Will You Make Sense of Your Relationship and Stay With a Cheating Husband?

Making sense of relationships is hard enough as it is.  Throw in a cheating husband (or wife or partner) and it becomes much, much harder.  Dr.  Slake has some good thoughts here.  But this is a subject that's highly debatable.  And why not?  Why not debate on it?  Especially if it's about making sense of relationships?

Q&A – Should I Stay With My Cheating Husband?

Daily Inspiration

By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach

Published July 19, 2012

 

Q: Last August I found out that my husband of 26 years was having an affair. We separated at the time, during which I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I’m currently in therapy. After six weeks we got back together, until I learned the affair had continued. He now says he wants to work on us, but he’s still seeing this girl. What should I do?

-B. W.

A: Hi B,

You’ve certainly had your share of tough times in recent months and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation after 26 years of marriage. Because of the breakdown and attempted suicide that you shared, I’m also relieved to see that you’re currently seeing a therapist. My instincts tell me that it will take more than a brief and surface level exchange with me to help you find your way through all of this heartache, betrayal and disappointment.

Because your husband has been dishonest with you about seeing this woman twice, I’m reminded of that old saying, Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me. However, because you’ve been married for 26 years, I understand your desire to try to work this out and stay together. I tend to judge people by what they do more than by what they say and, as a result, I’d have great difficulty trusting this man again. On the other hand, if you honestly believe that he’s sincere and you want to give it another go, I would absolutely insist that marital therapy for the both of you be an integral part of the reconciliation agreement.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

www.innerdiet.com

Follow Dr. Sklare on Health Bistro!

Stressed? Angry? Not over your ex? Email your question to Dr. Sklare to get expert advice! Ask Dr. Sklare
 

My Thoughts

 

People get their hearts broken.  That's  part of loving.   That's why making sense of relationships is important.  People need to know how to deal with heartbreak.  Otherwise, it's the relationship that would break.

Dealing with cheating is something else.  It breaks, not only the heart.  It breaks the person.  Easier if there were no wedding vows.  But when you promised to love and to hold, the issue of "let no man put asunder" comes in.

I used to think that this is impossible: to forgive and let God take care of the healing.  But it happens.  I've seen a lot of couples get over the "cheating" and they are now happy.  I've seen the pain of staying with the "cheater", but the obedience to God's directions really do pay off.

God gave us the wisdom, and the will, to do what we can in making sense of relationships.  But it's Him, only Him, who can truly make sense of our relationships for us. 

What Do You Prefer in YOur Relationship: WORDS OR ACTIONS?

Words Versus Action
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published December 10, 2010

There are two separate but distinct kinds of emails that I receive from people who are struggling in their relationships: Those whose significant other says he or she loves them but doesn’t show it, and those whose significant other shows love but never says it.

Personally, I tend to judge people more by what they do than by what they say. However, the ideal relationship contains a healthy mix of both of these. But some people get all words and others get all actions. Today I ask you to reflect on which two modes of loving communication you most appreciate. In other words, even though both are important, what’s more important to you in an intimate relationship? Is it what your lover says or does?

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

What's more important to me in a relationship?  If I have to choose between words and actions, I'd probably go for the latter. Who doesn't want to feel that you're loved?.  Who wouldn't want to be showered with love?  Still, it's nice to hear, every so often, what the other person feels.  Why does it have to be a choice between the two?  I believe you can have both.  It's not impossible.  But if you are in a relationship where you have one but not the other, be thankful.  Be very thankful.  Some people have not even experienced either one.

STILL IN LOVE WITH THE EX?

Q&A – Is He Still in Love with His Ex?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published August 30, 2007

Q: My husband wants to stay friends with his ex-wife.  He always wants to go over to her house to visit her and keep an eye on her, even if it means messing up our plans.  Is he still in love with her? He tells me no, but he says he’s all that she has.  What do I do?

-Diane C.

A: Hi Diane,

I don’t blame you one bit for being alarmed and concerned about this behavior – it would bother me, too.  The amount of time and attention he’s giving to his ex-wife makes me wonder about his feelings for her.  Of course, there is no way for me to know if he still “loves” her, but I tend to judge people on what they do as opposed to what they say. If he constantly attends to her needs at the expense of your needs and the needs of your relationship, there’s definitely a problem. Either he still has feelings for her or she is a master manipulator. But his behavior is clearly saying that you come second and will continue to as long as YOU permit it.

I suggest another strong heart-to-heart talk with him about this. If that gets you nowhere, make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start working on this immediately.  If he refuses to go to counseling, go by yourself!  It’s time for him to start acting like what a good husband should be – yours.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

Does she even need to ask?  Duh!

WHEN A HUSBAND DOESN'T SHARE HIS FEELINGS

Q&A – Help! My Husband Doesn’t Share His Feelings
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published May 05, 2011

Q: How do you deal with a husband who doesn’t share his thoughts and feelings with you?

-Erica S.

A: Hi Erica,

You ask a great question about a communication issue that lies at the center of many women’s heartache. Your husband is like a lot of men in this way. For some women, this poses no problem because they’re perfectly happy with a man who simply loves and cares for them through action. Others, like you, need something much deeper from their mate than mere physical displays of love.

Sometimes you can draw out more thoughts and feelings from your man through friendly and playful probing. However, for most men, the reluctance to engage in intimate communication is the result of a lifetime of behaving this way. Some people get involved in couples groups that specialize in strengthening communication skills, or you can start short-term marital counseling. You can’t make someone open up, but you can do everything possible to set the stage for that to happen. The good news is that these are skills that can be learned if the student is willing and the environment is safe.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

MY THOUGHTS

I belong the  "other" group.  And in all my encounters with men, I found one.  Just one man who have no qualms about sharing his thoughts and feelings.  Whatever they were. It was truly endearing. And refreshing.  And actually liberating to be allowed into those inner thoughts and feelings that are so different from mine.

MISTAKES MEN MAKE WITH WOMEN

8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009

What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…

Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.

Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.

The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.

Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.

Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)

“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”

Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?

Mistake #1: Not Listening

Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.

Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.

Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.

“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”

And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.

The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”

Mistake #2: Not Offering Help

We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?

When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.

“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”

How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.

So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?

The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.

Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.

Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike

Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.

When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)

This extends even to bedroom activities.

This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.

Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.

The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?

And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.

“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”

Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’

Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.

They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.

“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.

The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.

The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”

The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.

Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.

Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate

It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?

As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.

When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.

But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.

We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.

The Fix: He has to speak up.

“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.

Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.

Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’

A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.

“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”

But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.

“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.

The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.

“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.

Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions

For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.

For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.

“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”

So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?

The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.

Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate

DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.

Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.

“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”

That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.

The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.

But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.

MY THOUGHTS

If you're cursing your partner while you're reading this article, you should read it again and try to have a different perspective. Initially, I thought men should be reading this. When I got to mistake #3 ('thinking men and women are alike'), I started to think of the mistakes I've made rather than that of a former partner. Mistake # 5 (failing to communicate) made me realize both men and women should be reading this. Afte rall, communication is supposed to run along a 2-way street.

I'll have to agree that Dr. Love knows what she's talking about. She hit so many spots. I'd say it's like a bingo blackout.

The real problem is that men and women fail to recognize that although they are genetically, culturally and socially different, they are meant to be together to thresh out these differences.

Dating Mistake #8 - BEING A CRITIC IN BED

Dating Mistake #8 - BEING A CRITIC IN BED

from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011

Mistake #8: Being a critic in bed
Just like women, guys bare more than their bodies during sex – they also expose their egos.

So, acting annoyed when he doesn’t satisfy you won’t rev up your sex life.

Dating tip: Instead, gently let him know he’s missed the mark, says Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Newport Beach, Calif.

But keep this conversation out of the bedroom, where he’ll feel especially vulnerable.

And don’t wait weeks or months to have it.

“By that time, you’ll be resentful and he’ll be distressed,” Buehler says. “And you both will have a rough time fixing your sex life.”

Also, avoid comparing him to old boyfriends during the talk.

“Don’t say how well-endowed your ex-boyfriend was or how long he lasted,” she adds. “Telling him that you’ve had better lovers will only make him feel bad about himself.”

MY THOUGHTS

terrible, terrible subject!

Dating Mistake #3 - BEING NEEDY

DATING MISTAKE # 3 - BEING NEEDY

Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011

Mistake #3: Being needy
You may think the occasional “thinking of you” text is OK, but consider the total amount of emotional messages you’re sending his way.

Blitzing him with calls, emails and other constant communication is another common relationship problem. It can make a man think you need him too much and can’t do anything without his input.

And that gives most men the heebie-jeebies.
Michelle R. Callahan, Ph.D., a New York City-based developmental psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success (Three Rivers Press, 2010), calls this type of woman “Miss Anaconda” because “she smothers her partner to death.”

She forgets that both partners need time away from each other, Callahan says.

Smothering can also mean making continuous demands on his time, Newman adds.

“Such requests – like, I need you to have dinner with my friends on Saturday, shop for a gift for my niece, or put up my bookcases – expect too much from a new relationship,” she says.

These requests are particularly unwelcome if your date doesn’t like to be cornered, she says.

“Anything that eats into his free time on a constant basis will feel like too much.”

Dating tip: Limit your texts to one or two a day and try to space out special requests. If his eyes start to dart toward the door, simply back down and change topics.

MY THOUGHTS

have you been an anaconda at some point? maybe a baby anaconda but still an anaconda? read this article over and over if you don't want your one and only to slip (or run) away.

DATING MISTAKE # 2 - Putting Your Digital Life First

Dating Mistake # 2 PUTTING YOUR DIGITAL LIFE FIRST
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011

Mistake #2: Putting your digital life first
Many of us are guilty of digital multi-tasking – chatting on the cell phone during dinner, texting a BFF from our date’s car, surfing the web in bed.

But if your face is typically blocked by a screen, your new beau may turn his attention elsewhere, relationship experts say.

“The person you’re dating feels completely discounted,” Lieberman says. “It’s totally intrusive in a relationship – it tells the guy he’s not important.”

Plus, interrupting your dates for calls or texts broadcasts that you’re too “popular,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist. “It’s really a social cue you’re giving. A man gets the impression this is too hard – that it’s not worth the effort.”

Also, constantly updating your online status can show you’re more interested in yourself – and how you come across to your friends – than in him.

“If you’re using Facebook or Twitter every five minutes, you send this idea that you’re self-absorbed and that you have to tell everyone what you’re doing all the time,” she says.

Dating tip: Activate your phone’s silent mode or, if you’re expecting an important work or family call, slip away to another room and discreetly answer texts or emails there.

MY THOUGHTS

i hope my frequent posting is not being construed as an FB addiction. i don't even have to open my facebook account to send out these posts. why am i justifying this?

the issue is, you have to know you priorities? if you cannot live without your cellphone, are you ready to lose your partner?

Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT

Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT
from: Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
www.lifescript.com

What makes a nice guy run? Sometimes it’s the blunders we make trying to be oh-so-perfect: texting incessantly, mothering him, oversharing. In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship experts offer their top dating tips…

You’re head-over-heels for your new guy: He’s smart, funny, handsome and totally into you. That is, until the day he stops calling.

Everything seemed perfect – so what happened?

Often, what we see as romantic bonding 101 – exchanging “I love you’s” on the first date, spending lazy Sundays in our PJs, swapping sexual histories – backfires in real life.

Aiming for perfection “brings so much tension and expectation to the relationship,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist. And, she explains, that can sour a new romance before it even really starts.

Here are the 10 most common dating mistakes and how to avoid them:

Mistake #1: Forcing a commitment
If you’re just getting to know someone, pushing for exclusive status – requesting his apartment key, saying “I love you,” or naming your future children – may elicit a hasty retreat.

It’s probably the No. 1 relationship-killer, says Linnda Durré, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Orlando, Fla. “It’s such a turn-off [for men], they will run to the nearest exit.”

And social networking has made it even easier to apply commitment pressure.

For example, rushing to change your status to “in a relationship” on Facebook, posting photos of the two of you, or chatting about your “cool new boyfriend,” can cause a real relationship problem, Lieberman says.

Though subtle, this type of pressure still sends a powerful message that you’re on a different wavelength from your partner.

Dating tip: Waiting before committing your devotion actually benefits women, research shows.

A study published in the January 2009 Journal of Theoretical Biology suggests that longer courtships offer women a better chance of picking a good mate, such as one who will help take care of the children.

MY THOUGHTS

this is too much. getting commitment on the first date? changing your fb relationship status after a single date? i don't know. i just can't imagine a girl or a woman making this kind of mistake. not in this country,anyway.

TRUE LOVE?

True Love
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 01, 2006

The Internet has brought many great advantages to our lives. However, It has also created a few problems as well. Take this E-mail that I received recently for example. A woman wrote, “I have sort of a problem. Yesterday morning I accidentally opened my boyfriend's browser instead of mine, and saw that he had been visiting all of these girlie sites. This really hurts my feelings. I looked at these girls. They are all blonde and like 110 pounds. I am brunette and waaaay overweight. I confronted him and he feels bad. Can you help?”

I think it’s very understandable that one would feel upset and hurt over this. But I did caution her not to blow this too far out of proportion. Now having said that, I must admit that since I had very limited knowledge about her and her boyfriend I can’t say for sure that she was blowing this out of proportion. This is something only she can know, but the point I want to make here is this. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other people that you think are slimmer and prettier, you are creating a life of dissatisfaction and misery.

The picture of one woman can never compare to the substance of another. As a professional who has worked with countless couples and as a man who has experienced deep love, I can attest to the fact that true love is never about the how one looks. Sure initial attraction is definitely about looks, but true love is all about substance. How one looks is a powerful magnet for attracting people to you but keeping them there requires a great deal more. Embrace your individuality and stop comparing yourself to idealistic and fantasy images of beauty! That’s your wellness message for today.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

wow! if someone i know had this experience and asked me whatshe should do, i wouldn't know what to say. if this happened to me i would probably blow it out of proportion. isn't that a form of cheating?

HOW TO MAKE ROMANCE LAST

How to Make Romance Last
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The truth about what keeps marriages together

I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.

We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.

The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to—at best—three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.

We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.

MY THOUGHTS

that's what i have - "positive illusions" and yes, "love blindness". i refuse to let go of my romantic side. i will probably take that to my grave. and i don't mind.

PARALYSIS CAUSED BY "hickey"

Woman partially paralyzed after “love bite”
by Neharika Sabharwal - January 22, 2011

http://www.themedguru.com/20110122/newsfeature/woman-partially-paralyzed-after-love-bite-86143425.html

Who would have thought that kissing, biting, or sucking by an amorous partner around the neck would turn out to be dangerous.

In a rather bizarre incident, a 44-year-old Maori woman was rushed to the emergency department of Middlemore Hospital in Auckland with partial paralysis after receiving a “love bite” on her neck by an ardent lover.

A few days after the moment of passion, the woman experienced numbness in her left arm while she was watching television.

Stroke caused by love-bite
It was quite evident to the medics the woman had suffered a small stroke, but they were baffled as to what had caused the physical trauma.

The only injury was a fading hickey on the right side of the woman's neck. A thorough examination revealed that a major artery [a blood vessel that carries oxygenated blood away from the heart to the body.] had been damaged.

The doctors believe the woman’s lover had applied excess suction over her internal carotid artery while biting, which resulted in blood clot.

The clot in the artery later got dislodged and travelled to the woman's heart causing a minor stroke which in turn led to partial loss of movement.

Dr Teddy Whu, one of the doctors who treated the woman stated, “Because it was a love bite, there would be a lot of suction.”

He added,"To my knowledge, it's the first time someone has been hospitalised by a "hickey".

The incident which occurred last year has been reported in the latest issue of the 'New Zealand Medical Journal.'

MY THOUGHTS

click on the title to read the whole story, especially how the woman was treated.

Happy Couples Fight

Happy Couples Fight
Don't Avoid Conflict

By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide

Every married couple will have disagreements. One of the keys to a successful relationship is knowing how to handle conflict. Avoiding conflict, walking on egg shells so to speak, being afraid of rocking the boat, or keeping peace at any price will hurt your marriage.

How to Handle Conflict in Your Marriage
Here are some ways to handle marital disputes and resolve differences:

* Make sure you clarify what it is you are discussing.

* If either of you are too angry to discuss the situation or problem, then set a time to get together later to discuss it.

* Be flexible and open to other solutions than your own. A willingness to compromise is important.

* Don't push one another's buttons. Don't be sarcastic or attack one another's self image.

* Don't interrupt one another. Listen. Be aware of your own body language and what it may be saying.

* Talk in a calm, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing.

* Remember that a fair argument can enhance a marriage. Fight for your marriage, not to win.

MY THOUGHTS

"don't feel like your walking on eggs. if i need telling off tell me off. then we can have our fight. then make up and love again." - well, that's an excerpt from the poem - "please don't promise me forever". beautiful poem. beautiful thought.

Happiness in Marriage

Happiness in Marriage
Don't Depend on Marriage to Bring You Happiness
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide

One of the myths about marriage is that marriage will make you happy. That's not true. Marriage alone cannot bring you happiness.

A Happy Marriage Comes From Within
Your happiness both as an individual and as a married partner must come from within yourself. Being married can add to your happiness, but it is not and can not be the primary source of your happiness.

"... getting married is not necessarily the key to achieving eternal bliss. Most people were no more satisfied with life after marriage than they were prior to marriage in a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology."
Source: Anne Becker. "Marriage Is Not the Key to Happiness." PsychologyToday.com. 3/18/2003.

A Few Strategies for Creating a Happier You and a Happy Marriage

* Like yourself.
* Be yourself.
* Be nice to one another.
* Show mutual respect.
* Be supportive of each other.
* Agree to have fair fights.
* Each evening, share with one another three happy things that you noticed during the day. Talk about why these moments of happiness occurred.
* Both of you write down how you want to be remembered. Talk with your spouse about how the way you are living your lives helps or takes away from what's important to you both.
* Make a list of things that make you happy such as a sunny day, a hot bath, a child's laugh. Create ways to include these happy times in your life more often.
* Do a random act of kindness not only for a stranger each day, but also for one another. Don't talk about these acts of kindness with one another. They are for your own personal self-esteem and growth.
* Fill your own emotional needs.
* Compliment and affirm your spouse.

Word of Caution
We are not saying that you can create a happy marriage when there is infidelity, abuse, lying, etc.

If you are in a dysfunctional marriage, please seek professional counseling so you can make an informed and rational decision as to whether or not your marriage is worth saving.

MY THOUGHTS

so, i hope you're not in a dysfunctional marriage. work on these tips, then. yes, work. some people think, saying "i do" is enough. real work comes after the vows. and more work is required when your wedding photos start to fade. when bulging tummies, double chins and sagging (i was going to say cheeks!) share that old creaky bed each night. it's so easy to fall out of love in the everyday mundane things of a married life. once you do, it's a lot harder to try and fall in love all over again. if you're married and you have not seen the movie fireproof, please do.

Your Head and Your Heart

Your Head and Your Heart
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published January 03, 2011

When it comes to matters of love, are you the type of person who uses your head or your heart to qualify a mate? In other words, are you more analytical or instinctual? There are pros and cons to each, but the best way to evaluate the suitability of a mate is a combination of the two. A balance of head and heart provides the best information for important life decisions like this.

On the one hand, a strict analytical approach gives you the cold hard facts that you need, but it doesn’t take into account the wonderful intangibles that make your heart pound and knees shake. Conversely, the absence of any analytical input leaves you solely with your gut instincts. I find this often gets people into trouble. The heart has a natural tendency to ignore facts. For example, a woman sent me a message about her boyfriend’s sudden departure after a three-year relationship. She said that her friends and family warned her about him and that even she could see some signs (analytical head information), but she refused to believe them (emotional heart information).

If you're wrestling with a relationship issue today, give attention to both of these variables and consider them as you ponder your decision. Happiness in a relationship does not come from what you want… it comes from what you get!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

MY THOUGHTS

i know! it's too early for VDay. and this is nothing new. just consider this a reminder then. i was a "heart pound, knees shake person". i guess i still am. and it's so easy to tell someone to use her head and see the signs. that's hard to do when your head's in the clouds. even when the clouds are dark and sinister. just wait for that cloud to burst. maybe she'll learn after the storm. or maybe not. in any case, it's better to have... (blah!blah!blah!)

8 Mistakes Men Make with Womenin Relationships

8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009

What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…

Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.

Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.

The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.

Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.

Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)

“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”

Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?

Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.

Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.

Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.

“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”

And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.

The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”

Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?

When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.

“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”

How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.

So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?

The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.

Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.

Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.

When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)

This extends even to bedroom activities.

This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.

Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.

The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?

And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.

“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”

Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.

They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.

“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.

The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.

The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”

The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.

Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.

Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?

As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.

When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.

But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.

We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.

The Fix: He has to speak up.

“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.

Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.

Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.

“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”

But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.

“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.

The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.

“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.

Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.

For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.

“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”

So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?

The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.

Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.

Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.

“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”

That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.

The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.

But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.

MY THOUGHTS

“The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.” - this is my favorite. i really don't need to explain why.

Making Love Last

Make Romance Last
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | November 18, 2009


I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.

We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.

The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months toâ??at bestâ??three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.

We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romanceâ??with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.

What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.

Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.

Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.

This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.

Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.

What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!

There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.

And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.

MY THOUGHTS

SO, THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE LOVE LAST. BUT WE NEED TO WORK ON IT. IT'S NOT AUTOMATIC AND IT'S NOT YOUR PARTNER'S RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S YOURS! IF YOUR PARTNER IS NOT DOING HIS/HER SHARE, LET GOD HANDLE THAT FOR YOU. LOVE CAN LAST. I KNOW....