Dating Mistake #10 - Bringing Along Baggage
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #10: Bringing along baggage
Your baggage may include a string of failed relationships that you fear repeating.
Dating tip: But your new guy doesn’t want to feel like a chapter in a bad romance novel. So dwelling on former flames may prompt him to put you in his past – fast.
Baggage can also refer a person’s overall worries and pessimistic outlook on life.
“We’ve all got [issues], but if you focus on them constantly, it will bring down the other partner,” says Jennifer Samp, Ph.D., a speech communication professor at the University of Georgia who has done research on relationships.
Plus, too many emotional issues could make him unsure about your future together.
Samp adds: “He’ll wonder if this is always going to be a negative relationship.”
MY THOUGHTS
that's not hard to imagine. but certainly hard to do. especially if you're on the rebound. people usually go through this cyle - fall in love, get hurt, try to fall in love immediately.i'm sure you know that doesn't work. the 'wise' way is to fall in love, get hurt, heal, then be ready to fall in love again. then you'll find that love is indeed beautiful.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Dating Mistake #9 - OVERSHARING
Dating Mistake #9 - OVERSHARING
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #9: Oversharing
Immediately disclosing major personal issues – like that your mother was an alcoholic, you have a chronic health condition or your kid is on drugs – can also push away a new suitor.
The first few weeks of the relationship aren’t the time to come clean about your burdens.
And relationship experts warn to be careful of overburdening your beau.
“When people are in love, they can take on a lot of the other person’s baggage,” she says.
Dating tip: Unless he’s ready to commit, learning all that personal information up front can feel like being hit by a tsunami – and lead to relationship disaster, she says, so sprinkle those breadcrumbs gingerly.
MY THOUGHTS
if i seriously want a guy to be a permanent fixture in my life, i would 'overshare' early on in the relationship. i would much rather he backs-off earlier than later. if he bulks at 'skeletons in my closet' and my 'dirty laundry' then i don't want him anywhere near me.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #9: Oversharing
Immediately disclosing major personal issues – like that your mother was an alcoholic, you have a chronic health condition or your kid is on drugs – can also push away a new suitor.
The first few weeks of the relationship aren’t the time to come clean about your burdens.
And relationship experts warn to be careful of overburdening your beau.
“When people are in love, they can take on a lot of the other person’s baggage,” she says.
Dating tip: Unless he’s ready to commit, learning all that personal information up front can feel like being hit by a tsunami – and lead to relationship disaster, she says, so sprinkle those breadcrumbs gingerly.
MY THOUGHTS
if i seriously want a guy to be a permanent fixture in my life, i would 'overshare' early on in the relationship. i would much rather he backs-off earlier than later. if he bulks at 'skeletons in my closet' and my 'dirty laundry' then i don't want him anywhere near me.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Dating Mistake #8 - BEING A CRITIC IN BED
Dating Mistake #8 - BEING A CRITIC IN BED
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #8: Being a critic in bed
Just like women, guys bare more than their bodies during sex – they also expose their egos.
So, acting annoyed when he doesn’t satisfy you won’t rev up your sex life.
Dating tip: Instead, gently let him know he’s missed the mark, says Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Newport Beach, Calif.
But keep this conversation out of the bedroom, where he’ll feel especially vulnerable.
And don’t wait weeks or months to have it.
“By that time, you’ll be resentful and he’ll be distressed,” Buehler says. “And you both will have a rough time fixing your sex life.”
Also, avoid comparing him to old boyfriends during the talk.
“Don’t say how well-endowed your ex-boyfriend was or how long he lasted,” she adds. “Telling him that you’ve had better lovers will only make him feel bad about himself.”
MY THOUGHTS
terrible, terrible subject!
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #8: Being a critic in bed
Just like women, guys bare more than their bodies during sex – they also expose their egos.
So, acting annoyed when he doesn’t satisfy you won’t rev up your sex life.
Dating tip: Instead, gently let him know he’s missed the mark, says Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Newport Beach, Calif.
But keep this conversation out of the bedroom, where he’ll feel especially vulnerable.
And don’t wait weeks or months to have it.
“By that time, you’ll be resentful and he’ll be distressed,” Buehler says. “And you both will have a rough time fixing your sex life.”
Also, avoid comparing him to old boyfriends during the talk.
“Don’t say how well-endowed your ex-boyfriend was or how long he lasted,” she adds. “Telling him that you’ve had better lovers will only make him feel bad about himself.”
MY THOUGHTS
terrible, terrible subject!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Dating Mistake #7 - SLACKING ON YOUR LOOKS
Dating Mistake #7 - SLACKING ON YOUR LOOKS
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #7: Slacking on your looks
No, he shouldn’t expect you to look picture-perfect 24/7. But morphing into a sloppy, un-showered version of your attractive self is a dating no-no.
Dating tip: “Hanging out in sweats with no makeup, going to sleep in flannel PJs, or not keeping your legs smooth are things that guys notice,” Lieberman says.
Women also tend to drop their personal upkeep after becoming secure in a relationship.
“They tell themselves that it’s irrelevant because ‘a guy loves me for me,’” she explains. “But the message they’re giving is [a man] is not important enough to make an effort for.”
MY THOUGHTS
uh-oh! never thought of it that way. i thought men like to see the natural "us'. but i will have to agree with the author here. try to remember how you feel when the man-in-your-life exerts the effort to look good for you. unless you're the paranoid, jealous type who will see this the wrong you.
you don't need to go to the parlor every time you have a date with your guy. you probably don't need to spend hours putting on false eye lashes. it's a simple as normal upkeep - brushing your teeth, combing your hair, clean clothes. nothing fancy. simple things that will tell your man he is not in love with a trash can.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #7: Slacking on your looks
No, he shouldn’t expect you to look picture-perfect 24/7. But morphing into a sloppy, un-showered version of your attractive self is a dating no-no.
Dating tip: “Hanging out in sweats with no makeup, going to sleep in flannel PJs, or not keeping your legs smooth are things that guys notice,” Lieberman says.
Women also tend to drop their personal upkeep after becoming secure in a relationship.
“They tell themselves that it’s irrelevant because ‘a guy loves me for me,’” she explains. “But the message they’re giving is [a man] is not important enough to make an effort for.”
MY THOUGHTS
uh-oh! never thought of it that way. i thought men like to see the natural "us'. but i will have to agree with the author here. try to remember how you feel when the man-in-your-life exerts the effort to look good for you. unless you're the paranoid, jealous type who will see this the wrong you.
you don't need to go to the parlor every time you have a date with your guy. you probably don't need to spend hours putting on false eye lashes. it's a simple as normal upkeep - brushing your teeth, combing your hair, clean clothes. nothing fancy. simple things that will tell your man he is not in love with a trash can.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Dating Mistake #6
Dating Mistake #6 - TEXTING YOUR TROUBLES
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #6: Texting your troubles
Women wary of confrontation may try to prevent arguments by bringing up sore spots in texts and emails, instead of face-to-face or via phone.
But all this tactic does is stop true intimacy, says Callahan.
Plus, “it’s cowardly to avoid what needs to be talked about,” she adds.
Dating tip: To take your romance to the next level, you need to up your communication method – by picking up the phone, she adds.
“When you’re building a relationship, you’ve got to have a conversation,” she explains. “There’s only so much you can cover in 160 characters [the maximum length of a text].”
MY THOUGHTS
what is this article saying? if you have issues, drum up the courage to do it face-to-face. printed word may be easier. but remember the power of non-verbal communications. misunderstandings can still happen even while you are looking at each other's eyes. but it's harder to clear things out when you don't have body language and facial expressions to back-up your assumptions.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #6: Texting your troubles
Women wary of confrontation may try to prevent arguments by bringing up sore spots in texts and emails, instead of face-to-face or via phone.
But all this tactic does is stop true intimacy, says Callahan.
Plus, “it’s cowardly to avoid what needs to be talked about,” she adds.
Dating tip: To take your romance to the next level, you need to up your communication method – by picking up the phone, she adds.
“When you’re building a relationship, you’ve got to have a conversation,” she explains. “There’s only so much you can cover in 160 characters [the maximum length of a text].”
MY THOUGHTS
what is this article saying? if you have issues, drum up the courage to do it face-to-face. printed word may be easier. but remember the power of non-verbal communications. misunderstandings can still happen even while you are looking at each other's eyes. but it's harder to clear things out when you don't have body language and facial expressions to back-up your assumptions.
Dating Mistake #5 - MOTHERING THE GUY
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #5: Being his “mom”
Those small things we do for our guy – cook dinner, buy him a new tie, drop off his dry-cleaning – can lead to mothering.
That “dooms the relationship, because you’re setting it up in an unbalanced way," Callahan says.
“He’ll always depend on you more than he should,” Lieberman adds.
Some women think their guy’s life is lacking – and swoop in maternally to make things all better, Callahan says. Others may be working out issues from childhood, such as having an absent father, Lieberman adds.
Dating tip: Be affectionate, but stop running his errands and picking his dirty clothes up off the floor. Remember, he’s a grown man and somehow made it this far in life alive and (occasionally) well-dressed.
MY THOUGHTS
what if he really needs help? doing your boyfriend's laundry is too much (my point of view), but picking up his laundry when he's awfully busy seems to be okay. cooking for him once in a while? i don't see anything wrong, especially when he helps out with the dirty dishes. after all, you ask him to drive you around, go shopping (something most men hate) with you, etc.etc.
what's the point? it's supposed to be give and take. nothing overboard. but if you feel like you're a house help already, time to run. and to stop running errands. that's not love. that's abuse.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #5: Being his “mom”
Those small things we do for our guy – cook dinner, buy him a new tie, drop off his dry-cleaning – can lead to mothering.
That “dooms the relationship, because you’re setting it up in an unbalanced way," Callahan says.
“He’ll always depend on you more than he should,” Lieberman adds.
Some women think their guy’s life is lacking – and swoop in maternally to make things all better, Callahan says. Others may be working out issues from childhood, such as having an absent father, Lieberman adds.
Dating tip: Be affectionate, but stop running his errands and picking his dirty clothes up off the floor. Remember, he’s a grown man and somehow made it this far in life alive and (occasionally) well-dressed.
MY THOUGHTS
what if he really needs help? doing your boyfriend's laundry is too much (my point of view), but picking up his laundry when he's awfully busy seems to be okay. cooking for him once in a while? i don't see anything wrong, especially when he helps out with the dirty dishes. after all, you ask him to drive you around, go shopping (something most men hate) with you, etc.etc.
what's the point? it's supposed to be give and take. nothing overboard. but if you feel like you're a house help already, time to run. and to stop running errands. that's not love. that's abuse.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Dating Mistake #4 - BANNING GUY TIME
Dating Mistake #4 - BANNING GUY TIME
From the Artricle "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #4: Banning “guy time”
Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean he should drop his friends.
Much like women sometimes need a “girls’ night out,” guys want space and time to pursue their own interests, says Callahan.
So, whether you flat out veto his boys-only poker night, or just sulk when he leaves to watch the game with his buddies, “it’ll lead to a power struggle,” she says.
And that struggle often results in the opposite of what you wanted, causing an even bigger relationship issue.
Discouraging time away from each other can also end up backfiring.
“He’ll resent it, and sometimes he might even just do it to spite you,” Callahan says.
Dating tip: When he schedules a night with the guys, use that time to do something you like – perhaps yoga, a movie with the girls or a trip to the nail salon.
MY THOUGHTS
it all boils down to trust and the company your boyfriend keeps. drinking and beer houses are certainly not my idea of a for-the-boys night out. well, then this means your dating mistake #4 will depend on the kind of guy you hitched for a partner. you'd better think this one through.
From the Artricle "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #4: Banning “guy time”
Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean he should drop his friends.
Much like women sometimes need a “girls’ night out,” guys want space and time to pursue their own interests, says Callahan.
So, whether you flat out veto his boys-only poker night, or just sulk when he leaves to watch the game with his buddies, “it’ll lead to a power struggle,” she says.
And that struggle often results in the opposite of what you wanted, causing an even bigger relationship issue.
Discouraging time away from each other can also end up backfiring.
“He’ll resent it, and sometimes he might even just do it to spite you,” Callahan says.
Dating tip: When he schedules a night with the guys, use that time to do something you like – perhaps yoga, a movie with the girls or a trip to the nail salon.
MY THOUGHTS
it all boils down to trust and the company your boyfriend keeps. drinking and beer houses are certainly not my idea of a for-the-boys night out. well, then this means your dating mistake #4 will depend on the kind of guy you hitched for a partner. you'd better think this one through.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Dating Mistake #3 - BEING NEEDY
DATING MISTAKE # 3 - BEING NEEDY
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #3: Being needy
You may think the occasional “thinking of you” text is OK, but consider the total amount of emotional messages you’re sending his way.
Blitzing him with calls, emails and other constant communication is another common relationship problem. It can make a man think you need him too much and can’t do anything without his input.
And that gives most men the heebie-jeebies.
Michelle R. Callahan, Ph.D., a New York City-based developmental psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success (Three Rivers Press, 2010), calls this type of woman “Miss Anaconda” because “she smothers her partner to death.”
She forgets that both partners need time away from each other, Callahan says.
Smothering can also mean making continuous demands on his time, Newman adds.
“Such requests – like, I need you to have dinner with my friends on Saturday, shop for a gift for my niece, or put up my bookcases – expect too much from a new relationship,” she says.
These requests are particularly unwelcome if your date doesn’t like to be cornered, she says.
“Anything that eats into his free time on a constant basis will feel like too much.”
Dating tip: Limit your texts to one or two a day and try to space out special requests. If his eyes start to dart toward the door, simply back down and change topics.
MY THOUGHTS
have you been an anaconda at some point? maybe a baby anaconda but still an anaconda? read this article over and over if you don't want your one and only to slip (or run) away.
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #3: Being needy
You may think the occasional “thinking of you” text is OK, but consider the total amount of emotional messages you’re sending his way.
Blitzing him with calls, emails and other constant communication is another common relationship problem. It can make a man think you need him too much and can’t do anything without his input.
And that gives most men the heebie-jeebies.
Michelle R. Callahan, Ph.D., a New York City-based developmental psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success (Three Rivers Press, 2010), calls this type of woman “Miss Anaconda” because “she smothers her partner to death.”
She forgets that both partners need time away from each other, Callahan says.
Smothering can also mean making continuous demands on his time, Newman adds.
“Such requests – like, I need you to have dinner with my friends on Saturday, shop for a gift for my niece, or put up my bookcases – expect too much from a new relationship,” she says.
These requests are particularly unwelcome if your date doesn’t like to be cornered, she says.
“Anything that eats into his free time on a constant basis will feel like too much.”
Dating tip: Limit your texts to one or two a day and try to space out special requests. If his eyes start to dart toward the door, simply back down and change topics.
MY THOUGHTS
have you been an anaconda at some point? maybe a baby anaconda but still an anaconda? read this article over and over if you don't want your one and only to slip (or run) away.
Friday, February 11, 2011
DATING MISTAKE # 2 - Putting Your Digital Life First
Dating Mistake # 2 PUTTING YOUR DIGITAL LIFE FIRST
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #2: Putting your digital life first
Many of us are guilty of digital multi-tasking – chatting on the cell phone during dinner, texting a BFF from our date’s car, surfing the web in bed.
But if your face is typically blocked by a screen, your new beau may turn his attention elsewhere, relationship experts say.
“The person you’re dating feels completely discounted,” Lieberman says. “It’s totally intrusive in a relationship – it tells the guy he’s not important.”
Plus, interrupting your dates for calls or texts broadcasts that you’re too “popular,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist. “It’s really a social cue you’re giving. A man gets the impression this is too hard – that it’s not worth the effort.”
Also, constantly updating your online status can show you’re more interested in yourself – and how you come across to your friends – than in him.
“If you’re using Facebook or Twitter every five minutes, you send this idea that you’re self-absorbed and that you have to tell everyone what you’re doing all the time,” she says.
Dating tip: Activate your phone’s silent mode or, if you’re expecting an important work or family call, slip away to another room and discreetly answer texts or emails there.
MY THOUGHTS
i hope my frequent posting is not being construed as an FB addiction. i don't even have to open my facebook account to send out these posts. why am i justifying this?
the issue is, you have to know you priorities? if you cannot live without your cellphone, are you ready to lose your partner?
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #2: Putting your digital life first
Many of us are guilty of digital multi-tasking – chatting on the cell phone during dinner, texting a BFF from our date’s car, surfing the web in bed.
But if your face is typically blocked by a screen, your new beau may turn his attention elsewhere, relationship experts say.
“The person you’re dating feels completely discounted,” Lieberman says. “It’s totally intrusive in a relationship – it tells the guy he’s not important.”
Plus, interrupting your dates for calls or texts broadcasts that you’re too “popular,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist. “It’s really a social cue you’re giving. A man gets the impression this is too hard – that it’s not worth the effort.”
Also, constantly updating your online status can show you’re more interested in yourself – and how you come across to your friends – than in him.
“If you’re using Facebook or Twitter every five minutes, you send this idea that you’re self-absorbed and that you have to tell everyone what you’re doing all the time,” she says.
Dating tip: Activate your phone’s silent mode or, if you’re expecting an important work or family call, slip away to another room and discreetly answer texts or emails there.
MY THOUGHTS
i hope my frequent posting is not being construed as an FB addiction. i don't even have to open my facebook account to send out these posts. why am i justifying this?
the issue is, you have to know you priorities? if you cannot live without your cellphone, are you ready to lose your partner?
Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT
Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT
from: Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
www.lifescript.com
What makes a nice guy run? Sometimes it’s the blunders we make trying to be oh-so-perfect: texting incessantly, mothering him, oversharing. In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship experts offer their top dating tips…
You’re head-over-heels for your new guy: He’s smart, funny, handsome and totally into you. That is, until the day he stops calling.
Everything seemed perfect – so what happened?
Often, what we see as romantic bonding 101 – exchanging “I love you’s” on the first date, spending lazy Sundays in our PJs, swapping sexual histories – backfires in real life.
Aiming for perfection “brings so much tension and expectation to the relationship,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist. And, she explains, that can sour a new romance before it even really starts.
Here are the 10 most common dating mistakes and how to avoid them:
Mistake #1: Forcing a commitment
If you’re just getting to know someone, pushing for exclusive status – requesting his apartment key, saying “I love you,” or naming your future children – may elicit a hasty retreat.
It’s probably the No. 1 relationship-killer, says Linnda Durré, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Orlando, Fla. “It’s such a turn-off [for men], they will run to the nearest exit.”
And social networking has made it even easier to apply commitment pressure.
For example, rushing to change your status to “in a relationship” on Facebook, posting photos of the two of you, or chatting about your “cool new boyfriend,” can cause a real relationship problem, Lieberman says.
Though subtle, this type of pressure still sends a powerful message that you’re on a different wavelength from your partner.
Dating tip: Waiting before committing your devotion actually benefits women, research shows.
A study published in the January 2009 Journal of Theoretical Biology suggests that longer courtships offer women a better chance of picking a good mate, such as one who will help take care of the children.
MY THOUGHTS
this is too much. getting commitment on the first date? changing your fb relationship status after a single date? i don't know. i just can't imagine a girl or a woman making this kind of mistake. not in this country,anyway.
from: Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
www.lifescript.com
What makes a nice guy run? Sometimes it’s the blunders we make trying to be oh-so-perfect: texting incessantly, mothering him, oversharing. In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship experts offer their top dating tips…
You’re head-over-heels for your new guy: He’s smart, funny, handsome and totally into you. That is, until the day he stops calling.
Everything seemed perfect – so what happened?
Often, what we see as romantic bonding 101 – exchanging “I love you’s” on the first date, spending lazy Sundays in our PJs, swapping sexual histories – backfires in real life.
Aiming for perfection “brings so much tension and expectation to the relationship,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist. And, she explains, that can sour a new romance before it even really starts.
Here are the 10 most common dating mistakes and how to avoid them:
Mistake #1: Forcing a commitment
If you’re just getting to know someone, pushing for exclusive status – requesting his apartment key, saying “I love you,” or naming your future children – may elicit a hasty retreat.
It’s probably the No. 1 relationship-killer, says Linnda Durré, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Orlando, Fla. “It’s such a turn-off [for men], they will run to the nearest exit.”
And social networking has made it even easier to apply commitment pressure.
For example, rushing to change your status to “in a relationship” on Facebook, posting photos of the two of you, or chatting about your “cool new boyfriend,” can cause a real relationship problem, Lieberman says.
Though subtle, this type of pressure still sends a powerful message that you’re on a different wavelength from your partner.
Dating tip: Waiting before committing your devotion actually benefits women, research shows.
A study published in the January 2009 Journal of Theoretical Biology suggests that longer courtships offer women a better chance of picking a good mate, such as one who will help take care of the children.
MY THOUGHTS
this is too much. getting commitment on the first date? changing your fb relationship status after a single date? i don't know. i just can't imagine a girl or a woman making this kind of mistake. not in this country,anyway.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
TRUE LOVE?
True Love
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 01, 2006
The Internet has brought many great advantages to our lives. However, It has also created a few problems as well. Take this E-mail that I received recently for example. A woman wrote, “I have sort of a problem. Yesterday morning I accidentally opened my boyfriend's browser instead of mine, and saw that he had been visiting all of these girlie sites. This really hurts my feelings. I looked at these girls. They are all blonde and like 110 pounds. I am brunette and waaaay overweight. I confronted him and he feels bad. Can you help?”
I think it’s very understandable that one would feel upset and hurt over this. But I did caution her not to blow this too far out of proportion. Now having said that, I must admit that since I had very limited knowledge about her and her boyfriend I can’t say for sure that she was blowing this out of proportion. This is something only she can know, but the point I want to make here is this. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other people that you think are slimmer and prettier, you are creating a life of dissatisfaction and misery.
The picture of one woman can never compare to the substance of another. As a professional who has worked with countless couples and as a man who has experienced deep love, I can attest to the fact that true love is never about the how one looks. Sure initial attraction is definitely about looks, but true love is all about substance. How one looks is a powerful magnet for attracting people to you but keeping them there requires a great deal more. Embrace your individuality and stop comparing yourself to idealistic and fantasy images of beauty! That’s your wellness message for today.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
wow! if someone i know had this experience and asked me whatshe should do, i wouldn't know what to say. if this happened to me i would probably blow it out of proportion. isn't that a form of cheating?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 01, 2006
The Internet has brought many great advantages to our lives. However, It has also created a few problems as well. Take this E-mail that I received recently for example. A woman wrote, “I have sort of a problem. Yesterday morning I accidentally opened my boyfriend's browser instead of mine, and saw that he had been visiting all of these girlie sites. This really hurts my feelings. I looked at these girls. They are all blonde and like 110 pounds. I am brunette and waaaay overweight. I confronted him and he feels bad. Can you help?”
I think it’s very understandable that one would feel upset and hurt over this. But I did caution her not to blow this too far out of proportion. Now having said that, I must admit that since I had very limited knowledge about her and her boyfriend I can’t say for sure that she was blowing this out of proportion. This is something only she can know, but the point I want to make here is this. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other people that you think are slimmer and prettier, you are creating a life of dissatisfaction and misery.
The picture of one woman can never compare to the substance of another. As a professional who has worked with countless couples and as a man who has experienced deep love, I can attest to the fact that true love is never about the how one looks. Sure initial attraction is definitely about looks, but true love is all about substance. How one looks is a powerful magnet for attracting people to you but keeping them there requires a great deal more. Embrace your individuality and stop comparing yourself to idealistic and fantasy images of beauty! That’s your wellness message for today.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
wow! if someone i know had this experience and asked me whatshe should do, i wouldn't know what to say. if this happened to me i would probably blow it out of proportion. isn't that a form of cheating?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
HOW TO MAKE ROMANCE LAST
How to Make Romance Last
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The truth about what keeps marriages together
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to—at best—three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
MY THOUGHTS
that's what i have - "positive illusions" and yes, "love blindness". i refuse to let go of my romantic side. i will probably take that to my grave. and i don't mind.
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The truth about what keeps marriages together
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to—at best—three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
MY THOUGHTS
that's what i have - "positive illusions" and yes, "love blindness". i refuse to let go of my romantic side. i will probably take that to my grave. and i don't mind.
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