Q&A – How Can I Make Sure My Marriage Lasts?
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published September 15, 2011
www.lifescript.com
Q: My fiancé and I are getting married this February and have both had our share of toxic relationships. Our relationship has been the healthiest we’ve ever had. We are deeply in love and want our marriage to last. We’re already planning on premarital counseling with our pastor, but do you have any advice on having a happy, healthy and monogamous marriage?
-Jennifer H.
A: Hi Jennifer,
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. There are few things in life more satisfying, fulfilling and health-promoting than finding that special someone to share your life with. The key is to do all that you can to keep love alive and to mutually help it thrive. Let me first say that I have a very good feeling about your approaching marriage. I say that because you show an awareness of what an unhealthy and toxic relationship looks like and you demonstrate great wisdom by committing to pre-marital counseling. So you wonder what else you can do to improve your odds for success.
I have one suggestion that I feel strongly about and that my professional experience tells me works very well. One of the most powerful and subtle things you can do to improve your odds for a successful marriage is to have married friends who are in happy and healthy relationships. There’s something to be said about that old adage… birds of feather flock together!
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
Follow Dr. Sklare on Health Bistro!
MY THOUGHTS
Making sense of relationships, especially marriage, requires effort. It's not like instant coffee or noodles where you simply put hot water and, voila, you have something to sip or eat.
I've seen a lot of marriages that ended up in annulment and divorce. But I've seen more that has withstood the test of time, so to speak. They can tell you all sorts of do's and don'ts. But the best one I've heard is having God in the center of the relationship. It's not going to be rosy. But you'll get to smell the roses despite the thorns.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
What Will You Do If Your Son Won't Talk to You
Q&A - Help! My Son Won't Talk To Me
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published September 06, 2011
Q: I’m having a hard time having a relationship with my 19-year-old son because of his live-in girlfriend. She’s very disrespectful to me. When I tried to talk to her about it, it ended in a screaming match, and then my son won’t talk to me or visit. I love him and miss him. What can I do to repair the relationship?
-Cindy B.
A: Hi Cindy,
I’m sorry to hear about this situation with your son and I can only imagine how upsetting and heartbreaking this must be for you. Unfortunately, when our children’s minds and hearts become intimately involved with another, these kinds of emotional dramas often arise. From your son’s young 19-year-old point of view, I’m sure he’s struggling a bit with the balance of wanting to be a man to his woman while still being a son to his mother. My experience tells me that this issue will most likely resolve itself in time as your son matures. In the meantime, I have a few thoughts.
If I were you, I’d do my best to keep my cool and find creative ways to see my son alone. I’d be cautious about saying anything negative about his girlfriend and I wouldn’t respond to her disrespectful comments with anger or disgust. Take the high road, Cindy, and model the behavior you want to see because, at the end of the day, I believe your son will come around and you’ll regain that close relationship you once had with him.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
Follow Dr. Sklare on Health Bistro!
MY THOUGHTS
This is really a frustrating situation. But a real one. My question is why is the son still saying with the man? If he can't leave home because he's still dependent on his mom, what right does he have to be angry? And the girl friend screaming? And they are not yet married? I cannot comprehend. Maybe I'm still stuck in the past. Or living in a dream world. I really don't know.
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published September 06, 2011
Q: I’m having a hard time having a relationship with my 19-year-old son because of his live-in girlfriend. She’s very disrespectful to me. When I tried to talk to her about it, it ended in a screaming match, and then my son won’t talk to me or visit. I love him and miss him. What can I do to repair the relationship?
-Cindy B.
A: Hi Cindy,
I’m sorry to hear about this situation with your son and I can only imagine how upsetting and heartbreaking this must be for you. Unfortunately, when our children’s minds and hearts become intimately involved with another, these kinds of emotional dramas often arise. From your son’s young 19-year-old point of view, I’m sure he’s struggling a bit with the balance of wanting to be a man to his woman while still being a son to his mother. My experience tells me that this issue will most likely resolve itself in time as your son matures. In the meantime, I have a few thoughts.
If I were you, I’d do my best to keep my cool and find creative ways to see my son alone. I’d be cautious about saying anything negative about his girlfriend and I wouldn’t respond to her disrespectful comments with anger or disgust. Take the high road, Cindy, and model the behavior you want to see because, at the end of the day, I believe your son will come around and you’ll regain that close relationship you once had with him.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
Follow Dr. Sklare on Health Bistro!
MY THOUGHTS
This is really a frustrating situation. But a real one. My question is why is the son still saying with the man? If he can't leave home because he's still dependent on his mom, what right does he have to be angry? And the girl friend screaming? And they are not yet married? I cannot comprehend. Maybe I'm still stuck in the past. Or living in a dream world. I really don't know.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Tips to Help your Partner Relieve Stress
5 tips to help your man manage stress
6:05 AM, Aug. 13, 2011
In a time when a dwindling economy has led to more job insecurity and crazier work schedules, men are feeling increasingly stressed to hold down a job and bring in an income, according to a recent study by the New York-based Work and Family Institute.
But helping your boyfriend or husband manage those stresses isn't difficult - from the expert advice of Cosmopolitan Magazine, you can learn a few simple tricks to help him see the brighter side of things.
STOCK UP ON SNACKS. When your man is stressed, reach for the chips and keep 'em coming. By munching on his favorite crunchy snack, he'll actually get a subtle stress release from bodily tensions, similar to squeezing a stress ball, according to Kathleen Hall, founder of The Stress Institute.
KEEP A SLIGHT DISTANCE. A clingy girlfriend is the last thing a man wants when he is stressed. However, there is a way to stay close and help alleviate tension. According to Hall, research shows that a man begins to produce oxytocin - the affectionate chemical - at high levels when he is 3 feet away from a woman. So, give him some space but stay close. When you're sitting on the couch, ensure you're just barely touching. He'll begin to feel closer to you without realizing it.
CHALLENGE HIM TO A GAME. Hall suggests Wii Tennis, but any similar activity will produce the same results: By tapping into his competitive side, he'll not only forget about work stresses but his body also will release happy-inducing chemicals, like serotonin.
MAKE IT A COCKTAIL HOUR. Although you can't jet off on a vacation every time life gets a little stressful, you can try to recreate the carefree experience by serving him a fruity cocktail that will make him think of white beaches, not work.
GET A LAUGH. Because men often react more to visual stimulus, you can help him unwind by putting something funny directly in his face. Look up a hilarious YouTube video and share it with him during the day. Even better, if you watch it together, your smile will help brighten his day.
MY THOUGHTS
A stressed partner is hard for relationships. If we want our relationships to work, we need to be sensitive to our partners. We should be aware of his stress levels and try to be supportive instead of causing more stress. Honestly, I think your ability to lessen th stress depends on your partner and what relaxes him. Some would like to talk about their problems. Some would prefer to stay off the subject. Others would like to sleep it off. While for others, being active will do the trick. If your efforts don't seem to work, don't take it personally. That will lead to more stress for the both of you.
6:05 AM, Aug. 13, 2011
In a time when a dwindling economy has led to more job insecurity and crazier work schedules, men are feeling increasingly stressed to hold down a job and bring in an income, according to a recent study by the New York-based Work and Family Institute.
But helping your boyfriend or husband manage those stresses isn't difficult - from the expert advice of Cosmopolitan Magazine, you can learn a few simple tricks to help him see the brighter side of things.
STOCK UP ON SNACKS. When your man is stressed, reach for the chips and keep 'em coming. By munching on his favorite crunchy snack, he'll actually get a subtle stress release from bodily tensions, similar to squeezing a stress ball, according to Kathleen Hall, founder of The Stress Institute.
KEEP A SLIGHT DISTANCE. A clingy girlfriend is the last thing a man wants when he is stressed. However, there is a way to stay close and help alleviate tension. According to Hall, research shows that a man begins to produce oxytocin - the affectionate chemical - at high levels when he is 3 feet away from a woman. So, give him some space but stay close. When you're sitting on the couch, ensure you're just barely touching. He'll begin to feel closer to you without realizing it.
CHALLENGE HIM TO A GAME. Hall suggests Wii Tennis, but any similar activity will produce the same results: By tapping into his competitive side, he'll not only forget about work stresses but his body also will release happy-inducing chemicals, like serotonin.
MAKE IT A COCKTAIL HOUR. Although you can't jet off on a vacation every time life gets a little stressful, you can try to recreate the carefree experience by serving him a fruity cocktail that will make him think of white beaches, not work.
GET A LAUGH. Because men often react more to visual stimulus, you can help him unwind by putting something funny directly in his face. Look up a hilarious YouTube video and share it with him during the day. Even better, if you watch it together, your smile will help brighten his day.
MY THOUGHTS
A stressed partner is hard for relationships. If we want our relationships to work, we need to be sensitive to our partners. We should be aware of his stress levels and try to be supportive instead of causing more stress. Honestly, I think your ability to lessen th stress depends on your partner and what relaxes him. Some would like to talk about their problems. Some would prefer to stay off the subject. Others would like to sleep it off. While for others, being active will do the trick. If your efforts don't seem to work, don't take it personally. That will lead to more stress for the both of you.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
What Do You Prefer in YOur Relationship: WORDS OR ACTIONS?
Words Versus Action
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published December 10, 2010
There are two separate but distinct kinds of emails that I receive from people who are struggling in their relationships: Those whose significant other says he or she loves them but doesn’t show it, and those whose significant other shows love but never says it.
Personally, I tend to judge people more by what they do than by what they say. However, the ideal relationship contains a healthy mix of both of these. But some people get all words and others get all actions. Today I ask you to reflect on which two modes of loving communication you most appreciate. In other words, even though both are important, what’s more important to you in an intimate relationship? Is it what your lover says or does?
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
What's more important to me in a relationship? If I have to choose between words and actions, I'd probably go for the latter. Who doesn't want to feel that you're loved?. Who wouldn't want to be showered with love? Still, it's nice to hear, every so often, what the other person feels. Why does it have to be a choice between the two? I believe you can have both. It's not impossible. But if you are in a relationship where you have one but not the other, be thankful. Be very thankful. Some people have not even experienced either one.
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published December 10, 2010
There are two separate but distinct kinds of emails that I receive from people who are struggling in their relationships: Those whose significant other says he or she loves them but doesn’t show it, and those whose significant other shows love but never says it.
Personally, I tend to judge people more by what they do than by what they say. However, the ideal relationship contains a healthy mix of both of these. But some people get all words and others get all actions. Today I ask you to reflect on which two modes of loving communication you most appreciate. In other words, even though both are important, what’s more important to you in an intimate relationship? Is it what your lover says or does?
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
What's more important to me in a relationship? If I have to choose between words and actions, I'd probably go for the latter. Who doesn't want to feel that you're loved?. Who wouldn't want to be showered with love? Still, it's nice to hear, every so often, what the other person feels. Why does it have to be a choice between the two? I believe you can have both. It's not impossible. But if you are in a relationship where you have one but not the other, be thankful. Be very thankful. Some people have not even experienced either one.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
LOVE MORE BY CARING LESS
How to Love More by Caring Less
By Martha Beck
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the July 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Now my whole family is abusing me!" said Loretta, a client at a women's resource center where I volunteered back in the '90s. "If I leave my husband, it'll just be out of the frying pan and into the fire."
"Are you—" I cut myself off before finishing my thought, which was, "Are you crazy?" Just the week before, I'd participated in an intervention where Loretta's family had urged her to leave her battering husband, Rex. Each person had expressed enormous love for and protectiveness toward Loretta. Now she thought they were all abusers? Huh?
"They're just like Rex," she said. "You saw it. They judge me. They criticize me. Nothing I do is enough for them."
I opened my mouth, then closed it. Opened then closed it again. I kept that up for about a minute, like a perplexed goldfish, as I groped for the right thing to say. It killed me that Loretta was interpreting her family's desire to rescue her as criticism and judgment. But even as I tried to come up with the kindest possible phrasing for "What the hell is wrong with you?" I knew my question would come across like a slap.
That's when it dawned on me that Loretta had a point. No, her family wasn't abusing her the way Rex did—and yet in its own way, their treatment of her must have felt like an attack. They weren't accepting her as she was. They needed her to change. They raised their voices, made demands, pushed hard. And their intense negative emotions were triggering her fear and defensiveness.
It was in the midst of processing all this that I suddenly heard myself say, "Well, Loretta, I just love you. I don't care what happens to you."
The statement shocked me as it left my lips. But even as I mentally smacked myself upside the head, a funny thing happened: Loretta visibly relaxed. I could feel my own anxiety vanishing, too, leaving a quiet space in which I could treat Loretta kindly. It was true—I really didn't care what happened to her. No matter what she did, I wouldn't love her one bit less.
Since then I've found that loving without caring is a useful approach—I'd venture to say the best approach—in most relationships, especially families. If you think that's coldhearted, think again. It may be time you let yourself love more by caring less.
Next: How does it work?
Detached Attachment
To care for someone can mean to adore them, feed them, tend their wounds. But care can also signify sorrow, as in "bowed down by cares." Or anxiety, as in "Careful!" Or investment in an outcome, as in "Who cares?" The word love has no such range of meaning: It's pure acceptance. Watching families like Loretta's taught me that caring—with its shades of sadness, fear, and insistence on specific outcomes—is not love. In fact, when care appears, unconditional love often vanishes.
When my son was first diagnosed with Down syndrome, I cared so much that my fear for his future overshadowed my joy at his existence. Now that I couldn't care less how many chromosomes the kid has, I can love him boundlessly. For you, loving without caring might mean staying calm when your sister gets divorced, or your dad starts smoking again, or your husband is laid off. You may think that in such situations not getting upset would be unloving. But consider: If you were physically injured, bleeding out, would you rather be with someone who screamed and swooned, or someone who stayed calm enough to improvise a tourniquet? Real healing, real love comes from people who are both totally committed to helping—and able to emotionally detach.
This is because, on an emotional level, our brains are designed to mirror one another. As a result, when we're anxious and controlling, other people don't respond with compliance; they reflect us by becoming—press the button when you get the right answer—anxious and controlling. Anger elicits anger, fear elicits fear, no matter how well meaning we may be. When Loretta's family insisted she leave Rex, she insisted on staying. When I told her I loved her without caring what happened, she mirrored my relaxation. That's when she began to request and absorb the advice I was now welcome to give.
Free to Be...Carefree
If you want to try loving without caring—and by now I hope you do—here's how to get there. Just be sure to buckle up. This may be a bumpy ride.
1. Choose a Subject
Think of a person you love, but about whom you feel some level of anxiety, anger, or sadness.
2. Identify What This Person Must Change to Make You Happy
Think about how your loved one must alter herself or her behavior before you can be content. Complete the sentence below by filling in the name of your loved one, the thing(s) you want this person to change, and the way you'd feel if the change occurred:
If _______ would only _______, then I could feel _______.
3. Accept a Radical Reality
Now scratch out the first clause of the sentence you just wrote, so all that remains is:
I could feel _______.
That last sentence, oh best beloved, is the truth. It is the whole truth. Yes, your loved one's cooperation would be lovely, but you don't absolutely need it to experience any given emotional state. This is incredibly hard to accept—it would be so easy to feel good if others would just do what we want, right? Nevertheless, you can feel sane even if your crazy-making brother stays crazy. You can feel peaceful even if your daughter robs a bank. If Helen Keller could write, after growing up deaf and blind, "I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad," then you can find a way to be happy even if your mother never does stop correcting your grammar.
Accepting that this is possible—that you can achieve a given emotional state even if a loved one doesn't conform to your wishes—is the key step to loving without caring. I'm not saying that such acceptance will make you instantly content. Creating ways to be happy is your life's work, a challenge that won't end until you die. We'll come back to that in a minute. For now, the goal is just to try believing, or merely hoping, that even if all your loved ones remain toxically insane forever, it's still possible you'll find opportunities to thrive and joys to embrace.
4. Shift Your Focus from Controlling Your Loved One's Behavior to Creating
Your Own Happiness
When I make this suggestion to my clients, they tend to take umbrage. "I always focus on creating my own happiness!" they insist. "That's precisely why I'm trying to get my grandchildren to visit, and my cat to stop biting, and Justin Bieber to engage with me in a mutually rewarding exchange of personal e-mails!"
Best of luck with that. Because as AA or any other 12-step group will tell you, sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people. This is the moment you become mentally free to start trying new ideas, building new relationships, experimenting to see what situations feel better than the hopeless deadlock of depending on change from someone you can't control.
Again, this is a lifelong project, a game of "You're getting warmer; you're getting colder" that stops only when you do. But the focus shift that helps you stop caring is like a little dance (drop hope of changing significant other, embrace determination to find alternative sources of peace and joy, step-ball-change) that immediately, reliably diverts your energy toward happiness and unconditional love.
The Payoff
Once we'd established that I didn't care what happened to Loretta, our work together finally became productive. In a follow-up family session, I had each relative tell all the others, "I love you unconditionally—I don't care what happens to you." We discussed ways in which each of them might begin creating personal happiness, regardless of Loretta's actions. And as the focus shifted off her, Loretta felt less pressured, less harried, more respected. Smiles and hugs appeared in place of tension and tears.
Supported by her loving, uncaring family, Loretta eventually triumphed: She left Rex, got a job, and found a healthier mate. As you support your significant others, they may realize this same spectacular success. Or not. You can be happy either way, so what do you care? You have the freedom to live and let live, to love and let love. Granting yourself that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things you can do for yourself and the people who matter to you. And if you disagree, I truly, respectfully, lovingly do not care.
Martha Beck is the author of six books, including Steering by Starlight (Rodale).
MY THOUGHTS
I had to read this over and over. Definitely requires thinking outside of the box. And actually doing, what this article suggests, will require more than just thinking. I just have to read it again. Am still not convinced.
By Martha Beck
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the July 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Now my whole family is abusing me!" said Loretta, a client at a women's resource center where I volunteered back in the '90s. "If I leave my husband, it'll just be out of the frying pan and into the fire."
"Are you—" I cut myself off before finishing my thought, which was, "Are you crazy?" Just the week before, I'd participated in an intervention where Loretta's family had urged her to leave her battering husband, Rex. Each person had expressed enormous love for and protectiveness toward Loretta. Now she thought they were all abusers? Huh?
"They're just like Rex," she said. "You saw it. They judge me. They criticize me. Nothing I do is enough for them."
I opened my mouth, then closed it. Opened then closed it again. I kept that up for about a minute, like a perplexed goldfish, as I groped for the right thing to say. It killed me that Loretta was interpreting her family's desire to rescue her as criticism and judgment. But even as I tried to come up with the kindest possible phrasing for "What the hell is wrong with you?" I knew my question would come across like a slap.
That's when it dawned on me that Loretta had a point. No, her family wasn't abusing her the way Rex did—and yet in its own way, their treatment of her must have felt like an attack. They weren't accepting her as she was. They needed her to change. They raised their voices, made demands, pushed hard. And their intense negative emotions were triggering her fear and defensiveness.
It was in the midst of processing all this that I suddenly heard myself say, "Well, Loretta, I just love you. I don't care what happens to you."
The statement shocked me as it left my lips. But even as I mentally smacked myself upside the head, a funny thing happened: Loretta visibly relaxed. I could feel my own anxiety vanishing, too, leaving a quiet space in which I could treat Loretta kindly. It was true—I really didn't care what happened to her. No matter what she did, I wouldn't love her one bit less.
Since then I've found that loving without caring is a useful approach—I'd venture to say the best approach—in most relationships, especially families. If you think that's coldhearted, think again. It may be time you let yourself love more by caring less.
Next: How does it work?
Detached Attachment
To care for someone can mean to adore them, feed them, tend their wounds. But care can also signify sorrow, as in "bowed down by cares." Or anxiety, as in "Careful!" Or investment in an outcome, as in "Who cares?" The word love has no such range of meaning: It's pure acceptance. Watching families like Loretta's taught me that caring—with its shades of sadness, fear, and insistence on specific outcomes—is not love. In fact, when care appears, unconditional love often vanishes.
When my son was first diagnosed with Down syndrome, I cared so much that my fear for his future overshadowed my joy at his existence. Now that I couldn't care less how many chromosomes the kid has, I can love him boundlessly. For you, loving without caring might mean staying calm when your sister gets divorced, or your dad starts smoking again, or your husband is laid off. You may think that in such situations not getting upset would be unloving. But consider: If you were physically injured, bleeding out, would you rather be with someone who screamed and swooned, or someone who stayed calm enough to improvise a tourniquet? Real healing, real love comes from people who are both totally committed to helping—and able to emotionally detach.
This is because, on an emotional level, our brains are designed to mirror one another. As a result, when we're anxious and controlling, other people don't respond with compliance; they reflect us by becoming—press the button when you get the right answer—anxious and controlling. Anger elicits anger, fear elicits fear, no matter how well meaning we may be. When Loretta's family insisted she leave Rex, she insisted on staying. When I told her I loved her without caring what happened, she mirrored my relaxation. That's when she began to request and absorb the advice I was now welcome to give.
Free to Be...Carefree
If you want to try loving without caring—and by now I hope you do—here's how to get there. Just be sure to buckle up. This may be a bumpy ride.
1. Choose a Subject
Think of a person you love, but about whom you feel some level of anxiety, anger, or sadness.
2. Identify What This Person Must Change to Make You Happy
Think about how your loved one must alter herself or her behavior before you can be content. Complete the sentence below by filling in the name of your loved one, the thing(s) you want this person to change, and the way you'd feel if the change occurred:
If _______ would only _______, then I could feel _______.
3. Accept a Radical Reality
Now scratch out the first clause of the sentence you just wrote, so all that remains is:
I could feel _______.
That last sentence, oh best beloved, is the truth. It is the whole truth. Yes, your loved one's cooperation would be lovely, but you don't absolutely need it to experience any given emotional state. This is incredibly hard to accept—it would be so easy to feel good if others would just do what we want, right? Nevertheless, you can feel sane even if your crazy-making brother stays crazy. You can feel peaceful even if your daughter robs a bank. If Helen Keller could write, after growing up deaf and blind, "I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad," then you can find a way to be happy even if your mother never does stop correcting your grammar.
Accepting that this is possible—that you can achieve a given emotional state even if a loved one doesn't conform to your wishes—is the key step to loving without caring. I'm not saying that such acceptance will make you instantly content. Creating ways to be happy is your life's work, a challenge that won't end until you die. We'll come back to that in a minute. For now, the goal is just to try believing, or merely hoping, that even if all your loved ones remain toxically insane forever, it's still possible you'll find opportunities to thrive and joys to embrace.
4. Shift Your Focus from Controlling Your Loved One's Behavior to Creating
Your Own Happiness
When I make this suggestion to my clients, they tend to take umbrage. "I always focus on creating my own happiness!" they insist. "That's precisely why I'm trying to get my grandchildren to visit, and my cat to stop biting, and Justin Bieber to engage with me in a mutually rewarding exchange of personal e-mails!"
Best of luck with that. Because as AA or any other 12-step group will tell you, sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people. This is the moment you become mentally free to start trying new ideas, building new relationships, experimenting to see what situations feel better than the hopeless deadlock of depending on change from someone you can't control.
Again, this is a lifelong project, a game of "You're getting warmer; you're getting colder" that stops only when you do. But the focus shift that helps you stop caring is like a little dance (drop hope of changing significant other, embrace determination to find alternative sources of peace and joy, step-ball-change) that immediately, reliably diverts your energy toward happiness and unconditional love.
The Payoff
Once we'd established that I didn't care what happened to Loretta, our work together finally became productive. In a follow-up family session, I had each relative tell all the others, "I love you unconditionally—I don't care what happens to you." We discussed ways in which each of them might begin creating personal happiness, regardless of Loretta's actions. And as the focus shifted off her, Loretta felt less pressured, less harried, more respected. Smiles and hugs appeared in place of tension and tears.
Supported by her loving, uncaring family, Loretta eventually triumphed: She left Rex, got a job, and found a healthier mate. As you support your significant others, they may realize this same spectacular success. Or not. You can be happy either way, so what do you care? You have the freedom to live and let live, to love and let love. Granting yourself that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things you can do for yourself and the people who matter to you. And if you disagree, I truly, respectfully, lovingly do not care.
Martha Beck is the author of six books, including Steering by Starlight (Rodale).
MY THOUGHTS
I had to read this over and over. Definitely requires thinking outside of the box. And actually doing, what this article suggests, will require more than just thinking. I just have to read it again. Am still not convinced.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
STILL IN LOVE WITH THE EX?
Q&A – Is He Still in Love with His Ex?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published August 30, 2007
Q: My husband wants to stay friends with his ex-wife. He always wants to go over to her house to visit her and keep an eye on her, even if it means messing up our plans. Is he still in love with her? He tells me no, but he says he’s all that she has. What do I do?
-Diane C.
A: Hi Diane,
I don’t blame you one bit for being alarmed and concerned about this behavior – it would bother me, too. The amount of time and attention he’s giving to his ex-wife makes me wonder about his feelings for her. Of course, there is no way for me to know if he still “loves” her, but I tend to judge people on what they do as opposed to what they say. If he constantly attends to her needs at the expense of your needs and the needs of your relationship, there’s definitely a problem. Either he still has feelings for her or she is a master manipulator. But his behavior is clearly saying that you come second and will continue to as long as YOU permit it.
I suggest another strong heart-to-heart talk with him about this. If that gets you nowhere, make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start working on this immediately. If he refuses to go to counseling, go by yourself! It’s time for him to start acting like what a good husband should be – yours.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
Does she even need to ask? Duh!
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published August 30, 2007
Q: My husband wants to stay friends with his ex-wife. He always wants to go over to her house to visit her and keep an eye on her, even if it means messing up our plans. Is he still in love with her? He tells me no, but he says he’s all that she has. What do I do?
-Diane C.
A: Hi Diane,
I don’t blame you one bit for being alarmed and concerned about this behavior – it would bother me, too. The amount of time and attention he’s giving to his ex-wife makes me wonder about his feelings for her. Of course, there is no way for me to know if he still “loves” her, but I tend to judge people on what they do as opposed to what they say. If he constantly attends to her needs at the expense of your needs and the needs of your relationship, there’s definitely a problem. Either he still has feelings for her or she is a master manipulator. But his behavior is clearly saying that you come second and will continue to as long as YOU permit it.
I suggest another strong heart-to-heart talk with him about this. If that gets you nowhere, make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start working on this immediately. If he refuses to go to counseling, go by yourself! It’s time for him to start acting like what a good husband should be – yours.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
Does she even need to ask? Duh!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER GET AWAY
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER GET AWAY
from the article "Renew Your Mother-Daughter Relationship"
Solve Mother-Daughter Relationship Problems
By Kat DeLong
Published January 23, 2008
"If your mother-daughter relationship has gone from blissful to bittersweet, you are not alone. As one of the most intense intergenerational relationships, the bond between a mother and daughter tends to strain during the teenage years and must adapt if the relationship is to survive. How old were you when your mother stopped being the perfect parent and became just a regular human being? The way both people adjust to their new roles is the key to building a strong foundation that will continue for the rest of their lives. Adapting to the new mother-daughter relationship doesn’t have to be difficult – it can be fun if you know where to look."
"One of the best ways to foster a more positive mother-daughter relationship is to start a tradition that will allow that relationship time and space to grow. And one of the best ways to do this is with a mother-daughter getaway that will remove both people from their ordinary lives and give them time to be together without day-to-day distractions. Whether you choose to go whitewater rafting or spend a week together at a spa, keep these tips in mind for a smoother and more rewarding experience.
* Go somewhere that is new to both of you. If one person has been to a destination before, there is a tendency for that person to “be the boss.” If it is a new experience for everyone, the playing field is leveled.
* Find a destination that is out of the ordinary, but appeals to both people. If your mother hates roller coasters and likes to relax, a class-four white-water rafting trip is probably going to add to the stress. At the same time, if the daughter likes constant action, a trip to a relaxing spa might not be the best idea. Pick an exciting city that has enough for both women – a trip to New Yorkhas activities that would suit almost any personality.
* Start small. If you’re not sure that a week alone is a good idea, take a long weekend road trip to a new destination. The point is to improve your mother-daughter relationship, not the amount of time you spend away.
* Do girly stuff together, even if you don’t usually. Facials, manicures andshopping are all great activities to do together. If it is not your idea of the best way to spend your day, try it anyway. You might just find that it is the time you spend together rather then your newly polished nails that are the reward.
* Try something that the other person likes to do. Stretch yourself so that you can see another side of your mother or daughter. You never know – a less strenuous rafting trip might end up being a lot of fun.
* Don’t go it alone. If the thought of spending one day completely alone together makes you anxious, bring some friends. Another mother-daughter pair can take the spotlight off your relationship and make everyone more relaxed. Just make sure that all parties will get along reasonably well.
* Lower your expectations. Life is not like the movies and you probably won’t experience many breakthroughs, but a getaway together can help you to see your mother or daughter outside of her normal roles. Try to enjoy your time together without looking for any “aha” moments.
* Remember that you are not joined at the hip. You do not have to spend every waking (or sleeping) minute together in order to improve your mother-daughter relationship. Consider getting adjoining rooms or scheduling activities apart for some of the time. This can lower frustrations and allow you to come back together with something interesting to talk about.
Mother-daughter relationships can be complicated and frustrating. If yours needs a tune up, take a few minutes to try to understand where the problems lie and if possible, understand how the relationship has changed over the years. A getaway that is structured just for the two of you can be a great way to get to know each other again as long as you don’t expect too much. Take a few risks. You never know when you’ll stop being seen in your traditional role as a mother or daughter, and start being seen as the gal who knows how to row into a class-four whitewater rapid."
MY THOUGHTS
Just be thankful for the opportunity to strengthen or restore or rebuild.
from the article "Renew Your Mother-Daughter Relationship"
Solve Mother-Daughter Relationship Problems
By Kat DeLong
Published January 23, 2008
"If your mother-daughter relationship has gone from blissful to bittersweet, you are not alone. As one of the most intense intergenerational relationships, the bond between a mother and daughter tends to strain during the teenage years and must adapt if the relationship is to survive. How old were you when your mother stopped being the perfect parent and became just a regular human being? The way both people adjust to their new roles is the key to building a strong foundation that will continue for the rest of their lives. Adapting to the new mother-daughter relationship doesn’t have to be difficult – it can be fun if you know where to look."
"One of the best ways to foster a more positive mother-daughter relationship is to start a tradition that will allow that relationship time and space to grow. And one of the best ways to do this is with a mother-daughter getaway that will remove both people from their ordinary lives and give them time to be together without day-to-day distractions. Whether you choose to go whitewater rafting or spend a week together at a spa, keep these tips in mind for a smoother and more rewarding experience.
* Go somewhere that is new to both of you. If one person has been to a destination before, there is a tendency for that person to “be the boss.” If it is a new experience for everyone, the playing field is leveled.
* Find a destination that is out of the ordinary, but appeals to both people. If your mother hates roller coasters and likes to relax, a class-four white-water rafting trip is probably going to add to the stress. At the same time, if the daughter likes constant action, a trip to a relaxing spa might not be the best idea. Pick an exciting city that has enough for both women – a trip to New Yorkhas activities that would suit almost any personality.
* Start small. If you’re not sure that a week alone is a good idea, take a long weekend road trip to a new destination. The point is to improve your mother-daughter relationship, not the amount of time you spend away.
* Do girly stuff together, even if you don’t usually. Facials, manicures andshopping are all great activities to do together. If it is not your idea of the best way to spend your day, try it anyway. You might just find that it is the time you spend together rather then your newly polished nails that are the reward.
* Try something that the other person likes to do. Stretch yourself so that you can see another side of your mother or daughter. You never know – a less strenuous rafting trip might end up being a lot of fun.
* Don’t go it alone. If the thought of spending one day completely alone together makes you anxious, bring some friends. Another mother-daughter pair can take the spotlight off your relationship and make everyone more relaxed. Just make sure that all parties will get along reasonably well.
* Lower your expectations. Life is not like the movies and you probably won’t experience many breakthroughs, but a getaway together can help you to see your mother or daughter outside of her normal roles. Try to enjoy your time together without looking for any “aha” moments.
* Remember that you are not joined at the hip. You do not have to spend every waking (or sleeping) minute together in order to improve your mother-daughter relationship. Consider getting adjoining rooms or scheduling activities apart for some of the time. This can lower frustrations and allow you to come back together with something interesting to talk about.
Mother-daughter relationships can be complicated and frustrating. If yours needs a tune up, take a few minutes to try to understand where the problems lie and if possible, understand how the relationship has changed over the years. A getaway that is structured just for the two of you can be a great way to get to know each other again as long as you don’t expect too much. Take a few risks. You never know when you’ll stop being seen in your traditional role as a mother or daughter, and start being seen as the gal who knows how to row into a class-four whitewater rapid."
MY THOUGHTS
Just be thankful for the opportunity to strengthen or restore or rebuild.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
WHEN A HUSBAND DOESN'T SHARE HIS FEELINGS
Q&A – Help! My Husband Doesn’t Share His Feelings
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published May 05, 2011
Q: How do you deal with a husband who doesn’t share his thoughts and feelings with you?
-Erica S.
A: Hi Erica,
You ask a great question about a communication issue that lies at the center of many women’s heartache. Your husband is like a lot of men in this way. For some women, this poses no problem because they’re perfectly happy with a man who simply loves and cares for them through action. Others, like you, need something much deeper from their mate than mere physical displays of love.
Sometimes you can draw out more thoughts and feelings from your man through friendly and playful probing. However, for most men, the reluctance to engage in intimate communication is the result of a lifetime of behaving this way. Some people get involved in couples groups that specialize in strengthening communication skills, or you can start short-term marital counseling. You can’t make someone open up, but you can do everything possible to set the stage for that to happen. The good news is that these are skills that can be learned if the student is willing and the environment is safe.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
I belong the "other" group. And in all my encounters with men, I found one. Just one man who have no qualms about sharing his thoughts and feelings. Whatever they were. It was truly endearing. And refreshing. And actually liberating to be allowed into those inner thoughts and feelings that are so different from mine.
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach
Published May 05, 2011
Q: How do you deal with a husband who doesn’t share his thoughts and feelings with you?
-Erica S.
A: Hi Erica,
You ask a great question about a communication issue that lies at the center of many women’s heartache. Your husband is like a lot of men in this way. For some women, this poses no problem because they’re perfectly happy with a man who simply loves and cares for them through action. Others, like you, need something much deeper from their mate than mere physical displays of love.
Sometimes you can draw out more thoughts and feelings from your man through friendly and playful probing. However, for most men, the reluctance to engage in intimate communication is the result of a lifetime of behaving this way. Some people get involved in couples groups that specialize in strengthening communication skills, or you can start short-term marital counseling. You can’t make someone open up, but you can do everything possible to set the stage for that to happen. The good news is that these are skills that can be learned if the student is willing and the environment is safe.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
I belong the "other" group. And in all my encounters with men, I found one. Just one man who have no qualms about sharing his thoughts and feelings. Whatever they were. It was truly endearing. And refreshing. And actually liberating to be allowed into those inner thoughts and feelings that are so different from mine.
GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IN RELATIONSHIPS
You Want What You Want
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published May 29, 2006
The desire for acceptance, love and recognition is a very powerful drive in human behavior. We all want to be liked, supported and treated with respect from those around us. Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want. Sometimes those who we seek love, acceptance and support from simply refuse to give it or, because of issues of their own, simply don’t deliver it. Issues, I might add, that typically have nothing to do with you. It's the difference, however, between what you want and what you get from those around you that often sets your emotional temperature and creates your level of happiness and contentment.
If you find yourself in this boat and are not getting what you want and need from those around you, why not make today the day you start taking action. My theory is this. If someone does something that consistently upsets you and you say nothing, you have no right to be upset if they continue that behavior. So here’s your assignment today. Pick one person in your life that consistently does this to you and tell them, in a loving and non-confrontational way, what you really want from them. This is how you begin to close the gap between what you want and what you get.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
Don't assume anything.
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published May 29, 2006
The desire for acceptance, love and recognition is a very powerful drive in human behavior. We all want to be liked, supported and treated with respect from those around us. Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want. Sometimes those who we seek love, acceptance and support from simply refuse to give it or, because of issues of their own, simply don’t deliver it. Issues, I might add, that typically have nothing to do with you. It's the difference, however, between what you want and what you get from those around you that often sets your emotional temperature and creates your level of happiness and contentment.
If you find yourself in this boat and are not getting what you want and need from those around you, why not make today the day you start taking action. My theory is this. If someone does something that consistently upsets you and you say nothing, you have no right to be upset if they continue that behavior. So here’s your assignment today. Pick one person in your life that consistently does this to you and tell them, in a loving and non-confrontational way, what you really want from them. This is how you begin to close the gap between what you want and what you get.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
Don't assume anything.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
MISTAKES MEN MAKE WITH WOMEN
8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009
What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…
Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.
Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.
The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.
Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.
Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)
“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”
Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?
Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.
Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.
Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.
“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”
And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.
The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”
Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?
When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.
“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”
How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.
So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?
The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.
Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.
Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.
When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)
This extends even to bedroom activities.
This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.
Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.
The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?
And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.
“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”
Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.
They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.
“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.
The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.
The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”
The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.
Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.
Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?
As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.
When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.
But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.
We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.
The Fix: He has to speak up.
“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.
Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.
Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.
“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”
But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.
“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.
The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.
“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.
Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.
For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.
“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”
So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?
The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.
Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.
Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.
“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”
That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.
The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.
But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.
MY THOUGHTS
If you're cursing your partner while you're reading this article, you should read it again and try to have a different perspective. Initially, I thought men should be reading this. When I got to mistake #3 ('thinking men and women are alike'), I started to think of the mistakes I've made rather than that of a former partner. Mistake # 5 (failing to communicate) made me realize both men and women should be reading this. Afte rall, communication is supposed to run along a 2-way street.
I'll have to agree that Dr. Love knows what she's talking about. She hit so many spots. I'd say it's like a bingo blackout.
The real problem is that men and women fail to recognize that although they are genetically, culturally and socially different, they are meant to be together to thresh out these differences.
By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript
Published July 31, 2009
What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal the 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, find out how well you understand the opposite sex with our quiz…
Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men. And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.
Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.
The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently. And although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.
Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.
Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway) (Yes, Dr. Love is her real name.)
“It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”
Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?
Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.
Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.
Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation. The average man doesn’t get that same high.
“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”
And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.
The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says. All a man needs to say is “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”
Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?
When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.
“This one is so huge,” Love agrees. A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”
How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.
So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?
The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing. Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.
Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer. As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.
Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.
When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)
This extends even to bedroom activities.
This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.
Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.
The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?
And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.
“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says. “[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”
Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder. In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.
They also have it wrong when the silence lingers. He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.
“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.
The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.
The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”
The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.
Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.
Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?
As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories. Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.
When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation. In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.
But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.
We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.
The Fix: He has to speak up.
“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.
Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.
Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says. Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.
“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”
But the same doesn’t hold true for women. For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.
“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.
The Fix: It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in. Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.
“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.
Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.
For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.
“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”
So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?
The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.
Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.
Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.
“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”
That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task. He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.
The Fix: Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.
But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.
MY THOUGHTS
If you're cursing your partner while you're reading this article, you should read it again and try to have a different perspective. Initially, I thought men should be reading this. When I got to mistake #3 ('thinking men and women are alike'), I started to think of the mistakes I've made rather than that of a former partner. Mistake # 5 (failing to communicate) made me realize both men and women should be reading this. Afte rall, communication is supposed to run along a 2-way street.
I'll have to agree that Dr. Love knows what she's talking about. She hit so many spots. I'd say it's like a bingo blackout.
The real problem is that men and women fail to recognize that although they are genetically, culturally and socially different, they are meant to be together to thresh out these differences.
Friday, April 8, 2011
MARRIAGE AND ECONOMICS
The Key To A Happy Marriage-and Life: Think Like an Economist
By Laura Vanderkam | February 9, 2011
A great marriage has spillover benefits. When it’s going well, the rest of life, from work to child-rearing, seems more manageable. But how do you reach that state of bliss? Here’s a tip I’m guessing neither your therapist or mom will spout: start thinking like an economist.
Nonetheless, that’s the advice from Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson, authors of the new book Spousonomics, out today from Random House. Szuchman, a Page One editor of the Wall Street Journal, talked with me about why this is less crazy than it sounds.
Q. At first blush, marriage and economics don’t seem to have much in common, except that some people find them dismal. Why did you decide to wed the two?
A. When we started out, we’d both been married just a short time, and we were obsessed with how to make our marriages better. As reporters, our natural instincts were to find answers, but there was nothing in the self-help aisle that worked for us. This happened to be around the time when the U.S. was headed toward a massive financial collapse, and as business journalists we were steeped in the language of economics: booms & busts, incentives, moral hazard, loss aversion, opportunity costs, etc. As dorky as it sounds, we saw an eerie number of parallels between these concepts and our personal lives.
Q. Do tell…
A. In my case, I’d hit a “bust” right after the “boom” of the wedding. I also had a tendency to be so averse to losing that I’d dig in my heels and go all night until my husband conceded I was right. Jenny, who had a new baby, felt like she was getting her incentives wrong when it came to getting her husband to help out. So it seemed to make sense, in an unexpected and counterintuitive way, and also be more practical than other advice books. We could say to readers: “Your problem just boils down to bad incentives – here are some good incentives – go make it happen!”
Q. If you’re deciding between working late because your boss asks you to, and meeting your spouse for drinks as planned, how should you do a cost-benefit analysis?
A. It’s a classic trade-off: If you stay late, you miss out on a fun time with your spouse and also risk his or her wrath; if you tell your boss to go fly a kite, you risk your job. Too often we make a rash decision— “gotta stay late, fingers crossed she doesn’t kill me” — and worry about the consequences later. Better to think through the costs and benefits first. In this case, maybe the downsides of staying late include:
1. Getting that first, transporting drink of the day later, rather than sooner
2. Losing much-needed alone time with spouse
3. Lots of rage, directed at you
4. Being seen as a pushover by your boss
Maybe the one benefit is possibly getting on your boss’s good side. Suddenly staying late doesn’t seem like the clear winner. Can you instead suggest to your boss that you come in early the next day to finish up?
Q. Many people (mostly women) think they could save time if they got their spouses to do more around the house. What can economics teach us about making this happen?
A. Two thoughts here. First, I’m a fan of the incorporating the theory of comparative advantage into domestic life. It says that people should specialize in what they do relatively best and then trade for everything else. The “relatively” is key, because it implies that you don’t have to be perfect at, say, folding laundry, you just have to be better at it than you are at other stuff, like cooking chicken cordon bleu. If that’s the case, then folding laundry should be your job, even if your spouse doesn’t exactly love the way you fold. I can’t tell you how often we heard from people that they end up doing things around the house themselves because otherwise it either won’t get done or it won’t get done “right”. My guess is that 9 times out of 10, if you’re wondering why your spouse doesn’t do more around the house, it has more to do with you refusing to share the load than with him being lazy, no good, selfish or incompetent.
Second, we talk a lot about incentives. These are things that motivate people, the way a free third night at a hotel motivates people to book two nights instead of one. One incentive that economists have shown to be surprisingly effective isn’t money or free stuff, it’s trust. If people feel trusted by their bosses to do a good job, they’re sometimes more likely to do a good job than they would be if they’d been given a raise but were still micromanaged. As someone who has been accused of being a micromanager many times by my husband, I can tell you that being trusted is a better incentive to get him to pay the bills on time than the threat of being micromanaged—or worse, having me take over the job myself. It makes sense. Why would any husband—or wife—do anything around the house if they knew the other person was going to just do it themselves eventually?
Q. Sex is generally enjoyable. We have 168 hours a week. So why do many married couples claim they don’t have time for it?
A. Because they’re tired, they’re lazy, they’d rather watch TV, and they know the other person will be there the next day—and the day after that, until death, or worse—so they can always put it off. We call it a problem of moral hazard. In economics, the term is used to describe a situation in which people behave irresponsibly when there are no repercussions. It’s why the big financial firms—Citibank, AIG, Lehman Brothers—had no qualms making ridiculously risky loans. They knew Uncle Sam would eventually bail them out. They were too big to fail. When you start taking your marriage for granted, when you assume your better half will be there for better or worse, it’s super tempting to take risks. Like putting off sex. Or claiming exhaustion. But come on, sex really isn’t that hard—and hey, it doesn’t really have to take longer than 168 seconds.
Readers, have you ever put economic principles to work in your marriage?
MY THOUGHTS
There are a lot of good points here. But I became more muddled as I kept on reading. Maybe because I am not an economics person. I strongly suggest that should you decide to use a principle and parallel that with how you should deal with your relationships, it had better be a principle that you understand pretty well.
By Laura Vanderkam | February 9, 2011
A great marriage has spillover benefits. When it’s going well, the rest of life, from work to child-rearing, seems more manageable. But how do you reach that state of bliss? Here’s a tip I’m guessing neither your therapist or mom will spout: start thinking like an economist.
Nonetheless, that’s the advice from Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson, authors of the new book Spousonomics, out today from Random House. Szuchman, a Page One editor of the Wall Street Journal, talked with me about why this is less crazy than it sounds.
Q. At first blush, marriage and economics don’t seem to have much in common, except that some people find them dismal. Why did you decide to wed the two?
A. When we started out, we’d both been married just a short time, and we were obsessed with how to make our marriages better. As reporters, our natural instincts were to find answers, but there was nothing in the self-help aisle that worked for us. This happened to be around the time when the U.S. was headed toward a massive financial collapse, and as business journalists we were steeped in the language of economics: booms & busts, incentives, moral hazard, loss aversion, opportunity costs, etc. As dorky as it sounds, we saw an eerie number of parallels between these concepts and our personal lives.
Q. Do tell…
A. In my case, I’d hit a “bust” right after the “boom” of the wedding. I also had a tendency to be so averse to losing that I’d dig in my heels and go all night until my husband conceded I was right. Jenny, who had a new baby, felt like she was getting her incentives wrong when it came to getting her husband to help out. So it seemed to make sense, in an unexpected and counterintuitive way, and also be more practical than other advice books. We could say to readers: “Your problem just boils down to bad incentives – here are some good incentives – go make it happen!”
Q. If you’re deciding between working late because your boss asks you to, and meeting your spouse for drinks as planned, how should you do a cost-benefit analysis?
A. It’s a classic trade-off: If you stay late, you miss out on a fun time with your spouse and also risk his or her wrath; if you tell your boss to go fly a kite, you risk your job. Too often we make a rash decision— “gotta stay late, fingers crossed she doesn’t kill me” — and worry about the consequences later. Better to think through the costs and benefits first. In this case, maybe the downsides of staying late include:
1. Getting that first, transporting drink of the day later, rather than sooner
2. Losing much-needed alone time with spouse
3. Lots of rage, directed at you
4. Being seen as a pushover by your boss
Maybe the one benefit is possibly getting on your boss’s good side. Suddenly staying late doesn’t seem like the clear winner. Can you instead suggest to your boss that you come in early the next day to finish up?
Q. Many people (mostly women) think they could save time if they got their spouses to do more around the house. What can economics teach us about making this happen?
A. Two thoughts here. First, I’m a fan of the incorporating the theory of comparative advantage into domestic life. It says that people should specialize in what they do relatively best and then trade for everything else. The “relatively” is key, because it implies that you don’t have to be perfect at, say, folding laundry, you just have to be better at it than you are at other stuff, like cooking chicken cordon bleu. If that’s the case, then folding laundry should be your job, even if your spouse doesn’t exactly love the way you fold. I can’t tell you how often we heard from people that they end up doing things around the house themselves because otherwise it either won’t get done or it won’t get done “right”. My guess is that 9 times out of 10, if you’re wondering why your spouse doesn’t do more around the house, it has more to do with you refusing to share the load than with him being lazy, no good, selfish or incompetent.
Second, we talk a lot about incentives. These are things that motivate people, the way a free third night at a hotel motivates people to book two nights instead of one. One incentive that economists have shown to be surprisingly effective isn’t money or free stuff, it’s trust. If people feel trusted by their bosses to do a good job, they’re sometimes more likely to do a good job than they would be if they’d been given a raise but were still micromanaged. As someone who has been accused of being a micromanager many times by my husband, I can tell you that being trusted is a better incentive to get him to pay the bills on time than the threat of being micromanaged—or worse, having me take over the job myself. It makes sense. Why would any husband—or wife—do anything around the house if they knew the other person was going to just do it themselves eventually?
Q. Sex is generally enjoyable. We have 168 hours a week. So why do many married couples claim they don’t have time for it?
A. Because they’re tired, they’re lazy, they’d rather watch TV, and they know the other person will be there the next day—and the day after that, until death, or worse—so they can always put it off. We call it a problem of moral hazard. In economics, the term is used to describe a situation in which people behave irresponsibly when there are no repercussions. It’s why the big financial firms—Citibank, AIG, Lehman Brothers—had no qualms making ridiculously risky loans. They knew Uncle Sam would eventually bail them out. They were too big to fail. When you start taking your marriage for granted, when you assume your better half will be there for better or worse, it’s super tempting to take risks. Like putting off sex. Or claiming exhaustion. But come on, sex really isn’t that hard—and hey, it doesn’t really have to take longer than 168 seconds.
Readers, have you ever put economic principles to work in your marriage?
MY THOUGHTS
There are a lot of good points here. But I became more muddled as I kept on reading. Maybe because I am not an economics person. I strongly suggest that should you decide to use a principle and parallel that with how you should deal with your relationships, it had better be a principle that you understand pretty well.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
TREATING YOUR FAMILY AS CLIENTS?
A Business Approach to Family Life
Helpful tips to balance work and family life
All of us have customers. As a businessman, the people I work with daily and have the privilege of serving are my customers. Many of us have another type of customer: a supervisor, a board, or another authority we report to. They are like customers because we depend on them for our jobs and therefore do our best to deliver the results they expect.
You will have a better marriage and family by treating your wife [or husband] and kids as if they were your customers. Regardless of your profession, if you put these skills to work in your marriage - just as you do at work - you will have a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with your spouse.
By Louis Upkins Jr.
Communication Strategies
Just as poor communication sends a message to your business customers that you don't value them, lack of communication in your marriage gives your wife [or husband] that same message. And as your wife [or husband] observes you checking business email at home and texting customers at your daughter's concert, she [or he] begins to feel less and less important to you. It is often the little things we do that say the most and give us an A+ in communication. Small improvements will come even if all you do is try to check in more often.
What you can do:
* - Leave a note on her pillow when you leave on a trip
* - Call when you leave the office to ask if she needs you to pick anything up on the way home
* - Text [him] from an important meeting [he] knows you stayed up late to prepare for
World-Class Customer Service
You don't have to take exceptional measures to give your loved ones great customer service. Just pay attention to the way you serve your customers. Imagine what would happen if you took the list of "little things" and made them a priority with your wife [or husband] and family.
What you can do:
* - Return calls promptly [to your spouse and children]
* - See every interaction with them as an opportunity to win them over with kindness, friendliness, and politeness
* - Never take them for granted
* - Listen carefully when they talk to you and look them in the eyes so they know you care about what they are saying
* - Turn off the cell. When you get home from work, turn it off, or at least dicipline yourself to let incoming calls go to your voice mail
* - Look for ways to compliment [your spouse and children]
When Your Customer Gets Upset
There's nothing wrong with a good fight in marriage. You disagree over something. You both state your case and go back and forth and then somehow resolve it. That's what I mean by a good fight. But too many couples use tactics when they fight that make things worse and stand in the way of any kind of peaceful resolution. For example, consider the following examples of how some couples disagree with each other and then ask yourself, Would I ever do this at work?
What you should NOT do in a fight:
*Use sarcasm
*Talk over your opponent
*Name-calling
*Yelling and screaming
*Silent treatment
*Walking out and slamming the door
Success Goes Both Ways
Win-win at work means growing your business by helping your customers succeed. It means resolving conflicts so that both you and your customer gain more than you lose. It doesn't mean letting your customer win at your expense; it means having a mutually positive experience.
At home, win-win means enabling your wife [or husband] and children to be as successful as you are, being willing to sacrifice some of what's important to you in favor of what's important to them. And as you negotiate the daily conflicts that are normal in every family, it means trying to find solutions that address your family's needs rather than fighting only for what is important to you.
Celebrate Your Success
When you think of celebrations in your family, you usually think of birthdays and anniversaries. Those are all great opportunities to celebrate. But don't let those be your only occasions to celebrate. Most families miss the almost daily opportunities to turn everyone's attention toward what is good and honorable.
Reasons to celebrate:
* - Good grades
* - No cavities
* - Loser day. If Mom or Dad is on a diet and makes some progress, pour everyone a tall glass of water and hand them a carrot stick.
* - Firsts. First day of school. First Communion. First day of a new job. First snow. First bike ride without training wheels.
* - Big accomplishments
* - Little accomplishments
MY THOUGHTS
I'm pretty sure that being taken for granted (or always taking second place to work and everything else) is one of the major reason for break-ups. I like the idea of treating your family members as clients. That's going to save a lot of relationships.
Helpful tips to balance work and family life
All of us have customers. As a businessman, the people I work with daily and have the privilege of serving are my customers. Many of us have another type of customer: a supervisor, a board, or another authority we report to. They are like customers because we depend on them for our jobs and therefore do our best to deliver the results they expect.
You will have a better marriage and family by treating your wife [or husband] and kids as if they were your customers. Regardless of your profession, if you put these skills to work in your marriage - just as you do at work - you will have a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with your spouse.
By Louis Upkins Jr.
Communication Strategies
Just as poor communication sends a message to your business customers that you don't value them, lack of communication in your marriage gives your wife [or husband] that same message. And as your wife [or husband] observes you checking business email at home and texting customers at your daughter's concert, she [or he] begins to feel less and less important to you. It is often the little things we do that say the most and give us an A+ in communication. Small improvements will come even if all you do is try to check in more often.
What you can do:
* - Leave a note on her pillow when you leave on a trip
* - Call when you leave the office to ask if she needs you to pick anything up on the way home
* - Text [him] from an important meeting [he] knows you stayed up late to prepare for
World-Class Customer Service
You don't have to take exceptional measures to give your loved ones great customer service. Just pay attention to the way you serve your customers. Imagine what would happen if you took the list of "little things" and made them a priority with your wife [or husband] and family.
What you can do:
* - Return calls promptly [to your spouse and children]
* - See every interaction with them as an opportunity to win them over with kindness, friendliness, and politeness
* - Never take them for granted
* - Listen carefully when they talk to you and look them in the eyes so they know you care about what they are saying
* - Turn off the cell. When you get home from work, turn it off, or at least dicipline yourself to let incoming calls go to your voice mail
* - Look for ways to compliment [your spouse and children]
When Your Customer Gets Upset
There's nothing wrong with a good fight in marriage. You disagree over something. You both state your case and go back and forth and then somehow resolve it. That's what I mean by a good fight. But too many couples use tactics when they fight that make things worse and stand in the way of any kind of peaceful resolution. For example, consider the following examples of how some couples disagree with each other and then ask yourself, Would I ever do this at work?
What you should NOT do in a fight:
*Use sarcasm
*Talk over your opponent
*Name-calling
*Yelling and screaming
*Silent treatment
*Walking out and slamming the door
Success Goes Both Ways
Win-win at work means growing your business by helping your customers succeed. It means resolving conflicts so that both you and your customer gain more than you lose. It doesn't mean letting your customer win at your expense; it means having a mutually positive experience.
At home, win-win means enabling your wife [or husband] and children to be as successful as you are, being willing to sacrifice some of what's important to you in favor of what's important to them. And as you negotiate the daily conflicts that are normal in every family, it means trying to find solutions that address your family's needs rather than fighting only for what is important to you.
Celebrate Your Success
When you think of celebrations in your family, you usually think of birthdays and anniversaries. Those are all great opportunities to celebrate. But don't let those be your only occasions to celebrate. Most families miss the almost daily opportunities to turn everyone's attention toward what is good and honorable.
Reasons to celebrate:
* - Good grades
* - No cavities
* - Loser day. If Mom or Dad is on a diet and makes some progress, pour everyone a tall glass of water and hand them a carrot stick.
* - Firsts. First day of school. First Communion. First day of a new job. First snow. First bike ride without training wheels.
* - Big accomplishments
* - Little accomplishments
MY THOUGHTS
I'm pretty sure that being taken for granted (or always taking second place to work and everything else) is one of the major reason for break-ups. I like the idea of treating your family members as clients. That's going to save a lot of relationships.
Monday, March 28, 2011
WHY WOMEN CHEAT
10 Reasons Why Women Cheat
Could you be at risk for infidelity? (12 Photos)
Josey Miller on Jan 31, 2011 at 2:58PM
10 Reasons Why Women Cheat
Men Aren't the Only Ones Straying
Cheating husbands used to outnumber cheating wives, but not anymore, according to a recent infidelity study by Coffee and Company, a British marriage bureau. Of the 3,000 participants, nearly 20 percent of women confessed to cheating. Meanwhile, the AskMen.com “Great Male Survey 2010” and “Great Female Survey 2010” found that 5 percent of women cheated on their partner, while less than 3 percent of men admit to it. Why are more women being unfaithful in their relationships? We uncovered 10 reasons -- and some of them may surprise you.
They Seek Revenge
“Men have the cognitive faculties to be just as faithful as women,” says relationship expert Seth Meyers, Psy.D, Los Angeles Psychologist and author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription. But that doesn’t stop women from attributing cheating to a man’s nature, he says. In fact, if he does cheat, she may go cheat for revenge -- even if she doesn’t really want to -- so he understands how much it hurts. And, surprise, it may work. “Men are not emotional so they usually can't feel the same pain unless it is done back to them,” says Bonnie Weil, Ph.D. of DoctorBonnie.com, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin. "Women feel cheating is a way to even the score.” That probably won't help to heal the relationship. But once a man cheats, it’s a whole different ballgame, according to Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters: “It feels as if the rules a woman has been following are no longer relevant or valid.”
For the Thrill of It
“An affair is a stress-busting, thrill-seeking, self-medicating high,” says Weil. And, while a woman may cheat to see if she can get away with it, she often doesn’t really want to get caught, says Bowman: “She just wants the bird in her hand and the one in the bush -- and she’s deluded into thinking that she really can have both.” But this reason is perhaps less common than others, says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, founder of InfidelityAdvice.com. “[A woman] will usually try to let her husband know that there is a problem first,” she explains. “If he fails to address them, ignores her, or takes her complaint lightly, she may then cheat because feels she has no other choice."
For the Ego Boost
“When women cheat with other men, the other men usually compliment them and make them feel sexy in ways their current partner isn't doing,” says Meyers. “Cheating often occurs in relationships where she isn't feeling connected emotionally to her current partner.” So husbands beware if your wives feel unloved, underappreciated or even ignored. Houston says, “If a wife feels neglected or taken for granted by her husband, she becomes very vulnerable and can very easily succumb to having an affair, emotional or physical -- with a man who makes her feel special, desired.” When the relationship is strained, with both partners "bruising one another's egos left and right and criticism flying," that can also open the door to double-timing, says Bowman.
To Find a Love Connection
Are you lovers or roommates? Over time, it can be tough to tell -- and you long for the early stages of love. “That’s when you have this wonderful sense of being chosen,” says Bowman. “Long-term relationships are much different. Those lovely chemicals that had flooded your brain when you first met have now faded.” That downward slide isn’t inevitable, though, if you put the work in, says Weil. “Couples must rekindle the romance magic on a daily and weekly basis,” she says. “It is important to keep recreating the same chemicals as when they first fell in love, by using attachment skills, like the 30-second kiss and the 20-second hug, which raise the endorphin levels.” And here’s a surprise: A fight-free marriage isn’t always a stronger marriage. “Conflict creates passion. A polite marriage is higher in adultery than a marriage with arguments,” Weil says.
They Want to Get Caught
“Most women cheat as an escape hatch,” says Weil. And this is especially true of married mothers. “If the woman has children, she has a hard time leaving the husband without the feeling of guilt,” she says. But that subsides if she’s not the one who’s initiating the break-up. “The affair is a way to alleviate the feeling of stress and guilt, as the husband may leave her.” Houston calls it an “exit affair,” intended to terminate the marriage. “Men are much less tolerant than women when it comes to infidelity and are less likely to forgive a cheating wife,” she says. “A husband who has been cheated on is much more likely to end his marriage than to give his cheating wife a second chance.”
They're Bored With Their Sex Life
Sex life? What sex life? Couples who've been together a long time often complain that their sex life has become staid or stale. (In iVillage's 2010 married sex survey, 81 percent of wives said their sex lives had become predictable.) That may prompt some women to look elsewhere to satisfy their urges. “Sometimes women will cheat because they feel that there is no spontaneity in their relationship anymore,” says Meyers. “Sexual boredom may be one manifestation of that.” A desire for more frequent or different types of sex may also lead to affairs among younger women. “Wives in their early 20s or younger may cheat for the same type of sexual reasons as men; they want more frequent sex, a different type of sex, or they are curious about what it would be like to have sex with a particular man or wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone other than their own husband.” Before stepping out, though, Bowman recommends trying to spice up your sex life with your partner. Try something new in the bedroom or get a little creative. “Really push your limits. A bikini wax and a strip tease worked wonders for my sex life.”
They Feel Lonely
Remember when you couldn’t believe you’d found someone who also owned the same rare record, shared your affinity for foosball and with whom you could always trade entrées? “If a woman feels that she and her husband no longer have anything in common, she may find herself drawn into an emotional affair with someone who shares similar interests,” Houston says. “However, an emotional affair can quickly progress to the next level and become a sexual affair.” Many women cheat to fill a void. “Cheating alleviates the feelings of loneliness and emptiness. It is a bio-chemical craving for connection,” says Weil.
They Want to Relive Their Past
“Sometimes going through one's Little Black Book is an easy way to find a sex partner who will temporarily make them feel better,” says Meyers. But while ex-boyfriends may be familiar territory, they’re not necessarily repairmen. “This solution never, ever lasts,” she says. It’s often not really about that ex-boyfriend, but rather about who the woman was when she was with him. “Reverting to her youth makes her feel alive again,” says Weil. “It makes her feel younger, more carefree, sexier and more attractive.”
Because of a Near-Death Experience
“A near-death experience often causes women to rethink things,” says Meyers. “They look at their lives in greater depth, as they've been reminded of their own mortality.” It's not only sudden accidents that qualify, but potentially deadly illnesses that progress over time, according to Bowman. “[Breast cancer, for example] can make women question every part of their lives; suddenly they are very aware of their own mortality,” she says. “To make matters worse, [they may feel] their spouses have let them down when they needed them most. Maybe he wasn’t supportive. Maybe he stopped initiating sex. Whatever it was, these women are wounded and they look outside of the marriage for an emotional Band-aid.” If they feel like their time is limited, they want to make the most of the time they have, she says, whether or not it’s with the man they married.
For Attention or Adventure
“Women can feel taken for granted, working 30 hours at home -- doing the cleaning, taking care of children ... on top of their own full-time day job,” says Weil. “They need to feel valued and crave validation.” And they also seek a little excitement now and then. “A woman in a boring or mundane marriage is easy prey for the ‘bad boy’ type,” says Houston. ”If you look at the top reasons why women cheat, most of them are situations that could easily be remedied by a loving, caring, attentive, and cooperative husband. A happily married woman, who has a good relationship with her husband, will not cheat.”
MY THOUGHTS
I think this article is for men. Hopefully, if they aren't treating or loving their women well, they would rethink their position.
Could you be at risk for infidelity? (12 Photos)
Josey Miller on Jan 31, 2011 at 2:58PM
10 Reasons Why Women Cheat
Men Aren't the Only Ones Straying
Cheating husbands used to outnumber cheating wives, but not anymore, according to a recent infidelity study by Coffee and Company, a British marriage bureau. Of the 3,000 participants, nearly 20 percent of women confessed to cheating. Meanwhile, the AskMen.com “Great Male Survey 2010” and “Great Female Survey 2010” found that 5 percent of women cheated on their partner, while less than 3 percent of men admit to it. Why are more women being unfaithful in their relationships? We uncovered 10 reasons -- and some of them may surprise you.
They Seek Revenge
“Men have the cognitive faculties to be just as faithful as women,” says relationship expert Seth Meyers, Psy.D, Los Angeles Psychologist and author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription. But that doesn’t stop women from attributing cheating to a man’s nature, he says. In fact, if he does cheat, she may go cheat for revenge -- even if she doesn’t really want to -- so he understands how much it hurts. And, surprise, it may work. “Men are not emotional so they usually can't feel the same pain unless it is done back to them,” says Bonnie Weil, Ph.D. of DoctorBonnie.com, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin. "Women feel cheating is a way to even the score.” That probably won't help to heal the relationship. But once a man cheats, it’s a whole different ballgame, according to Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters: “It feels as if the rules a woman has been following are no longer relevant or valid.”
For the Thrill of It
“An affair is a stress-busting, thrill-seeking, self-medicating high,” says Weil. And, while a woman may cheat to see if she can get away with it, she often doesn’t really want to get caught, says Bowman: “She just wants the bird in her hand and the one in the bush -- and she’s deluded into thinking that she really can have both.” But this reason is perhaps less common than others, says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, founder of InfidelityAdvice.com. “[A woman] will usually try to let her husband know that there is a problem first,” she explains. “If he fails to address them, ignores her, or takes her complaint lightly, she may then cheat because feels she has no other choice."
For the Ego Boost
“When women cheat with other men, the other men usually compliment them and make them feel sexy in ways their current partner isn't doing,” says Meyers. “Cheating often occurs in relationships where she isn't feeling connected emotionally to her current partner.” So husbands beware if your wives feel unloved, underappreciated or even ignored. Houston says, “If a wife feels neglected or taken for granted by her husband, she becomes very vulnerable and can very easily succumb to having an affair, emotional or physical -- with a man who makes her feel special, desired.” When the relationship is strained, with both partners "bruising one another's egos left and right and criticism flying," that can also open the door to double-timing, says Bowman.
To Find a Love Connection
Are you lovers or roommates? Over time, it can be tough to tell -- and you long for the early stages of love. “That’s when you have this wonderful sense of being chosen,” says Bowman. “Long-term relationships are much different. Those lovely chemicals that had flooded your brain when you first met have now faded.” That downward slide isn’t inevitable, though, if you put the work in, says Weil. “Couples must rekindle the romance magic on a daily and weekly basis,” she says. “It is important to keep recreating the same chemicals as when they first fell in love, by using attachment skills, like the 30-second kiss and the 20-second hug, which raise the endorphin levels.” And here’s a surprise: A fight-free marriage isn’t always a stronger marriage. “Conflict creates passion. A polite marriage is higher in adultery than a marriage with arguments,” Weil says.
They Want to Get Caught
“Most women cheat as an escape hatch,” says Weil. And this is especially true of married mothers. “If the woman has children, she has a hard time leaving the husband without the feeling of guilt,” she says. But that subsides if she’s not the one who’s initiating the break-up. “The affair is a way to alleviate the feeling of stress and guilt, as the husband may leave her.” Houston calls it an “exit affair,” intended to terminate the marriage. “Men are much less tolerant than women when it comes to infidelity and are less likely to forgive a cheating wife,” she says. “A husband who has been cheated on is much more likely to end his marriage than to give his cheating wife a second chance.”
They're Bored With Their Sex Life
Sex life? What sex life? Couples who've been together a long time often complain that their sex life has become staid or stale. (In iVillage's 2010 married sex survey, 81 percent of wives said their sex lives had become predictable.) That may prompt some women to look elsewhere to satisfy their urges. “Sometimes women will cheat because they feel that there is no spontaneity in their relationship anymore,” says Meyers. “Sexual boredom may be one manifestation of that.” A desire for more frequent or different types of sex may also lead to affairs among younger women. “Wives in their early 20s or younger may cheat for the same type of sexual reasons as men; they want more frequent sex, a different type of sex, or they are curious about what it would be like to have sex with a particular man or wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone other than their own husband.” Before stepping out, though, Bowman recommends trying to spice up your sex life with your partner. Try something new in the bedroom or get a little creative. “Really push your limits. A bikini wax and a strip tease worked wonders for my sex life.”
They Feel Lonely
Remember when you couldn’t believe you’d found someone who also owned the same rare record, shared your affinity for foosball and with whom you could always trade entrées? “If a woman feels that she and her husband no longer have anything in common, she may find herself drawn into an emotional affair with someone who shares similar interests,” Houston says. “However, an emotional affair can quickly progress to the next level and become a sexual affair.” Many women cheat to fill a void. “Cheating alleviates the feelings of loneliness and emptiness. It is a bio-chemical craving for connection,” says Weil.
They Want to Relive Their Past
“Sometimes going through one's Little Black Book is an easy way to find a sex partner who will temporarily make them feel better,” says Meyers. But while ex-boyfriends may be familiar territory, they’re not necessarily repairmen. “This solution never, ever lasts,” she says. It’s often not really about that ex-boyfriend, but rather about who the woman was when she was with him. “Reverting to her youth makes her feel alive again,” says Weil. “It makes her feel younger, more carefree, sexier and more attractive.”
Because of a Near-Death Experience
“A near-death experience often causes women to rethink things,” says Meyers. “They look at their lives in greater depth, as they've been reminded of their own mortality.” It's not only sudden accidents that qualify, but potentially deadly illnesses that progress over time, according to Bowman. “[Breast cancer, for example] can make women question every part of their lives; suddenly they are very aware of their own mortality,” she says. “To make matters worse, [they may feel] their spouses have let them down when they needed them most. Maybe he wasn’t supportive. Maybe he stopped initiating sex. Whatever it was, these women are wounded and they look outside of the marriage for an emotional Band-aid.” If they feel like their time is limited, they want to make the most of the time they have, she says, whether or not it’s with the man they married.
For Attention or Adventure
“Women can feel taken for granted, working 30 hours at home -- doing the cleaning, taking care of children ... on top of their own full-time day job,” says Weil. “They need to feel valued and crave validation.” And they also seek a little excitement now and then. “A woman in a boring or mundane marriage is easy prey for the ‘bad boy’ type,” says Houston. ”If you look at the top reasons why women cheat, most of them are situations that could easily be remedied by a loving, caring, attentive, and cooperative husband. A happily married woman, who has a good relationship with her husband, will not cheat.”
MY THOUGHTS
I think this article is for men. Hopefully, if they aren't treating or loving their women well, they would rethink their position.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
ARE YOU AN EXPLORER IN RELATONSHIPS
ARE YOU AN EXPLORER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Explorer
Explorers have a very active dopamine system, a brain chemical associated with the tendency to seek novelty, among other qualities. An Explorer might look up from the newspaper on Sunday and say, "Want to go to Warsaw?"—and by Wednesday you're in Poland. Champions of "never a dull moment," these adventurers live to discover new people, places, things, or ideas, often on the spur of the moment. Friends, family, and colleagues frequently regard them as highly independent and autonomous.
Explorers have more energy than most people; they tend to be restless, sometimes fast-paced. And they are highly curious—"For always roaming with a hungry heart," as Tennyson put it. Constantly generating new ideas or creative insights, they easily shift their attention from one thing to another. Although the classic Explorer is a race-car driver, South Pole trekker, or bad-boy rocker who lives hard, taking drugs and having risky sex, I know many who exercise their passion for adventure by reading several hours a day; collecting stamps, coins, or antiques; or walking through the byways of a city.
People quickly like most Explorers. Generous and sunny, they tend to be playful, sensual, sometimes hedonistic, often unpredictable, and regularly amusing. But they can be difficult to take—especially in a marriage. They do not tolerate boredom well. So they are generally not interested in routine social or business events. In fact, Explorers try to avoid routine of almost any kind, and can trample on another person's cherished beliefs and habits—not to mention be impatient.
MY THOUGHTS
being with explorers would probably feel very exciting. in the beginning. it can be tiring to always be on the go. and it can be difficult to feel secured with someone who has the desire to find something new. or maybe i'm taking this the wrong way.
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Explorer
Explorers have a very active dopamine system, a brain chemical associated with the tendency to seek novelty, among other qualities. An Explorer might look up from the newspaper on Sunday and say, "Want to go to Warsaw?"—and by Wednesday you're in Poland. Champions of "never a dull moment," these adventurers live to discover new people, places, things, or ideas, often on the spur of the moment. Friends, family, and colleagues frequently regard them as highly independent and autonomous.
Explorers have more energy than most people; they tend to be restless, sometimes fast-paced. And they are highly curious—"For always roaming with a hungry heart," as Tennyson put it. Constantly generating new ideas or creative insights, they easily shift their attention from one thing to another. Although the classic Explorer is a race-car driver, South Pole trekker, or bad-boy rocker who lives hard, taking drugs and having risky sex, I know many who exercise their passion for adventure by reading several hours a day; collecting stamps, coins, or antiques; or walking through the byways of a city.
People quickly like most Explorers. Generous and sunny, they tend to be playful, sensual, sometimes hedonistic, often unpredictable, and regularly amusing. But they can be difficult to take—especially in a marriage. They do not tolerate boredom well. So they are generally not interested in routine social or business events. In fact, Explorers try to avoid routine of almost any kind, and can trample on another person's cherished beliefs and habits—not to mention be impatient.
MY THOUGHTS
being with explorers would probably feel very exciting. in the beginning. it can be tiring to always be on the go. and it can be difficult to feel secured with someone who has the desire to find something new. or maybe i'm taking this the wrong way.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
ARE YOU A BUILDER IN YOUR RELATONSHIPS?
ARE YOU A REBUILDER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Builder
Calm, affable, and people oriented, the Builder's personality is influenced by the serotonin system. Social situations are often fun and relaxing for Builders; they like to network. Because duty and loyalty are their strong suits, they often acquire a devoted pack of peers and pals. And they're true guardians when it comes to family and friends.
Builders are cautious—but not fearful. They think concretely. They have a clear memory of yesterday's mistakes, so they prepare. These people are not impulsive with their money, their actions, or their feelings. Security is important to them. Structure and order are, too. Taking particular pride in upholding social norms, many are traditional, and they often have a strong moral streak. Builders don't get bored easily, which enables them to be methodical, hardworking, and dependable. Thanks to all these solid qualities, they tend to be regarded as pillars of the community.
But Builders can go overboard. In their quest to do things the "proper way," they can be intolerant of other ways. Indeed, they can be stubborn. And with their need for order, rules, and schedules, they can stifle spontaneity. Their stoicism can turn into pessimism, their conformity into rigidity, and their concrete thinking sometimes makes them too literal. Normally, however, Builders are community minded, industrious, and popular with colleagues and companions.
MY THOUGHTS
i've met some BUILDERS. and i'm not one of them. most definitely. although i can be a stickler for rules, i prefer being spontaneous.
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Builder
Calm, affable, and people oriented, the Builder's personality is influenced by the serotonin system. Social situations are often fun and relaxing for Builders; they like to network. Because duty and loyalty are their strong suits, they often acquire a devoted pack of peers and pals. And they're true guardians when it comes to family and friends.
Builders are cautious—but not fearful. They think concretely. They have a clear memory of yesterday's mistakes, so they prepare. These people are not impulsive with their money, their actions, or their feelings. Security is important to them. Structure and order are, too. Taking particular pride in upholding social norms, many are traditional, and they often have a strong moral streak. Builders don't get bored easily, which enables them to be methodical, hardworking, and dependable. Thanks to all these solid qualities, they tend to be regarded as pillars of the community.
But Builders can go overboard. In their quest to do things the "proper way," they can be intolerant of other ways. Indeed, they can be stubborn. And with their need for order, rules, and schedules, they can stifle spontaneity. Their stoicism can turn into pessimism, their conformity into rigidity, and their concrete thinking sometimes makes them too literal. Normally, however, Builders are community minded, industrious, and popular with colleagues and companions.
MY THOUGHTS
i've met some BUILDERS. and i'm not one of them. most definitely. although i can be a stickler for rules, i prefer being spontaneous.
ARE YOU THE DIRECTOR IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
ARE YOU THE DIRECTOR IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Director
Specific activities in the testosterone system are what distinguishes this type. Again, although we think of the hormone as male, it is shared by both sexes, and there are many full-blooded women Directors. Whatever the gender, people of this type are competitive. They strive to be top dog and have many skills to get there. They are pragmatic, tough-minded, and most notably decisive, able to make up their minds rapidly, even when faced with difficult choices. Rational analysis, logical reasoning, and objectivity are their core strengths. They also pay attention to details and can focus their attention to the exclusion of everything around them—an ability that enables them to weed out extraneous data and progress on a straightforward path toward a specific goal: the solution. Many Directors are also ingenious, theoretical, and bold in their ideas. Moreover, they are willing to take unpopular, even dangerous paths, to get to the truth. So they persist and often win.
Directors are particularly skilled at understanding machines and other rule-based systems, from computers and math problems to the details of biology, world finance, or architecture. They excel at sports, and often have an acute ear for all kinds of music. Their interests can be narrow; but they pursue them deeply and thoroughly. And they can captivate those who share their hobbies.
Placating leaves the Director cold. He or she often chooses to do a good job rather than please others. In fact, Directors are the least socially skilled of the four types. When preoccupied with work or personal goals, they can appear aloof, distant, even cold, and are generally not interested in making social connections, with the exception of those that are useful or exciting to them.
As with the other types, the traits that make Directors so successful may become grating: For example, their confidence can veer into bragging, their exactitude turn uncompromising, and their forthrightness simply seem rude. And because they often see issues in black and white, they miss the nuances of social, business, and personal situations. But thanks to their dedication, loyalty, and interest in sharing ideas, Directors make close friends. And they can be fiercely protective of those they love.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't want to be a director. but i just maybe one. sometimes. especially if the other person needs directing. God help him.
from the article "What's Your Type?"
We're each a mix of these four relationship types, but one probably stands out the most. Do you recognize yourself or your mate?
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Director
Specific activities in the testosterone system are what distinguishes this type. Again, although we think of the hormone as male, it is shared by both sexes, and there are many full-blooded women Directors. Whatever the gender, people of this type are competitive. They strive to be top dog and have many skills to get there. They are pragmatic, tough-minded, and most notably decisive, able to make up their minds rapidly, even when faced with difficult choices. Rational analysis, logical reasoning, and objectivity are their core strengths. They also pay attention to details and can focus their attention to the exclusion of everything around them—an ability that enables them to weed out extraneous data and progress on a straightforward path toward a specific goal: the solution. Many Directors are also ingenious, theoretical, and bold in their ideas. Moreover, they are willing to take unpopular, even dangerous paths, to get to the truth. So they persist and often win.
Directors are particularly skilled at understanding machines and other rule-based systems, from computers and math problems to the details of biology, world finance, or architecture. They excel at sports, and often have an acute ear for all kinds of music. Their interests can be narrow; but they pursue them deeply and thoroughly. And they can captivate those who share their hobbies.
Placating leaves the Director cold. He or she often chooses to do a good job rather than please others. In fact, Directors are the least socially skilled of the four types. When preoccupied with work or personal goals, they can appear aloof, distant, even cold, and are generally not interested in making social connections, with the exception of those that are useful or exciting to them.
As with the other types, the traits that make Directors so successful may become grating: For example, their confidence can veer into bragging, their exactitude turn uncompromising, and their forthrightness simply seem rude. And because they often see issues in black and white, they miss the nuances of social, business, and personal situations. But thanks to their dedication, loyalty, and interest in sharing ideas, Directors make close friends. And they can be fiercely protective of those they love.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't want to be a director. but i just maybe one. sometimes. especially if the other person needs directing. God help him.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Are you a NEGOTIATOR in relationships?
ARE YOU A NEGOTIATOR IN RELATIONSHIPS
from the article "What's Your Type?"
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Negotiator
Negotiators have specific personality traits that have been linked with estrogen. Although estrogen is known as a female sex hormone, men have it, too, and there are plenty of male Negotiators. As the name suggests, this type is superb at handling people. Negotiators instinctively know what others are thinking and feeling. They artfully read facial expressions, postures, gestures, and tone of voice. Their interest in identity extends not only to others but to themselves. So they are introspective and self-analytical—men and women who take pleasure in journeying into their thoughts and motives. As a result, when they form a partnership, they like to delve deeply into the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.
Not only do Negotiators connect psychologically, they also have the ability to remain mentally flexible. When they make decisions, they weigh many variables and consider various ways to proceed; they see things contextually, rather than linearly—I call it web thinking. As a result, they tend to be comfortable with ambiguity. Negotiators can be highly intuitive and creative. And they like to theorize. Perhaps their most distinctive characteristic is verbal fluency, the facility for finding the right words rapidly. With this skill—alongside an agreeable and accommodating nature, compassion, social savvy, and patience—the Negotiator can be very friendly, diplomatic, and authentic.
But as with all qualities, these traits can warp. Negotiators sometimes become such placators they appear wishy-washy to the point of spinelessness. Because they're not willing to confront, they can turn to backstabbing. With their need to examine all the possibilities, they can get bogged down in rumination as opposed to action. And in a relationship, their desire to connect and dissect all the subtle meanings between the two of you can become cloying and invasive.
MY THOUGHTS
for a while there i thought i'm a negotiator. i love connecting and dissecting a relationship. but i doubt i am 'mentally flexible'. i hate ambiguity. and i don't like 'not confronting'.
from the article "What's Your Type?"
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The Negotiator
Negotiators have specific personality traits that have been linked with estrogen. Although estrogen is known as a female sex hormone, men have it, too, and there are plenty of male Negotiators. As the name suggests, this type is superb at handling people. Negotiators instinctively know what others are thinking and feeling. They artfully read facial expressions, postures, gestures, and tone of voice. Their interest in identity extends not only to others but to themselves. So they are introspective and self-analytical—men and women who take pleasure in journeying into their thoughts and motives. As a result, when they form a partnership, they like to delve deeply into the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.
Not only do Negotiators connect psychologically, they also have the ability to remain mentally flexible. When they make decisions, they weigh many variables and consider various ways to proceed; they see things contextually, rather than linearly—I call it web thinking. As a result, they tend to be comfortable with ambiguity. Negotiators can be highly intuitive and creative. And they like to theorize. Perhaps their most distinctive characteristic is verbal fluency, the facility for finding the right words rapidly. With this skill—alongside an agreeable and accommodating nature, compassion, social savvy, and patience—the Negotiator can be very friendly, diplomatic, and authentic.
But as with all qualities, these traits can warp. Negotiators sometimes become such placators they appear wishy-washy to the point of spinelessness. Because they're not willing to confront, they can turn to backstabbing. With their need to examine all the possibilities, they can get bogged down in rumination as opposed to action. And in a relationship, their desire to connect and dissect all the subtle meanings between the two of you can become cloying and invasive.
MY THOUGHTS
for a while there i thought i'm a negotiator. i love connecting and dissecting a relationship. but i doubt i am 'mentally flexible'. i hate ambiguity. and i don't like 'not confronting'.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
WHAT IS INTIMACY TO YOU?
How to Build Intimacy in Your Relationship
By Helen Fisher, PhD
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.
Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.
Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.
Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.
What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!
There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.
And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.
MY THOUGHTS
if you're looking for a man who will define intimacy the way you do, which is 'talking heart-to-heart' with the 'anchoring gaze', don't despair. there are men like that. you just have to look harder. there are not many of them out there.
By Helen Fisher, PhD
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
What is intimacy to you?" Recently, I asked this of a man I've been seeing. He replied, "Doing things together." I knew what he meant.
Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness. But the sexes often define intimacy differently. When women want to draw closer, we face each other, lock eyes in what has been called the "anchoring gaze," and proceed to reveal our hopes, our worries, our lives. To women, intimacy is talking face-to-face—a behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent their days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.
Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze.
Curious to find out more about such gender differences, I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site Chemistry.com , "What would you do as an intimate activity with a partner?" and offered various choices. I found that men were far more likely to regard "debating" as intimate. I wasn't surprised: Intimacy requires being in your comfort zone, and men's testosterone is associated with competitiveness. On the other hand, women were more likely to consider "organizing a neighborhood or community party together" and "taking a vacation together with a crowd of your closest friends" as ways to be close. Because estrogen is associated with social skills and nurturing, I wasn't surprised by this either.
What I didn't expect was that 95 percent of all respondents rated "talking heart-to-heart with your partner about your relationship" as something they'd do to be intimate, while 94 percent felt that "doing something adventurous together" spelled togetherness—with hardly any difference between the sexes. If these results are any indication that men are learning to appreciate women's need to talk, while women are understanding the male way of showing love ("actions speak louder than words"), then bravo!
There are, of course, many other things you can do to cultivate togetherness . Help your partner achieve his goals. Face your problems as a team. Develop a private spiritual or religious world. Choose a new interest to pursue jointly. Do chores together. Play.
And get the oxytocin flowing. Oxytocin is a brain chemical that produces feelings of trust and attachment. Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.
MY THOUGHTS
if you're looking for a man who will define intimacy the way you do, which is 'talking heart-to-heart' with the 'anchoring gaze', don't despair. there are men like that. you just have to look harder. there are not many of them out there.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
TOXIC SPOUSES TO AVOID
Marriage: 4 Toxic Spouses to Avoid
By Stacey Bradford | Feb 16, 2011
When it comes to relationships, we all know there are certain types of people who aren’t marriage material. Some that come to mind include women who can’t commit and men with wondering eyes. But let’s not forget to include potential partners who are lousy with money.
I recently chatted with Michael Sion, author of Money & Marriage, How to Choose a Financially Compatible Spouse, for his opinion on the types of people who make toxic spouses. Here are the four he recommends you never marry:
1. The Shady One
This person may be charming but he also isn’t completely honest. He misrepresents himself in lots of little ways because he probably has something to hide. Not sure if you’re dating this guy? Sion recommends asking to see his credit report. Chances are he’ll refuse to share it with you. Maybe you would discover he has a history of not paying off his debts. If you tie the knot, the lies would likely continue and poison your relationship and possibly your credit too.
2. The Non-Communicator
This lover may readily divulge details of her romantic past but she clams up when it comes to finances. Start dating her and you won’t even be able to openly discuss if you should go to a cheap or expensive restaurant and who will pay the check, warns Sion. If the relationship gets serious, money issues will only get more complicated and there’s sure to be disagreements and ugly surprises, he warns
3. The Irresponsible Spender
He’s the guy who drives a car he can’t afford. Or, she’s the woman who lives well beyond her means. If you aren’t careful, walking down the aisle with this type of person could leave both of you swimming in debt. You could potentially and successfully marry an irresponsible spender provided he or she hands over all control of the finances to you and agrees to live within a budget you set, says Sion.
4. The Lousy Earner
Sion isn’t against folks who don’t earn six figures. But he does think you should watch out for potential suitors with low ambition and who can’t afford to live on their current salaries. Don’t worry if you’ve fallen in love with someone who is young and in an entry level job, says Sion. We all have to start somewhere. You just want to make sure that person has a plan for climbing the corporate ladder.
What should you do if you end up falling in love with one of these toxic people? You may want to keep your finances as separate as possible and try to reform your lover. If you can’t, think twice before you commit to spending the rest of your financial lives together.
Would you marry someone who’s lousy with money?
Stacey Bradford is the author of The Wall Street Journal Financial Guidebook for New Parents.
MY THOUGHTS
wow! they do sound toxic. better be warned. except, what do you do when you're married already?
By Stacey Bradford | Feb 16, 2011
When it comes to relationships, we all know there are certain types of people who aren’t marriage material. Some that come to mind include women who can’t commit and men with wondering eyes. But let’s not forget to include potential partners who are lousy with money.
I recently chatted with Michael Sion, author of Money & Marriage, How to Choose a Financially Compatible Spouse, for his opinion on the types of people who make toxic spouses. Here are the four he recommends you never marry:
1. The Shady One
This person may be charming but he also isn’t completely honest. He misrepresents himself in lots of little ways because he probably has something to hide. Not sure if you’re dating this guy? Sion recommends asking to see his credit report. Chances are he’ll refuse to share it with you. Maybe you would discover he has a history of not paying off his debts. If you tie the knot, the lies would likely continue and poison your relationship and possibly your credit too.
2. The Non-Communicator
This lover may readily divulge details of her romantic past but she clams up when it comes to finances. Start dating her and you won’t even be able to openly discuss if you should go to a cheap or expensive restaurant and who will pay the check, warns Sion. If the relationship gets serious, money issues will only get more complicated and there’s sure to be disagreements and ugly surprises, he warns
3. The Irresponsible Spender
He’s the guy who drives a car he can’t afford. Or, she’s the woman who lives well beyond her means. If you aren’t careful, walking down the aisle with this type of person could leave both of you swimming in debt. You could potentially and successfully marry an irresponsible spender provided he or she hands over all control of the finances to you and agrees to live within a budget you set, says Sion.
4. The Lousy Earner
Sion isn’t against folks who don’t earn six figures. But he does think you should watch out for potential suitors with low ambition and who can’t afford to live on their current salaries. Don’t worry if you’ve fallen in love with someone who is young and in an entry level job, says Sion. We all have to start somewhere. You just want to make sure that person has a plan for climbing the corporate ladder.
What should you do if you end up falling in love with one of these toxic people? You may want to keep your finances as separate as possible and try to reform your lover. If you can’t, think twice before you commit to spending the rest of your financial lives together.
Would you marry someone who’s lousy with money?
Stacey Bradford is the author of The Wall Street Journal Financial Guidebook for New Parents.
MY THOUGHTS
wow! they do sound toxic. better be warned. except, what do you do when you're married already?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
A FUNNY WAY TO FIX A BROKEN HEART
How to Fix a Broken Heart
By Padma Atluri
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
What's the best way to get over love gone bad? Eternal optimist Padma Atluri consults her crystal ball.
You may have found that you can't do it alone—can't seem to mend your broken heart. You've tried Chunky Monkey ice cream and spa scrubs, and neither buoyed your spirits or exfoliated your pain the way you wanted.
The truth is, short of a new man, what you really need is hope. And when you can't find it within yourself, you need to do what any smart woman would do: Buy it. For $150. You need to see a psychic.
Sure, it may be healthier to see a therapist, volunteer somewhere, or train for a marathon. But the thing is, when a psychic (as opposed to your mother) says that Mr. Right is just around the corner, you're going to believe her. And once you're a "believe-her," you'll start to live again. Who cares about your ex when Mr. Right is just around the corner! The question is, which corner? Which state? You'll have to see another psychic to find out!
Or maybe you'll have to see seven in one night. That's what I did. (It was a party, the readings were free, what can I say?) My friends accused me of standing in line after line simply to get the answers—and the future—I wanted. That was not true. I stood in line after line to get a consensus. And when four out of seven psychics reported that love would descend upon me within the coming year, it was like a vitamin B shot straight to my heart.
Of course, relying on psychics is not without pitfalls, including the slight matter of accuracy. Let's face it, psychic predictions are rarely realized (especially if, like me, you stipulate up front that payment is contingent on good news only ). Somehow, though, it doesn't matter. Hope, even false hope, is enough fuel to face the next day, and eventually, the next date. So whether it's a Nora Ephron movie marathon, a friend whose compliments you can actually accept, or, yes, even a psychic, get yourself some hope. I predict it's right around the corner.
This story is part of O 's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
crazy! absolutely! but then love does make us crazy.
By Padma Atluri
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
What's the best way to get over love gone bad? Eternal optimist Padma Atluri consults her crystal ball.
You may have found that you can't do it alone—can't seem to mend your broken heart. You've tried Chunky Monkey ice cream and spa scrubs, and neither buoyed your spirits or exfoliated your pain the way you wanted.
The truth is, short of a new man, what you really need is hope. And when you can't find it within yourself, you need to do what any smart woman would do: Buy it. For $150. You need to see a psychic.
Sure, it may be healthier to see a therapist, volunteer somewhere, or train for a marathon. But the thing is, when a psychic (as opposed to your mother) says that Mr. Right is just around the corner, you're going to believe her. And once you're a "believe-her," you'll start to live again. Who cares about your ex when Mr. Right is just around the corner! The question is, which corner? Which state? You'll have to see another psychic to find out!
Or maybe you'll have to see seven in one night. That's what I did. (It was a party, the readings were free, what can I say?) My friends accused me of standing in line after line simply to get the answers—and the future—I wanted. That was not true. I stood in line after line to get a consensus. And when four out of seven psychics reported that love would descend upon me within the coming year, it was like a vitamin B shot straight to my heart.
Of course, relying on psychics is not without pitfalls, including the slight matter of accuracy. Let's face it, psychic predictions are rarely realized (especially if, like me, you stipulate up front that payment is contingent on good news only ). Somehow, though, it doesn't matter. Hope, even false hope, is enough fuel to face the next day, and eventually, the next date. So whether it's a Nora Ephron movie marathon, a friend whose compliments you can actually accept, or, yes, even a psychic, get yourself some hope. I predict it's right around the corner.
This story is part of O 's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
crazy! absolutely! but then love does make us crazy.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Dating Mistake #10 -BRINGING ALONG BAGGAGE
Dating Mistake #10 - Bringing Along Baggage
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #10: Bringing along baggage
Your baggage may include a string of failed relationships that you fear repeating.
Dating tip: But your new guy doesn’t want to feel like a chapter in a bad romance novel. So dwelling on former flames may prompt him to put you in his past – fast.
Baggage can also refer a person’s overall worries and pessimistic outlook on life.
“We’ve all got [issues], but if you focus on them constantly, it will bring down the other partner,” says Jennifer Samp, Ph.D., a speech communication professor at the University of Georgia who has done research on relationships.
Plus, too many emotional issues could make him unsure about your future together.
Samp adds: “He’ll wonder if this is always going to be a negative relationship.”
MY THOUGHTS
that's not hard to imagine. but certainly hard to do. especially if you're on the rebound. people usually go through this cyle - fall in love, get hurt, try to fall in love immediately.i'm sure you know that doesn't work. the 'wise' way is to fall in love, get hurt, heal, then be ready to fall in love again. then you'll find that love is indeed beautiful.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #10: Bringing along baggage
Your baggage may include a string of failed relationships that you fear repeating.
Dating tip: But your new guy doesn’t want to feel like a chapter in a bad romance novel. So dwelling on former flames may prompt him to put you in his past – fast.
Baggage can also refer a person’s overall worries and pessimistic outlook on life.
“We’ve all got [issues], but if you focus on them constantly, it will bring down the other partner,” says Jennifer Samp, Ph.D., a speech communication professor at the University of Georgia who has done research on relationships.
Plus, too many emotional issues could make him unsure about your future together.
Samp adds: “He’ll wonder if this is always going to be a negative relationship.”
MY THOUGHTS
that's not hard to imagine. but certainly hard to do. especially if you're on the rebound. people usually go through this cyle - fall in love, get hurt, try to fall in love immediately.i'm sure you know that doesn't work. the 'wise' way is to fall in love, get hurt, heal, then be ready to fall in love again. then you'll find that love is indeed beautiful.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Dating Mistake #9 - OVERSHARING
Dating Mistake #9 - OVERSHARING
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #9: Oversharing
Immediately disclosing major personal issues – like that your mother was an alcoholic, you have a chronic health condition or your kid is on drugs – can also push away a new suitor.
The first few weeks of the relationship aren’t the time to come clean about your burdens.
And relationship experts warn to be careful of overburdening your beau.
“When people are in love, they can take on a lot of the other person’s baggage,” she says.
Dating tip: Unless he’s ready to commit, learning all that personal information up front can feel like being hit by a tsunami – and lead to relationship disaster, she says, so sprinkle those breadcrumbs gingerly.
MY THOUGHTS
if i seriously want a guy to be a permanent fixture in my life, i would 'overshare' early on in the relationship. i would much rather he backs-off earlier than later. if he bulks at 'skeletons in my closet' and my 'dirty laundry' then i don't want him anywhere near me.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #9: Oversharing
Immediately disclosing major personal issues – like that your mother was an alcoholic, you have a chronic health condition or your kid is on drugs – can also push away a new suitor.
The first few weeks of the relationship aren’t the time to come clean about your burdens.
And relationship experts warn to be careful of overburdening your beau.
“When people are in love, they can take on a lot of the other person’s baggage,” she says.
Dating tip: Unless he’s ready to commit, learning all that personal information up front can feel like being hit by a tsunami – and lead to relationship disaster, she says, so sprinkle those breadcrumbs gingerly.
MY THOUGHTS
if i seriously want a guy to be a permanent fixture in my life, i would 'overshare' early on in the relationship. i would much rather he backs-off earlier than later. if he bulks at 'skeletons in my closet' and my 'dirty laundry' then i don't want him anywhere near me.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Dating Mistake #8 - BEING A CRITIC IN BED
Dating Mistake #8 - BEING A CRITIC IN BED
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #8: Being a critic in bed
Just like women, guys bare more than their bodies during sex – they also expose their egos.
So, acting annoyed when he doesn’t satisfy you won’t rev up your sex life.
Dating tip: Instead, gently let him know he’s missed the mark, says Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Newport Beach, Calif.
But keep this conversation out of the bedroom, where he’ll feel especially vulnerable.
And don’t wait weeks or months to have it.
“By that time, you’ll be resentful and he’ll be distressed,” Buehler says. “And you both will have a rough time fixing your sex life.”
Also, avoid comparing him to old boyfriends during the talk.
“Don’t say how well-endowed your ex-boyfriend was or how long he lasted,” she adds. “Telling him that you’ve had better lovers will only make him feel bad about himself.”
MY THOUGHTS
terrible, terrible subject!
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #8: Being a critic in bed
Just like women, guys bare more than their bodies during sex – they also expose their egos.
So, acting annoyed when he doesn’t satisfy you won’t rev up your sex life.
Dating tip: Instead, gently let him know he’s missed the mark, says Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Newport Beach, Calif.
But keep this conversation out of the bedroom, where he’ll feel especially vulnerable.
And don’t wait weeks or months to have it.
“By that time, you’ll be resentful and he’ll be distressed,” Buehler says. “And you both will have a rough time fixing your sex life.”
Also, avoid comparing him to old boyfriends during the talk.
“Don’t say how well-endowed your ex-boyfriend was or how long he lasted,” she adds. “Telling him that you’ve had better lovers will only make him feel bad about himself.”
MY THOUGHTS
terrible, terrible subject!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Dating Mistake #7 - SLACKING ON YOUR LOOKS
Dating Mistake #7 - SLACKING ON YOUR LOOKS
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #7: Slacking on your looks
No, he shouldn’t expect you to look picture-perfect 24/7. But morphing into a sloppy, un-showered version of your attractive self is a dating no-no.
Dating tip: “Hanging out in sweats with no makeup, going to sleep in flannel PJs, or not keeping your legs smooth are things that guys notice,” Lieberman says.
Women also tend to drop their personal upkeep after becoming secure in a relationship.
“They tell themselves that it’s irrelevant because ‘a guy loves me for me,’” she explains. “But the message they’re giving is [a man] is not important enough to make an effort for.”
MY THOUGHTS
uh-oh! never thought of it that way. i thought men like to see the natural "us'. but i will have to agree with the author here. try to remember how you feel when the man-in-your-life exerts the effort to look good for you. unless you're the paranoid, jealous type who will see this the wrong you.
you don't need to go to the parlor every time you have a date with your guy. you probably don't need to spend hours putting on false eye lashes. it's a simple as normal upkeep - brushing your teeth, combing your hair, clean clothes. nothing fancy. simple things that will tell your man he is not in love with a trash can.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #7: Slacking on your looks
No, he shouldn’t expect you to look picture-perfect 24/7. But morphing into a sloppy, un-showered version of your attractive self is a dating no-no.
Dating tip: “Hanging out in sweats with no makeup, going to sleep in flannel PJs, or not keeping your legs smooth are things that guys notice,” Lieberman says.
Women also tend to drop their personal upkeep after becoming secure in a relationship.
“They tell themselves that it’s irrelevant because ‘a guy loves me for me,’” she explains. “But the message they’re giving is [a man] is not important enough to make an effort for.”
MY THOUGHTS
uh-oh! never thought of it that way. i thought men like to see the natural "us'. but i will have to agree with the author here. try to remember how you feel when the man-in-your-life exerts the effort to look good for you. unless you're the paranoid, jealous type who will see this the wrong you.
you don't need to go to the parlor every time you have a date with your guy. you probably don't need to spend hours putting on false eye lashes. it's a simple as normal upkeep - brushing your teeth, combing your hair, clean clothes. nothing fancy. simple things that will tell your man he is not in love with a trash can.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Dating Mistake #6
Dating Mistake #6 - TEXTING YOUR TROUBLES
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #6: Texting your troubles
Women wary of confrontation may try to prevent arguments by bringing up sore spots in texts and emails, instead of face-to-face or via phone.
But all this tactic does is stop true intimacy, says Callahan.
Plus, “it’s cowardly to avoid what needs to be talked about,” she adds.
Dating tip: To take your romance to the next level, you need to up your communication method – by picking up the phone, she adds.
“When you’re building a relationship, you’ve got to have a conversation,” she explains. “There’s only so much you can cover in 160 characters [the maximum length of a text].”
MY THOUGHTS
what is this article saying? if you have issues, drum up the courage to do it face-to-face. printed word may be easier. but remember the power of non-verbal communications. misunderstandings can still happen even while you are looking at each other's eyes. but it's harder to clear things out when you don't have body language and facial expressions to back-up your assumptions.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #6: Texting your troubles
Women wary of confrontation may try to prevent arguments by bringing up sore spots in texts and emails, instead of face-to-face or via phone.
But all this tactic does is stop true intimacy, says Callahan.
Plus, “it’s cowardly to avoid what needs to be talked about,” she adds.
Dating tip: To take your romance to the next level, you need to up your communication method – by picking up the phone, she adds.
“When you’re building a relationship, you’ve got to have a conversation,” she explains. “There’s only so much you can cover in 160 characters [the maximum length of a text].”
MY THOUGHTS
what is this article saying? if you have issues, drum up the courage to do it face-to-face. printed word may be easier. but remember the power of non-verbal communications. misunderstandings can still happen even while you are looking at each other's eyes. but it's harder to clear things out when you don't have body language and facial expressions to back-up your assumptions.
Dating Mistake #5 - MOTHERING THE GUY
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #5: Being his “mom”
Those small things we do for our guy – cook dinner, buy him a new tie, drop off his dry-cleaning – can lead to mothering.
That “dooms the relationship, because you’re setting it up in an unbalanced way," Callahan says.
“He’ll always depend on you more than he should,” Lieberman adds.
Some women think their guy’s life is lacking – and swoop in maternally to make things all better, Callahan says. Others may be working out issues from childhood, such as having an absent father, Lieberman adds.
Dating tip: Be affectionate, but stop running his errands and picking his dirty clothes up off the floor. Remember, he’s a grown man and somehow made it this far in life alive and (occasionally) well-dressed.
MY THOUGHTS
what if he really needs help? doing your boyfriend's laundry is too much (my point of view), but picking up his laundry when he's awfully busy seems to be okay. cooking for him once in a while? i don't see anything wrong, especially when he helps out with the dirty dishes. after all, you ask him to drive you around, go shopping (something most men hate) with you, etc.etc.
what's the point? it's supposed to be give and take. nothing overboard. but if you feel like you're a house help already, time to run. and to stop running errands. that's not love. that's abuse.
from "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #5: Being his “mom”
Those small things we do for our guy – cook dinner, buy him a new tie, drop off his dry-cleaning – can lead to mothering.
That “dooms the relationship, because you’re setting it up in an unbalanced way," Callahan says.
“He’ll always depend on you more than he should,” Lieberman adds.
Some women think their guy’s life is lacking – and swoop in maternally to make things all better, Callahan says. Others may be working out issues from childhood, such as having an absent father, Lieberman adds.
Dating tip: Be affectionate, but stop running his errands and picking his dirty clothes up off the floor. Remember, he’s a grown man and somehow made it this far in life alive and (occasionally) well-dressed.
MY THOUGHTS
what if he really needs help? doing your boyfriend's laundry is too much (my point of view), but picking up his laundry when he's awfully busy seems to be okay. cooking for him once in a while? i don't see anything wrong, especially when he helps out with the dirty dishes. after all, you ask him to drive you around, go shopping (something most men hate) with you, etc.etc.
what's the point? it's supposed to be give and take. nothing overboard. but if you feel like you're a house help already, time to run. and to stop running errands. that's not love. that's abuse.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Dating Mistake #4 - BANNING GUY TIME
Dating Mistake #4 - BANNING GUY TIME
From the Artricle "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #4: Banning “guy time”
Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean he should drop his friends.
Much like women sometimes need a “girls’ night out,” guys want space and time to pursue their own interests, says Callahan.
So, whether you flat out veto his boys-only poker night, or just sulk when he leaves to watch the game with his buddies, “it’ll lead to a power struggle,” she says.
And that struggle often results in the opposite of what you wanted, causing an even bigger relationship issue.
Discouraging time away from each other can also end up backfiring.
“He’ll resent it, and sometimes he might even just do it to spite you,” Callahan says.
Dating tip: When he schedules a night with the guys, use that time to do something you like – perhaps yoga, a movie with the girls or a trip to the nail salon.
MY THOUGHTS
it all boils down to trust and the company your boyfriend keeps. drinking and beer houses are certainly not my idea of a for-the-boys night out. well, then this means your dating mistake #4 will depend on the kind of guy you hitched for a partner. you'd better think this one through.
From the Artricle "Top 10 Dating Don’ts"
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #4: Banning “guy time”
Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean he should drop his friends.
Much like women sometimes need a “girls’ night out,” guys want space and time to pursue their own interests, says Callahan.
So, whether you flat out veto his boys-only poker night, or just sulk when he leaves to watch the game with his buddies, “it’ll lead to a power struggle,” she says.
And that struggle often results in the opposite of what you wanted, causing an even bigger relationship issue.
Discouraging time away from each other can also end up backfiring.
“He’ll resent it, and sometimes he might even just do it to spite you,” Callahan says.
Dating tip: When he schedules a night with the guys, use that time to do something you like – perhaps yoga, a movie with the girls or a trip to the nail salon.
MY THOUGHTS
it all boils down to trust and the company your boyfriend keeps. drinking and beer houses are certainly not my idea of a for-the-boys night out. well, then this means your dating mistake #4 will depend on the kind of guy you hitched for a partner. you'd better think this one through.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Dating Mistake #3 - BEING NEEDY
DATING MISTAKE # 3 - BEING NEEDY
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #3: Being needy
You may think the occasional “thinking of you” text is OK, but consider the total amount of emotional messages you’re sending his way.
Blitzing him with calls, emails and other constant communication is another common relationship problem. It can make a man think you need him too much and can’t do anything without his input.
And that gives most men the heebie-jeebies.
Michelle R. Callahan, Ph.D., a New York City-based developmental psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success (Three Rivers Press, 2010), calls this type of woman “Miss Anaconda” because “she smothers her partner to death.”
She forgets that both partners need time away from each other, Callahan says.
Smothering can also mean making continuous demands on his time, Newman adds.
“Such requests – like, I need you to have dinner with my friends on Saturday, shop for a gift for my niece, or put up my bookcases – expect too much from a new relationship,” she says.
These requests are particularly unwelcome if your date doesn’t like to be cornered, she says.
“Anything that eats into his free time on a constant basis will feel like too much.”
Dating tip: Limit your texts to one or two a day and try to space out special requests. If his eyes start to dart toward the door, simply back down and change topics.
MY THOUGHTS
have you been an anaconda at some point? maybe a baby anaconda but still an anaconda? read this article over and over if you don't want your one and only to slip (or run) away.
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #3: Being needy
You may think the occasional “thinking of you” text is OK, but consider the total amount of emotional messages you’re sending his way.
Blitzing him with calls, emails and other constant communication is another common relationship problem. It can make a man think you need him too much and can’t do anything without his input.
And that gives most men the heebie-jeebies.
Michelle R. Callahan, Ph.D., a New York City-based developmental psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success (Three Rivers Press, 2010), calls this type of woman “Miss Anaconda” because “she smothers her partner to death.”
She forgets that both partners need time away from each other, Callahan says.
Smothering can also mean making continuous demands on his time, Newman adds.
“Such requests – like, I need you to have dinner with my friends on Saturday, shop for a gift for my niece, or put up my bookcases – expect too much from a new relationship,” she says.
These requests are particularly unwelcome if your date doesn’t like to be cornered, she says.
“Anything that eats into his free time on a constant basis will feel like too much.”
Dating tip: Limit your texts to one or two a day and try to space out special requests. If his eyes start to dart toward the door, simply back down and change topics.
MY THOUGHTS
have you been an anaconda at some point? maybe a baby anaconda but still an anaconda? read this article over and over if you don't want your one and only to slip (or run) away.
Friday, February 11, 2011
DATING MISTAKE # 2 - Putting Your Digital Life First
Dating Mistake # 2 PUTTING YOUR DIGITAL LIFE FIRST
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #2: Putting your digital life first
Many of us are guilty of digital multi-tasking – chatting on the cell phone during dinner, texting a BFF from our date’s car, surfing the web in bed.
But if your face is typically blocked by a screen, your new beau may turn his attention elsewhere, relationship experts say.
“The person you’re dating feels completely discounted,” Lieberman says. “It’s totally intrusive in a relationship – it tells the guy he’s not important.”
Plus, interrupting your dates for calls or texts broadcasts that you’re too “popular,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist. “It’s really a social cue you’re giving. A man gets the impression this is too hard – that it’s not worth the effort.”
Also, constantly updating your online status can show you’re more interested in yourself – and how you come across to your friends – than in him.
“If you’re using Facebook or Twitter every five minutes, you send this idea that you’re self-absorbed and that you have to tell everyone what you’re doing all the time,” she says.
Dating tip: Activate your phone’s silent mode or, if you’re expecting an important work or family call, slip away to another room and discreetly answer texts or emails there.
MY THOUGHTS
i hope my frequent posting is not being construed as an FB addiction. i don't even have to open my facebook account to send out these posts. why am i justifying this?
the issue is, you have to know you priorities? if you cannot live without your cellphone, are you ready to lose your partner?
Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
Mistake #2: Putting your digital life first
Many of us are guilty of digital multi-tasking – chatting on the cell phone during dinner, texting a BFF from our date’s car, surfing the web in bed.
But if your face is typically blocked by a screen, your new beau may turn his attention elsewhere, relationship experts say.
“The person you’re dating feels completely discounted,” Lieberman says. “It’s totally intrusive in a relationship – it tells the guy he’s not important.”
Plus, interrupting your dates for calls or texts broadcasts that you’re too “popular,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist. “It’s really a social cue you’re giving. A man gets the impression this is too hard – that it’s not worth the effort.”
Also, constantly updating your online status can show you’re more interested in yourself – and how you come across to your friends – than in him.
“If you’re using Facebook or Twitter every five minutes, you send this idea that you’re self-absorbed and that you have to tell everyone what you’re doing all the time,” she says.
Dating tip: Activate your phone’s silent mode or, if you’re expecting an important work or family call, slip away to another room and discreetly answer texts or emails there.
MY THOUGHTS
i hope my frequent posting is not being construed as an FB addiction. i don't even have to open my facebook account to send out these posts. why am i justifying this?
the issue is, you have to know you priorities? if you cannot live without your cellphone, are you ready to lose your partner?
Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT
Dating Mistake # 1 - FORCING COMMITMENT
from: Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
www.lifescript.com
What makes a nice guy run? Sometimes it’s the blunders we make trying to be oh-so-perfect: texting incessantly, mothering him, oversharing. In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship experts offer their top dating tips…
You’re head-over-heels for your new guy: He’s smart, funny, handsome and totally into you. That is, until the day he stops calling.
Everything seemed perfect – so what happened?
Often, what we see as romantic bonding 101 – exchanging “I love you’s” on the first date, spending lazy Sundays in our PJs, swapping sexual histories – backfires in real life.
Aiming for perfection “brings so much tension and expectation to the relationship,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist. And, she explains, that can sour a new romance before it even really starts.
Here are the 10 most common dating mistakes and how to avoid them:
Mistake #1: Forcing a commitment
If you’re just getting to know someone, pushing for exclusive status – requesting his apartment key, saying “I love you,” or naming your future children – may elicit a hasty retreat.
It’s probably the No. 1 relationship-killer, says Linnda Durré, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Orlando, Fla. “It’s such a turn-off [for men], they will run to the nearest exit.”
And social networking has made it even easier to apply commitment pressure.
For example, rushing to change your status to “in a relationship” on Facebook, posting photos of the two of you, or chatting about your “cool new boyfriend,” can cause a real relationship problem, Lieberman says.
Though subtle, this type of pressure still sends a powerful message that you’re on a different wavelength from your partner.
Dating tip: Waiting before committing your devotion actually benefits women, research shows.
A study published in the January 2009 Journal of Theoretical Biology suggests that longer courtships offer women a better chance of picking a good mate, such as one who will help take care of the children.
MY THOUGHTS
this is too much. getting commitment on the first date? changing your fb relationship status after a single date? i don't know. i just can't imagine a girl or a woman making this kind of mistake. not in this country,anyway.
from: Top 10 Dating Don’ts
Your Most Important Relationship Questions Answered
By Maureen Salamon, Special to Lifescript
Published February 06, 2011
www.lifescript.com
What makes a nice guy run? Sometimes it’s the blunders we make trying to be oh-so-perfect: texting incessantly, mothering him, oversharing. In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship experts offer their top dating tips…
You’re head-over-heels for your new guy: He’s smart, funny, handsome and totally into you. That is, until the day he stops calling.
Everything seemed perfect – so what happened?
Often, what we see as romantic bonding 101 – exchanging “I love you’s” on the first date, spending lazy Sundays in our PJs, swapping sexual histories – backfires in real life.
Aiming for perfection “brings so much tension and expectation to the relationship,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist. And, she explains, that can sour a new romance before it even really starts.
Here are the 10 most common dating mistakes and how to avoid them:
Mistake #1: Forcing a commitment
If you’re just getting to know someone, pushing for exclusive status – requesting his apartment key, saying “I love you,” or naming your future children – may elicit a hasty retreat.
It’s probably the No. 1 relationship-killer, says Linnda Durré, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Orlando, Fla. “It’s such a turn-off [for men], they will run to the nearest exit.”
And social networking has made it even easier to apply commitment pressure.
For example, rushing to change your status to “in a relationship” on Facebook, posting photos of the two of you, or chatting about your “cool new boyfriend,” can cause a real relationship problem, Lieberman says.
Though subtle, this type of pressure still sends a powerful message that you’re on a different wavelength from your partner.
Dating tip: Waiting before committing your devotion actually benefits women, research shows.
A study published in the January 2009 Journal of Theoretical Biology suggests that longer courtships offer women a better chance of picking a good mate, such as one who will help take care of the children.
MY THOUGHTS
this is too much. getting commitment on the first date? changing your fb relationship status after a single date? i don't know. i just can't imagine a girl or a woman making this kind of mistake. not in this country,anyway.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
TRUE LOVE?
True Love
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 01, 2006
The Internet has brought many great advantages to our lives. However, It has also created a few problems as well. Take this E-mail that I received recently for example. A woman wrote, “I have sort of a problem. Yesterday morning I accidentally opened my boyfriend's browser instead of mine, and saw that he had been visiting all of these girlie sites. This really hurts my feelings. I looked at these girls. They are all blonde and like 110 pounds. I am brunette and waaaay overweight. I confronted him and he feels bad. Can you help?”
I think it’s very understandable that one would feel upset and hurt over this. But I did caution her not to blow this too far out of proportion. Now having said that, I must admit that since I had very limited knowledge about her and her boyfriend I can’t say for sure that she was blowing this out of proportion. This is something only she can know, but the point I want to make here is this. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other people that you think are slimmer and prettier, you are creating a life of dissatisfaction and misery.
The picture of one woman can never compare to the substance of another. As a professional who has worked with countless couples and as a man who has experienced deep love, I can attest to the fact that true love is never about the how one looks. Sure initial attraction is definitely about looks, but true love is all about substance. How one looks is a powerful magnet for attracting people to you but keeping them there requires a great deal more. Embrace your individuality and stop comparing yourself to idealistic and fantasy images of beauty! That’s your wellness message for today.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
wow! if someone i know had this experience and asked me whatshe should do, i wouldn't know what to say. if this happened to me i would probably blow it out of proportion. isn't that a form of cheating?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 01, 2006
The Internet has brought many great advantages to our lives. However, It has also created a few problems as well. Take this E-mail that I received recently for example. A woman wrote, “I have sort of a problem. Yesterday morning I accidentally opened my boyfriend's browser instead of mine, and saw that he had been visiting all of these girlie sites. This really hurts my feelings. I looked at these girls. They are all blonde and like 110 pounds. I am brunette and waaaay overweight. I confronted him and he feels bad. Can you help?”
I think it’s very understandable that one would feel upset and hurt over this. But I did caution her not to blow this too far out of proportion. Now having said that, I must admit that since I had very limited knowledge about her and her boyfriend I can’t say for sure that she was blowing this out of proportion. This is something only she can know, but the point I want to make here is this. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other people that you think are slimmer and prettier, you are creating a life of dissatisfaction and misery.
The picture of one woman can never compare to the substance of another. As a professional who has worked with countless couples and as a man who has experienced deep love, I can attest to the fact that true love is never about the how one looks. Sure initial attraction is definitely about looks, but true love is all about substance. How one looks is a powerful magnet for attracting people to you but keeping them there requires a great deal more. Embrace your individuality and stop comparing yourself to idealistic and fantasy images of beauty! That’s your wellness message for today.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
wow! if someone i know had this experience and asked me whatshe should do, i wouldn't know what to say. if this happened to me i would probably blow it out of proportion. isn't that a form of cheating?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
HOW TO MAKE ROMANCE LAST
How to Make Romance Last
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The truth about what keeps marriages together
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to—at best—three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
MY THOUGHTS
that's what i have - "positive illusions" and yes, "love blindness". i refuse to let go of my romantic side. i will probably take that to my grave. and i don't mind.
By Helen Fisher
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The truth about what keeps marriages together
I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.
We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to—at best—three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.
We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all i n college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with the holidays upon us, it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.
MY THOUGHTS
that's what i have - "positive illusions" and yes, "love blindness". i refuse to let go of my romantic side. i will probably take that to my grave. and i don't mind.
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