What Not to Say to a Depressed Mate
By Linda Wasmer Andrews, Special to Lifescript
Published November 21, 2010Reviewed By Edward C. Geehr, M.D.
You mean well, but it’s easy to say the wrong thing to a loved one with depression. And that may only add to their troubles. Here are the top statements to avoid and what to say instead…
Which piece of advice will most likely cheer up a clinically depressed person?
A. “Pull yourself together.”
B. “Look on the bright side.”
C. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing serious.”
The answer: None of the above. Such statements probably will make a depressed mate or friend feel worse.
That’s because depression – an illness characterized by extreme sadness, changes in sleep patterns, appetite, energy level or mental focus – is a touchy subject and difficult to talk about.
Unlike high blood pressure or other health conditions, “there’s unnecessary stigma attached to depression,” says Richard Shadick, Ph.D., director of the counseling center at Pace University in New York. “Some people still view it as a sign of weakness.”
And that makes for awkward conversations on both sides. But talking about depression easily and openly isn’t impossible. With some forethought, you can find the right words to help ease depression’s pain.
Here are 9 statements to skip, and the right way to start a dialogue.
1. “Snap out of it.”
Depression is a miserable experience; no one would choose to have it, says psychologist Shosana Bennett, Ph.D., author of Pregnant on Prozac and a postpartum depression survivor.
If depressed people “could snap out of it, [they] would’ve done so,” she says.
People with depression can’t will away the illness any more than they could asthma or diabetes. Like those other conditions, depression has a biological basis.
Imaging studies show that the parts of the brain that regulate mood, thinking, sleep and appetite function abnormally in people with depression. Key mood-regulating brain chemicals, such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, are unbalanced as well.
Better to say: “I’ve noticed you haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I’m concerned. Why don’t I set up a doctor’s appointment for you?”
Some people won’t see a doctor for depression but will agree to a visit for specific symptoms – such as insomnia, loss of appetite or constant fatigue, says Julie Totten, president and founder of Families for Depression Awareness.
2. “Just think positive.”
People with depression often perceive themselves and the world in an overly negative light. They're incapable of seeing the bright side of a situation.
“It’s like you’re wearing these foggy, distorted lenses, which filter out all positive input from the environment,” Bennett says.
When she was depressed, she literally saw the world in drab gray shades, she says.
Implying that recovery should be quick and easy may leave them feeling more discouraged than ever.
Better to say: “We’ll get through this.” This lets the depressed person know the world won’t always seem so dark and hopeless. At the same time, the statement acknowledges that recovery is a process.
Plus, “use of the word ‘we’ is very important,” Bennett says. “A [depressed] person feels all alone, so it’s crucial to reinforce the idea that you’re there for them.”
Treatment with psychotherapy and/or antidepressants can help, and with time can regain a brighter perspective.
3. “Relax. It’s no big deal.”
“Truth is, depression really hurts a person’s ability to function,” says Thomas Wise, M.D., psychiatry professor at George Washington University School of Medicine in Washington, D.C.
It can seriously disrupt home, work or school life, and wreck relationships. Left untreated, depression can even lead to suicide.
About 30%-40% of people who die by suicide have major depression, according to the National Mental Health Information Center (NMHIC).
Better to say: “Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself?”
If someone is seriously depressed, don’t be afraid to discuss suicide.
“People often worry that asking this question will plant the idea,” Totten says.
In fact, asking just lets them know you understand the seriousness of their situation, she says. It also helps you determine if there’s imminent danger.
If they answer “yes,” reassure them that such feelings are temporary. Then call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800 -273-TALK or 800-273-8255) to speak with a crisis worker, who’ll help identify your next step.
4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
This statement sounds empathetic, but really isn’t. If you’ve never been clinically depressed, you can’t know what it feels like.
Even if you have, no two people experience this illness the same way.
“Nobody can know how anyone else feels unless they ask and listen carefully to the answer,” says Elizabeth Babcock, LCSW, a psychotherapist in McMurray, Pa.
Better to say: “Do you want to talk?”
But preface your question with a statement that lets the person know you want to understand, Babcock suggests. For example: “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” Or, “I don’t know what it’s like to experience what you’re going through, but I’d really like to understand it better – if you want to tell me.” Or, “I’ve been depressed, too, and I can’t know what your experience is like, but I know mine was really hard.”
After you state your concern, ask questions and really listen to the answers.
5. “Have a drink. You’ll feel better.”
“Alcohol may lessen the immediate pain of depression, but over time, it only makes the hurt worse,” Wise says.
Trying to self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs can also lead to addiction and new problems. Plus, abusing alcohol or other drugs increases the suicide risk by impairing judgment and promoting impulsive behavior.
Better to say: “Want to go for a walk?”
Exercise is a proven mood-lifter, according to a 2005 University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center study. Researchers found it’s as effective as antidepressants in treating mild to moderate depression.
Walking together also helps the person stay physically healthy and socially connected.
Plus, it’s good for you too, which is important. It's easy to overlook your own health when caring for someone else.
Or pick another cardio activity your depressed loved one once enjoyed, even if they can’t get pleasure from it right now. If they’re reluctant, say it’s a favor to you. For example: “I’ve been wanting to try this yoga class. Will you come with me?”
6. “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.”
A judgmental tone makes depressed people feel sadder.
“[They’re] already judging themselves quite harshly,” Babcock says.
If you’re critical, they’re “being abused from within and without,” he says.
Better to say: “This can happen to the best of us.” Rather than fueling misplaced self-blame, send a message that depression isn’t their fault.
This also underscores the fact that it’s a common illness striking women of every age and background. One in four U.S. women will experience serious depression at some point in her life, according to NMHIC.
7. “You have so much to be happy about.”
The criticism here is subtle. “All this statement does is guilt-trip,” Bennett says.
Depression sufferers may know intellectually that they have a good job and great family. Still, they’re unable to feel happy.
“They may end up wondering, ‘Am I just a spoiled brat?’” Bennett says.
Better to say: “You seem really down lately. Is there anything I can do?”
Acknowledging that something’s wrong is often a relief.
“This lets the depressed person know that you can see [the problem] too,” Babcock says. “It’s not something imaginary.”
You’re also reminding them that you’re there to help.
8. “Wait and see how you feel tomorrow.”
That approach might have worked for Scarlett O’Hara. But depression that sticks around for weeks or months isn’t going to suddenly disappear when the sun comes up the next day. The sooner the person seeks treatment, the faster they can start feeling better.
Better to say: “There’s a lot of help out there.”
“Instill hope that there are effective treatments available,” Shadick says.
If this is the first time they've been depressed, offer to set up an appointment with their doctor, which can confirm or rule out medical causes for the symptoms.
Because deeply depressed people may be too demoralized to speak up for themselves, go with them on the first visit or call ahead to let the doctor know your concerns, Totten advises.
You can also suggest seeing a mental health professional if the other person is open to the idea. Search online and ask people you trust for referrals to clinics, psychologists or psychiatrists.
9. “It’s all up to you now.”
Depression is very treatable, but full recovery takes time, commitment and support.
Without helping hands, patients may be more likely to feel discouraged and give up when challenges arise, as they inevitably do.
Better to say: “Can I watch the kids while you go to your appointment?”
Or offer to help however you can.
Suggesting specific ways you can make things easier helps depression sufferers pinpoint what they need. And when it's your idea, they may also feel it’s less of an imposition to lean on you.
Once you see improvement, point that out too.
“Be specific about how you see them returning to their old selves,” Bennett says. “That way, they have hard evidence that they're coming back.”
For example, you might say: “It’s nice to hear you singing in the shower again.” Or you've noticed he's eating better or flashing his beautiful smile.
Your words have tremendous power to help a loved one find help and stick with treatment. At every stage, one of the best things you can say is, “I’m on your side.”
Linda Wasmer Andrews is a freelance writer who specializes in health and psychology. She’s co-author of If Your Adolescent Has Depression or Bipolar Disorder: An Essential Resource for Parents (Oxford University Press).
Could You Be Depressed?
Depression affects 20 million people in any given year and is a serious enough disorder to compromise one's ability to function normally day to day. Find out if you're just blue or if you might be clinically depressed.
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MY THOUGHTS
what's scary is that you do not even know your mate is depressed. and when you do then it gets scarier coz you don't know what to do or say. this article is a long read. but better take a few minutes and learn from it.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
What's your inner traffic light when it comesto relationships?
The Traffic Light
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published November 05, 2010
Traffic lights serve a very important role: They help us safely maneuver through traffic in order to avoid accidents and potential injuries involving other people around us. As I sat at a red light the other day, I realized that we all have a traffic light in our minds too.
We all have an internal traffic light, but we don’t always pay attention to it. When it comes to dealing with people in your life, how well is your internal traffic light working? When it comes to choosing friends and lovers, do you typically approach these personal life intersections with caution and occasionally yield or stop? Or do you ignore the caution and stop signs that appear in your mind and only see a green light when it comes to allowing people into your life? If you want to improve the overall flow of your life and have more fulfilling relationships, I suggest that you pay attention to that internal traffic light. This way you can avoid those crash-and-burn relationships. Remember, it’s no accident that some people tend to have healthier relationships more than others!
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
now i have something toreally think about? is my internal traffic light green, yellow or red? i know for sure that as i got older i used the red traffic light on some people. i wanted quality friendsand not so-called friends. and i'm all "green" with the handful that i've kept. and yes for new people i meet, yellow it is. until the green light comes on again.
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published November 05, 2010
Traffic lights serve a very important role: They help us safely maneuver through traffic in order to avoid accidents and potential injuries involving other people around us. As I sat at a red light the other day, I realized that we all have a traffic light in our minds too.
We all have an internal traffic light, but we don’t always pay attention to it. When it comes to dealing with people in your life, how well is your internal traffic light working? When it comes to choosing friends and lovers, do you typically approach these personal life intersections with caution and occasionally yield or stop? Or do you ignore the caution and stop signs that appear in your mind and only see a green light when it comes to allowing people into your life? If you want to improve the overall flow of your life and have more fulfilling relationships, I suggest that you pay attention to that internal traffic light. This way you can avoid those crash-and-burn relationships. Remember, it’s no accident that some people tend to have healthier relationships more than others!
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
now i have something toreally think about? is my internal traffic light green, yellow or red? i know for sure that as i got older i used the red traffic light on some people. i wanted quality friendsand not so-called friends. and i'm all "green" with the handful that i've kept. and yes for new people i meet, yellow it is. until the green light comes on again.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
8 Mistakes Men Make with Womenin Relationships
8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009
What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…
Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.
Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.
The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.
Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.
Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)
“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”
Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?
Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.
Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.
Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.
“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”
And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.
The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”
Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?
When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.
“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”
How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.
So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?
The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.
Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.
Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.
When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)
This extends even to bedroom activities.
This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.
Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.
The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?
And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.
“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”
Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.
They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.
“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.
The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.
The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”
The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.
Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.
Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?
As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.
When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.
But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.
We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.
The Fix: He has to speak up.
“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.
Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.
Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.
“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”
But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.
“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.
The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.
“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.
Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.
For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.
“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”
So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?
The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.
Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.
Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.
“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”
That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.
The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.
But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.
MY THOUGHTS
“The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.” - this is my favorite. i really don't need to explain why.
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009
What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…
Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.
Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.
The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.
Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.
Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)
“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”
Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?
Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.
Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.
Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.
“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”
And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.
The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”
Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?
When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.
“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”
How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.
So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?
The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.
Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.
Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.
When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)
This extends even to bedroom activities.
This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.
Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.
The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?
And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.
“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”
Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.
They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.
“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.
The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.
The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”
The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.
Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.
Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?
As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.
When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.
But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.
We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.
The Fix: He has to speak up.
“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.
Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.
Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.
“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”
But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.
“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.
The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.
“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.
Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.
For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.
“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”
So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?
The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.
Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.
Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.
“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”
That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.
The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.
But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.
MY THOUGHTS
“The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.” - this is my favorite. i really don't need to explain why.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
How To Move On When A Relationship Ends
10 Steps To Moving On
How To Move On When A Relationship Ends
By Isabella Gladd
Published February 13, 2008
Breaking up is hard to do, but moving on is an absolute must. Seeing through a veil of emotional pain and hurt can be difficult while the mind is foggy, but looking back won't help matters. If you feel stuck in your present situation, you may need a gentle nudge to push you forward. If the support of family and friends does not provide enough motivation, it is time to take matters into your own hands. Moving on from a bad relationship can be rocky, but these tips will help you stay strong during the process.
1. You Did Not Fail
After the end of a relationship you may feel you are to blame, but beating yourself up over past mistakes will only make you feel worse. The relationship failed; you did not. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding that you would a friend. While the little voice inside your head continually chides you, drown it out by admitting that you are not at fault and you did not fail.
2. Believe In Moving On
While you may still feel sad about the end of the relationship, believe you are moving on, whether this is true or not. Each time a thought of your ex-boyfriend enters your mind, whisk it away and tell yourself, “I’m moving on.”
If you should run into your ex, forget about trying to make him jealous by flirting in his presence or flaunting a new prospect. Instead say hello, smile and show him that you are moving on with your life. Eventually you will believe it and know that you have done just that.
3. Get Busy
You may find you have more time on your hands than before. Instead of using your time for dwelling on the past or indulging in useless fantasies, get busy with new projects and creative endeavors. Paint the kitchen, revamp your bedroom or make it your mission to reorganize your home.
Other ideas include volunteering for nonprofit organizations, reading to individuals in retirement homes and mentoring a child or teenager. Offer your expertise to a candidate running for election that supports the same issues as you do. Get busy and make yourself feel good at the same time.
4. Pamper Yourself
If you feel unworthy, spend time pampering yourself to rebuild confidence. You can do this by taking a warm bubble bath, leafing through magazines to find new hairstyles, planning a day at the spa with your friends, or setting up an appointment for a manicure, pedicure and facial. Start a new exercise regimen to get into the greatest shape of your life. Walk, run, dance, or do whatever activity suits you, but do it at least five days a week. Not only will you become physically healthier, but your mood will improve, too.
If you are not much of a social individual, spend time finding a new book, renting a great movie or learning a new hobby. Have you always wanted to take up photography, painting, or web design? Now is the time to give it a go and delve into something new.
5. Talk, Talk, Talk
Call up your sister or your best friend and let it out.Scream, rage, cry, and talk until there is nothing left to say. Make sure the support person knows that you intend to let it all out and that you may cuss and cry. Choose your best listening friend, someone who is willing to sit and listen without needing to add her two-cents worth, unless you wish it.
6. Walk Out the Door
You may feel like staying in bed with covers pulled up to your chin for the next three weeks, but getting out will improve your mood faster. Go out with friends, even when you do not feel like partying. A quiet dinner and a movie with people who care about you is bound to make you feel good. Walk out the door for a weekend getaway, go to the library, go to a museum, or go to a concert. Either way... just go!
7. Permission To Feel Sad
You are allowed to be sad, so take the time to mourn the end of the relationship, and shed your tears. Contemplate the time the two of you spent together. Consider what worked in the relationship and what did not. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and hurt, but set a time limit and then move on when the time has expired.
8. You Will Love Again
In the midst of your woeful state, you may feel hopeless about finding love again, but nothing could be further from the truth. If you are open to loving and being loved, it will indeed come your way. Give yourself plenty of time to heal the wounds, but eventually you will want to move on and meet the possibility of love with someone new.
9. Get Unstuck
After the end of a long-term relationship you may feel as though you can’t move on. You may think about him constantly, wonder what he’s doing and who he’s with, and spend more time weeping than sleeping. If you feel stuck to the point of not being able to function or move forward, get unstuck with the help of a professional. Seek a relationship therapist or counselor who can offer an objective view into the problem. Just remember, you never have to go it alone.
10. Moving-On Don’ts
The urge to get even after a bitter break-up must never get the best of you. Refrain from adding misery to your life by using thoughtless moving-on tactics to get over him.
*Do not call your ex on the phone just to hear his voice and then hang up. More than likely he has caller ID and will know it is you. Do you really want to seem that desperate? Of course not, so take the high road.
*Do not bad mouth your past love or spread untruths about him to anyone who will listen. Dwelling on him after the relationship ends hurts you more than spreading rumors hurts him.
*Do not head for the nearest mall for an all-day shopping spree.
When you are in a state of sadness and feeling down, unchecked spending is more likely to occur. Wait until life appears rosier before shopping for new clothes.
*Do not send that long, passionate, five-page letter you wrote, begging him to come back or give the relationship another try. It’s ok to write it if it helps you get your feelings out, but burn or tear it into a million pieces afterward.
*Do not indulge in pounds of chocolate candy or gallons of your favorite ice cream flavors to drown your sorrows. Gaining weight during your new-found independence will only make you feel worse. If you really must have a favorite food, ask a friend to join you at an ice cream shop for a one-time treat.
Once you try these tips, you'll see that moving on isn't so hard after all. Though it will be challenging at times, just remember that time heals all wounds. Eventually the pain you feel today will lessen, and at some point, go away completely. Knowing how to move on keeps you pushing forward to a better place. And besides, the best revenge you can reap upon an ex is to live a full and happy life without him.
Are You Over Your Ex?
It's been months since you and your ex parted ways, and you've been navigating the road to recovery ever since. Has that road been surprisingly smooth or unbearably bumpy? Find out if you're really ready to move on to new adventures in love and life or if you're still hung up on your ex with this quiz.
MY THOUGHTS
very very sensible.i like the "permission to be sad". i don't think moving on is possible if you don't let yourself go through the pain. and NEVER NEVER go shopping after a break-up. nonono.
How To Move On When A Relationship Ends
By Isabella Gladd
Published February 13, 2008
Breaking up is hard to do, but moving on is an absolute must. Seeing through a veil of emotional pain and hurt can be difficult while the mind is foggy, but looking back won't help matters. If you feel stuck in your present situation, you may need a gentle nudge to push you forward. If the support of family and friends does not provide enough motivation, it is time to take matters into your own hands. Moving on from a bad relationship can be rocky, but these tips will help you stay strong during the process.
1. You Did Not Fail
After the end of a relationship you may feel you are to blame, but beating yourself up over past mistakes will only make you feel worse. The relationship failed; you did not. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding that you would a friend. While the little voice inside your head continually chides you, drown it out by admitting that you are not at fault and you did not fail.
2. Believe In Moving On
While you may still feel sad about the end of the relationship, believe you are moving on, whether this is true or not. Each time a thought of your ex-boyfriend enters your mind, whisk it away and tell yourself, “I’m moving on.”
If you should run into your ex, forget about trying to make him jealous by flirting in his presence or flaunting a new prospect. Instead say hello, smile and show him that you are moving on with your life. Eventually you will believe it and know that you have done just that.
3. Get Busy
You may find you have more time on your hands than before. Instead of using your time for dwelling on the past or indulging in useless fantasies, get busy with new projects and creative endeavors. Paint the kitchen, revamp your bedroom or make it your mission to reorganize your home.
Other ideas include volunteering for nonprofit organizations, reading to individuals in retirement homes and mentoring a child or teenager. Offer your expertise to a candidate running for election that supports the same issues as you do. Get busy and make yourself feel good at the same time.
4. Pamper Yourself
If you feel unworthy, spend time pampering yourself to rebuild confidence. You can do this by taking a warm bubble bath, leafing through magazines to find new hairstyles, planning a day at the spa with your friends, or setting up an appointment for a manicure, pedicure and facial. Start a new exercise regimen to get into the greatest shape of your life. Walk, run, dance, or do whatever activity suits you, but do it at least five days a week. Not only will you become physically healthier, but your mood will improve, too.
If you are not much of a social individual, spend time finding a new book, renting a great movie or learning a new hobby. Have you always wanted to take up photography, painting, or web design? Now is the time to give it a go and delve into something new.
5. Talk, Talk, Talk
Call up your sister or your best friend and let it out.Scream, rage, cry, and talk until there is nothing left to say. Make sure the support person knows that you intend to let it all out and that you may cuss and cry. Choose your best listening friend, someone who is willing to sit and listen without needing to add her two-cents worth, unless you wish it.
6. Walk Out the Door
You may feel like staying in bed with covers pulled up to your chin for the next three weeks, but getting out will improve your mood faster. Go out with friends, even when you do not feel like partying. A quiet dinner and a movie with people who care about you is bound to make you feel good. Walk out the door for a weekend getaway, go to the library, go to a museum, or go to a concert. Either way... just go!
7. Permission To Feel Sad
You are allowed to be sad, so take the time to mourn the end of the relationship, and shed your tears. Contemplate the time the two of you spent together. Consider what worked in the relationship and what did not. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and hurt, but set a time limit and then move on when the time has expired.
8. You Will Love Again
In the midst of your woeful state, you may feel hopeless about finding love again, but nothing could be further from the truth. If you are open to loving and being loved, it will indeed come your way. Give yourself plenty of time to heal the wounds, but eventually you will want to move on and meet the possibility of love with someone new.
9. Get Unstuck
After the end of a long-term relationship you may feel as though you can’t move on. You may think about him constantly, wonder what he’s doing and who he’s with, and spend more time weeping than sleeping. If you feel stuck to the point of not being able to function or move forward, get unstuck with the help of a professional. Seek a relationship therapist or counselor who can offer an objective view into the problem. Just remember, you never have to go it alone.
10. Moving-On Don’ts
The urge to get even after a bitter break-up must never get the best of you. Refrain from adding misery to your life by using thoughtless moving-on tactics to get over him.
*Do not call your ex on the phone just to hear his voice and then hang up. More than likely he has caller ID and will know it is you. Do you really want to seem that desperate? Of course not, so take the high road.
*Do not bad mouth your past love or spread untruths about him to anyone who will listen. Dwelling on him after the relationship ends hurts you more than spreading rumors hurts him.
*Do not head for the nearest mall for an all-day shopping spree.
When you are in a state of sadness and feeling down, unchecked spending is more likely to occur. Wait until life appears rosier before shopping for new clothes.
*Do not send that long, passionate, five-page letter you wrote, begging him to come back or give the relationship another try. It’s ok to write it if it helps you get your feelings out, but burn or tear it into a million pieces afterward.
*Do not indulge in pounds of chocolate candy or gallons of your favorite ice cream flavors to drown your sorrows. Gaining weight during your new-found independence will only make you feel worse. If you really must have a favorite food, ask a friend to join you at an ice cream shop for a one-time treat.
Once you try these tips, you'll see that moving on isn't so hard after all. Though it will be challenging at times, just remember that time heals all wounds. Eventually the pain you feel today will lessen, and at some point, go away completely. Knowing how to move on keeps you pushing forward to a better place. And besides, the best revenge you can reap upon an ex is to live a full and happy life without him.
Are You Over Your Ex?
It's been months since you and your ex parted ways, and you've been navigating the road to recovery ever since. Has that road been surprisingly smooth or unbearably bumpy? Find out if you're really ready to move on to new adventures in love and life or if you're still hung up on your ex with this quiz.
MY THOUGHTS
very very sensible.i like the "permission to be sad". i don't think moving on is possible if you don't let yourself go through the pain. and NEVER NEVER go shopping after a break-up. nonono.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
7 Guy Types to Avoid
7 Guy Types to Avoid
By Norine Dworkin-McDaniel, Special to Lifescript
Published May 20, 2010
At first glance, he seems like Mr. Absolutely Right. He sweeps you off your cynical feet with nice dinners, roses, thoughtful gestures. The sex is incredible. Before you fall hook, line and sinker, stop! He could be one of these 7 dating disasters...
Some men are master anglers. Once you’re hooked, you’ll invest your love, soul, money and, possibly, valuable childbearing years before realizing – too late – they don’t do happily ever after. In the end, they’ll break your heart, shatter your ego and frustrate the heck out of you.
Though these bad boys may be hard to spot, they send out subtle clues that they’re relationship kryptonite. Read on for the 7 types… and how to spot them before they reel you in.
1. Mr. Perennial Bachelor
This guy’s well-mannered, smart, attractive, witty, successful, and his kisses melt you like ice cream in July. You can’t believe that some woman hasn’t walked him down the aisle long ago.
Even if you approach him with caution, his charm and persistence probably will win you over. Then, just when you start considering whether to take his name or hyphenate, he’ll peel out of the relationship faster than a NASCAR driver, leaving skid marks on your heart.
How he’ll lure you in: Ask about his perpetual bachelorhood, and he’ll tell you he just hasn’t found Mrs. Right yet. The unspoken suggestion? You could be her. But dating Mr. Perennial Bachelor is a fool’s journey because there is no right woman – and never will be.
“Women always think, ‘I’ll be the one,’” says Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser. “But if no one has been right, you probably won’t be either.”
Spot him before you’re hooked: He doesn’t introduce you to his friends or family, which means he’s in no hurry to fully integrate you into his life.
But the biggest giveaway is that his last significant relationship was back in college and every relationship since has lasted only a few months at most. Around the time you’re expecting your relationship to shift into serious, he’s putting it in reverse.
“If a man hasn’t gotten married by the time he’s 50, he’s probably not going to,” says relationship coach Joyce Morley-Ball, aka Dr. Joyce.
2. Mr. Marry-Go-Round
Unlike Mr. Perennial Bachelor, this guy’s all about getting married. Unfortunately, he treats marriage like a luxury car lease – and you can be sure that in a few years he’ll be ready to trade you in for a newer model.
“The relationship is over when the romance is gone,” says Mark Rogers, Ph.D., an Irving, Texas, relationship coach who works with Dr. Phil.
Mr. Marry-Go-Round hasn’t figured out that all passion cools naturally, and when his does, he’ll blame you.
“He’ll say, ‘You weren’t the right one because when I find the right one, I’ll stay in this infatuated euphoria forever,’” Rogers says.
How he’ll lure you in: He’s a virtuoso romancer, so dating him is like being on a permanent honeymoon. Plus, the fact that he’s been married before suggests that he’s not afraid of commitment.
If you’ve been dating men who can’t even whisper the “M” word, someone who’s practically sprinting down the aisle and introducing you as the future Mrs. So-and-So is certainly seductive.
Spot him before you’re hooked: Find out exactly how many times he’s been married. If he’ll soon outpace Liz Taylor – and his brides are getting younger – that should stop you or at least make you pause.
“If he’s been married two, three or four times, there’s a good chance that he could be married two or three or four more times,” Kaiser says.
Another indicator: If you suggest slowing things down, he gets impatient because you’re getting in the way of his next acquisition – you.
“This is someone who’s used to getting what he wants,” Kaiser says. “You become the thing he wants.”
If you decide to take the plunge, at least make sure get a fair pre-nup.
3. Mr. No-Money Bags
He has champagne tastes on a beer budget and a walk-in closet full of financial skeletons. But that doesn’t bother him because he also has a preternatural ability to get into women’s wallets as well as their beds. He’s counting on you to keep him in the style to which he hopes to become accustomed.
“He looks for the financially well-off woman so he can mooch off her,” says relationship expert Celeste Simmons, co-author of You Know She’s a Princess When… (Third Dimension Press).
How he’ll lure you in: He’ll play on your natural affinity for nurturing and caretaking.
It’s like stumbling onto a beautiful, crumbling Victorian house: You see past the sagging floors and peeling paint and envision how magnificent it could be. You figure a little “investment” will pay off big for both of you. Besides, what’s a little money when he’s the man of your dreams?
Spot him before you’re hooked: Whenever it’s time to pay, his wallet is conveniently AWOL – it’s in his other pants, he left it at home, he’s short on cash until he gets paid. Initially, it might seem reasonable to float him a little extra.
But eventually his handout requests get larger and larger until one day, you may find yourself buying him a car, co-signing on a loan or making a down payment on a house.
He’ll try to persuade you that “it’s for us,” but as Simmons points out, you’ll be the one on the financial hook.
When things go south, not only will he break your heart, he’ll also put you deep in debt and tank your credit rating.
4. Mr. Mama’s Boy
He’s sweet, affectionate and understanding. Unfortunately, he’s still hung up on another woman – his mother. Not exactly the threesome you might have had in mind.
Mom still influences his professional decisions, his investment portfolio, where he lives, who he votes for. Project into the future and you can count on her influencing everything – from where you buy a home to how you raise your children.
And if you push him to choose sides, guess who loses? Yep, that would be you.
How he’ll lure you in: Any man who loves his mother will know how to treat a woman, right?
“If you’ve been involved with guys who've been great in romancing you, but haven't had an emotional connection and then you meet someone who cares about how women feel, that can be really attractive,” Rogers says.
Spot him before you’re hooked: He compares you to his mother – and you come up short every time. The real test may come around Valentine’s Day: If you’re alone with a box of chocolates because he’s taken Mom out for a candlelit dinner, cut him loose.
“At the most intimate level of his heart, he still loves Mom as much or more than you,” Rogers says.
5. Mr. Peter Pan
Though he’s in his 30s or 40s, at heart Mr. Peter Pan is still a frat boy. Life’s a nonstop, movable kegger and he’s the affable host. He’s on a first-name basis with all the bartenders in town, thinks 401k refers to computer stuff and is always ready for a trip to Las Vegas.
But if you run into hard times – say, you’re in a serious car accident or you lose your job – he’ll be way, way out of his depth. Difficult situations aren’t in his repertoire, and when the going gets tough, you’ll be going it alone.
How he’ll lure you in: His spontaneity and sense of adventure bring out the kid in you. He’s the one who convinces you to go parasailing in Cancun or ditch work for an afternoon at the ballpark.
Spot him before you’re hooked: He’s managed to dodge major responsibilities. By now, his buddies are entrenched with mortgages, marriages, even babies, but he’s still footloose.
When it comes to dating, “let’s keep things light” is this guy’s mantra. Peter Pans eventually do grow up – into perennial bachelors.
6. Mr. Egomaniac
He’s brilliant, accomplished and has an unflagging belief in his own infallibility.
“You never see him waffling or agonizing about a decision,” Rogers says. “He’s extremely decisive because the world revolves around him.”
On the rare occasion when he’s not 100% right, he won’t take it well if you point it out. He may want an accomplished woman, but not one so successful that you eclipse his glory.
He may even undercut your success. He might embarrass you at an office party or run you down in front of colleagues in the guise of “being funny.” When you complain, he’ll accuse you of being too sensitive.
How he’ll lure you in: His confidence is irresistible.
“He’s got that Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, macho inner strength that’s really appealing,” Rogers says.
Spot him before you’re hooked: He never tires of talking about himself or the things he’s interested in. There’s no give and take, just his lecturing.
“He doesn’t care what you have to say,” Rogers says. “He may listen, but only long enough to prepare for his next persuasive statement.”
Another giveaway: He surrounds himself with sycophants, but has few real friends.
“If you’re not a good listener or you only want to talk about yourself, the only people who are going to be around you are submissive people,” says dating expert Stephany Alexander, founder of WomanSavers.com, a Web site dedicated to outing cheating or unethical guys.
7. Mr. Control Freak
Going out with this man is like dating a boa constrictor. At first, his embrace may seem warm and secure. But before long, you’ll be suffocating.
It’ll start with going to the restaurants he chooses, seeing the movies he picks, hanging out with his friends.
But eventually he tries to dictate everything, from what you wear to how you spend your free time.
“He’s trying to get you to be who you’re not,” psychotherapist Kaiser explains. “One day you wake up, and you’re like, ‘Where did I go? I don’t even know what I like to eat anymore!’”
How he’ll lure you in: All this attention is certainly flattering. After all, he must really love you if he’s so concerned about you, takes such care of you and wants to be with you all the time, right?
Spot him before you’re hooked: He insists on orchestrating all your dates and tells you how to dress or act around his friends.
Even if you’ve only been on a few dates, he phones frequently and has memorized your schedule.
He’s suspicious of any relationship you have with any other guy.
He expects you to agree with him, and if you don’t, he tries to persuade you you’re wrong.
Run – don’t walk – away.
“With a control freak, you have to give up more and more of your separate experiences, separate activities, separate friends,” Rogers says. “And then it goes deeper to separate thoughts and feelings until you're emotionally micromanaged. And that’ll kill you.”
Norine Dworkin-McDaniel is a frequent contributor to Lifescript.
MY THOUGTHS
i can't think. i've probably met all of them - one way or the other. if you're my friend, you'll know my fave.
By Norine Dworkin-McDaniel, Special to Lifescript
Published May 20, 2010
At first glance, he seems like Mr. Absolutely Right. He sweeps you off your cynical feet with nice dinners, roses, thoughtful gestures. The sex is incredible. Before you fall hook, line and sinker, stop! He could be one of these 7 dating disasters...
Some men are master anglers. Once you’re hooked, you’ll invest your love, soul, money and, possibly, valuable childbearing years before realizing – too late – they don’t do happily ever after. In the end, they’ll break your heart, shatter your ego and frustrate the heck out of you.
Though these bad boys may be hard to spot, they send out subtle clues that they’re relationship kryptonite. Read on for the 7 types… and how to spot them before they reel you in.
1. Mr. Perennial Bachelor
This guy’s well-mannered, smart, attractive, witty, successful, and his kisses melt you like ice cream in July. You can’t believe that some woman hasn’t walked him down the aisle long ago.
Even if you approach him with caution, his charm and persistence probably will win you over. Then, just when you start considering whether to take his name or hyphenate, he’ll peel out of the relationship faster than a NASCAR driver, leaving skid marks on your heart.
How he’ll lure you in: Ask about his perpetual bachelorhood, and he’ll tell you he just hasn’t found Mrs. Right yet. The unspoken suggestion? You could be her. But dating Mr. Perennial Bachelor is a fool’s journey because there is no right woman – and never will be.
“Women always think, ‘I’ll be the one,’” says Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser. “But if no one has been right, you probably won’t be either.”
Spot him before you’re hooked: He doesn’t introduce you to his friends or family, which means he’s in no hurry to fully integrate you into his life.
But the biggest giveaway is that his last significant relationship was back in college and every relationship since has lasted only a few months at most. Around the time you’re expecting your relationship to shift into serious, he’s putting it in reverse.
“If a man hasn’t gotten married by the time he’s 50, he’s probably not going to,” says relationship coach Joyce Morley-Ball, aka Dr. Joyce.
2. Mr. Marry-Go-Round
Unlike Mr. Perennial Bachelor, this guy’s all about getting married. Unfortunately, he treats marriage like a luxury car lease – and you can be sure that in a few years he’ll be ready to trade you in for a newer model.
“The relationship is over when the romance is gone,” says Mark Rogers, Ph.D., an Irving, Texas, relationship coach who works with Dr. Phil.
Mr. Marry-Go-Round hasn’t figured out that all passion cools naturally, and when his does, he’ll blame you.
“He’ll say, ‘You weren’t the right one because when I find the right one, I’ll stay in this infatuated euphoria forever,’” Rogers says.
How he’ll lure you in: He’s a virtuoso romancer, so dating him is like being on a permanent honeymoon. Plus, the fact that he’s been married before suggests that he’s not afraid of commitment.
If you’ve been dating men who can’t even whisper the “M” word, someone who’s practically sprinting down the aisle and introducing you as the future Mrs. So-and-So is certainly seductive.
Spot him before you’re hooked: Find out exactly how many times he’s been married. If he’ll soon outpace Liz Taylor – and his brides are getting younger – that should stop you or at least make you pause.
“If he’s been married two, three or four times, there’s a good chance that he could be married two or three or four more times,” Kaiser says.
Another indicator: If you suggest slowing things down, he gets impatient because you’re getting in the way of his next acquisition – you.
“This is someone who’s used to getting what he wants,” Kaiser says. “You become the thing he wants.”
If you decide to take the plunge, at least make sure get a fair pre-nup.
3. Mr. No-Money Bags
He has champagne tastes on a beer budget and a walk-in closet full of financial skeletons. But that doesn’t bother him because he also has a preternatural ability to get into women’s wallets as well as their beds. He’s counting on you to keep him in the style to which he hopes to become accustomed.
“He looks for the financially well-off woman so he can mooch off her,” says relationship expert Celeste Simmons, co-author of You Know She’s a Princess When… (Third Dimension Press).
How he’ll lure you in: He’ll play on your natural affinity for nurturing and caretaking.
It’s like stumbling onto a beautiful, crumbling Victorian house: You see past the sagging floors and peeling paint and envision how magnificent it could be. You figure a little “investment” will pay off big for both of you. Besides, what’s a little money when he’s the man of your dreams?
Spot him before you’re hooked: Whenever it’s time to pay, his wallet is conveniently AWOL – it’s in his other pants, he left it at home, he’s short on cash until he gets paid. Initially, it might seem reasonable to float him a little extra.
But eventually his handout requests get larger and larger until one day, you may find yourself buying him a car, co-signing on a loan or making a down payment on a house.
He’ll try to persuade you that “it’s for us,” but as Simmons points out, you’ll be the one on the financial hook.
When things go south, not only will he break your heart, he’ll also put you deep in debt and tank your credit rating.
4. Mr. Mama’s Boy
He’s sweet, affectionate and understanding. Unfortunately, he’s still hung up on another woman – his mother. Not exactly the threesome you might have had in mind.
Mom still influences his professional decisions, his investment portfolio, where he lives, who he votes for. Project into the future and you can count on her influencing everything – from where you buy a home to how you raise your children.
And if you push him to choose sides, guess who loses? Yep, that would be you.
How he’ll lure you in: Any man who loves his mother will know how to treat a woman, right?
“If you’ve been involved with guys who've been great in romancing you, but haven't had an emotional connection and then you meet someone who cares about how women feel, that can be really attractive,” Rogers says.
Spot him before you’re hooked: He compares you to his mother – and you come up short every time. The real test may come around Valentine’s Day: If you’re alone with a box of chocolates because he’s taken Mom out for a candlelit dinner, cut him loose.
“At the most intimate level of his heart, he still loves Mom as much or more than you,” Rogers says.
5. Mr. Peter Pan
Though he’s in his 30s or 40s, at heart Mr. Peter Pan is still a frat boy. Life’s a nonstop, movable kegger and he’s the affable host. He’s on a first-name basis with all the bartenders in town, thinks 401k refers to computer stuff and is always ready for a trip to Las Vegas.
But if you run into hard times – say, you’re in a serious car accident or you lose your job – he’ll be way, way out of his depth. Difficult situations aren’t in his repertoire, and when the going gets tough, you’ll be going it alone.
How he’ll lure you in: His spontaneity and sense of adventure bring out the kid in you. He’s the one who convinces you to go parasailing in Cancun or ditch work for an afternoon at the ballpark.
Spot him before you’re hooked: He’s managed to dodge major responsibilities. By now, his buddies are entrenched with mortgages, marriages, even babies, but he’s still footloose.
When it comes to dating, “let’s keep things light” is this guy’s mantra. Peter Pans eventually do grow up – into perennial bachelors.
6. Mr. Egomaniac
He’s brilliant, accomplished and has an unflagging belief in his own infallibility.
“You never see him waffling or agonizing about a decision,” Rogers says. “He’s extremely decisive because the world revolves around him.”
On the rare occasion when he’s not 100% right, he won’t take it well if you point it out. He may want an accomplished woman, but not one so successful that you eclipse his glory.
He may even undercut your success. He might embarrass you at an office party or run you down in front of colleagues in the guise of “being funny.” When you complain, he’ll accuse you of being too sensitive.
How he’ll lure you in: His confidence is irresistible.
“He’s got that Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, macho inner strength that’s really appealing,” Rogers says.
Spot him before you’re hooked: He never tires of talking about himself or the things he’s interested in. There’s no give and take, just his lecturing.
“He doesn’t care what you have to say,” Rogers says. “He may listen, but only long enough to prepare for his next persuasive statement.”
Another giveaway: He surrounds himself with sycophants, but has few real friends.
“If you’re not a good listener or you only want to talk about yourself, the only people who are going to be around you are submissive people,” says dating expert Stephany Alexander, founder of WomanSavers.com, a Web site dedicated to outing cheating or unethical guys.
7. Mr. Control Freak
Going out with this man is like dating a boa constrictor. At first, his embrace may seem warm and secure. But before long, you’ll be suffocating.
It’ll start with going to the restaurants he chooses, seeing the movies he picks, hanging out with his friends.
But eventually he tries to dictate everything, from what you wear to how you spend your free time.
“He’s trying to get you to be who you’re not,” psychotherapist Kaiser explains. “One day you wake up, and you’re like, ‘Where did I go? I don’t even know what I like to eat anymore!’”
How he’ll lure you in: All this attention is certainly flattering. After all, he must really love you if he’s so concerned about you, takes such care of you and wants to be with you all the time, right?
Spot him before you’re hooked: He insists on orchestrating all your dates and tells you how to dress or act around his friends.
Even if you’ve only been on a few dates, he phones frequently and has memorized your schedule.
He’s suspicious of any relationship you have with any other guy.
He expects you to agree with him, and if you don’t, he tries to persuade you you’re wrong.
Run – don’t walk – away.
“With a control freak, you have to give up more and more of your separate experiences, separate activities, separate friends,” Rogers says. “And then it goes deeper to separate thoughts and feelings until you're emotionally micromanaged. And that’ll kill you.”
Norine Dworkin-McDaniel is a frequent contributor to Lifescript.
MY THOUGTHS
i can't think. i've probably met all of them - one way or the other. if you're my friend, you'll know my fave.
Friday, June 18, 2010
best and worst wedding gifts
Best & Worst Wedding Gifts
by Kathy Kristo
Ask Marla Dickerson about her favorite wedding gift and she’s likely to wax fantastic about some hand-blown glass Christmas ornaments that make her think about the giver every year – even now some 18 years after her wedding. Michelle Barlow Weech, married 19 years ago, mentions a book of family recipes that she’s still using. And Susan Rempel, wed in 2003, says the best gift she got was a photo album of candid shots that a friend took at the reception.
On the surface, you’d imagine that buying the perfect gift for a wedding would be a snap. After all, the bride and groom have gone through the trouble of registering to tell you what they want and where you can get it.
But talk to couples a few years after the nuptials, and they’re likely to say that the best gifts they got didn’t come from the registry. They were sentimental favorites that remind the recipient of the gift-giver year-after-year.
Horror Stories
A few words of caution, though — because these same couples likely have a few horror stories about off-registry gifts too. There was the long and badly rhymed poem that someone framed for Julie Makinen; she lovingly stored it in the closet. Then there’s that set of brothel-red bath towels that I got; I wound up using them for years ... to wash the car. Even expensive gifts can be wasted on the wrong couple — like the professional meat slicer that I might have absolutely loved, were I a butcher. (It spent several years in the garage before we had the temerity to give it away.)
If you want to buy something that the couple hasn’t asked for, it’s pivotal to know the couple really well, says Nancy Mattia, senior features editor at Brides Magazine. A close friend is likely to buy something truly thoughtful –and the recipient is far more likely to find the gift sentimental.
“The better you know the couple, the easier it is to deviate from the registry because you may have an idea of what they like or want,” said Mattia.
Go Practical
It also might help to be married yourself and understand the sort of things a young couple might need.
Leslie Branton Hoffecker said she wouldn’t have known to register for a vacuum cleaner, for example. When she got married in the 1970s, wedding registries were just for things like china and silver. But her parent’s friends looked at the fresh-out-of-college couple and decided that they might need something more practical – an Electrolux.
“It lasted forever and I thought fondly of those close friends of my parents who gave it to us every time I used it,” she said.
When Julie Griffen Childs married her college sweetheart, their sorority and fraternity friends knew the couple was far too active to enjoy hosting dinner parties. So rather than buying place settings, the friends all chipped in to buy the couple a matching pair of beach-cruiser bicycles.
Henry Shapiro, an avid cook, says he loved getting the poultry shears that he didn’t think to ask for. And I got a tool that helps you twist stubborn lids off jars from a childhood friend who knows I hate asking for help. It never would have occurred to me to ask for one, but 23 years later, I still use it every week.
Be Personal, But Tasteful
Dickerson said the Christmas ornaments came from a childhood friend of her husband’s, who was already married and may have realized that “the specialness of tea towels and a blender can wear off pretty quickly.” With the ornaments, Dickerson says she feels like she’s getting a gift each year when unwraps the delicate glass candy canes and Santas to put them on the tree.
Heirlooms can also be sentimental favorites. Barlow Weech, for example, says the cookbook lets her share grandma’s recipes with her kids, passing on family history. (For the same reason, she also cherishes the family silver and an old photo album that she received as well.)
But again: If you’re winging it, make sure you know the couple getting married so well that the perfect gift isn’t a matter of guesswork. Give yourself the wedding litmus test: Have you known the bride or groom longer than their mate? Have you shared a bunk bed, dorm room, or regular drinks and dinner? Is one of them your godchild, best childhood friend or such a close friend of your child that you know their deepest, darkest secrets? If the answer is yes, you’re free to shop away.
If you have to ask a third party what they think the bride and groom might want, however, make that third party a shop clerk — who can read the items off the registry.
“Sometimes a guest will think they’ve come up with this great creative idea. But, if the couple doesn’t like it, they could be left with hundreds of dollars of credit at some obscure store,” said Sharon Stimpfle, deputy site director for WeddingChannel.com. “By following the registry, you can make sure that you get them something that they really want.”
MY THOUGHTS
the gifts we give tell a lot about us - and how much we care for the other person. i've given a lot of impersonal gifts - off-the-rack, no-thought-gift- gifts that you give because we are expected to (thta's what we think). and then i think of all those gifts that i had to look for, for people that i really love and care for. it got so much pleasure thinking of the options, spending time hunting. and finally, the look on the recepient's face. i guess, the issue is to be sincere about the gift - then we will find the time to think and to hunt - even if there's not much money to buy, anyway. i don;t know about others - but for me, the most special gifts i got are the ones that was thought of especially for me - not a "for the sake of " gift.
by Kathy Kristo
Ask Marla Dickerson about her favorite wedding gift and she’s likely to wax fantastic about some hand-blown glass Christmas ornaments that make her think about the giver every year – even now some 18 years after her wedding. Michelle Barlow Weech, married 19 years ago, mentions a book of family recipes that she’s still using. And Susan Rempel, wed in 2003, says the best gift she got was a photo album of candid shots that a friend took at the reception.
On the surface, you’d imagine that buying the perfect gift for a wedding would be a snap. After all, the bride and groom have gone through the trouble of registering to tell you what they want and where you can get it.
But talk to couples a few years after the nuptials, and they’re likely to say that the best gifts they got didn’t come from the registry. They were sentimental favorites that remind the recipient of the gift-giver year-after-year.
Horror Stories
A few words of caution, though — because these same couples likely have a few horror stories about off-registry gifts too. There was the long and badly rhymed poem that someone framed for Julie Makinen; she lovingly stored it in the closet. Then there’s that set of brothel-red bath towels that I got; I wound up using them for years ... to wash the car. Even expensive gifts can be wasted on the wrong couple — like the professional meat slicer that I might have absolutely loved, were I a butcher. (It spent several years in the garage before we had the temerity to give it away.)
If you want to buy something that the couple hasn’t asked for, it’s pivotal to know the couple really well, says Nancy Mattia, senior features editor at Brides Magazine. A close friend is likely to buy something truly thoughtful –and the recipient is far more likely to find the gift sentimental.
“The better you know the couple, the easier it is to deviate from the registry because you may have an idea of what they like or want,” said Mattia.
Go Practical
It also might help to be married yourself and understand the sort of things a young couple might need.
Leslie Branton Hoffecker said she wouldn’t have known to register for a vacuum cleaner, for example. When she got married in the 1970s, wedding registries were just for things like china and silver. But her parent’s friends looked at the fresh-out-of-college couple and decided that they might need something more practical – an Electrolux.
“It lasted forever and I thought fondly of those close friends of my parents who gave it to us every time I used it,” she said.
When Julie Griffen Childs married her college sweetheart, their sorority and fraternity friends knew the couple was far too active to enjoy hosting dinner parties. So rather than buying place settings, the friends all chipped in to buy the couple a matching pair of beach-cruiser bicycles.
Henry Shapiro, an avid cook, says he loved getting the poultry shears that he didn’t think to ask for. And I got a tool that helps you twist stubborn lids off jars from a childhood friend who knows I hate asking for help. It never would have occurred to me to ask for one, but 23 years later, I still use it every week.
Be Personal, But Tasteful
Dickerson said the Christmas ornaments came from a childhood friend of her husband’s, who was already married and may have realized that “the specialness of tea towels and a blender can wear off pretty quickly.” With the ornaments, Dickerson says she feels like she’s getting a gift each year when unwraps the delicate glass candy canes and Santas to put them on the tree.
Heirlooms can also be sentimental favorites. Barlow Weech, for example, says the cookbook lets her share grandma’s recipes with her kids, passing on family history. (For the same reason, she also cherishes the family silver and an old photo album that she received as well.)
But again: If you’re winging it, make sure you know the couple getting married so well that the perfect gift isn’t a matter of guesswork. Give yourself the wedding litmus test: Have you known the bride or groom longer than their mate? Have you shared a bunk bed, dorm room, or regular drinks and dinner? Is one of them your godchild, best childhood friend or such a close friend of your child that you know their deepest, darkest secrets? If the answer is yes, you’re free to shop away.
If you have to ask a third party what they think the bride and groom might want, however, make that third party a shop clerk — who can read the items off the registry.
“Sometimes a guest will think they’ve come up with this great creative idea. But, if the couple doesn’t like it, they could be left with hundreds of dollars of credit at some obscure store,” said Sharon Stimpfle, deputy site director for WeddingChannel.com. “By following the registry, you can make sure that you get them something that they really want.”
MY THOUGHTS
the gifts we give tell a lot about us - and how much we care for the other person. i've given a lot of impersonal gifts - off-the-rack, no-thought-gift- gifts that you give because we are expected to (thta's what we think). and then i think of all those gifts that i had to look for, for people that i really love and care for. it got so much pleasure thinking of the options, spending time hunting. and finally, the look on the recepient's face. i guess, the issue is to be sincere about the gift - then we will find the time to think and to hunt - even if there's not much money to buy, anyway. i don;t know about others - but for me, the most special gifts i got are the ones that was thought of especially for me - not a "for the sake of " gift.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
more than just a shoulder to cry on
More Than A Shoulder to Cry On: The Surprising Benefits of Friendship
By Lauren Dzubow
O, The Oprah Magazine | March 31, 2010
Women are hardwired to crave close friendships, and these bonds can provide us with unique benefits. Here, a few things researchers have recently uncovered about the power of friendships.
The friendship effect: Mountains become molehills
How it works: In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers asked participants to stand at the base of a steep hill and estimate how tough it would be to climb. Those standing with a friend gauged the ascent to be less steep compared with those who were alone.
What's more... The longer the study participants had known their friends, the more gentle they estimated the incline to be.
The friendship effect: Disease becomes less deadly
How it works: Harvard research has shown that breast cancer patients with no friendship network are four times more likely to die from the disease than those with ten or more close friends.
What's more... Studies have also shown that social support can lower blood pressure, protect against dementia, and reduce the risk of depression.
The friendship effect: Stress feels more manageable
How it works: When women are stressed, their brains release the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which encourages them to bond. (Male brains, on the other hand, are more subject to the effects of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline, which promote the fight-or-flight response.)
What's more... "The female response is much more effective in mitigating stress and may be one reason women tend to outlive men," says Terri Apter, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Cambridge.
MY THOUGHTS
For me, the friendship effect: life is a blessing. Mountains do become molehills because you have friends to climb with. When you're sick and friends wish you well, you do feel better. And stress is just stress when you have friends to talk the stress away. We went through a lot the past year - my friends and myself - but we all got through all right not only because we have a shoulder to cry on but because we have friends to laugh with and to pray with. i cannot imagine m life without my friends - even our shoulders get soaked sometimes with all the crying.
By Lauren Dzubow
O, The Oprah Magazine | March 31, 2010
Women are hardwired to crave close friendships, and these bonds can provide us with unique benefits. Here, a few things researchers have recently uncovered about the power of friendships.
The friendship effect: Mountains become molehills
How it works: In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers asked participants to stand at the base of a steep hill and estimate how tough it would be to climb. Those standing with a friend gauged the ascent to be less steep compared with those who were alone.
What's more... The longer the study participants had known their friends, the more gentle they estimated the incline to be.
The friendship effect: Disease becomes less deadly
How it works: Harvard research has shown that breast cancer patients with no friendship network are four times more likely to die from the disease than those with ten or more close friends.
What's more... Studies have also shown that social support can lower blood pressure, protect against dementia, and reduce the risk of depression.
The friendship effect: Stress feels more manageable
How it works: When women are stressed, their brains release the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which encourages them to bond. (Male brains, on the other hand, are more subject to the effects of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline, which promote the fight-or-flight response.)
What's more... "The female response is much more effective in mitigating stress and may be one reason women tend to outlive men," says Terri Apter, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Cambridge.
MY THOUGHTS
For me, the friendship effect: life is a blessing. Mountains do become molehills because you have friends to climb with. When you're sick and friends wish you well, you do feel better. And stress is just stress when you have friends to talk the stress away. We went through a lot the past year - my friends and myself - but we all got through all right not only because we have a shoulder to cry on but because we have friends to laugh with and to pray with. i cannot imagine m life without my friends - even our shoulders get soaked sometimes with all the crying.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
5 Friends Every Woman Should Have
5 Friends Every Woman Should Have
By Michelle Burford
O, The Oprah Magazine | May 15, 2005
"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the "family" I've gathered—with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things—among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.
1. The Uplifter
This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?
2. The Travel Buddy
When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).
3. The Truth Teller
Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.
4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun
One Saturday a pal and I—and yes, we're both over age 12—pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.
5. The Unlikely Friend
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends—some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian—have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.
MY THOUGHTS
I am incredibly lucky. My mom once said i have a few but they are all true. I praise God that he has blessed my life with friends who embody the 5 characteristics mentioned above. some of them in fact, have several of these traits, if not all. No wonder i can survive just about anyting. To my friends who are closest to my heart - you know who you are - thank you. My prayer is that i can be all of these to you too.
By Michelle Burford
O, The Oprah Magazine | May 15, 2005
"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the "family" I've gathered—with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things—among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.
1. The Uplifter
This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?
2. The Travel Buddy
When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).
3. The Truth Teller
Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.
4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun
One Saturday a pal and I—and yes, we're both over age 12—pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.
5. The Unlikely Friend
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends—some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian—have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.
MY THOUGHTS
I am incredibly lucky. My mom once said i have a few but they are all true. I praise God that he has blessed my life with friends who embody the 5 characteristics mentioned above. some of them in fact, have several of these traits, if not all. No wonder i can survive just about anyting. To my friends who are closest to my heart - you know who you are - thank you. My prayer is that i can be all of these to you too.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
what would love do?
What Would Love Do?
By Mike Robbins
Original
When answering life's difficult questions, it's important to call on love! Get three new strategies to keep in mind when you're making tough choices and feeling powerless.
Recently, I was reminded of the powerful idea of asking the question, "What would love do?" when making decisions or facing
challenges in life. When I think about my own life and some of the places where I find myself struggling, stressed out, worried or stuck right now, I can see that instead of asking what love would do, I'm often asking other less inspiring questions to myself like, "What should I do?" "What's the right thing to do?" "What's wrong with me (or them)?" or various other versions of these types of questions. Can you relate?
What if we did actually ask ourselves, "What would love do?" in all of the important areas of our lives, especially the most challenging ones? I bet that would dramatically alter not only how we relate to those people and circumstances, but also would alter what we did and said and ultimately how we felt.
We have the opportunity to pause and reflect on ourselves, our lives and where we are. Letting love lead the way, especially right now, is something that will benefit most of us and can allow us to listen to a deeper aspect of who we really are.
Everything I write about, speak about and teach is really all about love. I sometimes find myself a little shy, embarrassed or self-conscious to come right out and say it—somehow fearing that love seems too soft, too personal, too intimate or too mysterious. However, being authentic and being appreciative , and just about anything else we aspire to in life, are all about love—of ourselves, of others and of life itself. Love, I believe, is the most powerful force in the universe—yet so many of us, myself included, almost apologize for talking about it, thinking about it and wanting to have it play a lead role in our lives.
As we interact with (or avoid) our families, in-laws, friends and even strangers on the street or in stores or restaurants over these next few days and weeks, ask yourself, "What would love do?" As we sit back and reflect on this past year and begin to plan, dream and prepare for the year ahead, what would love do? As we relate to ourselves in the midst of all of this, what would love do?
3 things to think about when you're making a decision
As Karen Drucker says in her beautiful song "What Would Love Do," "Love has all the answers. Love makes no demands. Love will lead me to the truth and help me to understand…that life is all about love."
Here are a few things to think about, as this relates to some of the areas and aspects of life where you may be challenged at the moment:
Pick a challenging or difficult aspect of your life right now. What's going on and how do you feel about this situation or relationship? More specifically, what kinds of questions are you asking yourself about this? The quality of the answers we receive in life is directly related to the quality of the questions we ask.
Ask yourself, "What would love do?" This may be an easy or difficult question for you to ask yourself about this specific situation or relationship. Allow yourself to hang out in this powerful inquiry and see what shows up. You may have lots of ideas or insights, or not. However, asking yourself this empowering question will almost surely give you deeper awareness and insight for what you could do if you allowed love to lead the way. Take bold and loving action, based on your answer to this question. Allow yourself to ponder and consider this question
long enough that you really feel it in your bones. The paradox here is that it's not so much about what you do; it's more about where it comes from. If it truly comes from a deep place of love within you, you'll know it, feel it and it will be the right thing to do. Trust yourself and your heart—and then be willing to take the risk and put yourself out there.
These days, so many of us are ripe with opportunities to practice asking ourselves the bold question, "What would love do?"
If we're courageous enough to ask, to truly listen to the answers we receive and to act on them from a place of real love, compassion and truth, we will have the opportunity to transform our lives and relationships in a real and profound way.
Let's do it…with love!
Mike Robbins is a best-selling author, sought-after motivational keynote speaker and personal growth expert who works with
people and groups of all kinds. Robbins is the author of the best-selling books Focus on the Good Stuff and Be Yourself:
Everyone Else Is Already Taken . He and his work have been featured on ABC News , in Forbes , Ladies Home Journal , Self
and many others.
MY THOUGHTS:
what would love do - now that will certainly change the way i look at things and the way i respond.this is not going to be easy especially when one is expected to respond immediately. to ask that question every time you need to respond or make a
decision would entail always stopping for awhile to think before acting. and this would be double hard for people like me who shoot from the hips - until the question becomes a part of me. i will need a miracle here.
By Mike Robbins
Original
When answering life's difficult questions, it's important to call on love! Get three new strategies to keep in mind when you're making tough choices and feeling powerless.
Recently, I was reminded of the powerful idea of asking the question, "What would love do?" when making decisions or facing
challenges in life. When I think about my own life and some of the places where I find myself struggling, stressed out, worried or stuck right now, I can see that instead of asking what love would do, I'm often asking other less inspiring questions to myself like, "What should I do?" "What's the right thing to do?" "What's wrong with me (or them)?" or various other versions of these types of questions. Can you relate?
What if we did actually ask ourselves, "What would love do?" in all of the important areas of our lives, especially the most challenging ones? I bet that would dramatically alter not only how we relate to those people and circumstances, but also would alter what we did and said and ultimately how we felt.
We have the opportunity to pause and reflect on ourselves, our lives and where we are. Letting love lead the way, especially right now, is something that will benefit most of us and can allow us to listen to a deeper aspect of who we really are.
Everything I write about, speak about and teach is really all about love. I sometimes find myself a little shy, embarrassed or self-conscious to come right out and say it—somehow fearing that love seems too soft, too personal, too intimate or too mysterious. However, being authentic and being appreciative , and just about anything else we aspire to in life, are all about love—of ourselves, of others and of life itself. Love, I believe, is the most powerful force in the universe—yet so many of us, myself included, almost apologize for talking about it, thinking about it and wanting to have it play a lead role in our lives.
As we interact with (or avoid) our families, in-laws, friends and even strangers on the street or in stores or restaurants over these next few days and weeks, ask yourself, "What would love do?" As we sit back and reflect on this past year and begin to plan, dream and prepare for the year ahead, what would love do? As we relate to ourselves in the midst of all of this, what would love do?
3 things to think about when you're making a decision
As Karen Drucker says in her beautiful song "What Would Love Do," "Love has all the answers. Love makes no demands. Love will lead me to the truth and help me to understand…that life is all about love."
Here are a few things to think about, as this relates to some of the areas and aspects of life where you may be challenged at the moment:
Pick a challenging or difficult aspect of your life right now. What's going on and how do you feel about this situation or relationship? More specifically, what kinds of questions are you asking yourself about this? The quality of the answers we receive in life is directly related to the quality of the questions we ask.
Ask yourself, "What would love do?" This may be an easy or difficult question for you to ask yourself about this specific situation or relationship. Allow yourself to hang out in this powerful inquiry and see what shows up. You may have lots of ideas or insights, or not. However, asking yourself this empowering question will almost surely give you deeper awareness and insight for what you could do if you allowed love to lead the way. Take bold and loving action, based on your answer to this question. Allow yourself to ponder and consider this question
long enough that you really feel it in your bones. The paradox here is that it's not so much about what you do; it's more about where it comes from. If it truly comes from a deep place of love within you, you'll know it, feel it and it will be the right thing to do. Trust yourself and your heart—and then be willing to take the risk and put yourself out there.
These days, so many of us are ripe with opportunities to practice asking ourselves the bold question, "What would love do?"
If we're courageous enough to ask, to truly listen to the answers we receive and to act on them from a place of real love, compassion and truth, we will have the opportunity to transform our lives and relationships in a real and profound way.
Let's do it…with love!
Mike Robbins is a best-selling author, sought-after motivational keynote speaker and personal growth expert who works with
people and groups of all kinds. Robbins is the author of the best-selling books Focus on the Good Stuff and Be Yourself:
Everyone Else Is Already Taken . He and his work have been featured on ABC News , in Forbes , Ladies Home Journal , Self
and many others.
MY THOUGHTS:
what would love do - now that will certainly change the way i look at things and the way i respond.this is not going to be easy especially when one is expected to respond immediately. to ask that question every time you need to respond or make a
decision would entail always stopping for awhile to think before acting. and this would be double hard for people like me who shoot from the hips - until the question becomes a part of me. i will need a miracle here.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
What's in the Stars for Valentine's Day
What's in the Stars for Valentine's Day?
by Dabney Oliver February 05, 2010 12:46 PM EST
Whether you are hitched, recently ditched, playing the field or in love -- Valentine’s Day can be special or a big old bust. Don’t give into the temptations to overhype the holiday, and take care of yourself and a loved one by sign.
Aries
Aries like activity. Work up a sweat on Valentine’s Day this year. If you are partnered, then you can think of some fun ways to get sweaty together. And if you're single, then lace up your Nikes and join the local running club to meet someone new this February 14.
Taurus
Help your man -- come right out and tell him what you want this Valentine’s Day. Taurus women love gifts so much that the pressure can be unbearable for men on this holiday. Try to set realistic expectations for the opposite sex and don’t just drop hints -- come out and ask for what you want. Single? Treat yourself well this February 14. Buy yourself the prettiest flowers you can find and head off to the spa for the day.
Gemini
Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year -- perfect to plan a day trip for you and a loved one. Get out of your environment and have a mini adventure together. Check out a diner or some unexpected little hideaway. Unattached Twins, treat yourself to a new book or pack up your laptop and head out to the local coffee shop. Park your pretty self on a couch and see who you meet.
Cancer
For Cancers, the way to the heart is through the stomach. That's right -- it might be cliche but a good, old-fashioned, home-cooked meal always says "love". Light candles, break out the negligee and feel the romance. In between sweeties? No matter -- cook yourself your favorite meal and rent a sappy '80s flick.
Leo
Leos are all about romance. They can’t live without it. This doesn't mean that romance for the Lion comes in a traditional box of chocolates or a home delivery of flowers. Leos want a gesture that speaks to how truly special they are. Help your loved one know what you need to make you feel appreciated. Single Leos, sign up for an art class or go out and take some tango lessons on February 14.
Virgo
Valentine’s Day this year falls on a Sunday. This is great news for Virgos; they should be treated to a luxurious breakfast in bed by a loved one. For the Virgin, it's not about the splashy gift or the usual trappings -- it's about doing nice things for one another to express love. For that matter -- all unattached Virgos will find giving to others on February 14 a fulfilling gesture of love.
Libra
You are the sweetest of Valentines in the zodiac -- you're built for this day. You know how to make those around you feel loved. Remember, if you have an expectation to receive in kind, you may need to communicate your needs ahead of time. Not everyone understands how to demonstrate the essence of this day like a Libra. Single Libras, gather up all your other single friends and have a fabulous dinner party.
Scorpio
Let’s be blunt here: Scorpios know how to be sexy. Out of any day of the year, this is the one to break out that lacy black thing (even if you have yet to figure out exactly how it goes on). Be sure to express your lusty desires to a loved one February 14. Not coupled? No worries. This is a great day to set intentions, collage and get specific about what you want to be doing and with whom you want to be a year from now.
Sagittarius
On this day, express your adventurous nature by cooking an international feast for your lover. Think sensual foods and sensual cultures. Italian maybe, or Spanish. Do it up. As a Sagittarius, you'll be having so much fun dancing around your tapas with a rose in your teeth that you'll be irresistible to your loved one. If you are celebrating your freedom and independence this February 14, plan a weekend getaway.
Capricorn
Normally you can be a bit of a workaholic. On Valentine’s Day, don’t let work get in the way of expressing how you really feel about your loved one. If you think it might be too difficult to pull your mind away from the office, set expectations with your honey. Capricorns love getting flowers delivered to them at work the Friday before February 14. It's a way of infusing a little love into an environment that could use it. If you are not feeling the day on Sunday, focus on “working” on yourself and set some goals for where you would like to be a year from now.
Aquarius
This Valentine’s Day, do what feels uniquely right for you. Skip the Hallmark sentiment and go for creating a new tradition that speaks to your heart. Your loved one will appreciate how you've infused your own personality into the date. Not coupled? Of any sign in the zodiac, you are the one to care least about this holiday, believing that it was created for commercial purposes. Celebrate your freedom from the schmaltz this February 14!
Pisces
You big sap! You love Valentine’s Day. That’s okay -- so do lots of others. Ask your loved one to plan something special. If your loved one is not so good at that, well, you may need to pull your head out of your dreamy haze for a couple hours to plan an indoor picnic or run down to the local video store and rent a romantic movie to set your imagination on fire. If you find yourself solo this February 14, make sure to call friends and have an alternative plan. Pisces need to be around love this day no matter if it's family, friends or lovers.
MY THOUGHTS
NOT MUCH TO SAY. I'M AN ARIAN. AND I DID SWEAT A LIITLE. BUT NOT IN A GYM. I WENT SHOPPING FOR SHOES IN LILIW! WAT A VALENTINE!
by Dabney Oliver February 05, 2010 12:46 PM EST
Whether you are hitched, recently ditched, playing the field or in love -- Valentine’s Day can be special or a big old bust. Don’t give into the temptations to overhype the holiday, and take care of yourself and a loved one by sign.
Aries
Aries like activity. Work up a sweat on Valentine’s Day this year. If you are partnered, then you can think of some fun ways to get sweaty together. And if you're single, then lace up your Nikes and join the local running club to meet someone new this February 14.
Taurus
Help your man -- come right out and tell him what you want this Valentine’s Day. Taurus women love gifts so much that the pressure can be unbearable for men on this holiday. Try to set realistic expectations for the opposite sex and don’t just drop hints -- come out and ask for what you want. Single? Treat yourself well this February 14. Buy yourself the prettiest flowers you can find and head off to the spa for the day.
Gemini
Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year -- perfect to plan a day trip for you and a loved one. Get out of your environment and have a mini adventure together. Check out a diner or some unexpected little hideaway. Unattached Twins, treat yourself to a new book or pack up your laptop and head out to the local coffee shop. Park your pretty self on a couch and see who you meet.
Cancer
For Cancers, the way to the heart is through the stomach. That's right -- it might be cliche but a good, old-fashioned, home-cooked meal always says "love". Light candles, break out the negligee and feel the romance. In between sweeties? No matter -- cook yourself your favorite meal and rent a sappy '80s flick.
Leo
Leos are all about romance. They can’t live without it. This doesn't mean that romance for the Lion comes in a traditional box of chocolates or a home delivery of flowers. Leos want a gesture that speaks to how truly special they are. Help your loved one know what you need to make you feel appreciated. Single Leos, sign up for an art class or go out and take some tango lessons on February 14.
Virgo
Valentine’s Day this year falls on a Sunday. This is great news for Virgos; they should be treated to a luxurious breakfast in bed by a loved one. For the Virgin, it's not about the splashy gift or the usual trappings -- it's about doing nice things for one another to express love. For that matter -- all unattached Virgos will find giving to others on February 14 a fulfilling gesture of love.
Libra
You are the sweetest of Valentines in the zodiac -- you're built for this day. You know how to make those around you feel loved. Remember, if you have an expectation to receive in kind, you may need to communicate your needs ahead of time. Not everyone understands how to demonstrate the essence of this day like a Libra. Single Libras, gather up all your other single friends and have a fabulous dinner party.
Scorpio
Let’s be blunt here: Scorpios know how to be sexy. Out of any day of the year, this is the one to break out that lacy black thing (even if you have yet to figure out exactly how it goes on). Be sure to express your lusty desires to a loved one February 14. Not coupled? No worries. This is a great day to set intentions, collage and get specific about what you want to be doing and with whom you want to be a year from now.
Sagittarius
On this day, express your adventurous nature by cooking an international feast for your lover. Think sensual foods and sensual cultures. Italian maybe, or Spanish. Do it up. As a Sagittarius, you'll be having so much fun dancing around your tapas with a rose in your teeth that you'll be irresistible to your loved one. If you are celebrating your freedom and independence this February 14, plan a weekend getaway.
Capricorn
Normally you can be a bit of a workaholic. On Valentine’s Day, don’t let work get in the way of expressing how you really feel about your loved one. If you think it might be too difficult to pull your mind away from the office, set expectations with your honey. Capricorns love getting flowers delivered to them at work the Friday before February 14. It's a way of infusing a little love into an environment that could use it. If you are not feeling the day on Sunday, focus on “working” on yourself and set some goals for where you would like to be a year from now.
Aquarius
This Valentine’s Day, do what feels uniquely right for you. Skip the Hallmark sentiment and go for creating a new tradition that speaks to your heart. Your loved one will appreciate how you've infused your own personality into the date. Not coupled? Of any sign in the zodiac, you are the one to care least about this holiday, believing that it was created for commercial purposes. Celebrate your freedom from the schmaltz this February 14!
Pisces
You big sap! You love Valentine’s Day. That’s okay -- so do lots of others. Ask your loved one to plan something special. If your loved one is not so good at that, well, you may need to pull your head out of your dreamy haze for a couple hours to plan an indoor picnic or run down to the local video store and rent a romantic movie to set your imagination on fire. If you find yourself solo this February 14, make sure to call friends and have an alternative plan. Pisces need to be around love this day no matter if it's family, friends or lovers.
MY THOUGHTS
NOT MUCH TO SAY. I'M AN ARIAN. AND I DID SWEAT A LIITLE. BUT NOT IN A GYM. I WENT SHOPPING FOR SHOES IN LILIW! WAT A VALENTINE!
Making Love Last
Make Romance Last
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | November 18, 2009
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months toâ??at bestâ??three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romanceâ??with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.
Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.
Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.
Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.
What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!
There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.
And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.
MY THOUGHTS
SO, THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE LOVE LAST. BUT WE NEED TO WORK ON IT. IT'S NOT AUTOMATIC AND IT'S NOT YOUR PARTNER'S RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S YOURS! IF YOUR PARTNER IS NOT DOING HIS/HER SHARE, LET GOD HANDLE THAT FOR YOU. LOVE CAN LAST. I KNOW....
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | November 18, 2009
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months toâ??at bestâ??three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romanceâ??with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.
Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.
Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.
Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.
What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!
There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.
And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.
MY THOUGHTS
SO, THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE LOVE LAST. BUT WE NEED TO WORK ON IT. IT'S NOT AUTOMATIC AND IT'S NOT YOUR PARTNER'S RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S YOURS! IF YOUR PARTNER IS NOT DOING HIS/HER SHARE, LET GOD HANDLE THAT FOR YOU. LOVE CAN LAST. I KNOW....
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