Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT
from: Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
www.lifescript.com
What makes a nice guy run? Sometimes it’s the blunders we make trying to be oh-so-perfect: texting incessantly, mothering him, oversharing. In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship experts offer their top dating tips…
You’re head-over-heels for your new guy: He’s smart, funny, handsome and totally into you. That is, until the day he stops calling.
Everything seemed perfect – so what happened?
Often, what we see as romantic bonding 101 – exchanging “I love you’s” on the first date, spending lazy Sundays in our PJs, swapping sexual histories – backfires in real life.
Aiming for perfection “brings so much tension and expectation to the relationship,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist. And, she explains, that can sour a new romance before it even really starts.
Here are the 10 most common dating mistakes and how to avoid them:
Mistake #1: Forcing a commitment
If you’re just getting to know someone, pushing for exclusive status – requesting his apartment key, saying “I love you,” or naming your future children – may elicit a hasty retreat.
It’s probably the No. 1 relationship-killer, says Linnda Durré, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Orlando, Fla. “It’s such a turn-off [for men], they will run to the nearest exit.”
And social networking has made it even easier to apply commitment pressure.
For example, rushing to change your status to “in a relationship” on Facebook, posting photos of the two of you, or chatting about your “cool new boyfriend,” can cause a real relationship problem, Lieberman says.
Though subtle, this type of pressure still sends a powerful message that you’re on a different wavelength from your partner.
Dating tip: Waiting before committing your devotion actually benefits women, research shows.
A study published in the January 2009 Journal of Theoretical Biology suggests that longer courtships offer women a better chance of picking a good mate, such as one who will help take care of the children.
MY THOUGHTS
this is too much. getting commitment on the first date? changing your fb relationship status after a single date? i don't know. i just can't imagine a girl or a woman making this kind of mistake. not in this country,anyway.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
TRUE LOVE?
True Love
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 01, 2006
The Internet has brought many great advantages to our lives. However, It has also created a few problems as well. Take this E-mail that I received recently for example. A woman wrote, “I have sort of a problem. Yesterday morning I accidentally opened my boyfriend's browser instead of mine, and saw that he had been visiting all of these girlie sites. This really hurts my feelings. I looked at these girls. They are all blonde and like 110 pounds. I am brunette and waaaay overweight. I confronted him and he feels bad. Can you help?”
I think it’s very understandable that one would feel upset and hurt over this. But I did caution her not to blow this too far out of proportion. Now having said that, I must admit that since I had very limited knowledge about her and her boyfriend I can’t say for sure that she was blowing this out of proportion. This is something only she can know, but the point I want to make here is this. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other people that you think are slimmer and prettier, you are creating a life of dissatisfaction and misery.
The picture of one woman can never compare to the substance of another. As a professional who has worked with countless couples and as a man who has experienced deep love, I can attest to the fact that true love is never about the how one looks. Sure initial attraction is definitely about looks, but true love is all about substance. How one looks is a powerful magnet for attracting people to you but keeping them there requires a great deal more. Embrace your individuality and stop comparing yourself to idealistic and fantasy images of beauty! That’s your wellness message for today.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
wow! if someone i know had this experience and asked me whatshe should do, i wouldn't know what to say. if this happened to me i would probably blow it out of proportion. isn't that a form of cheating?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 01, 2006
The Internet has brought many great advantages to our lives. However, It has also created a few problems as well. Take this E-mail that I received recently for example. A woman wrote, “I have sort of a problem. Yesterday morning I accidentally opened my boyfriend's browser instead of mine, and saw that he had been visiting all of these girlie sites. This really hurts my feelings. I looked at these girls. They are all blonde and like 110 pounds. I am brunette and waaaay overweight. I confronted him and he feels bad. Can you help?”
I think it’s very understandable that one would feel upset and hurt over this. But I did caution her not to blow this too far out of proportion. Now having said that, I must admit that since I had very limited knowledge about her and her boyfriend I can’t say for sure that she was blowing this out of proportion. This is something only she can know, but the point I want to make here is this. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other people that you think are slimmer and prettier, you are creating a life of dissatisfaction and misery.
The picture of one woman can never compare to the substance of another. As a professional who has worked with countless couples and as a man who has experienced deep love, I can attest to the fact that true love is never about the how one looks. Sure initial attraction is definitely about looks, but true love is all about substance. How one looks is a powerful magnet for attracting people to you but keeping them there requires a great deal more. Embrace your individuality and stop comparing yourself to idealistic and fantasy images of beauty! That’s your wellness message for today.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
wow! if someone i know had this experience and asked me whatshe should do, i wouldn't know what to say. if this happened to me i would probably blow it out of proportion. isn't that a form of cheating?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
HOW TO MAKE ROMANCE LAST
How to Make Romance Last
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The truth about what keeps marriages together
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to—at best—three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
MY THOUGHTS
that's what i have - "positive illusions" and yes, "love blindness". i refuse to let go of my romantic side. i will probably take that to my grave. and i don't mind.
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The truth about what keeps marriages together
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to—at best—three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
MY THOUGHTS
that's what i have - "positive illusions" and yes, "love blindness". i refuse to let go of my romantic side. i will probably take that to my grave. and i don't mind.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
PARALYSIS CAUSED BY "hickey"
Woman partially paralyzed after “love bite”
by Neharika Sabharwal - January 22, 2011
http://www.themedguru.com/20110122/newsfeature/woman-partially-paralyzed-after-love-bite-86143425.html
Who would have thought that kissing, biting, or sucking by an amorous partner around the neck would turn out to be dangerous.
In a rather bizarre incident, a 44-year-old Maori woman was rushed to the emergency department of Middlemore Hospital in Auckland with partial paralysis after receiving a “love bite” on her neck by an ardent lover.
A few days after the moment of passion, the woman experienced numbness in her left arm while she was watching television.
Stroke caused by love-bite
It was quite evident to the medics the woman had suffered a small stroke, but they were baffled as to what had caused the physical trauma.
The only injury was a fading hickey on the right side of the woman's neck. A thorough examination revealed that a major artery [a blood vessel that carries oxygenated blood away from the heart to the body.] had been damaged.
The doctors believe the woman’s lover had applied excess suction over her internal carotid artery while biting, which resulted in blood clot.
The clot in the artery later got dislodged and travelled to the woman's heart causing a minor stroke which in turn led to partial loss of movement.
Dr Teddy Whu, one of the doctors who treated the woman stated, “Because it was a love bite, there would be a lot of suction.”
He added,"To my knowledge, it's the first time someone has been hospitalised by a "hickey".
The incident which occurred last year has been reported in the latest issue of the 'New Zealand Medical Journal.'
MY THOUGHTS
click on the title to read the whole story, especially how the woman was treated.
by Neharika Sabharwal - January 22, 2011
http://www.themedguru.com/20110122/newsfeature/woman-partially-paralyzed-after-love-bite-86143425.html
Who would have thought that kissing, biting, or sucking by an amorous partner around the neck would turn out to be dangerous.
In a rather bizarre incident, a 44-year-old Maori woman was rushed to the emergency department of Middlemore Hospital in Auckland with partial paralysis after receiving a “love bite” on her neck by an ardent lover.
A few days after the moment of passion, the woman experienced numbness in her left arm while she was watching television.
Stroke caused by love-bite
It was quite evident to the medics the woman had suffered a small stroke, but they were baffled as to what had caused the physical trauma.
The only injury was a fading hickey on the right side of the woman's neck. A thorough examination revealed that a major artery [a blood vessel that carries oxygenated blood away from the heart to the body.] had been damaged.
The doctors believe the woman’s lover had applied excess suction over her internal carotid artery while biting, which resulted in blood clot.
The clot in the artery later got dislodged and travelled to the woman's heart causing a minor stroke which in turn led to partial loss of movement.
Dr Teddy Whu, one of the doctors who treated the woman stated, “Because it was a love bite, there would be a lot of suction.”
He added,"To my knowledge, it's the first time someone has been hospitalised by a "hickey".
The incident which occurred last year has been reported in the latest issue of the 'New Zealand Medical Journal.'
MY THOUGHTS
click on the title to read the whole story, especially how the woman was treated.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Happy Couples Fight
Happy Couples Fight
Don't Avoid Conflict
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide
Every married couple will have disagreements. One of the keys to a successful relationship is knowing how to handle conflict. Avoiding conflict, walking on egg shells so to speak, being afraid of rocking the boat, or keeping peace at any price will hurt your marriage.
How to Handle Conflict in Your Marriage
Here are some ways to handle marital disputes and resolve differences:
* Make sure you clarify what it is you are discussing.
* If either of you are too angry to discuss the situation or problem, then set a time to get together later to discuss it.
* Be flexible and open to other solutions than your own. A willingness to compromise is important.
* Don't push one another's buttons. Don't be sarcastic or attack one another's self image.
* Don't interrupt one another. Listen. Be aware of your own body language and what it may be saying.
* Talk in a calm, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing.
* Remember that a fair argument can enhance a marriage. Fight for your marriage, not to win.
MY THOUGHTS
"don't feel like your walking on eggs. if i need telling off tell me off. then we can have our fight. then make up and love again." - well, that's an excerpt from the poem - "please don't promise me forever". beautiful poem. beautiful thought.
Don't Avoid Conflict
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide
Every married couple will have disagreements. One of the keys to a successful relationship is knowing how to handle conflict. Avoiding conflict, walking on egg shells so to speak, being afraid of rocking the boat, or keeping peace at any price will hurt your marriage.
How to Handle Conflict in Your Marriage
Here are some ways to handle marital disputes and resolve differences:
* Make sure you clarify what it is you are discussing.
* If either of you are too angry to discuss the situation or problem, then set a time to get together later to discuss it.
* Be flexible and open to other solutions than your own. A willingness to compromise is important.
* Don't push one another's buttons. Don't be sarcastic or attack one another's self image.
* Don't interrupt one another. Listen. Be aware of your own body language and what it may be saying.
* Talk in a calm, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing.
* Remember that a fair argument can enhance a marriage. Fight for your marriage, not to win.
MY THOUGHTS
"don't feel like your walking on eggs. if i need telling off tell me off. then we can have our fight. then make up and love again." - well, that's an excerpt from the poem - "please don't promise me forever". beautiful poem. beautiful thought.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Happiness in Marriage
Happiness in Marriage
Don't Depend on Marriage to Bring You Happiness
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide
One of the myths about marriage is that marriage will make you happy. That's not true. Marriage alone cannot bring you happiness.
A Happy Marriage Comes From Within
Your happiness both as an individual and as a married partner must come from within yourself. Being married can add to your happiness, but it is not and can not be the primary source of your happiness.
"... getting married is not necessarily the key to achieving eternal bliss. Most people were no more satisfied with life after marriage than they were prior to marriage in a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology."
Source: Anne Becker. "Marriage Is Not the Key to Happiness." PsychologyToday.com. 3/18/2003.
A Few Strategies for Creating a Happier You and a Happy Marriage
* Like yourself.
* Be yourself.
* Be nice to one another.
* Show mutual respect.
* Be supportive of each other.
* Agree to have fair fights.
* Each evening, share with one another three happy things that you noticed during the day. Talk about why these moments of happiness occurred.
* Both of you write down how you want to be remembered. Talk with your spouse about how the way you are living your lives helps or takes away from what's important to you both.
* Make a list of things that make you happy such as a sunny day, a hot bath, a child's laugh. Create ways to include these happy times in your life more often.
* Do a random act of kindness not only for a stranger each day, but also for one another. Don't talk about these acts of kindness with one another. They are for your own personal self-esteem and growth.
* Fill your own emotional needs.
* Compliment and affirm your spouse.
Word of Caution
We are not saying that you can create a happy marriage when there is infidelity, abuse, lying, etc.
If you are in a dysfunctional marriage, please seek professional counseling so you can make an informed and rational decision as to whether or not your marriage is worth saving.
MY THOUGHTS
so, i hope you're not in a dysfunctional marriage. work on these tips, then. yes, work. some people think, saying "i do" is enough. real work comes after the vows. and more work is required when your wedding photos start to fade. when bulging tummies, double chins and sagging (i was going to say cheeks!) share that old creaky bed each night. it's so easy to fall out of love in the everyday mundane things of a married life. once you do, it's a lot harder to try and fall in love all over again. if you're married and you have not seen the movie fireproof, please do.
Don't Depend on Marriage to Bring You Happiness
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide
One of the myths about marriage is that marriage will make you happy. That's not true. Marriage alone cannot bring you happiness.
A Happy Marriage Comes From Within
Your happiness both as an individual and as a married partner must come from within yourself. Being married can add to your happiness, but it is not and can not be the primary source of your happiness.
"... getting married is not necessarily the key to achieving eternal bliss. Most people were no more satisfied with life after marriage than they were prior to marriage in a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology."
Source: Anne Becker. "Marriage Is Not the Key to Happiness." PsychologyToday.com. 3/18/2003.
A Few Strategies for Creating a Happier You and a Happy Marriage
* Like yourself.
* Be yourself.
* Be nice to one another.
* Show mutual respect.
* Be supportive of each other.
* Agree to have fair fights.
* Each evening, share with one another three happy things that you noticed during the day. Talk about why these moments of happiness occurred.
* Both of you write down how you want to be remembered. Talk with your spouse about how the way you are living your lives helps or takes away from what's important to you both.
* Make a list of things that make you happy such as a sunny day, a hot bath, a child's laugh. Create ways to include these happy times in your life more often.
* Do a random act of kindness not only for a stranger each day, but also for one another. Don't talk about these acts of kindness with one another. They are for your own personal self-esteem and growth.
* Fill your own emotional needs.
* Compliment and affirm your spouse.
Word of Caution
We are not saying that you can create a happy marriage when there is infidelity, abuse, lying, etc.
If you are in a dysfunctional marriage, please seek professional counseling so you can make an informed and rational decision as to whether or not your marriage is worth saving.
MY THOUGHTS
so, i hope you're not in a dysfunctional marriage. work on these tips, then. yes, work. some people think, saying "i do" is enough. real work comes after the vows. and more work is required when your wedding photos start to fade. when bulging tummies, double chins and sagging (i was going to say cheeks!) share that old creaky bed each night. it's so easy to fall out of love in the everyday mundane things of a married life. once you do, it's a lot harder to try and fall in love all over again. if you're married and you have not seen the movie fireproof, please do.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Your Head and Your Heart
Your Head and Your Heart
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published January 03, 2011
When it comes to matters of love, are you the type of person who uses your head or your heart to qualify a mate? In other words, are you more analytical or instinctual? There are pros and cons to each, but the best way to evaluate the suitability of a mate is a combination of the two. A balance of head and heart provides the best information for important life decisions like this.
On the one hand, a strict analytical approach gives you the cold hard facts that you need, but it doesn’t take into account the wonderful intangibles that make your heart pound and knees shake. Conversely, the absence of any analytical input leaves you solely with your gut instincts. I find this often gets people into trouble. The heart has a natural tendency to ignore facts. For example, a woman sent me a message about her boyfriend’s sudden departure after a three-year relationship. She said that her friends and family warned her about him and that even she could see some signs (analytical head information), but she refused to believe them (emotional heart information).
If you're wrestling with a relationship issue today, give attention to both of these variables and consider them as you ponder your decision. Happiness in a relationship does not come from what you want… it comes from what you get!
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
i know! it's too early for VDay. and this is nothing new. just consider this a reminder then. i was a "heart pound, knees shake person". i guess i still am. and it's so easy to tell someone to use her head and see the signs. that's hard to do when your head's in the clouds. even when the clouds are dark and sinister. just wait for that cloud to burst. maybe she'll learn after the storm. or maybe not. in any case, it's better to have... (blah!blah!blah!)
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published January 03, 2011
When it comes to matters of love, are you the type of person who uses your head or your heart to qualify a mate? In other words, are you more analytical or instinctual? There are pros and cons to each, but the best way to evaluate the suitability of a mate is a combination of the two. A balance of head and heart provides the best information for important life decisions like this.
On the one hand, a strict analytical approach gives you the cold hard facts that you need, but it doesn’t take into account the wonderful intangibles that make your heart pound and knees shake. Conversely, the absence of any analytical input leaves you solely with your gut instincts. I find this often gets people into trouble. The heart has a natural tendency to ignore facts. For example, a woman sent me a message about her boyfriend’s sudden departure after a three-year relationship. She said that her friends and family warned her about him and that even she could see some signs (analytical head information), but she refused to believe them (emotional heart information).
If you're wrestling with a relationship issue today, give attention to both of these variables and consider them as you ponder your decision. Happiness in a relationship does not come from what you want… it comes from what you get!
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
i know! it's too early for VDay. and this is nothing new. just consider this a reminder then. i was a "heart pound, knees shake person". i guess i still am. and it's so easy to tell someone to use her head and see the signs. that's hard to do when your head's in the clouds. even when the clouds are dark and sinister. just wait for that cloud to burst. maybe she'll learn after the storm. or maybe not. in any case, it's better to have... (blah!blah!blah!)
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