Will You Make Sense of Your Relationship and Stay With a Cheating Husband?

Making sense of relationships is hard enough as it is.  Throw in a cheating husband (or wife or partner) and it becomes much, much harder.  Dr.  Slake has some good thoughts here.  But this is a subject that's highly debatable.  And why not?  Why not debate on it?  Especially if it's about making sense of relationships?

Q&A – Should I Stay With My Cheating Husband?

Daily Inspiration

By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach

Published July 19, 2012

 

Q: Last August I found out that my husband of 26 years was having an affair. We separated at the time, during which I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I’m currently in therapy. After six weeks we got back together, until I learned the affair had continued. He now says he wants to work on us, but he’s still seeing this girl. What should I do?

-B. W.

A: Hi B,

You’ve certainly had your share of tough times in recent months and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation after 26 years of marriage. Because of the breakdown and attempted suicide that you shared, I’m also relieved to see that you’re currently seeing a therapist. My instincts tell me that it will take more than a brief and surface level exchange with me to help you find your way through all of this heartache, betrayal and disappointment.

Because your husband has been dishonest with you about seeing this woman twice, I’m reminded of that old saying, Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me. However, because you’ve been married for 26 years, I understand your desire to try to work this out and stay together. I tend to judge people by what they do more than by what they say and, as a result, I’d have great difficulty trusting this man again. On the other hand, if you honestly believe that he’s sincere and you want to give it another go, I would absolutely insist that marital therapy for the both of you be an integral part of the reconciliation agreement.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

www.innerdiet.com

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Stressed? Angry? Not over your ex? Email your question to Dr. Sklare to get expert advice! Ask Dr. Sklare
 

My Thoughts

 

People get their hearts broken.  That's  part of loving.   That's why making sense of relationships is important.  People need to know how to deal with heartbreak.  Otherwise, it's the relationship that would break.

Dealing with cheating is something else.  It breaks, not only the heart.  It breaks the person.  Easier if there were no wedding vows.  But when you promised to love and to hold, the issue of "let no man put asunder" comes in.

I used to think that this is impossible: to forgive and let God take care of the healing.  But it happens.  I've seen a lot of couples get over the "cheating" and they are now happy.  I've seen the pain of staying with the "cheater", but the obedience to God's directions really do pay off.

God gave us the wisdom, and the will, to do what we can in making sense of relationships.  But it's Him, only Him, who can truly make sense of our relationships for us. 

Rate Your Current Relationship

Relationships 101

Daily Inspiration

By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach

Published May 11, 2012

 

On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 meaning horrible and 10 meaning blissful, how would you rate the level of happiness with your current relationship?

If you’re like most people and are being totally honest, I’m guessing few of you would choose a 9 or 10. I say that because, whenever I’ve asked this question in the past, I seldom get those high marks. Why? Because regardless of how good your current relationship is, it could always be better.

The best advice given on relationships can be summed up in the following word… communication.

The two kinds of critical communications are verbal and non-verbal. When combined, they create the deepest, most satisfying and healthiest kinds of relationships.

Some people are great at saying “I love you” verbally, but are poor at showing their love behaviorally.

For example, take the partner who easily says “I love you” all the time but never makes themselves available to help you when you need assistance or can’t seem to offer you that all important hug when you want it most.

Then there are those who will break their backs physically demonstrating how much they love you through actions, but can never bring themselves to say those words. They’re always right there when you need something physical - like helping with the housework or providing the hug I mentioned earlier - but you’ll never hear “I love you” from their lips.

 

 If you need to hear those words, a partner who isn’t verbally communicative can be frustrating and disappointing. And if you need to see physical demonstrations of your partner’s love and they never show it, you also find yourself unhappy and feeling disconnected. Even though I generally feel that showing you love someone is more important than saying it, a healthy combination of both is needed in most relationships.

Let me ask you to again return to the 10-point scale I referred to earlier. I want you to rate yourself and your partner on the following two questions (10 means Always and 1 means Never):

Performance regarding showing love verbally:
YOU ______     YOUR PARTNER ______
Performance regarding showing love non-verbally:
YOU ______     YOUR PARTNER ______

If you answered those questions honestly, you may now have some insight that you didn’t have before. By making these two subjective assessments, you can identify the areas where improvement can be made.

If you’re brave enough, ask your partner to answer these questions too. This is a fun and non-threatening way to gently introduce this subject to your spouse or partner. I also think you’d find it enlightening to see how your partner views you on these two forms of communication.

 

After seeing and discussing your scores, you and your mate both should make a conscious effort to improve those areas where communication is weak and become a better partner for the other. Your relationship will grow deeper and much stronger as a result.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

www.innerdiet.com 

 

 

MY THOUGHTS

 

If you got a low rating, don't despair.  The ability to communicate is a skill.  It can be learned.  It can be improved.  If you love each other enough, you can work this out.

 

Be warned, though.  Even if you're lucky enough to have found the 'perfect blend',  without constant nurturing, things can go down the drain.  People clam up.  People withdraw.  

Don't look up to your partner to give their share.  You are part of the equation, too.

 

 

 

Make Your Marriiage Relationship Last

Q&A – How Can I Make Sure My Marriage Lasts?
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published September 15, 2011
www.lifescript.com

Q: My fiancé and I are getting married this February and have both had our share of toxic relationships. Our relationship has been the healthiest we’ve ever had. We are deeply in love and want our marriage to last. We’re already planning on premarital counseling with our pastor, but do you have any advice on having a happy, healthy and monogamous marriage?

-Jennifer H.

A: Hi Jennifer,

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. There are few things in life more satisfying, fulfilling and health-promoting than finding that special someone to share your life with. The key is to do all that you can to keep love alive and to mutually help it thrive. Let me first say that I have a very good feeling about your approaching marriage. I say that because you show an awareness of what an unhealthy and toxic relationship looks like and you demonstrate great wisdom by committing to pre-marital counseling. So you wonder what else you can do to improve your odds for success.

I have one suggestion that I feel strongly about and that my professional experience tells me works very well. One of the most powerful and subtle things you can do to improve your odds for a successful marriage is to have married friends who are in happy and healthy relationships. There’s something to be said about that old adage… birds of feather flock together!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

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MY THOUGHTS

Making sense of relationships, especially marriage, requires effort.  It's not like instant coffee or noodles where you simply put hot water and, voila, you have something to sip or eat.

I've seen a lot of marriages that ended up in annulment and divorce.  But I've seen more that has withstood the test of time, so to speak.  They can tell you all sorts of do's and don'ts.  But the best one I've heard is having God in the center of the relationship.  It's not going to be rosy.  But you'll get to smell the roses despite the thorns.

What Will You Do If Your Son Won't Talk to You

Q&A - Help! My Son Won't Talk To Me
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published September 06, 2011

Q: I’m having a hard time having a relationship with my 19-year-old son because of his live-in girlfriend. She’s very disrespectful to me. When I tried to talk to her about it, it ended in a screaming match, and then my son won’t talk to me or visit. I love him and miss him. What can I do to repair the relationship?

-Cindy B.

A: Hi Cindy,

I’m sorry to hear about this situation with your son and I can only imagine how upsetting and heartbreaking this must be for you. Unfortunately, when our children’s minds and hearts become intimately involved with another, these kinds of emotional dramas often arise. From your son’s young 19-year-old point of view, I’m sure he’s struggling a bit with the balance of wanting to be a man to his woman while still being a son to his mother. My experience tells me that this issue will most likely resolve itself in time as your son matures. In the meantime, I have a few thoughts.

If I were you, I’d do my best to keep my cool and find creative ways to see my son alone. I’d be cautious about saying anything negative about his girlfriend and I wouldn’t respond to her disrespectful comments with anger or disgust. Take the high road, Cindy, and model the behavior you want to see because, at the end of the day, I believe your son will come around and you’ll regain that close relationship you once had with him.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

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MY THOUGHTS

This is really a frustrating situation.  But a real one.  My question is why is the son still saying with the man?  If he can't leave home because he's still dependent on his mom, what right does he have to be angry?  And the girl friend screaming?  And they are not yet married?  I cannot comprehend.  Maybe I'm still stuck in the past.  Or living in a dream world.  I really don't know.

Tips to Help your Partner Relieve Stress

5 tips to help your man manage stress
6:05 AM, Aug. 13, 2011

In a time when a dwindling economy has led to more job insecurity and crazier work schedules, men are feeling increasingly stressed to hold down a job and bring in an income, according to a recent study by the New York-based Work and Family Institute.

But helping your boyfriend or husband manage those stresses isn't difficult - from the expert advice of Cosmopolitan Magazine, you can learn a few simple tricks to help him see the brighter side of things.

STOCK UP ON SNACKS. When your man is stressed, reach for the chips and keep 'em coming. By munching on his favorite crunchy snack, he'll actually get a subtle stress release from bodily tensions, similar to squeezing a stress ball, according to Kathleen Hall, founder of The Stress Institute.

KEEP A SLIGHT DISTANCE. A clingy girlfriend is the last thing a man wants when he is stressed. However, there is a way to stay close and help alleviate tension. According to Hall, research shows that a man begins to produce oxytocin - the affectionate chemical - at high levels when he is 3 feet away from a woman. So, give him some space but stay close. When you're sitting on the couch, ensure you're just barely touching. He'll begin to feel closer to you without realizing it.

CHALLENGE HIM TO A GAME. Hall suggests Wii Tennis, but any similar activity will produce the same results: By tapping into his competitive side, he'll not only forget about work stresses but his body also will release happy-inducing chemicals, like serotonin.

MAKE IT A COCKTAIL HOUR. Although you can't jet off on a vacation every time life gets a little stressful, you can try to recreate the carefree experience by serving him a fruity cocktail that will make him think of white beaches, not work.

GET A LAUGH. Because men often react more to visual stimulus, you can help him unwind by putting something funny directly in his face. Look up a hilarious YouTube video and share it with him during the day. Even better, if you watch it together, your smile will help brighten his day.

MY THOUGHTS

A stressed partner is hard for relationships.  If we want our relationships to work, we need to be sensitive to our partners.  We should be aware of his stress levels and try to be supportive instead of causing more stress.  Honestly, I think your ability to lessen th stress depends on your partner and what relaxes him.  Some would like to talk about their problems.  Some would prefer to stay off the subject.  Others would like to sleep it off.  While for others, being active will do the trick.  If your efforts don't seem to work, don't take it personally.  That will lead to more stress for the both of you.

What Do You Prefer in YOur Relationship: WORDS OR ACTIONS?

Words Versus Action
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published December 10, 2010

There are two separate but distinct kinds of emails that I receive from people who are struggling in their relationships: Those whose significant other says he or she loves them but doesn’t show it, and those whose significant other shows love but never says it.

Personally, I tend to judge people more by what they do than by what they say. However, the ideal relationship contains a healthy mix of both of these. But some people get all words and others get all actions. Today I ask you to reflect on which two modes of loving communication you most appreciate. In other words, even though both are important, what’s more important to you in an intimate relationship? Is it what your lover says or does?

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

What's more important to me in a relationship?  If I have to choose between words and actions, I'd probably go for the latter. Who doesn't want to feel that you're loved?.  Who wouldn't want to be showered with love?  Still, it's nice to hear, every so often, what the other person feels.  Why does it have to be a choice between the two?  I believe you can have both.  It's not impossible.  But if you are in a relationship where you have one but not the other, be thankful.  Be very thankful.  Some people have not even experienced either one.

LOVE MORE BY CARING LESS

How to Love More by Caring Less
By Martha Beck
O, The Oprah Magazine  |  From the July 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Now my whole family is abusing me!" said Loretta, a client at a women's resource center where I volunteered back in the '90s. "If I leave my husband, it'll just be out of the frying pan and into the fire."

"Are you—" I cut myself off before finishing my thought, which was, "Are you crazy?" Just the week before, I'd participated in an intervention where Loretta's family had urged her to leave her battering husband, Rex. Each person had expressed enormous love for and protectiveness toward Loretta. Now she thought they were all abusers? Huh?

"They're just like Rex," she said. "You saw it. They judge me. They criticize me. Nothing I do is enough for them."

I opened my mouth, then closed it. Opened then closed it again. I kept that up for about a minute, like a perplexed goldfish, as I groped for the right thing to say. It killed me that Loretta was interpreting her family's desire to rescue her as criticism and judgment. But even as I tried to come up with the kindest possible phrasing for "What the hell is wrong with you?" I knew my question would come across like a slap.

That's when it dawned on me that Loretta had a point. No, her family wasn't abusing her the way Rex did—and yet in its own way, their treatment of her must have felt like an attack. They weren't accepting her as she was. They needed her to change. They raised their voices, made demands, pushed hard. And their intense negative emotions were triggering her fear and defensiveness.

It was in the midst of processing all this that I suddenly heard myself say, "Well, Loretta, I just love you. I don't care what happens to you."

The statement shocked me as it left my lips. But even as I mentally smacked myself upside the head, a funny thing happened: Loretta visibly relaxed. I could feel my own anxiety vanishing, too, leaving a quiet space in which I could treat Loretta kindly. It was true—I really didn't care what happened to her. No matter what she did, I wouldn't love her one bit less.

Since then I've found that loving without caring is a useful approach—I'd venture to say the best approach—in most relationships, especially families. If you think that's coldhearted, think again. It may be time you let yourself love more by caring less.

Next: How does it work?

Detached Attachment

To care for someone can mean to adore them, feed them, tend their wounds. But care can also signify sorrow, as in "bowed down by cares." Or anxiety, as in "Careful!" Or investment in an outcome, as in "Who cares?" The word love has no such range of meaning: It's pure acceptance. Watching families like Loretta's taught me that caring—with its shades of sadness, fear, and insistence on specific outcomes—is not love. In fact, when care appears, unconditional love often vanishes.

When my son was first diagnosed with Down syndrome, I cared so much that my fear for his future overshadowed my joy at his existence. Now that I couldn't care less how many chromosomes the kid has, I can love him boundlessly. For you, loving without caring might mean staying calm when your sister gets divorced, or your dad starts smoking again, or your husband is laid off. You may think that in such situations not getting upset would be unloving. But consider: If you were physically injured, bleeding out, would you rather be with someone who screamed and swooned, or someone who stayed calm enough to improvise a tourniquet? Real healing, real love comes from people who are both totally committed to helping—and able to emotionally detach.

This is because, on an emotional level, our brains are designed to mirror one another. As a result, when we're anxious and controlling, other people don't respond with compliance; they reflect us by becoming—press the button when you get the right answer—anxious and controlling. Anger elicits anger, fear elicits fear, no matter how well meaning we may be. When Loretta's family insisted she leave Rex, she insisted on staying. When I told her I loved her without caring what happened, she mirrored my relaxation. That's when she began to request and absorb the advice I was now welcome to give.

Free to Be...Carefree

If you want to try loving without caring—and by now I hope you do—here's how to get there. Just be sure to buckle up. This may be a bumpy ride.

1. Choose a Subject
Think of a person you love, but about whom you feel some level of anxiety, anger, or sadness.

2. Identify What This Person Must Change to Make You Happy

Think about how your loved one must alter herself or her behavior before you can be content. Complete the sentence below by filling in the name of your loved one, the thing(s) you want this person to change, and the way you'd feel if the change occurred:

If _______ would only _______, then I could feel _______.

3. Accept a Radical Reality

Now scratch out the first clause of the sentence you just wrote, so all that remains is:

I could feel _______.

That last sentence, oh best beloved, is the truth. It is the whole truth. Yes, your loved one's cooperation would be lovely, but you don't absolutely need it to experience any given emotional state. This is incredibly hard to accept—it would be so easy to feel good if others would just do what we want, right? Nevertheless, you can feel sane even if your crazy-making brother stays crazy. You can feel peaceful even if your daughter robs a bank. If Helen Keller could write, after growing up deaf and blind, "I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad," then you can find a way to be happy even if your mother never does stop correcting your grammar.

Accepting that this is possible—that you can achieve a given emotional state even if a loved one doesn't conform to your wishes—is the key step to loving without caring. I'm not saying that such acceptance will make you instantly content. Creating ways to be happy is your life's work, a challenge that won't end until you die. We'll come back to that in a minute. For now, the goal is just to try believing, or merely hoping, that even if all your loved ones remain toxically insane forever, it's still possible you'll find opportunities to thrive and joys to embrace.

4. Shift Your Focus from Controlling Your Loved One's Behavior to Creating
Your Own Happiness

When I make this suggestion to my clients, they tend to take umbrage. "I always focus on creating my own happiness!" they insist. "That's precisely why I'm trying to get my grandchildren to visit, and my cat to stop biting, and Justin Bieber to engage with me in a mutually rewarding exchange of personal e-mails!"

Best of luck with that. Because as AA or any other 12-step group will tell you, sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people. This is the moment you become mentally free to start trying new ideas, building new relationships, experimenting to see what situations feel better than the hopeless deadlock of depending on change from someone you can't control.

Again, this is a lifelong project, a game of "You're getting warmer; you're getting colder" that stops only when you do. But the focus shift that helps you stop caring is like a little dance (drop hope of changing significant other, embrace determination to find alternative sources of peace and joy, step-ball-change) that immediately, reliably diverts your energy toward happiness and unconditional love.

The Payoff

Once we'd established that I didn't care what happened to Loretta, our work together finally became productive. In a follow-up family session, I had each relative tell all the others, "I love you unconditionally—I don't care what happens to you." We discussed ways in which each of them might begin creating personal happiness, regardless of Loretta's actions. And as the focus shifted off her, Loretta felt less pressured, less harried, more respected. Smiles and hugs appeared in place of tension and tears.

Supported by her loving, uncaring family, Loretta eventually triumphed: She left Rex, got a job, and found a healthier mate. As you support your significant others, they may realize this same spectacular success. Or not. You can be happy either way, so what do you care? You have the freedom to live and let live, to love and let love. Granting yourself that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things you can do for yourself and the people who matter to you. And if you disagree, I truly, respectfully, lovingly do not care.

Martha Beck is the author of six books, including Steering by Starlight (Rodale).

MY THOUGHTS

I had to read this over and over.  Definitely requires thinking outside of the box.  And actually doing, what this article suggests, will require more than just thinking. I just have to read it again.  Am still not convinced.