working” on yourself and set some goals for where you would like to be a year from now.
Aquarius
This Valentine’s Day, do what feels uniquely right for you. Skip the Hallmark sentiment and go for creating a new tradition that speaks to your heart. Your loved one will appreciate how you've infused your own personality into the date. Not coupled? Of any sign in the zodiac, you are the one to care least about this holiday, believing that it was created for commercial purposes. Celebrate your freedom from the schmaltz this February 14!
Pisces
You big sap! You love Valentine’s Day. That’s okay -- so do lots of others. Ask your loved one to plan something special. If your loved one is not so good at that, well, you may need to pull your head out of your dreamy haze for a couple hours to plan an indoor picnic or run down to the local video store and rent a romantic movie to set your imagination on fire. If you find yourself solo this February 14, make sure to call friends and have an alternative plan. Pisces need to be around love this day no matter if it's family, friends or lovers.
MY THOUGHTS
NOT MUCH TO SAY. I'M AN ARIAN. AND I DID SWEAT A LIITLE. BUT NOT IN A GYM. I WENT SHOPPING FOR SHOES IN LILIW! WAT A VALENTINE!
Making Love Last
Make Romance Last
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | November 18, 2009
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months toâ??at bestâ??three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romanceâ??with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.
Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.
Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.
Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.
What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!
There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.
And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.
MY THOUGHTS
SO, THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE LOVE LAST. BUT WE NEED TO WORK ON IT. IT'S NOT AUTOMATIC AND IT'S NOT YOUR PARTNER'S RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S YOURS! IF YOUR PARTNER IS NOT DOING HIS/HER SHARE, LET GOD HANDLE THAT FOR YOU. LOVE CAN LAST. I KNOW....
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | November 18, 2009
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months toâ??at bestâ??three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romanceâ??with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.
Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.
Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.
Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.
What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!
There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.
And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.
MY THOUGHTS
SO, THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE LOVE LAST. BUT WE NEED TO WORK ON IT. IT'S NOT AUTOMATIC AND IT'S NOT YOUR PARTNER'S RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S YOURS! IF YOUR PARTNER IS NOT DOING HIS/HER SHARE, LET GOD HANDLE THAT FOR YOU. LOVE CAN LAST. I KNOW....
Monday, November 23, 2009
getting along with in-laws
How to Get Along with Your In-Laws
By Francesca Di Meglio, About.com Guide
Finding your place in a new family is probably one of the hardest parts of marriage. In-laws can be intimidating at first. They have their own values, beliefs, and traditions. They feel they've loved your husband or wife longer than you have and know what's best for him or her. And you're the new kid on the block. Sometimes, in-laws are loving and welcoming. Sometimes, in-laws are defensive because they feel like you're crowding their territory. Often, they are both. But there is hope for your relationship with your in-laws. Here's a guide on how to get along with your in-laws -
Step One - Get to know your in-laws.
When you decide to seriously date and then marry a person, you must make it a point to open your heart and mind to his or her family. When invited to the home of your in-laws, you must talk to your hosts. Make conversation. Ask questions about the family history. Offer to help set the table
Step Two - Find your niche in the family.
Once you know everyone, and everyone knows you, you must find your niche in the family. That means you need to determine where you fit in and what you can contribute. No one wants to be the black sheep. Your husband or wife can help you get along with his or her family. Your spouse, for instance, can introduce you to cousin Stella, who enjoys knitting as much as you do. Or your husband can encourage his mom to invite you to the annual girls day at the spa that she has with her daughters and nieces. Your spouse can also smooth things over if you're ever misunderstood by the in-laws. All these things go a long way to helping you find your place and determine the kind of relationship you'll have with your in-laws.
Step Three - Establish relationships with your in-laws.
Often, people tip-toe around issues rather than coming out and saying what is on their minds. Instead of assuming that your in-laws would like this type or that type of relationship with you, you should just come out and ask them. Discuss the particulars of your relationship, such as whether you'd be comfortable calling them mom and dad or the limits you'd like to set when it comes to family visits and advice about housekeeping and parenting. If you discuss these issues up front, then they should be less of a problem for everyone down the road.
Step Four - Stop the meddling mother-in-law.
Pushy mothers-in-law are the subject of many jokes, but they are also a reality for many families. Not everyone has to deal with this step. But a meddling mother-in-law can wreak havoc on a couple's relationship. They can cause arguments between husband and wife, make their in-laws feel like outsiders or as though they're being judged, and they can try to steal center stage. Most of the time, their intentions are good. They think they are helping the couple. Or they feel left out of their child's new married life. Fear of losing a child can drive a mother to do crazy things. Patience and understanding can get you all through this difficult transitional phase.
Step Five - Resolve in-law problems.
Families breed love, but they also breed problems. There are growing pains whenever someone new enters the family dynamic. Then, there are also other problems, ones you often start to face when you're planning your wedding -- from divorced parents who put their kid (your spouse) in the middle of their arguments to parents who never thought anyone, not even you, was good enough for their son or daughter. Besides these problems, there are issues that arise everyday about things, such as how you're raising your kids or where you'll spend the holidays. All of these problems require a resolution. To solve problems, you have to be able to communicate openly and diplomatically.
MY THOUGHTS
In-laws. This is one issue that appears to be very challenging to a lot of people. However, I am finding less and less people having this problem. Maybe I've moved to a more mature circle. Or maybe this issue has ceased to be a priority. Some may have just left it as part of life. While others have learned to do the four steps - "get to know your in-laws, find your niche in the family, stop the meddling mother-in-law, resolve in-law problems". These steps sound logical. Easy? Well, it will take a lot of emotional investments and prayers and adding another step - "Do unto others". You can be the "new kid in the block". And you will also have new kids in your block. Go figure.
By Francesca Di Meglio, About.com Guide
Finding your place in a new family is probably one of the hardest parts of marriage. In-laws can be intimidating at first. They have their own values, beliefs, and traditions. They feel they've loved your husband or wife longer than you have and know what's best for him or her. And you're the new kid on the block. Sometimes, in-laws are loving and welcoming. Sometimes, in-laws are defensive because they feel like you're crowding their territory. Often, they are both. But there is hope for your relationship with your in-laws. Here's a guide on how to get along with your in-laws -
Step One - Get to know your in-laws.
When you decide to seriously date and then marry a person, you must make it a point to open your heart and mind to his or her family. When invited to the home of your in-laws, you must talk to your hosts. Make conversation. Ask questions about the family history. Offer to help set the table
Step Two - Find your niche in the family.
Once you know everyone, and everyone knows you, you must find your niche in the family. That means you need to determine where you fit in and what you can contribute. No one wants to be the black sheep. Your husband or wife can help you get along with his or her family. Your spouse, for instance, can introduce you to cousin Stella, who enjoys knitting as much as you do. Or your husband can encourage his mom to invite you to the annual girls day at the spa that she has with her daughters and nieces. Your spouse can also smooth things over if you're ever misunderstood by the in-laws. All these things go a long way to helping you find your place and determine the kind of relationship you'll have with your in-laws.
Step Three - Establish relationships with your in-laws.
Often, people tip-toe around issues rather than coming out and saying what is on their minds. Instead of assuming that your in-laws would like this type or that type of relationship with you, you should just come out and ask them. Discuss the particulars of your relationship, such as whether you'd be comfortable calling them mom and dad or the limits you'd like to set when it comes to family visits and advice about housekeeping and parenting. If you discuss these issues up front, then they should be less of a problem for everyone down the road.
Step Four - Stop the meddling mother-in-law.
Pushy mothers-in-law are the subject of many jokes, but they are also a reality for many families. Not everyone has to deal with this step. But a meddling mother-in-law can wreak havoc on a couple's relationship. They can cause arguments between husband and wife, make their in-laws feel like outsiders or as though they're being judged, and they can try to steal center stage. Most of the time, their intentions are good. They think they are helping the couple. Or they feel left out of their child's new married life. Fear of losing a child can drive a mother to do crazy things. Patience and understanding can get you all through this difficult transitional phase.
Step Five - Resolve in-law problems.
Families breed love, but they also breed problems. There are growing pains whenever someone new enters the family dynamic. Then, there are also other problems, ones you often start to face when you're planning your wedding -- from divorced parents who put their kid (your spouse) in the middle of their arguments to parents who never thought anyone, not even you, was good enough for their son or daughter. Besides these problems, there are issues that arise everyday about things, such as how you're raising your kids or where you'll spend the holidays. All of these problems require a resolution. To solve problems, you have to be able to communicate openly and diplomatically.
MY THOUGHTS
In-laws. This is one issue that appears to be very challenging to a lot of people. However, I am finding less and less people having this problem. Maybe I've moved to a more mature circle. Or maybe this issue has ceased to be a priority. Some may have just left it as part of life. While others have learned to do the four steps - "get to know your in-laws, find your niche in the family, stop the meddling mother-in-law, resolve in-law problems". These steps sound logical. Easy? Well, it will take a lot of emotional investments and prayers and adding another step - "Do unto others". You can be the "new kid in the block". And you will also have new kids in your block. Go figure.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Is Your Love Genuine Or Fake?
Is Your Love Genuine Or Fake?
By Bo Sanchez
“Buy Rolex. $20 only.”
A moustached guy offered it to me while walking in a busy street.
Wow. Didn’t Rolex watches sell at $5000 each?
Because he thought I was interested, the man opened his jacket and displayed other designer watches—such as Patek Phillip, Cartier, and Omega. “Choose what you want. $20 only each.”
That was shocking. I knew some high-end Patek watches cost $200,000. So how in the world could this man be selling them for $20?
Too bad for the watch guy, I don’t use watches. Stopped using them 25 years ago. To know the time, I look at the sun. On a cloudy day, I look at someone else’s watch.
But my buddy bought a $20 Rolex. It was a steal, he said.
Hey, it looked like a Rolex. It worked like a Rolex. It felt like a Rolex. But it wasn’t a Rolex.
Five months later, my friend was sad because his watch broke down. I told him, “What did you expect?”
Let me use this to explain why we have problems in our relationships.
How To Do The Great Switcheroo
Why do so many marriages have problems today?
Because many couples built their marriage on a pirated version of Love, not Love.
The pirated version of Love is Infatuation.
There was a time when I thought Infatuation was only for pimple-faced teenyboppers. Not true. Old fogies like myself aren’t exempted.
Not that Infatuation is a bad thing. It’s totally normal. Infatuation only becomes a bad thing if a person thinks it was Love.
I repeat: Infatuation is like a pirated copy of Love.
Foolish people think the pirated copy is real. When it breaks down, they panic or get depressed. They realize it’s fake. And their whole world crumbles.
Wise people know Infatuation is a pirated copy. They enjoy it while it lasts, but they know it was brittle and wouldn’t last. So secretly, they also bought the genuine article. (Note: Pirated versions are given; Real versions are bought. I’ll explain later.) So when the pirated version breaks down, the wise person does the great switcheroo. He pulls out the real thing.
Today, I’ll tell you how to spot the genuine from the fake.
I’ll describe the real deal—and how it’s the only thing that can save your marriage. But not only your marriage, but every other relationship you have.
Oh yes, so many people have relationship problems with their parents, or children, or siblings, or friends—because they don’t know what Real Love is.
I’m going to explain to you that Real Love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts.
Let me explain how this great switcheroo works…
“Ngooorrrk!”
“Father, we want to get married.”
When the engaged couple went to the priest to schedule their wedding, their hearts were beating for each other. It was so loud, the priest could actually hear it. “Dubdub. Dubdub. Dubdub.”
But he’s seen this before. How sweet lovebirds end up almost killing each other a year after the wedding. So he warned them, “As you know, feelings of love won’t last.”
And the couple said, “We know Father.”
But at the back of their minds, they’re saying, “We know Father that feelings of love won’t last for everyone else. But not for us. How can this feeling be fake when it’s as strong as a roaring volcano? It is as clear as the noonday sun, as eternal as the waves of the sea, as beautiful as the stars in the night sky.”
After the wedding ceremony, they have their honeymoon.
On their first night, the new husband watches his bride asleep, the moonlight streaming from the bedroom window onto her lovely face. He gazes at her long eyelashes, her pinkish cheeks, her parted lips. All of a sudden, she snores.
“Ngooorrrk.”
What does he say?
“How cute.”
Six months later, it’s the same scene.
They’re at home. The guy sees his wife asleep, with the moonlight streaming from the window onto her face. All of a sudden, she snores.
“Ngooorrrk.”
What does he say?
“How gross.”
What happened? Infatuation, the pirated version of love, disappeared. Real Love must now kick in.
But only if he has it.
Let me give you another example.
From Gazing To Gossiping
How do you know if a couple in the restaurant are not married?
Easy.
If they’re physically close, touching each other, hand to hand, eye to eye, nose to nose, bad breath to bad breath—they’re not married.
Look underneath their table, and if their legs are intertwined and they’re playing footsies together, they’re not married.
If they don’t look at anything else but each other, they’re not married.
If nuclear bombs fall right beside them and they won’t even notice, they’re not married.
If a flash flood engulfs the entire restaurant and all the guy could say was, “Sweetheart, I love the color of your eyes as it reflects the brownish floodwater around us,” you can bet your life, they’re not married.
And how do you know if a couple in a restaurant are married?
Easy.
If they’re seated far apart, so far a part, a six by six truck could pass in between them, they’re married.
If they look bored, they’re married.
If the whole night, all they do is talk about other people, they’re married. The wife whispers, “Don’t look at her, but the woman behind you is wearing fake eyelashes, fake jewellery, a fake Coach bag, fake anatomical parts, and a fake husband.” Being dense, the man turns around and asks, “Where? Where?”
Once upon a time, they had eyes only for one another.
Now, they barely look at each other.
What has happened? Infatuation, the pirated version of love, disappeared. Real Love must now kick in.
But only if they have it.
Spot The Difference
Let me now share five clear-as-daylight differences between Infatuation and Real Love:
1. Infatuation doesn’t require a decision. It just happens. You see a girl and boom—your hormones kick in and you want her. You don’t know why. It’s her dress. It’s the way her hair falls on her shoulder. It’s her smile. It’s the way she bites her fingernail. That’s why I said that pirated versions are free. But Real Love doesn’t just happen; Real Love requires a decision. That’s why Scott Peck says Real Love can only start after one has “fallen out of love.”
2. Infatuation, no matter what you do, lasts only for a season. You have these feelings of love swirling within you until something happens that breaks the spell. Maybe she’ll open her mouth. Maybe she’ll reveal her fangs. Maybe she’ll pick her nose. Maybe she’ll spend your money. Maybe she’ll introduce you to her mother. Maybe she gains 30 pounds. It could be anything. Infatuation can last for a few days or for a couple of years. But Real Love can last forever precisely because it’s a decision.
3. Infatuation is directed towards a figment of your imagination. You’re not attracted to a real person. You’re attracted to a projection of that person from your own imagination. Like Infatuation itself, you’re in love with a fake. But Real Love is directed towards a real person. You now know her strengths and weaknesses, and have accepted it all.
4. Infatuation is a spontaneous collapse of your boundaries. You get lost and you merge with the other. You’re enmeshed. You can’t survive without each other. But Real Love requires strengthening of both your boundaries; You actually don’t need each other, but you choose each other because you want to serve.
5. Infatuation is all about feelings. Dubdub. Dubdub. Dubdub. Cold palms, giddy spells, dazed looks, and feet on the clouds. But Real Love is about dirty hands. You don’t have to feelanything to love. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Love is an action, not just a state. Let me repeat my message: I believe love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts. The essence of love isn’t feelings but service. Scott Peck says it so well—the opposite of love isn’t hatred; the opposite of love is laziness.
Your Physiology Affects Your Psychology
Here’s the thing.
I’ve found out that only mature people can love. Only mature people can do the great switcheroo when the pirated copy fails. They just pull out the genuine article.
Why? Only mature people have love within them.
Real Love has very little to do with the other person. A loving person can love because he is a loving person, not because the other person is lovable.
You may be asking me, “But Bo, is love dry? Isn’t there room for feelings?”
Of course, there is.
Here’s a secret mature people know in their hearts even if they don’t know it cognitively: Your physiology affects your psychology. Your feeling follows your action.
If we keep on doing acts of love, we increase our feelings of love. The more we “dirty our hands”, the more we find our “hearts beating” for the other.
To make this practical, let me share seven simple ways of dirtying your hands. They are (1) Help, (2) Prayer, (3) Presence, (4) Touch, (5) Words, (6) Gifts, and (7) Boundaries.
1. Help
Love means giving practical help.
If you’re a mother, I’m sure there are days when you wake up feeling blue and you don’t want to enter the kitchen. But fifteen minutes later, where are you? Cooking in the kitchen, because some little people will get hungry. You don’t feel like doing it. But you do it anyway. That’s love.
If you’re a husband, I’m sure there are days when you go home tired from work. But you see your kids. And even if all you want to do is lie down on the couch, you decide to play with them. You don’t feel like doing it. But you do it anyway. That’s love.
If you’re a child whose parents are older, I’m sure you want to help them. Sure, you’ve got your own problems now, but doesn’t stop you from serving them. You don’t feel like doing it. But you do it anyway. That’s love.
2. Prayer
Love means praying for your loved ones.
Perhaps your father was a horrible man. And you hate him. But you decide to pray for him.
Sooner or later, God will answer your prayer. God will change him, but He’ll change you first. Your father gets blessed, but you get blessed too. Ultimately, you become a more loving person.
You pray whether you feel like it or not.
That’s love.
3. Presence
Love means spending time together.
Not just being physically together, but also being emotionally together.
That could mean a father playing with his kids. Or a daughter visiting her aging parents. Or siblings going shopping together. Or friends laughing over pizza. Or a couple taking a walk.
There’ll be times when you won’t feel like bonding together.
But you do it anyway. That’s love.
4. Touch
Love means physical affection.
One day, a couple walking to work noticed a man passionately kissing a woman. “Why don’t you do that?” said the wife.
“Honey,” replied her husband, “I don’t even know that woman!”
People aren’t machines. They need to be touched. Holding hands, pats on the back, shoulder rubs, hugs, and kisses nourish and heal people more than you can possibly imagine.
Again, there’ll be days when you don’t want to kiss or hold hands or hug. But you do it anyway. That’s love.
5. Words
Love means verbal or written expressions.
When was the last time you told your husband, “Thank you for working so hard for our family”? When was the last time you told your wife, “Thank you for being a great mother to our kids”? When was the last time you told your mother, “Thanks for serving me all these years”? And when was the last time you actually said, “I love you”?
You might argue with me and say, “Bo, I don’t want to be a hypocrite. When I say it, I must feel it.”
Here’s my question: Are you just your emotions?
Or are you much more than your emotions? Are you also your spirit, your soul, your mind, your imagination, your will?
6. Gifts
Love means giving tokens—or symbols of love.
To you, your gift may mean nothing. But to another person, a small, inexpensive gift from you could mean the world.
7. Boundaries
Love means respecting the boundaries of the other.
Love means giving space to the other and letting the other person grow on her own. Love also means letting the other face her own responsibilities.
I like it when my wife goes out with her girlfriends each week. I like it when she takes up other interests. I like it when she grows and flourishes as an individual. I like it when she tells me, “Bo, I need some alone time. I’ll just go window shopping for awhile.” So I pray over her, “Lord, I claim in faith that she’ll be faithful to those words, that she will indeed go ‘window’ shopping only. Thank you, Lord, for this miracle!”
Love Is Service
I dedicate my last story to all those living away from their loved ones today—Overseas Filipino Workers, Migrants, etc.
Many years ago, I met Alice, a Filipina teacher in Brunei.
She was my host and took care of me while I was there. When I woke up early one morning, I noticed that she was on the phone. But she wasn’t speaking.
She explained that it was her beautiful ritual of love to her husband. Years ago, her husband suffered a stroke and he became paralyzed. So she went to Brunei to work for the family.
And what was this ritual of love? Alice would wake up at 4 in the morning to call her husband. (This was before the days of cell phones and text messages.) But because they could not afford long distance calls, they agreed that the husband was not to answer the phone.
Instead, the husband would allow the phone to ring.
And ring.
And ring.
He would allow the love of Alice, symbolized by the ringing, to fill their house and to fill his heart.
For 8 years straight, Alice did this beautiful ritual without fail.
Until he finally passed away.
That’s what love is.
Not like feelings that come and go.
Not like moods that are here today and gone tomorrow.
Love is simply done, day in and day out.
Because it’s eternal.
Constant.
Faithful.
It was Mother Teresa who said, “Service is a fruit of love”.
if you love, you will serve.
Go now, and like Mother Teresa, dirty your hands.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez
MY THOUGHTS
I know - the girls (or women) will most likely read this. But I'm praying the boys (who have become men, I hope) will spend some time to read, too. We think, we know everything about love. We've fallen in and out of it anyway. We have all those memories. We tell ourselves, "I know from experience". And yet, we look around and we ask - what happened? or what's happening? Believe me, Bo knows what he's talking about. "Love", indeed, "is a verb". "it requires action". If you don't act now, you will become Wonder Woman (or Wonder Man). You wonder why. Why this man or woman? Or why you got married in the first place. Bo said , "Love requires a decision". You decide now. It won't take you much time to read. And it will probably save you time trying to salavage a broken relationship. And it's a good read, too. Fun!!!
By Bo Sanchez
“Buy Rolex. $20 only.”
A moustached guy offered it to me while walking in a busy street.
Wow. Didn’t Rolex watches sell at $5000 each?
Because he thought I was interested, the man opened his jacket and displayed other designer watches—such as Patek Phillip, Cartier, and Omega. “Choose what you want. $20 only each.”
That was shocking. I knew some high-end Patek watches cost $200,000. So how in the world could this man be selling them for $20?
Too bad for the watch guy, I don’t use watches. Stopped using them 25 years ago. To know the time, I look at the sun. On a cloudy day, I look at someone else’s watch.
But my buddy bought a $20 Rolex. It was a steal, he said.
Hey, it looked like a Rolex. It worked like a Rolex. It felt like a Rolex. But it wasn’t a Rolex.
Five months later, my friend was sad because his watch broke down. I told him, “What did you expect?”
Let me use this to explain why we have problems in our relationships.
How To Do The Great Switcheroo
Why do so many marriages have problems today?
Because many couples built their marriage on a pirated version of Love, not Love.
The pirated version of Love is Infatuation.
There was a time when I thought Infatuation was only for pimple-faced teenyboppers. Not true. Old fogies like myself aren’t exempted.
Not that Infatuation is a bad thing. It’s totally normal. Infatuation only becomes a bad thing if a person thinks it was Love.
I repeat: Infatuation is like a pirated copy of Love.
Foolish people think the pirated copy is real. When it breaks down, they panic or get depressed. They realize it’s fake. And their whole world crumbles.
Wise people know Infatuation is a pirated copy. They enjoy it while it lasts, but they know it was brittle and wouldn’t last. So secretly, they also bought the genuine article. (Note: Pirated versions are given; Real versions are bought. I’ll explain later.) So when the pirated version breaks down, the wise person does the great switcheroo. He pulls out the real thing.
Today, I’ll tell you how to spot the genuine from the fake.
I’ll describe the real deal—and how it’s the only thing that can save your marriage. But not only your marriage, but every other relationship you have.
Oh yes, so many people have relationship problems with their parents, or children, or siblings, or friends—because they don’t know what Real Love is.
I’m going to explain to you that Real Love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts.
Let me explain how this great switcheroo works…
“Ngooorrrk!”
“Father, we want to get married.”
When the engaged couple went to the priest to schedule their wedding, their hearts were beating for each other. It was so loud, the priest could actually hear it. “Dubdub. Dubdub. Dubdub.”
But he’s seen this before. How sweet lovebirds end up almost killing each other a year after the wedding. So he warned them, “As you know, feelings of love won’t last.”
And the couple said, “We know Father.”
But at the back of their minds, they’re saying, “We know Father that feelings of love won’t last for everyone else. But not for us. How can this feeling be fake when it’s as strong as a roaring volcano? It is as clear as the noonday sun, as eternal as the waves of the sea, as beautiful as the stars in the night sky.”
After the wedding ceremony, they have their honeymoon.
On their first night, the new husband watches his bride asleep, the moonlight streaming from the bedroom window onto her lovely face. He gazes at her long eyelashes, her pinkish cheeks, her parted lips. All of a sudden, she snores.
“Ngooorrrk.”
What does he say?
“How cute.”
Six months later, it’s the same scene.
They’re at home. The guy sees his wife asleep, with the moonlight streaming from the window onto her face. All of a sudden, she snores.
“Ngooorrrk.”
What does he say?
“How gross.”
What happened? Infatuation, the pirated version of love, disappeared. Real Love must now kick in.
But only if he has it.
Let me give you another example.
From Gazing To Gossiping
How do you know if a couple in the restaurant are not married?
Easy.
If they’re physically close, touching each other, hand to hand, eye to eye, nose to nose, bad breath to bad breath—they’re not married.
Look underneath their table, and if their legs are intertwined and they’re playing footsies together, they’re not married.
If they don’t look at anything else but each other, they’re not married.
If nuclear bombs fall right beside them and they won’t even notice, they’re not married.
If a flash flood engulfs the entire restaurant and all the guy could say was, “Sweetheart, I love the color of your eyes as it reflects the brownish floodwater around us,” you can bet your life, they’re not married.
And how do you know if a couple in a restaurant are married?
Easy.
If they’re seated far apart, so far a part, a six by six truck could pass in between them, they’re married.
If they look bored, they’re married.
If the whole night, all they do is talk about other people, they’re married. The wife whispers, “Don’t look at her, but the woman behind you is wearing fake eyelashes, fake jewellery, a fake Coach bag, fake anatomical parts, and a fake husband.” Being dense, the man turns around and asks, “Where? Where?”
Once upon a time, they had eyes only for one another.
Now, they barely look at each other.
What has happened? Infatuation, the pirated version of love, disappeared. Real Love must now kick in.
But only if they have it.
Spot The Difference
Let me now share five clear-as-daylight differences between Infatuation and Real Love:
1. Infatuation doesn’t require a decision. It just happens. You see a girl and boom—your hormones kick in and you want her. You don’t know why. It’s her dress. It’s the way her hair falls on her shoulder. It’s her smile. It’s the way she bites her fingernail. That’s why I said that pirated versions are free. But Real Love doesn’t just happen; Real Love requires a decision. That’s why Scott Peck says Real Love can only start after one has “fallen out of love.”
2. Infatuation, no matter what you do, lasts only for a season. You have these feelings of love swirling within you until something happens that breaks the spell. Maybe she’ll open her mouth. Maybe she’ll reveal her fangs. Maybe she’ll pick her nose. Maybe she’ll spend your money. Maybe she’ll introduce you to her mother. Maybe she gains 30 pounds. It could be anything. Infatuation can last for a few days or for a couple of years. But Real Love can last forever precisely because it’s a decision.
3. Infatuation is directed towards a figment of your imagination. You’re not attracted to a real person. You’re attracted to a projection of that person from your own imagination. Like Infatuation itself, you’re in love with a fake. But Real Love is directed towards a real person. You now know her strengths and weaknesses, and have accepted it all.
4. Infatuation is a spontaneous collapse of your boundaries. You get lost and you merge with the other. You’re enmeshed. You can’t survive without each other. But Real Love requires strengthening of both your boundaries; You actually don’t need each other, but you choose each other because you want to serve.
5. Infatuation is all about feelings. Dubdub. Dubdub. Dubdub. Cold palms, giddy spells, dazed looks, and feet on the clouds. But Real Love is about dirty hands. You don’t have to feelanything to love. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Love is an action, not just a state. Let me repeat my message: I believe love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts. The essence of love isn’t feelings but service. Scott Peck says it so well—the opposite of love isn’t hatred; the opposite of love is laziness.
Your Physiology Affects Your Psychology
Here’s the thing.
I’ve found out that only mature people can love. Only mature people can do the great switcheroo when the pirated copy fails. They just pull out the genuine article.
Why? Only mature people have love within them.
Real Love has very little to do with the other person. A loving person can love because he is a loving person, not because the other person is lovable.
You may be asking me, “But Bo, is love dry? Isn’t there room for feelings?”
Of course, there is.
Here’s a secret mature people know in their hearts even if they don’t know it cognitively: Your physiology affects your psychology. Your feeling follows your action.
If we keep on doing acts of love, we increase our feelings of love. The more we “dirty our hands”, the more we find our “hearts beating” for the other.
To make this practical, let me share seven simple ways of dirtying your hands. They are (1) Help, (2) Prayer, (3) Presence, (4) Touch, (5) Words, (6) Gifts, and (7) Boundaries.
1. Help
Love means giving practical help.
If you’re a mother, I’m sure there are days when you wake up feeling blue and you don’t want to enter the kitchen. But fifteen minutes later, where are you? Cooking in the kitchen, because some little people will get hungry. You don’t feel like doing it. But you do it anyway. That’s love.
If you’re a husband, I’m sure there are days when you go home tired from work. But you see your kids. And even if all you want to do is lie down on the couch, you decide to play with them. You don’t feel like doing it. But you do it anyway. That’s love.
If you’re a child whose parents are older, I’m sure you want to help them. Sure, you’ve got your own problems now, but doesn’t stop you from serving them. You don’t feel like doing it. But you do it anyway. That’s love.
2. Prayer
Love means praying for your loved ones.
Perhaps your father was a horrible man. And you hate him. But you decide to pray for him.
Sooner or later, God will answer your prayer. God will change him, but He’ll change you first. Your father gets blessed, but you get blessed too. Ultimately, you become a more loving person.
You pray whether you feel like it or not.
That’s love.
3. Presence
Love means spending time together.
Not just being physically together, but also being emotionally together.
That could mean a father playing with his kids. Or a daughter visiting her aging parents. Or siblings going shopping together. Or friends laughing over pizza. Or a couple taking a walk.
There’ll be times when you won’t feel like bonding together.
But you do it anyway. That’s love.
4. Touch
Love means physical affection.
One day, a couple walking to work noticed a man passionately kissing a woman. “Why don’t you do that?” said the wife.
“Honey,” replied her husband, “I don’t even know that woman!”
People aren’t machines. They need to be touched. Holding hands, pats on the back, shoulder rubs, hugs, and kisses nourish and heal people more than you can possibly imagine.
Again, there’ll be days when you don’t want to kiss or hold hands or hug. But you do it anyway. That’s love.
5. Words
Love means verbal or written expressions.
When was the last time you told your husband, “Thank you for working so hard for our family”? When was the last time you told your wife, “Thank you for being a great mother to our kids”? When was the last time you told your mother, “Thanks for serving me all these years”? And when was the last time you actually said, “I love you”?
You might argue with me and say, “Bo, I don’t want to be a hypocrite. When I say it, I must feel it.”
Here’s my question: Are you just your emotions?
Or are you much more than your emotions? Are you also your spirit, your soul, your mind, your imagination, your will?
6. Gifts
Love means giving tokens—or symbols of love.
To you, your gift may mean nothing. But to another person, a small, inexpensive gift from you could mean the world.
7. Boundaries
Love means respecting the boundaries of the other.
Love means giving space to the other and letting the other person grow on her own. Love also means letting the other face her own responsibilities.
I like it when my wife goes out with her girlfriends each week. I like it when she takes up other interests. I like it when she grows and flourishes as an individual. I like it when she tells me, “Bo, I need some alone time. I’ll just go window shopping for awhile.” So I pray over her, “Lord, I claim in faith that she’ll be faithful to those words, that she will indeed go ‘window’ shopping only. Thank you, Lord, for this miracle!”
Love Is Service
I dedicate my last story to all those living away from their loved ones today—Overseas Filipino Workers, Migrants, etc.
Many years ago, I met Alice, a Filipina teacher in Brunei.
She was my host and took care of me while I was there. When I woke up early one morning, I noticed that she was on the phone. But she wasn’t speaking.
She explained that it was her beautiful ritual of love to her husband. Years ago, her husband suffered a stroke and he became paralyzed. So she went to Brunei to work for the family.
And what was this ritual of love? Alice would wake up at 4 in the morning to call her husband. (This was before the days of cell phones and text messages.) But because they could not afford long distance calls, they agreed that the husband was not to answer the phone.
Instead, the husband would allow the phone to ring.
And ring.
And ring.
He would allow the love of Alice, symbolized by the ringing, to fill their house and to fill his heart.
For 8 years straight, Alice did this beautiful ritual without fail.
Until he finally passed away.
That’s what love is.
Not like feelings that come and go.
Not like moods that are here today and gone tomorrow.
Love is simply done, day in and day out.
Because it’s eternal.
Constant.
Faithful.
It was Mother Teresa who said, “Service is a fruit of love”.
if you love, you will serve.
Go now, and like Mother Teresa, dirty your hands.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez
MY THOUGHTS
I know - the girls (or women) will most likely read this. But I'm praying the boys (who have become men, I hope) will spend some time to read, too. We think, we know everything about love. We've fallen in and out of it anyway. We have all those memories. We tell ourselves, "I know from experience". And yet, we look around and we ask - what happened? or what's happening? Believe me, Bo knows what he's talking about. "Love", indeed, "is a verb". "it requires action". If you don't act now, you will become Wonder Woman (or Wonder Man). You wonder why. Why this man or woman? Or why you got married in the first place. Bo said , "Love requires a decision". You decide now. It won't take you much time to read. And it will probably save you time trying to salavage a broken relationship. And it's a good read, too. Fun!!!
Friday, October 30, 2009
drifting relationships?
Fight The Relationship Drift
By Bo Sanchez
Warning: There’s a cruel epidemic afflicting our families, our marriages, and our friendships. It’s called the Relationship Drift.
It’s a very devious disease. It’s like some cancers. You really don’t know you have it until it’s fatal. And then it’s too late.
And then Relationship Drift becomes Relationship Dead.
The only solution is to diagnose it early.
But the symptoms of Relationship Drift are almost invisible to the naked eye.
Because you’re not really fighting each other.
There are no screaming matches. In fact, your home is quiet. Like a convent.
And there are no pots and pans flying in the air.
And there are no bloody court cases.
But little by little, your hearts move apart.
Intimacy is gone.
Joy is missing.
In marriage, sex only happens every time Haley’s comet passes planet earth.
You take each other for granted.
One day, you know the disease had run its full course because you wake up one morning not caring for the other person anymore.
Let me give you examples of the Relationship Drift:
The father who doesn’t have heart-to-heart conversations with his kids anymore. Or the wife who doesn’t enjoy her husband’s company anymore. Or a couple who talk to each other functionally, not deeply. Or siblings who no longer laugh together, play together, and eat together.
Here’s why: We live in a busy world.
Where bills need to be paid.
And cars need to be repaired.
And kids need to be fed, vaccinated, and neutered, er, I mean nurtured. (I know of parents who want to administer this little medical procedure to their kids when puberty comes along.)
My point? It’s natural that you drift apart.
You don’t have to be a bad person. You don’t have to be Adolf Hitler or The Joker. You don’t have to be obnoxious, selfish, or evil to cause the disease called Relationship Drift.
Let me give you an analogy.
Two people in a relationship are like two little boats floating on the sea.
Problem: There’s a current that will slowly pull the two boats apart. Before they know it, the two boats are miles away from each other.
Friend, there’s really only one way to fight the drift: Paddle!
If you don’t want to drift, you’ll have to go against the flow and paddle your way to each other. You’ll have to work hard, muscle your way, sweat like crazy and fight to be together.
I believe that the only antidote to Relationship Drift is to bond constantly.
If you don’t, the effects can be disastrous…
When We Don’t Fight Relationship Drift
In a previous article, I already shared these statistics from David Perdew.
David Perdew wrote this about “fatherless kids” in America. According to statistics, children from a fatherless home are:
· Five times more likely to commit suicide
· Thirty-two times more likely to run away
· Twenty times more likely to have behavioral disorders
· Fourteen times more likely to commit rape (this applies to boys)
· Nine times more likely to drop out of high school
· Ten times more likely to abuse chemical substances
· Nine times more likely to end up in a charitable institution
· Twenty times more likely to end up in prison for a long period of time
David Perdew says we either pay now or pay later.
And when you pay later, it always costs more.
My suggestion is to pay now.
Fighting the Relationship Drift is very difficult. But it’s easier paying now than paying later.
Here’s how to do it.
Time Management Isn’t The Answer
Do you want to spend more time with your family?
Time Management is not the solution.
I know a company who charges $759 per person for their Time Management Seminar. Let me save you $759 right now and tell you it doesn’t work.
These guys will teach you how to become experts in multi-tasking.
While you shave, mentally plan for your day.
While you drive, record your things-to-do in an MP3 recorder.
While sitting on the throne of life, make your phone calls.
While talking with your boss, floss your teeth.
I don’t believe in any of that.
Though I must admit, I’m guilty trying all of them.
Except for the flossing. (I don’t have a Boss.)
And believe me, these things don’t give you more time.
Worse, they take away your peace.
Here’s a principle you can take to the bank: Anything that takes away your peace won’t work in the long run.
Instead of Time Management, I teach people Biggies Management.
What Are Your Biggies?
If you really think about it, you can put everything happening in your life into two categories: Biggies and Smallies.
If you manage your Biggies, you manage your life.
It’s the secret to great success.
What are your Biggies?
People who don’t know their Biggies will be ruled by their Smallies. They’ll be lost boats in the sea, being pushed and pulled in various directions.
Your Biggies consists of the 4 most important parts of your life:
1. Your Family
2. Your Health
3. Your Mission
4. Your Spirit
Everything else are Smallies.
If you want to be successful, focus on your Biggies.
When you make your Weekly Schedule, write down the Biggies first.
Each of these Biggies can be broken down. But today, I’d like to share with you the Family Biggies that you need to do. These are the powerful ways to paddle against Relationship Drift.
Are you ready?
Create A List Of Untouchables
My romantic date with my wife is an Untouchable.
I told her that we’d have a romantic date every Tuesday night unless these three things happen:
1) President Obama calls up to consult me on high-level issues such as terrorism, global warming, and nuclear disarmament; or…
2) The Pope calls me to discuss some murky theological question that only I can answer (like “Did Adam have a belly button?”), or…
3) If a comet rams into earth, burning the entire planet’s atmosphere, and human life as we know it ceases to exist.
Aside from those three scenarios, nothing can touch my date with her.
Seriously, there are weeks when I’m travelling and we can’t date. But I see to it that when I fly back home, the first thing I do is spend a day with my wife and two boys.
Frankly, I love my romantic dates with my wife. She’s my emotional home. She relaxes me. (Okay, I confess that one time, I was so relaxed I dozed off when she was still talking.)
My weekly date with my 2 boys is an Untouchable too.
So is my twice-a-month lunch with my mother.
And twice-a month dinners with my extended families.
I also have regular dates with my Friends. (We call them Caring Groups in my spiritual family, Light of Jesus.)
Friend, the only way to paddle against Relationship Drift is to create your list of Untouchables.
But before you invite your kids to a date, let me tell you how not to do it.
How To Have Dates With Your Kids
One day, a teen-age boy approached me and said, “Brother Bo, can you please tell my father to stop having dates with me? I think he got the idea from you.”
I later learned what his father did last week.
First, he invited his son to have a burger. But the moment they sat down in the restaurant, the father said, “Son, I want to talk to you about your poor grades.”
After a mini-sermon on “study well because I work so hard to pay for your studies,” the father jumps to another sensitive topic. “Your music tastes are terrible,” he said to the lad, “It’s loud, noisy, and disgusting. I think you should listen more to classical music.”
The father goes on to other topics, such as the length of his hair, the late night phone calls, and the obscene amount of time he spends playing computer games.
Poor kid. He didn’t know what was coming that day. He didn’t realize he was attending a multi-track conference.
After their meal, the father told him, “Son, I enjoyed our date. Let’s do this weekly!”
His son must have had an epileptic seizure right there. Can you imagine going through this torture for the rest of his teen-age life? That’s when the boy asked me to rescue him from a life of purgatory.
So I called the father and said, “Parental sermons, homilies, lectures, and full-scale multi-track conferences are banned from your dates.”
“Why?” the father asked.
“Because the date isn’t for you,” I said. “It’s for your son. You don’t have to enjoy it as long as he does.” I told him, “Play billiards. Play bowling. Go fishing. Ride bikes together. Anything your boy wants to do.”
Let me explain why this is essential.
When the relationship is close, kids listen. Their hearts are supple and open.
But when there’s already a Relationship Drift between the parents and the kids, their hearts are far apart. So no matter how much the parents shout, their kids don’t hear the message.
So the first goal is to bring your hearts close to each other.
How To Bond As A Family
Another Untouchable you need to create is a Weekly Family night.
The goal is to do something fun together.
Rent a movie and cook popcorn for a family movie night at home.
Or take a Family Walk around the village.
Or play a game together. Monopoly. Pictionary. Patintero.
Or read a book out loud.
Or just order pizza and ask everyone to share around the table.
When you do this each week, you’re creating memories that will last a lifetime. Life is about moments. And believe me, your grown-up kids will never forget these special bonding moments as a family. It will be their anchor. It will be their source of emotional stability. That amidst the sea of change around them, they know there are just some things in life that don’t change.
Like the memories of being together as family.
Here’s one more tip before I end.
Invite Your Kids’ Friends To Hang Out At Home
You’ve got to be the cool Mom and Dad–Even if you’re not.
How? Make your home the preferred hang-out place for your kids’ friends.
I know it’ll cause a little dent on your budget.
Okay, I lied. It will make your life savings disappear.
A group of teens are like a pack of piranha. They will eat anything that looks like food in your kitchen cabinets. And if your kids come home all tired and sweaty from a basketball game, be forewarned. That is a perfect storm. You will become poor overnight. You can buy all the food in your city and it won’t be enough. They’ll just burp and ask for more.
But the rewards are incredible.
First, you’re with your kids more.
Second, you know where your kids are.
Third, you get to know their friends—and counsel the troubled ones. If they lack parenting, you can re-parent them. (I’m sharing you a powerful secret: One of the best ways of influencing your kids is to influence their friends.)
Fourth, because of all racket your guests make, you and your neighbors will not be in speaking terms. So that’s one or two people dropped from your Christmas shopping list. Savings!
Two Choices: Drift Or Paddle
I can hear you now.
“Bo, this is a lot of hard work! Weekly dates with my wife and kids? Feeding a pack of piranhas? And re-parenting the friends of my kids? My gosh!”
I warned you. It’s going to be rough.
But let me repeat what I said at the start: You really only have two choices in life. You either Drift or you Paddle. You either pay now or pay later.
I’ve decided to paddle. I’ve decided to pay now.
Believe me, I’m enjoying the benefits.
My relationships are deeply satisfying.
Friend, it’s your turn.
Start paddling.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez
MY THOUGHTS
I LIKE THE ANALOGY - DRIFTING AND PADDLING. SOMETIMES WE WONDER HOW SOMETHING THAT USED TO BE REALLY GOOD ENDED UP REALLY BAD. AND THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE. WE STOPPED PADDLING. WE JUST DRFITED. AND WE EXPECTED OTHERS TO PADDLE WHILE WE DRIFT. AND THE "OTHERS" THINK THE SAME WAY.
By Bo Sanchez
Warning: There’s a cruel epidemic afflicting our families, our marriages, and our friendships. It’s called the Relationship Drift.
It’s a very devious disease. It’s like some cancers. You really don’t know you have it until it’s fatal. And then it’s too late.
And then Relationship Drift becomes Relationship Dead.
The only solution is to diagnose it early.
But the symptoms of Relationship Drift are almost invisible to the naked eye.
Because you’re not really fighting each other.
There are no screaming matches. In fact, your home is quiet. Like a convent.
And there are no pots and pans flying in the air.
And there are no bloody court cases.
But little by little, your hearts move apart.
Intimacy is gone.
Joy is missing.
In marriage, sex only happens every time Haley’s comet passes planet earth.
You take each other for granted.
One day, you know the disease had run its full course because you wake up one morning not caring for the other person anymore.
Let me give you examples of the Relationship Drift:
The father who doesn’t have heart-to-heart conversations with his kids anymore. Or the wife who doesn’t enjoy her husband’s company anymore. Or a couple who talk to each other functionally, not deeply. Or siblings who no longer laugh together, play together, and eat together.
Here’s why: We live in a busy world.
Where bills need to be paid.
And cars need to be repaired.
And kids need to be fed, vaccinated, and neutered, er, I mean nurtured. (I know of parents who want to administer this little medical procedure to their kids when puberty comes along.)
My point? It’s natural that you drift apart.
You don’t have to be a bad person. You don’t have to be Adolf Hitler or The Joker. You don’t have to be obnoxious, selfish, or evil to cause the disease called Relationship Drift.
Let me give you an analogy.
Two people in a relationship are like two little boats floating on the sea.
Problem: There’s a current that will slowly pull the two boats apart. Before they know it, the two boats are miles away from each other.
Friend, there’s really only one way to fight the drift: Paddle!
If you don’t want to drift, you’ll have to go against the flow and paddle your way to each other. You’ll have to work hard, muscle your way, sweat like crazy and fight to be together.
I believe that the only antidote to Relationship Drift is to bond constantly.
If you don’t, the effects can be disastrous…
When We Don’t Fight Relationship Drift
In a previous article, I already shared these statistics from David Perdew.
David Perdew wrote this about “fatherless kids” in America. According to statistics, children from a fatherless home are:
· Five times more likely to commit suicide
· Thirty-two times more likely to run away
· Twenty times more likely to have behavioral disorders
· Fourteen times more likely to commit rape (this applies to boys)
· Nine times more likely to drop out of high school
· Ten times more likely to abuse chemical substances
· Nine times more likely to end up in a charitable institution
· Twenty times more likely to end up in prison for a long period of time
David Perdew says we either pay now or pay later.
And when you pay later, it always costs more.
My suggestion is to pay now.
Fighting the Relationship Drift is very difficult. But it’s easier paying now than paying later.
Here’s how to do it.
Time Management Isn’t The Answer
Do you want to spend more time with your family?
Time Management is not the solution.
I know a company who charges $759 per person for their Time Management Seminar. Let me save you $759 right now and tell you it doesn’t work.
These guys will teach you how to become experts in multi-tasking.
While you shave, mentally plan for your day.
While you drive, record your things-to-do in an MP3 recorder.
While sitting on the throne of life, make your phone calls.
While talking with your boss, floss your teeth.
I don’t believe in any of that.
Though I must admit, I’m guilty trying all of them.
Except for the flossing. (I don’t have a Boss.)
And believe me, these things don’t give you more time.
Worse, they take away your peace.
Here’s a principle you can take to the bank: Anything that takes away your peace won’t work in the long run.
Instead of Time Management, I teach people Biggies Management.
What Are Your Biggies?
If you really think about it, you can put everything happening in your life into two categories: Biggies and Smallies.
If you manage your Biggies, you manage your life.
It’s the secret to great success.
What are your Biggies?
People who don’t know their Biggies will be ruled by their Smallies. They’ll be lost boats in the sea, being pushed and pulled in various directions.
Your Biggies consists of the 4 most important parts of your life:
1. Your Family
2. Your Health
3. Your Mission
4. Your Spirit
Everything else are Smallies.
If you want to be successful, focus on your Biggies.
When you make your Weekly Schedule, write down the Biggies first.
Each of these Biggies can be broken down. But today, I’d like to share with you the Family Biggies that you need to do. These are the powerful ways to paddle against Relationship Drift.
Are you ready?
Create A List Of Untouchables
My romantic date with my wife is an Untouchable.
I told her that we’d have a romantic date every Tuesday night unless these three things happen:
1) President Obama calls up to consult me on high-level issues such as terrorism, global warming, and nuclear disarmament; or…
2) The Pope calls me to discuss some murky theological question that only I can answer (like “Did Adam have a belly button?”), or…
3) If a comet rams into earth, burning the entire planet’s atmosphere, and human life as we know it ceases to exist.
Aside from those three scenarios, nothing can touch my date with her.
Seriously, there are weeks when I’m travelling and we can’t date. But I see to it that when I fly back home, the first thing I do is spend a day with my wife and two boys.
Frankly, I love my romantic dates with my wife. She’s my emotional home. She relaxes me. (Okay, I confess that one time, I was so relaxed I dozed off when she was still talking.)
My weekly date with my 2 boys is an Untouchable too.
So is my twice-a-month lunch with my mother.
And twice-a month dinners with my extended families.
I also have regular dates with my Friends. (We call them Caring Groups in my spiritual family, Light of Jesus.)
Friend, the only way to paddle against Relationship Drift is to create your list of Untouchables.
But before you invite your kids to a date, let me tell you how not to do it.
How To Have Dates With Your Kids
One day, a teen-age boy approached me and said, “Brother Bo, can you please tell my father to stop having dates with me? I think he got the idea from you.”
I later learned what his father did last week.
First, he invited his son to have a burger. But the moment they sat down in the restaurant, the father said, “Son, I want to talk to you about your poor grades.”
After a mini-sermon on “study well because I work so hard to pay for your studies,” the father jumps to another sensitive topic. “Your music tastes are terrible,” he said to the lad, “It’s loud, noisy, and disgusting. I think you should listen more to classical music.”
The father goes on to other topics, such as the length of his hair, the late night phone calls, and the obscene amount of time he spends playing computer games.
Poor kid. He didn’t know what was coming that day. He didn’t realize he was attending a multi-track conference.
After their meal, the father told him, “Son, I enjoyed our date. Let’s do this weekly!”
His son must have had an epileptic seizure right there. Can you imagine going through this torture for the rest of his teen-age life? That’s when the boy asked me to rescue him from a life of purgatory.
So I called the father and said, “Parental sermons, homilies, lectures, and full-scale multi-track conferences are banned from your dates.”
“Why?” the father asked.
“Because the date isn’t for you,” I said. “It’s for your son. You don’t have to enjoy it as long as he does.” I told him, “Play billiards. Play bowling. Go fishing. Ride bikes together. Anything your boy wants to do.”
Let me explain why this is essential.
When the relationship is close, kids listen. Their hearts are supple and open.
But when there’s already a Relationship Drift between the parents and the kids, their hearts are far apart. So no matter how much the parents shout, their kids don’t hear the message.
So the first goal is to bring your hearts close to each other.
How To Bond As A Family
Another Untouchable you need to create is a Weekly Family night.
The goal is to do something fun together.
Rent a movie and cook popcorn for a family movie night at home.
Or take a Family Walk around the village.
Or play a game together. Monopoly. Pictionary. Patintero.
Or read a book out loud.
Or just order pizza and ask everyone to share around the table.
When you do this each week, you’re creating memories that will last a lifetime. Life is about moments. And believe me, your grown-up kids will never forget these special bonding moments as a family. It will be their anchor. It will be their source of emotional stability. That amidst the sea of change around them, they know there are just some things in life that don’t change.
Like the memories of being together as family.
Here’s one more tip before I end.
Invite Your Kids’ Friends To Hang Out At Home
You’ve got to be the cool Mom and Dad–Even if you’re not.
How? Make your home the preferred hang-out place for your kids’ friends.
I know it’ll cause a little dent on your budget.
Okay, I lied. It will make your life savings disappear.
A group of teens are like a pack of piranha. They will eat anything that looks like food in your kitchen cabinets. And if your kids come home all tired and sweaty from a basketball game, be forewarned. That is a perfect storm. You will become poor overnight. You can buy all the food in your city and it won’t be enough. They’ll just burp and ask for more.
But the rewards are incredible.
First, you’re with your kids more.
Second, you know where your kids are.
Third, you get to know their friends—and counsel the troubled ones. If they lack parenting, you can re-parent them. (I’m sharing you a powerful secret: One of the best ways of influencing your kids is to influence their friends.)
Fourth, because of all racket your guests make, you and your neighbors will not be in speaking terms. So that’s one or two people dropped from your Christmas shopping list. Savings!
Two Choices: Drift Or Paddle
I can hear you now.
“Bo, this is a lot of hard work! Weekly dates with my wife and kids? Feeding a pack of piranhas? And re-parenting the friends of my kids? My gosh!”
I warned you. It’s going to be rough.
But let me repeat what I said at the start: You really only have two choices in life. You either Drift or you Paddle. You either pay now or pay later.
I’ve decided to paddle. I’ve decided to pay now.
Believe me, I’m enjoying the benefits.
My relationships are deeply satisfying.
Friend, it’s your turn.
Start paddling.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez
MY THOUGHTS
I LIKE THE ANALOGY - DRIFTING AND PADDLING. SOMETIMES WE WONDER HOW SOMETHING THAT USED TO BE REALLY GOOD ENDED UP REALLY BAD. AND THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE. WE STOPPED PADDLING. WE JUST DRFITED. AND WE EXPECTED OTHERS TO PADDLE WHILE WE DRIFT. AND THE "OTHERS" THINK THE SAME WAY.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)