Will You Make Sense of Your Relationship and Stay With a Cheating Husband?

Making sense of relationships is hard enough as it is.  Throw in a cheating husband (or wife or partner) and it becomes much, much harder.  Dr.  Slake has some good thoughts here.  But this is a subject that's highly debatable.  And why not?  Why not debate on it?  Especially if it's about making sense of relationships?

Q&A – Should I Stay With My Cheating Husband?

Daily Inspiration

By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach

Published July 19, 2012

 

Q: Last August I found out that my husband of 26 years was having an affair. We separated at the time, during which I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I’m currently in therapy. After six weeks we got back together, until I learned the affair had continued. He now says he wants to work on us, but he’s still seeing this girl. What should I do?

-B. W.

A: Hi B,

You’ve certainly had your share of tough times in recent months and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation after 26 years of marriage. Because of the breakdown and attempted suicide that you shared, I’m also relieved to see that you’re currently seeing a therapist. My instincts tell me that it will take more than a brief and surface level exchange with me to help you find your way through all of this heartache, betrayal and disappointment.

Because your husband has been dishonest with you about seeing this woman twice, I’m reminded of that old saying, Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me. However, because you’ve been married for 26 years, I understand your desire to try to work this out and stay together. I tend to judge people by what they do more than by what they say and, as a result, I’d have great difficulty trusting this man again. On the other hand, if you honestly believe that he’s sincere and you want to give it another go, I would absolutely insist that marital therapy for the both of you be an integral part of the reconciliation agreement.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

www.innerdiet.com

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Stressed? Angry? Not over your ex? Email your question to Dr. Sklare to get expert advice! Ask Dr. Sklare
 

My Thoughts

 

People get their hearts broken.  That's  part of loving.   That's why making sense of relationships is important.  People need to know how to deal with heartbreak.  Otherwise, it's the relationship that would break.

Dealing with cheating is something else.  It breaks, not only the heart.  It breaks the person.  Easier if there were no wedding vows.  But when you promised to love and to hold, the issue of "let no man put asunder" comes in.

I used to think that this is impossible: to forgive and let God take care of the healing.  But it happens.  I've seen a lot of couples get over the "cheating" and they are now happy.  I've seen the pain of staying with the "cheater", but the obedience to God's directions really do pay off.

God gave us the wisdom, and the will, to do what we can in making sense of relationships.  But it's Him, only Him, who can truly make sense of our relationships for us. 

Make Your Marriiage Relationship Last

Q&A – How Can I Make Sure My Marriage Lasts?
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published September 15, 2011
www.lifescript.com

Q: My fiancé and I are getting married this February and have both had our share of toxic relationships. Our relationship has been the healthiest we’ve ever had. We are deeply in love and want our marriage to last. We’re already planning on premarital counseling with our pastor, but do you have any advice on having a happy, healthy and monogamous marriage?

-Jennifer H.

A: Hi Jennifer,

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. There are few things in life more satisfying, fulfilling and health-promoting than finding that special someone to share your life with. The key is to do all that you can to keep love alive and to mutually help it thrive. Let me first say that I have a very good feeling about your approaching marriage. I say that because you show an awareness of what an unhealthy and toxic relationship looks like and you demonstrate great wisdom by committing to pre-marital counseling. So you wonder what else you can do to improve your odds for success.

I have one suggestion that I feel strongly about and that my professional experience tells me works very well. One of the most powerful and subtle things you can do to improve your odds for a successful marriage is to have married friends who are in happy and healthy relationships. There’s something to be said about that old adage… birds of feather flock together!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

Follow Dr. Sklare on Health Bistro!

MY THOUGHTS

Making sense of relationships, especially marriage, requires effort.  It's not like instant coffee or noodles where you simply put hot water and, voila, you have something to sip or eat.

I've seen a lot of marriages that ended up in annulment and divorce.  But I've seen more that has withstood the test of time, so to speak.  They can tell you all sorts of do's and don'ts.  But the best one I've heard is having God in the center of the relationship.  It's not going to be rosy.  But you'll get to smell the roses despite the thorns.

Tips to Help your Partner Relieve Stress

5 tips to help your man manage stress
6:05 AM, Aug. 13, 2011

In a time when a dwindling economy has led to more job insecurity and crazier work schedules, men are feeling increasingly stressed to hold down a job and bring in an income, according to a recent study by the New York-based Work and Family Institute.

But helping your boyfriend or husband manage those stresses isn't difficult - from the expert advice of Cosmopolitan Magazine, you can learn a few simple tricks to help him see the brighter side of things.

STOCK UP ON SNACKS. When your man is stressed, reach for the chips and keep 'em coming. By munching on his favorite crunchy snack, he'll actually get a subtle stress release from bodily tensions, similar to squeezing a stress ball, according to Kathleen Hall, founder of The Stress Institute.

KEEP A SLIGHT DISTANCE. A clingy girlfriend is the last thing a man wants when he is stressed. However, there is a way to stay close and help alleviate tension. According to Hall, research shows that a man begins to produce oxytocin - the affectionate chemical - at high levels when he is 3 feet away from a woman. So, give him some space but stay close. When you're sitting on the couch, ensure you're just barely touching. He'll begin to feel closer to you without realizing it.

CHALLENGE HIM TO A GAME. Hall suggests Wii Tennis, but any similar activity will produce the same results: By tapping into his competitive side, he'll not only forget about work stresses but his body also will release happy-inducing chemicals, like serotonin.

MAKE IT A COCKTAIL HOUR. Although you can't jet off on a vacation every time life gets a little stressful, you can try to recreate the carefree experience by serving him a fruity cocktail that will make him think of white beaches, not work.

GET A LAUGH. Because men often react more to visual stimulus, you can help him unwind by putting something funny directly in his face. Look up a hilarious YouTube video and share it with him during the day. Even better, if you watch it together, your smile will help brighten his day.

MY THOUGHTS

A stressed partner is hard for relationships.  If we want our relationships to work, we need to be sensitive to our partners.  We should be aware of his stress levels and try to be supportive instead of causing more stress.  Honestly, I think your ability to lessen th stress depends on your partner and what relaxes him.  Some would like to talk about their problems.  Some would prefer to stay off the subject.  Others would like to sleep it off.  While for others, being active will do the trick.  If your efforts don't seem to work, don't take it personally.  That will lead to more stress for the both of you.

What Do You Prefer in YOur Relationship: WORDS OR ACTIONS?

Words Versus Action
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published December 10, 2010

There are two separate but distinct kinds of emails that I receive from people who are struggling in their relationships: Those whose significant other says he or she loves them but doesn’t show it, and those whose significant other shows love but never says it.

Personally, I tend to judge people more by what they do than by what they say. However, the ideal relationship contains a healthy mix of both of these. But some people get all words and others get all actions. Today I ask you to reflect on which two modes of loving communication you most appreciate. In other words, even though both are important, what’s more important to you in an intimate relationship? Is it what your lover says or does?

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

What's more important to me in a relationship?  If I have to choose between words and actions, I'd probably go for the latter. Who doesn't want to feel that you're loved?.  Who wouldn't want to be showered with love?  Still, it's nice to hear, every so often, what the other person feels.  Why does it have to be a choice between the two?  I believe you can have both.  It's not impossible.  But if you are in a relationship where you have one but not the other, be thankful.  Be very thankful.  Some people have not even experienced either one.

LOVE MORE BY CARING LESS

How to Love More by Caring Less
By Martha Beck
O, The Oprah Magazine  |  From the July 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Now my whole family is abusing me!" said Loretta, a client at a women's resource center where I volunteered back in the '90s. "If I leave my husband, it'll just be out of the frying pan and into the fire."

"Are you—" I cut myself off before finishing my thought, which was, "Are you crazy?" Just the week before, I'd participated in an intervention where Loretta's family had urged her to leave her battering husband, Rex. Each person had expressed enormous love for and protectiveness toward Loretta. Now she thought they were all abusers? Huh?

"They're just like Rex," she said. "You saw it. They judge me. They criticize me. Nothing I do is enough for them."

I opened my mouth, then closed it. Opened then closed it again. I kept that up for about a minute, like a perplexed goldfish, as I groped for the right thing to say. It killed me that Loretta was interpreting her family's desire to rescue her as criticism and judgment. But even as I tried to come up with the kindest possible phrasing for "What the hell is wrong with you?" I knew my question would come across like a slap.

That's when it dawned on me that Loretta had a point. No, her family wasn't abusing her the way Rex did—and yet in its own way, their treatment of her must have felt like an attack. They weren't accepting her as she was. They needed her to change. They raised their voices, made demands, pushed hard. And their intense negative emotions were triggering her fear and defensiveness.

It was in the midst of processing all this that I suddenly heard myself say, "Well, Loretta, I just love you. I don't care what happens to you."

The statement shocked me as it left my lips. But even as I mentally smacked myself upside the head, a funny thing happened: Loretta visibly relaxed. I could feel my own anxiety vanishing, too, leaving a quiet space in which I could treat Loretta kindly. It was true—I really didn't care what happened to her. No matter what she did, I wouldn't love her one bit less.

Since then I've found that loving without caring is a useful approach—I'd venture to say the best approach—in most relationships, especially families. If you think that's coldhearted, think again. It may be time you let yourself love more by caring less.

Next: How does it work?

Detached Attachment

To care for someone can mean to adore them, feed them, tend their wounds. But care can also signify sorrow, as in "bowed down by cares." Or anxiety, as in "Careful!" Or investment in an outcome, as in "Who cares?" The word love has no such range of meaning: It's pure acceptance. Watching families like Loretta's taught me that caring—with its shades of sadness, fear, and insistence on specific outcomes—is not love. In fact, when care appears, unconditional love often vanishes.

When my son was first diagnosed with Down syndrome, I cared so much that my fear for his future overshadowed my joy at his existence. Now that I couldn't care less how many chromosomes the kid has, I can love him boundlessly. For you, loving without caring might mean staying calm when your sister gets divorced, or your dad starts smoking again, or your husband is laid off. You may think that in such situations not getting upset would be unloving. But consider: If you were physically injured, bleeding out, would you rather be with someone who screamed and swooned, or someone who stayed calm enough to improvise a tourniquet? Real healing, real love comes from people who are both totally committed to helping—and able to emotionally detach.

This is because, on an emotional level, our brains are designed to mirror one another. As a result, when we're anxious and controlling, other people don't respond with compliance; they reflect us by becoming—press the button when you get the right answer—anxious and controlling. Anger elicits anger, fear elicits fear, no matter how well meaning we may be. When Loretta's family insisted she leave Rex, she insisted on staying. When I told her I loved her without caring what happened, she mirrored my relaxation. That's when she began to request and absorb the advice I was now welcome to give.

Free to Be...Carefree

If you want to try loving without caring—and by now I hope you do—here's how to get there. Just be sure to buckle up. This may be a bumpy ride.

1. Choose a Subject
Think of a person you love, but about whom you feel some level of anxiety, anger, or sadness.

2. Identify What This Person Must Change to Make You Happy

Think about how your loved one must alter herself or her behavior before you can be content. Complete the sentence below by filling in the name of your loved one, the thing(s) you want this person to change, and the way you'd feel if the change occurred:

If _______ would only _______, then I could feel _______.

3. Accept a Radical Reality

Now scratch out the first clause of the sentence you just wrote, so all that remains is:

I could feel _______.

That last sentence, oh best beloved, is the truth. It is the whole truth. Yes, your loved one's cooperation would be lovely, but you don't absolutely need it to experience any given emotional state. This is incredibly hard to accept—it would be so easy to feel good if others would just do what we want, right? Nevertheless, you can feel sane even if your crazy-making brother stays crazy. You can feel peaceful even if your daughter robs a bank. If Helen Keller could write, after growing up deaf and blind, "I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad," then you can find a way to be happy even if your mother never does stop correcting your grammar.

Accepting that this is possible—that you can achieve a given emotional state even if a loved one doesn't conform to your wishes—is the key step to loving without caring. I'm not saying that such acceptance will make you instantly content. Creating ways to be happy is your life's work, a challenge that won't end until you die. We'll come back to that in a minute. For now, the goal is just to try believing, or merely hoping, that even if all your loved ones remain toxically insane forever, it's still possible you'll find opportunities to thrive and joys to embrace.

4. Shift Your Focus from Controlling Your Loved One's Behavior to Creating
Your Own Happiness

When I make this suggestion to my clients, they tend to take umbrage. "I always focus on creating my own happiness!" they insist. "That's precisely why I'm trying to get my grandchildren to visit, and my cat to stop biting, and Justin Bieber to engage with me in a mutually rewarding exchange of personal e-mails!"

Best of luck with that. Because as AA or any other 12-step group will tell you, sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people. This is the moment you become mentally free to start trying new ideas, building new relationships, experimenting to see what situations feel better than the hopeless deadlock of depending on change from someone you can't control.

Again, this is a lifelong project, a game of "You're getting warmer; you're getting colder" that stops only when you do. But the focus shift that helps you stop caring is like a little dance (drop hope of changing significant other, embrace determination to find alternative sources of peace and joy, step-ball-change) that immediately, reliably diverts your energy toward happiness and unconditional love.

The Payoff

Once we'd established that I didn't care what happened to Loretta, our work together finally became productive. In a follow-up family session, I had each relative tell all the others, "I love you unconditionally—I don't care what happens to you." We discussed ways in which each of them might begin creating personal happiness, regardless of Loretta's actions. And as the focus shifted off her, Loretta felt less pressured, less harried, more respected. Smiles and hugs appeared in place of tension and tears.

Supported by her loving, uncaring family, Loretta eventually triumphed: She left Rex, got a job, and found a healthier mate. As you support your significant others, they may realize this same spectacular success. Or not. You can be happy either way, so what do you care? You have the freedom to live and let live, to love and let love. Granting yourself that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things you can do for yourself and the people who matter to you. And if you disagree, I truly, respectfully, lovingly do not care.

Martha Beck is the author of six books, including Steering by Starlight (Rodale).

MY THOUGHTS

I had to read this over and over.  Definitely requires thinking outside of the box.  And actually doing, what this article suggests, will require more than just thinking. I just have to read it again.  Am still not convinced.

ARE YOU THE DIRECTOR IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

ARE YOU THE DIRECTOR IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The Director

Specific activities in the testosterone system are what distinguishes this type. Again, although we think of the hormone as male, it is shared by both sexes, and there are many full-blooded women Directors. Whatever the gender, people of this type are competitive. They strive to be top dog and have many skills to get there. They are pragmatic, tough-minded, and most notably decisive, able to make up their minds rapidly, even when faced with difficult choices. Rational analysis, logical reasoning, and objectivity are their core strengths. They also pay attention to details and can focus their attention to the exclusion of everything around them—an ability that enables them to weed out extraneous data and progress on a straightforward path toward a specific goal: the solution. Many Directors are also ingenious, theoretical, and bold in their ideas. Moreover, they are willing to take unpopular, even dangerous paths, to get to the truth. So they persist and often win.

Directors are particularly skilled at understanding machines and other rule-based systems, from computers and math problems to the details of biology, world finance, or architecture. They excel at sports, and often have an acute ear for all kinds of music. Their interests can be narrow; but they pursue them deeply and thoroughly. And they can captivate those who share their hobbies.

Placating leaves the Director cold. He or she often chooses to do a good job rather than please others. In fact, Directors are the least socially skilled of the four types. When preoccupied with work or personal goals, they can appear aloof, distant, even cold, and are generally not interested in making social connections, with the exception of those that are useful or exciting to them.

As with the other types, the traits that make Directors so successful may become grating: For example, their confidence can veer into bragging, their exactitude turn uncompromising, and their forthrightness simply seem rude. And because they often see issues in black and white, they miss the nuances of social, business, and personal situations. But thanks to their dedication, loyalty, and interest in sharing ideas, Directors make close friends. And they can be fiercely protective of those they love.

MY THOUGHTS

i don't want to be a director. but i just maybe one. sometimes. especially if the other person needs directing. God help him.

Are you a NEGOTIATOR in relationships?

ARE YOU A NEGOTIATOR IN RELATIONSHIPS

from the article "What's Your Type?"
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The Negotiator

Negotiators have specific personality traits that have been linked with estrogen. Although estrogen is known as a female sex hormone, men have it, too, and there are plenty of male Negotiators. As the name suggests, this type is superb at handling people. Negotiators instinctively know what others are thinking and feeling. They artfully read facial expressions, postures, gestures, and tone of voice. Their interest in identity extends not only to others but to themselves. So they are introspective and self-analytical—men and women who take pleasure in journeying into their thoughts and motives. As a result, when they form a partnership, they like to delve deeply into the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.

Not only do Negotiators connect psychologically, they also have the ability to remain mentally flexible. When they make decisions, they weigh many variables and consider various ways to proceed; they see things contextually, rather than linearly—I call it web thinking. As a result, they tend to be comfortable with ambiguity. Negotiators can be highly intuitive and creative. And they like to theorize. Perhaps their most distinctive characteristic is verbal fluency, the facility for finding the right words rapidly. With this skill—alongside an agreeable and accommodating nature, compassion, social savvy, and patience—the Negotiator can be very friendly, diplomatic, and authentic.

But as with all qualities, these traits can warp. Negotiators sometimes become such placators they appear wishy-washy to the point of spinelessness. Because they're not willing to confront, they can turn to backstabbing. With their need to examine all the possibilities, they can get bogged down in rumination as opposed to action. And in a relationship, their desire to connect and dissect all the subtle meanings between the two of you can become cloying and invasive.

MY THOUGHTS

for a while there i thought i'm a negotiator. i love connecting and dissecting a relationship. but i doubt i am 'mentally flexible'. i hate ambiguity. and i don't like 'not confronting'.

Dating Mistake #8 - BEING A CRITIC IN BED

Dating Mistake #8 - BEING A CRITIC IN BED

from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011

Mistake #8: Being a critic in bed
Just like women, guys bare more than their bodies during sex – they also expose their egos.

So, acting annoyed when he doesn’t satisfy you won’t rev up your sex life.

Dating tip: Instead, gently let him know he’s missed the mark, says Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Newport Beach, Calif.

But keep this conversation out of the bedroom, where he’ll feel especially vulnerable.

And don’t wait weeks or months to have it.

“By that time, you’ll be resentful and he’ll be distressed,” Buehler says. “And you both will have a rough time fixing your sex life.”

Also, avoid comparing him to old boyfriends during the talk.

“Don’t say how well-endowed your ex-boyfriend was or how long he lasted,” she adds. “Telling him that you’ve had better lovers will only make him feel bad about himself.”

MY THOUGHTS

terrible, terrible subject!

Dating Mistake #3 - BEING NEEDY

DATING MISTAKE # 3 - BEING NEEDY

Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011

Mistake #3: Being needy
You may think the occasional “thinking of you” text is OK, but consider the total amount of emotional messages you’re sending his way.

Blitzing him with calls, emails and other constant communication is another common relationship problem. It can make a man think you need him too much and can’t do anything without his input.

And that gives most men the heebie-jeebies.
Michelle R. Callahan, Ph.D., a New York City-based developmental psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success (Three Rivers Press, 2010), calls this type of woman “Miss Anaconda” because “she smothers her partner to death.”

She forgets that both partners need time away from each other, Callahan says.

Smothering can also mean making continuous demands on his time, Newman adds.

“Such requests – like, I need you to have dinner with my friends on Saturday, shop for a gift for my niece, or put up my bookcases – expect too much from a new relationship,” she says.

These requests are particularly unwelcome if your date doesn’t like to be cornered, she says.

“Anything that eats into his free time on a constant basis will feel like too much.”

Dating tip: Limit your texts to one or two a day and try to space out special requests. If his eyes start to dart toward the door, simply back down and change topics.

MY THOUGHTS

have you been an anaconda at some point? maybe a baby anaconda but still an anaconda? read this article over and over if you don't want your one and only to slip (or run) away.

DATING MISTAKE # 2 - Putting Your Digital Life First

Dating Mistake # 2 PUTTING YOUR DIGITAL LIFE FIRST
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011

Mistake #2: Putting your digital life first
Many of us are guilty of digital multi-tasking – chatting on the cell phone during dinner, texting a BFF from our date’s car, surfing the web in bed.

But if your face is typically blocked by a screen, your new beau may turn his attention elsewhere, relationship experts say.

“The person you’re dating feels completely discounted,” Lieberman says. “It’s totally intrusive in a relationship – it tells the guy he’s not important.”

Plus, interrupting your dates for calls or texts broadcasts that you’re too “popular,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist. “It’s really a social cue you’re giving. A man gets the impression this is too hard – that it’s not worth the effort.”

Also, constantly updating your online status can show you’re more interested in yourself – and how you come across to your friends – than in him.

“If you’re using Facebook or Twitter every five minutes, you send this idea that you’re self-absorbed and that you have to tell everyone what you’re doing all the time,” she says.

Dating tip: Activate your phone’s silent mode or, if you’re expecting an important work or family call, slip away to another room and discreetly answer texts or emails there.

MY THOUGHTS

i hope my frequent posting is not being construed as an FB addiction. i don't even have to open my facebook account to send out these posts. why am i justifying this?

the issue is, you have to know you priorities? if you cannot live without your cellphone, are you ready to lose your partner?

Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT

Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT
from: Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
www.lifescript.com

What makes a nice guy run? Sometimes it’s the blunders we make trying to be oh-so-perfect: texting incessantly, mothering him, oversharing. In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship experts offer their top dating tips…

You’re head-over-heels for your new guy: He’s smart, funny, handsome and totally into you. That is, until the day he stops calling.

Everything seemed perfect – so what happened?

Often, what we see as romantic bonding 101 – exchanging “I love you’s” on the first date, spending lazy Sundays in our PJs, swapping sexual histories – backfires in real life.

Aiming for perfection “brings so much tension and expectation to the relationship,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist. And, she explains, that can sour a new romance before it even really starts.

Here are the 10 most common dating mistakes and how to avoid them:

Mistake #1: Forcing a commitment
If you’re just getting to know someone, pushing for exclusive status – requesting his apartment key, saying “I love you,” or naming your future children – may elicit a hasty retreat.

It’s probably the No. 1 relationship-killer, says Linnda Durré, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Orlando, Fla. “It’s such a turn-off [for men], they will run to the nearest exit.”

And social networking has made it even easier to apply commitment pressure.

For example, rushing to change your status to “in a relationship” on Facebook, posting photos of the two of you, or chatting about your “cool new boyfriend,” can cause a real relationship problem, Lieberman says.

Though subtle, this type of pressure still sends a powerful message that you’re on a different wavelength from your partner.

Dating tip: Waiting before committing your devotion actually benefits women, research shows.

A study published in the January 2009 Journal of Theoretical Biology suggests that longer courtships offer women a better chance of picking a good mate, such as one who will help take care of the children.

MY THOUGHTS

this is too much. getting commitment on the first date? changing your fb relationship status after a single date? i don't know. i just can't imagine a girl or a woman making this kind of mistake. not in this country,anyway.

PARALYSIS CAUSED BY "hickey"

Woman partially paralyzed after “love bite”
by Neharika Sabharwal - January 22, 2011

http://www.themedguru.com/20110122/newsfeature/woman-partially-paralyzed-after-love-bite-86143425.html

Who would have thought that kissing, biting, or sucking by an amorous partner around the neck would turn out to be dangerous.

In a rather bizarre incident, a 44-year-old Maori woman was rushed to the emergency department of Middlemore Hospital in Auckland with partial paralysis after receiving a “love bite” on her neck by an ardent lover.

A few days after the moment of passion, the woman experienced numbness in her left arm while she was watching television.

Stroke caused by love-bite
It was quite evident to the medics the woman had suffered a small stroke, but they were baffled as to what had caused the physical trauma.

The only injury was a fading hickey on the right side of the woman's neck. A thorough examination revealed that a major artery [a blood vessel that carries oxygenated blood away from the heart to the body.] had been damaged.

The doctors believe the woman’s lover had applied excess suction over her internal carotid artery while biting, which resulted in blood clot.

The clot in the artery later got dislodged and travelled to the woman's heart causing a minor stroke which in turn led to partial loss of movement.

Dr Teddy Whu, one of the doctors who treated the woman stated, “Because it was a love bite, there would be a lot of suction.”

He added,"To my knowledge, it's the first time someone has been hospitalised by a "hickey".

The incident which occurred last year has been reported in the latest issue of the 'New Zealand Medical Journal.'

MY THOUGHTS

click on the title to read the whole story, especially how the woman was treated.

Happy Couples Fight

Happy Couples Fight
Don't Avoid Conflict

By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide

Every married couple will have disagreements. One of the keys to a successful relationship is knowing how to handle conflict. Avoiding conflict, walking on egg shells so to speak, being afraid of rocking the boat, or keeping peace at any price will hurt your marriage.

How to Handle Conflict in Your Marriage
Here are some ways to handle marital disputes and resolve differences:

* Make sure you clarify what it is you are discussing.

* If either of you are too angry to discuss the situation or problem, then set a time to get together later to discuss it.

* Be flexible and open to other solutions than your own. A willingness to compromise is important.

* Don't push one another's buttons. Don't be sarcastic or attack one another's self image.

* Don't interrupt one another. Listen. Be aware of your own body language and what it may be saying.

* Talk in a calm, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing.

* Remember that a fair argument can enhance a marriage. Fight for your marriage, not to win.

MY THOUGHTS

"don't feel like your walking on eggs. if i need telling off tell me off. then we can have our fight. then make up and love again." - well, that's an excerpt from the poem - "please don't promise me forever". beautiful poem. beautiful thought.

Happiness in Marriage

Happiness in Marriage
Don't Depend on Marriage to Bring You Happiness
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide

One of the myths about marriage is that marriage will make you happy. That's not true. Marriage alone cannot bring you happiness.

A Happy Marriage Comes From Within
Your happiness both as an individual and as a married partner must come from within yourself. Being married can add to your happiness, but it is not and can not be the primary source of your happiness.

"... getting married is not necessarily the key to achieving eternal bliss. Most people were no more satisfied with life after marriage than they were prior to marriage in a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology."
Source: Anne Becker. "Marriage Is Not the Key to Happiness." PsychologyToday.com. 3/18/2003.

A Few Strategies for Creating a Happier You and a Happy Marriage

* Like yourself.
* Be yourself.
* Be nice to one another.
* Show mutual respect.
* Be supportive of each other.
* Agree to have fair fights.
* Each evening, share with one another three happy things that you noticed during the day. Talk about why these moments of happiness occurred.
* Both of you write down how you want to be remembered. Talk with your spouse about how the way you are living your lives helps or takes away from what's important to you both.
* Make a list of things that make you happy such as a sunny day, a hot bath, a child's laugh. Create ways to include these happy times in your life more often.
* Do a random act of kindness not only for a stranger each day, but also for one another. Don't talk about these acts of kindness with one another. They are for your own personal self-esteem and growth.
* Fill your own emotional needs.
* Compliment and affirm your spouse.

Word of Caution
We are not saying that you can create a happy marriage when there is infidelity, abuse, lying, etc.

If you are in a dysfunctional marriage, please seek professional counseling so you can make an informed and rational decision as to whether or not your marriage is worth saving.

MY THOUGHTS

so, i hope you're not in a dysfunctional marriage. work on these tips, then. yes, work. some people think, saying "i do" is enough. real work comes after the vows. and more work is required when your wedding photos start to fade. when bulging tummies, double chins and sagging (i was going to say cheeks!) share that old creaky bed each night. it's so easy to fall out of love in the everyday mundane things of a married life. once you do, it's a lot harder to try and fall in love all over again. if you're married and you have not seen the movie fireproof, please do.

Your Head and Your Heart

Your Head and Your Heart
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published January 03, 2011

When it comes to matters of love, are you the type of person who uses your head or your heart to qualify a mate? In other words, are you more analytical or instinctual? There are pros and cons to each, but the best way to evaluate the suitability of a mate is a combination of the two. A balance of head and heart provides the best information for important life decisions like this.

On the one hand, a strict analytical approach gives you the cold hard facts that you need, but it doesn’t take into account the wonderful intangibles that make your heart pound and knees shake. Conversely, the absence of any analytical input leaves you solely with your gut instincts. I find this often gets people into trouble. The heart has a natural tendency to ignore facts. For example, a woman sent me a message about her boyfriend’s sudden departure after a three-year relationship. She said that her friends and family warned her about him and that even she could see some signs (analytical head information), but she refused to believe them (emotional heart information).

If you're wrestling with a relationship issue today, give attention to both of these variables and consider them as you ponder your decision. Happiness in a relationship does not come from what you want… it comes from what you get!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

MY THOUGHTS

i know! it's too early for VDay. and this is nothing new. just consider this a reminder then. i was a "heart pound, knees shake person". i guess i still am. and it's so easy to tell someone to use her head and see the signs. that's hard to do when your head's in the clouds. even when the clouds are dark and sinister. just wait for that cloud to burst. maybe she'll learn after the storm. or maybe not. in any case, it's better to have... (blah!blah!blah!)

What's your inner traffic light when it comesto relationships?

The Traffic Light
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published November 05, 2010

Traffic lights serve a very important role: They help us safely maneuver through traffic in order to avoid accidents and potential injuries involving other people around us. As I sat at a red light the other day, I realized that we all have a traffic light in our minds too.

We all have an internal traffic light, but we don’t always pay attention to it. When it comes to dealing with people in your life, how well is your internal traffic light working? When it comes to choosing friends and lovers, do you typically approach these personal life intersections with caution and occasionally yield or stop? Or do you ignore the caution and stop signs that appear in your mind and only see a green light when it comes to allowing people into your life? If you want to improve the overall flow of your life and have more fulfilling relationships, I suggest that you pay attention to that internal traffic light. This way you can avoid those crash-and-burn relationships. Remember, it’s no accident that some people tend to have healthier relationships more than others!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

MY THOUGHTS

now i have something toreally think about? is my internal traffic light green, yellow or red? i know for sure that as i got older i used the red traffic light on some people. i wanted quality friendsand not so-called friends. and i'm all "green" with the handful that i've kept. and yes for new people i meet, yellow it is. until the green light comes on again.

8 Mistakes Men Make with Womenin Relationships

8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009

What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…

Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.

Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.

The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.

Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.

Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)

“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”

Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?

Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.

Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.

Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.

“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”

And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.

The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”

Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?

When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.

“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”

How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.

So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?

The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.

Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.

Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.

When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)

This extends even to bedroom activities.

This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.

Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.

The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?

And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.

“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”

Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.

They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.

“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.

The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.

The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”

The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.

Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.

Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?

As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.

When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.

But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.

We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.

The Fix: He has to speak up.

“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.

Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.

Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.

“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”

But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.

“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.

The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.

“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.

Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.

For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.

“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”

So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?

The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.

Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.

Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.

“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”

That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.

The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.

But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.

MY THOUGHTS

“The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.” - this is my favorite. i really don't need to explain why.

what would love do?

What Would Love Do?
By Mike Robbins
Original

When answering life's difficult questions, it's important to call on love! Get three new strategies to keep in mind when you're making tough choices and feeling powerless.

Recently, I was reminded of the powerful idea of asking the question, "What would love do?" when making decisions or facing
challenges in life. When I think about my own life and some of the places where I find myself struggling, stressed out, worried or stuck right now, I can see that instead of asking what love would do, I'm often asking other less inspiring questions to myself like, "What should I do?" "What's the right thing to do?" "What's wrong with me (or them)?" or various other versions of these types of questions. Can you relate?

What if we did actually ask ourselves, "What would love do?" in all of the important areas of our lives, especially the most challenging ones? I bet that would dramatically alter not only how we relate to those people and circumstances, but also would alter what we did and said and ultimately how we felt.

We have the opportunity to pause and reflect on ourselves, our lives and where we are. Letting love lead the way, especially right now, is something that will benefit most of us and can allow us to listen to a deeper aspect of who we really are.

Everything I write about, speak about and teach is really all about love. I sometimes find myself a little shy, embarrassed or self-conscious to come right out and say it—somehow fearing that love seems too soft, too personal, too intimate or too mysterious. However, being authentic and being appreciative , and just about anything else we aspire to in life, are all about love—of ourselves, of others and of life itself. Love, I believe, is the most powerful force in the universe—yet so many of us, myself included, almost apologize for talking about it, thinking about it and wanting to have it play a lead role in our lives.

As we interact with (or avoid) our families, in-laws, friends and even strangers on the street or in stores or restaurants over these next few days and weeks, ask yourself, "What would love do?" As we sit back and reflect on this past year and begin to plan, dream and prepare for the year ahead, what would love do? As we relate to ourselves in the midst of all of this, what would love do?

3 things to think about when you're making a decision

As Karen Drucker says in her beautiful song "What Would Love Do," "Love has all the answers. Love makes no demands. Love will lead me to the truth and help me to understand…that life is all about love."

Here are a few things to think about, as this relates to some of the areas and aspects of life where you may be challenged at the moment:

Pick a challenging or difficult aspect of your life right now. What's going on and how do you feel about this situation or relationship? More specifically, what kinds of questions are you asking yourself about this? The quality of the answers we receive in life is directly related to the quality of the questions we ask.

Ask yourself, "What would love do?" This may be an easy or difficult question for you to ask yourself about this specific situation or relationship. Allow yourself to hang out in this powerful inquiry and see what shows up. You may have lots of ideas or insights, or not. However, asking yourself this empowering question will almost surely give you deeper awareness and insight for what you could do if you allowed love to lead the way. Take bold and loving action, based on your answer to this question. Allow yourself to ponder and consider this question
long enough that you really feel it in your bones. The paradox here is that it's not so much about what you do; it's more about where it comes from. If it truly comes from a deep place of love within you, you'll know it, feel it and it will be the right thing to do. Trust yourself and your heart—and then be willing to take the risk and put yourself out there.

These days, so many of us are ripe with opportunities to practice asking ourselves the bold question, "What would love do?"

If we're courageous enough to ask, to truly listen to the answers we receive and to act on them from a place of real love, compassion and truth, we will have the opportunity to transform our lives and relationships in a real and profound way.

Let's do it…with love!

Mike Robbins is a best-selling author, sought-after motivational keynote speaker and personal growth expert who works with

people and groups of all kinds. Robbins is the author of the best-selling books Focus on the Good Stuff and Be Yourself:

Everyone Else Is Already Taken . He and his work have been featured on ABC News , in Forbes , Ladies Home Journal , Self

and many others.

MY THOUGHTS:

what would love do - now that will certainly change the way i look at things and the way i respond.this is not going to be easy especially when one is expected to respond immediately. to ask that question every time you need to respond or make a
decision would entail always stopping for awhile to think before acting. and this would be double hard for people like me who shoot from the hips - until the question becomes a part of me. i will need a miracle here.

Making Love Last

Make Romance Last
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | November 18, 2009


I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.

We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.

The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months toâ??at bestâ??three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.

We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romanceâ??with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.

What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.

Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.

Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.

This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.

Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.

What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!

There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.

And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.

MY THOUGHTS

SO, THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE LOVE LAST. BUT WE NEED TO WORK ON IT. IT'S NOT AUTOMATIC AND IT'S NOT YOUR PARTNER'S RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S YOURS! IF YOUR PARTNER IS NOT DOING HIS/HER SHARE, LET GOD HANDLE THAT FOR YOU. LOVE CAN LAST. I KNOW....

getting along with in-laws

How to Get Along with Your In-Laws

By Francesca Di Meglio, About.com Guide

Finding your place in a new family is probably one of the hardest parts of marriage. In-laws can be intimidating at first. They have their own values, beliefs, and traditions. They feel they've loved your husband or wife longer than you have and know what's best for him or her. And you're the new kid on the block. Sometimes, in-laws are loving and welcoming. Sometimes, in-laws are defensive because they feel like you're crowding their territory. Often, they are both. But there is hope for your relationship with your in-laws. Here's a guide on how to get along with your in-laws -

Step One - Get to know your in-laws.

When you decide to seriously date and then marry a person, you must make it a point to open your heart and mind to his or her family. When invited to the home of your in-laws, you must talk to your hosts. Make conversation. Ask questions about the family history. Offer to help set the table

Step Two - Find your niche in the family.

Once you know everyone, and everyone knows you, you must find your niche in the family. That means you need to determine where you fit in and what you can contribute. No one wants to be the black sheep. Your husband or wife can help you get along with his or her family. Your spouse, for instance, can introduce you to cousin Stella, who enjoys knitting as much as you do. Or your husband can encourage his mom to invite you to the annual girls day at the spa that she has with her daughters and nieces. Your spouse can also smooth things over if you're ever misunderstood by the in-laws. All these things go a long way to helping you find your place and determine the kind of relationship you'll have with your in-laws.

Step Three - Establish relationships with your in-laws.

Often, people tip-toe around issues rather than coming out and saying what is on their minds. Instead of assuming that your in-laws would like this type or that type of relationship with you, you should just come out and ask them. Discuss the particulars of your relationship, such as whether you'd be comfortable calling them mom and dad or the limits you'd like to set when it comes to family visits and advice about housekeeping and parenting. If you discuss these issues up front, then they should be less of a problem for everyone down the road.

Step Four - Stop the meddling mother-in-law.

Pushy mothers-in-law are the subject of many jokes, but they are also a reality for many families. Not everyone has to deal with this step. But a meddling mother-in-law can wreak havoc on a couple's relationship. They can cause arguments between husband and wife, make their in-laws feel like outsiders or as though they're being judged, and they can try to steal center stage. Most of the time, their intentions are good. They think they are helping the couple. Or they feel left out of their child's new married life. Fear of losing a child can drive a mother to do crazy things. Patience and understanding can get you all through this difficult transitional phase.

Step Five - Resolve in-law problems.

Families breed love, but they also breed problems. There are growing pains whenever someone new enters the family dynamic. Then, there are also other problems, ones you often start to face when you're planning your wedding -- from divorced parents who put their kid (your spouse) in the middle of their arguments to parents who never thought anyone, not even you, was good enough for their son or daughter. Besides these problems, there are issues that arise everyday about things, such as how you're raising your kids or where you'll spend the holidays. All of these problems require a resolution. To solve problems, you have to be able to communicate openly and diplomatically.

MY THOUGHTS

In-laws. This is one issue that appears to be very challenging to a lot of people. However, I am finding less and less people having this problem. Maybe I've moved to a more mature circle. Or maybe this issue has ceased to be a priority. Some may have just left it as part of life. While others have learned to do the four steps - "get to know your in-laws, find your niche in the family, stop the meddling mother-in-law, resolve in-law problems". These steps sound logical. Easy? Well, it will take a lot of emotional investments and prayers and adding another step - "Do unto others". You can be the "new kid in the block". And you will also have new kids in your block. Go figure.